to think DD should not be forced to go to uni because a friend spent £70?

[Bluemoon49]

Apologies for the length of this but wanted to give proper backstory.

DD got accepted into uni this August, is due to start in two weeks. She has long term general anxiety and low self esteem issues. Since results day she has been having second thoughts about going and considering the idea of taking a year out and going to university next September. She definitely wants to go to uni, she just doesn't feel ready for it this year due to a number of reasons. She says she will get a job and do some volunteering in charity events as this is something she's interested in as a career. I have said she can do whatever she wants but she has been very confused and kept changing her mind one way or the other as it's a big decision to defer for a year and she's worried about being a year older when she starts etc

Have told friends that she is having doubts about going this year. There is one in particular, who has known DD since she was 4 and is more like an aunt to her, who is very much of the mind that DD should go this year as it's 'now or never' and if she doesn't go this year she never will. This friend has said to me very firmly that it's up to me to tell DD that she doesn't have a choice and basically force her to go his year. She gets annoyed when I tell her that DD is 19 and can make her own choice and I will support her. She thinks that I am holding her back and DD is being soft/just needs a push from me to get on with her life and that it will be best for her to leave me and be with other young people. I agree with this, but at the moment DD is really depressed, can't get excited about university at all and really feels that it's all happening too fast. I'm worried if she forces herself to go she could end up having a break down and coming home, or at least not making the most of uni.

Now the complicated bit is that DD went to have meningitis jab on Thursday and because she has a phobia of needles and needed someone with her, and I was working, this friend went with her. They then went back to friend's house for lunch. At this point DD was of the mind that she was going to uni as planned this year. My friend had said to me the day before that she would "draw DD out" and "make sure she goes to university". I arrived to pick her up at end of day to find that friend had taken DD out to The Range and bought her a car load of stuff for uni - plates, trays, mugs, cutlery, utensils, pans etc - costing £70. She did this as a 'uni present' for DD as she knows that I couldn't afford to buy her lots of new things and DD was just going to take a few things from home. DD was thrilled with all the lovely things and said that she would go to university this year.

However, as days have passed she has admitted to me that deep down she still doesn't want to go this year and would feel much more comfortable taking a year out. She feels guilty about the £70 that friend spent and feels this means she has to go now. Friend has also planned a party for this Saturday.

Saw friend the other day, along with another friend. Other friend said "so, is it so and so date that DD goes to uni? - that is if she goes!" and friend 1 looked at me meaningfully and said "oh she's going, she has to go, she doesn't have a choice, isn't that right Blue?" and I said "no, she can choose to do whatever she wants." This seemed to annoy friend and she said "yes, but you're not going to tell her that! You tell her she hasn't got a choice!"

DD is very worried that if she chooses not to go to university this year my friend is going to be annoyed. She hasn't said outright that she would be annoyed because of the £70 shopping trip but it seems likely. I know it's an awkward situation and it is embarrassing after she's spent so much, but she chose to do that and DD can still take all the lovely things with her when she goes next year. AIBU to think that DD should be free to defer uni if she wants, despite friend?

Your "friend" is massively overstepping, why on earth does she think it is anything to do with her? Is she normally so judgey of you and do you allow her to take over normally?

YANBU!

I took a year between college and uni. My tutor actually said he wanted to offer me a place but was worried I wanted to take a year out. I told him it was what I needed but I would come back. It worked fine for me and I got my degree. I also wasn't the oldest in the class by far!

The friend sounds like a bully tbh. It's very unreasonable for her to expect you to tell her she must go! £70 or not - it's entirely your daughters decision and no one else's. Like you've said - she can take the stuff next year.

Also as a side note - if she does go and change her mind she can also stop halfway through, take a year out and then continue next year, my cousin did this.

Aaaaah,

You are supposed to be going away with this friend.

I think your friend thinks you pander to DD and your life revolves around her and that she's a bit of a madam and has been rather looking forward to her departure.

You need to turn the tables.

Why are YOU so invested in DD going?

It's none of your so-called friend's business.

Tell your DD that you are supportive of her choice. You are absolutely right to follow your gut feelings with this, and not to push her into something which she currently doesn't feel strong enough for.

Let her know that she can make her own decisions, and that you will deal with the "friend" who must back off and has no right to be so controlling.

Then tell the friend that she can either take the Range stuff back for a refund, or you'll be saving it carefully until your DD either goes to university or moves out to her own place. And after that you don't want to hear any mention of university from her again.

I took a year off between school and uni. My head of sixth form told my mum that if I didn't go right away when all my friends went off, I "never would." Rot. I had a year off, moved away and got some work experience in another city, travelled a little, refreshed my batteries, saved some £, visited my friends at their unis and was thoroughly excited and raring to go when I started after a deferred year. I got my head down, had great results. I think if I'd gone straight in I would not have done so well. Trust your own instinct and listen to your daughter.

Congrats to your Dd for getting offered a uni place, she should be so proud of herself!

Whether she goes or not is not your 'friend's' decision, it has nothing to do with her and she should butt out.

Have a couple of weeks away from her, be too busy to see her or talk. Your dd sounds confused and uncertain, but doesn't need non family pressuring her. She will make a clear decision if given space to do so. From the sound of it she would not be wasting a gap year, but has clear ideas of what she wants to do.

It is not your friend’s decision. Your friend can take her gift back if it bothers her. Or she can leave it with your DD, to use when she leaves home to go to uni or wherever. Conditional giving is wrong.

Seeing it as “now or never” is a lot of unnecessary pressure and counter productive for an anxious person. What’s the rush? I stayed home for a year, got a job and moved out, then went to uni a couple of years after that. No big deal.

Your friend may have known your DD for years. She may mean well, she might even be right that ideally the best thing for your DD to move out but it is still quite wrong for her to put you and your DD under that kind of pressure. It is your DD’s decision and not hers.

Actually if your DD doesn’t go to uni then you should go on holiday with your friends (though not necessarily this particular friend!) while your DD stays at home. It’s better for your DD if you try to step back so that DD’s decisions have less impact on your own life. Unless your DD is a danger to herself or others, in which case she needs serious professional help.

You and your DD both sound as if you lack confidence and are too invested in keeping other people happy.

Yanbu. Friend is a bully and should butt out. Your DD is completely right to defer if she is anxious. It is not "now or never", she can start uni any age she likes, and I personally think she will benefit more if she defers until she is ready. I went when I wasn't ready and ended up leaving in the first year due to depression and anxiety. Still don't have a degree, but I have professional qualifications I gained while working and earn more than most friends with a degree

As someone who admits and has to give pastoral care to university undergrads, I can confirm that 'just taking the plunge' is a risky strategy. Every year we have to support students crashing out of their course after several miserable weeks of non-attendance (some holed up in their digs, too scared to come out) because they came when they weren't ready to. Students who take at least one year out, especially those who have had resonsibilities in that time, e.g. of paid work, come back more mature, ready to learn and having had a taste of the world. I would make it compulsory if I could.

You said your DD is 19, has she an early September birthday, or has she already had a year out somewhere along the line? If she's already had a year out somewhere, could that be influencing your friend, that your DD would be starting uni at 20 if she goes next year?

How far away is the Uni? Is it a subject your DD feels comfortable with?

Of course she can defer, loads do. One of DS's housemates took a year out. She is of course a year older than the rest of the house but no one cares.

Good luck to your DD whatever she chooses

I went to university straight from school because that was the expected thing.
I suffered massively from anxiety and dropped out after six months. My parents were despairing. However, I got a decent job, worked for several years, bought a flat and then went back to uni. I was older, wiser and a
bit more resilient. I got a first - I don't know the stats but mature students do tend to do well. Your DD has a solid plan in place to make good use of her time. Your friend sounds a bit unhinged.

My parents made my sister go to university. She didn't leave her room for five days and came home for a year out. She went back the following year. She just wasn't ready. I could understand why they were worried she might not do anything because she'd had a year off school and I think was almost a bit agoraphobic, but she got a job and worked for a year and got good experience. In my view given the cost of university now no one should go unless they have made a positive decision and there are lots of mature students who probably do better because they tend to be more focused. All the best x

I suspect your 'friend' is more concerned about herself rather than you to be blunt. She sounds like she's trying to get your DD off the scene so that she has you to herself. Otherwise it's entirely weird for her to be so over-invested in your DD's life choices.

Does she have children around too?

YANBU except that I'm a bit worried that you imply that you can't go away on holiday with friends if your DD doesn't go to uni.

She's an adult. You need to start treating her like one if she's ever going to gain enough confidence to go to uni. That means your holiday goes ahead regardless of what choice she makes.

To paraphrase someone else on here, my response in this situation would be to tell 'friend' to fuck off to the far side of fuck and fuck off a little bit more. You cannot force your daughter to go to uni, you do not want to, and your friend has no say. Who cares if she bought a load of stuff without being asked to.

Your friend is needing to back off your Dd does not need to do anything she does not want to. It is perfectly possible for young adult children to function go to college/uni/work and live at home. Staying in halls or whereever is not the beall and end all.

DBro attempted Uni, has a long history of social anxiety and depression, he managed to complete his access yr but had a massive wobble in his first "proper" year. He had decided to live in a house with his old flat mates from halls the year before, he returned home at Christmas having gotten to the stage when he couldn't leave his room and my mum was responsible for paying his rent for the Rest of the year.

When she does go make sure the Uni are aware of her difficulties they offer a massive amount of support but only if they know how to help. DBro didn't tell them till it was too late, extensions on assignments a scribe to take notes in lessons if she is unable to go because of MH issues and if she's likely to have a wobble try and get her into Uni run halls instead of Private landlords.

It is by no mans a case of now or never, I think it's better to go to Uni a little later I definetly got more out of it than of I had gone at 18 and she also has the option of Open University/ distance learning if she feels unable to go to a far away Uni. If she goes to a campus Uni and it doesn't workout she can transfer credits to an Open Uni course as well.

I suspect your 'friend' is more concerned about herself rather than you to be blunt. She sounds like she's trying to get your DD off the scene so that she has you to herself.

^^ I thought this too.

Honestly she can go at any time or look into OU - it really isn't now or never.

For our own children if they aren't completely sure about their plans we plan to encourage a productive year break rather than rack up debt.

I would support and encourage a productive year - getting continuing treatments for anxiety and working up to going to Uni.

I would also in future stop quite hard on any suggestions of friend interfering in future as soon as it's mentioned - so at the I'll sort her out stage in effort to head off situations like £70 blackmail pans schemes.

I find polite firmness and preparing children for games -helping them see hidden agenda like this stop most "helpful" schemes family member throw our children way.

People can still be generally okay and nice and still have very selfish agendas - or seem not to understand fully their own motives very well. The friend's helpfulness here really isn't anything like that though she may frame it that way to herself and others.

This friend is over-involved. You need to tell her that you are dd's parent and she needs to back off.

I'd also be looking to stop the party - as it's adding stress to the decision and an artificial time frame piling on unnecessary pressure and drama.

Plus it's an opportunity for yet more people to add their ten cents worth on a decision that is really your DD's.

i wouldn't be sitting by passively whilst my dd was steamrollered into a situation that landed her with huge amounts of debt!

this 'friend' sounds more like a bully. a manipulative bully who tries to disguise it with saccharine sweetness. i know i'd like to be there for that 'first', helping pick things and prepare for my dd first time living away from home.

your 'friend' also seems to have made a unanimous decision for your dd and is actively pushing her into it....she's bullying your dd - and i don't care what labels she uses to justify her 'authority' in this matter.
Tell her to step the fuck back! would you behave like that with any of your friends dc?

I think your friend needs to learn that gifts don't come with obligations. All that stuff will keep whether DD goes to uni, defers for a year or chooses not to go at all and uses that stuff for setting up her own home. Surely your friend would be happy to know that she's gifted your DD a very valuable starter kit for living away from home.

Your DD needs to do what's right for her, as you know. You're being really supportive. Your friend seriously needs to back off, it's not her life

My DD didn't feel quite ready a few years ago so she did a foundation degree year in the city near us. The following year she felt ready to go away. There was lots of people of different ages including a few over forty.
You DD can put the things away till next year and get a job and learn some life skills. Mental health is far more important so encourage her to develop skills nearby and her confidence will grow.