to think DD should not be forced to go to uni because a friend spent £70?

[Bluemoon49]

Apologies for the length of this but wanted to give proper backstory.

DD got accepted into uni this August, is due to start in two weeks. She has long term general anxiety and low self esteem issues. Since results day she has been having second thoughts about going and considering the idea of taking a year out and going to university next September. She definitely wants to go to uni, she just doesn't feel ready for it this year due to a number of reasons. She says she will get a job and do some volunteering in charity events as this is something she's interested in as a career. I have said she can do whatever she wants but she has been very confused and kept changing her mind one way or the other as it's a big decision to defer for a year and she's worried about being a year older when she starts etc

Have told friends that she is having doubts about going this year. There is one in particular, who has known DD since she was 4 and is more like an aunt to her, who is very much of the mind that DD should go this year as it's 'now or never' and if she doesn't go this year she never will. This friend has said to me very firmly that it's up to me to tell DD that she doesn't have a choice and basically force her to go his year. She gets annoyed when I tell her that DD is 19 and can make her own choice and I will support her. She thinks that I am holding her back and DD is being soft/just needs a push from me to get on with her life and that it will be best for her to leave me and be with other young people. I agree with this, but at the moment DD is really depressed, can't get excited about university at all and really feels that it's all happening too fast. I'm worried if she forces herself to go she could end up having a break down and coming home, or at least not making the most of uni.

Now the complicated bit is that DD went to have meningitis jab on Thursday and because she has a phobia of needles and needed someone with her, and I was working, this friend went with her. They then went back to friend's house for lunch. At this point DD was of the mind that she was going to uni as planned this year. My friend had said to me the day before that she would "draw DD out" and "make sure she goes to university". I arrived to pick her up at end of day to find that friend had taken DD out to The Range and bought her a car load of stuff for uni - plates, trays, mugs, cutlery, utensils, pans etc - costing £70. She did this as a 'uni present' for DD as she knows that I couldn't afford to buy her lots of new things and DD was just going to take a few things from home. DD was thrilled with all the lovely things and said that she would go to university this year.

However, as days have passed she has admitted to me that deep down she still doesn't want to go this year and would feel much more comfortable taking a year out. She feels guilty about the £70 that friend spent and feels this means she has to go now. Friend has also planned a party for this Saturday.

Saw friend the other day, along with another friend. Other friend said "so, is it so and so date that DD goes to uni? - that is if she goes!" and friend 1 looked at me meaningfully and said "oh she's going, she has to go, she doesn't have a choice, isn't that right Blue?" and I said "no, she can choose to do whatever she wants." This seemed to annoy friend and she said "yes, but you're not going to tell her that! You tell her she hasn't got a choice!"

DD is very worried that if she chooses not to go to university this year my friend is going to be annoyed. She hasn't said outright that she would be annoyed because of the £70 shopping trip but it seems likely. I know it's an awkward situation and it is embarrassing after she's spent so much, but she chose to do that and DD can still take all the lovely things with her when she goes next year. AIBU to think that DD should be free to defer uni if she wants, despite friend?

Agree with all of above your friend is an interfering dick. However it's kitchen stuff, stick in a box for next yr or whenever she goes.

She may flourish if she goes this year, people tend to find their niche at away at uni. Everyone is in the same boat - no one knows anyone - it may be the perfect time for a little reinvention... fake it till you make it! There's no way of knowing. All I do know is that no one should pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to do. If she only needs a gentle nudge, you should be the one to give it to her if you think it is necessary.
Tell her that the friend has should have no bearing on the situation and has F all to do with it.

Some friend. Tell her to butt right on off and leave your daughter alone.

YANBU! Your DD is effectively being bullied by your friend. Take the pressure off your DD by making she knows that your friend's feelings are not a consideration and if necessary you can return/refund the gift (or keep it for year's time). Dont let £70 determine your DD's decision. The gift will come to have all sorts of horrible meaning if you let it.

If your DD feels wants to gain confidence over the next year by doing voluntary work etc then she should. Lots of students take a gap year so she wont be the only one.

Do be careful though that she uses her gap year and doesn't shy away from filling her life. A friend's DD was in a similar position and took a year out to live at home and gradually do voluntary work. She gained confidence and said it was the best thing she did. Good luck!

Jeez your friend is a fucking bully.

YANBU. Your "friend" is literally saying "I spent £70 on you so you have to do what I say." Which is straight up abusive.

It might also be good to remind her she's saying "I spent £70 on you, so go spend £64K that you're not sure about."

I went through university with depression and anxiety and uni really helped but at the same time, it was a temporary help. I ended up back in the same cycles as before and didn't do as well as I could have. I think that if she needs a mental health year, she NEEDS a mental health year, there's no two ways about it. If she is even questioning, I'd get onto the uni and at least talk about deferral and what it might mean if not organizing it.

I took a gap year and went travelling by working for charity and doing Camp America. It helped my confidence loads and meant I went to uni feeling properly ready to be looking after myself. I met lots of other people who had done similar and all those who'd come straight from school were quite jealous of the life experiences we'd had. It sounds like your daughter would benefit from a gap year, providing she uses it to work on her confidence and get out of her comfort zone a bit - it will help her so much when she does go to Uni. As for your friend; you are definitely NBU. Absolutely inexplicable outrageous blackmail from your friend. Such a shame!

What a mad story. Of course your daughter should 100% listen to her instinct and NOT rush into uni. It's hugely expensive and stressful and she may find herself dropping out if her heart is not in it or she is not ready for the intensity of it. I was over 20 when I went to uni and because I was older, had travelled, partied and worked before going, I was much more committed to my studies and also clearer about what I wanted to do.

Trusting your instinct in life is a very important skill and it seems she is well 'tuned in' to her own needs. No way should any 'friend' be trying to push her into a direction she doesn't want to do, it's very manipulative behaviour. It would be a terrible decision to go for the sake of a a £70 gift and I'm sure she knows this.

Tell her the wisest course is to listen to her feelings and take a break before diving in. If your friend is upset, she;'ll just have to chalk that up to experience.

Tell her to listen to her instinct. There's a right time to go ( or not) - going when she's not ready can potentially end in disaster. Both my dd s deferred a year and it's been absolutely the best thing. It's good to be a bit older when you go- she'll get more out of it and feel more in control.
As to your friend- I suggest you keep your distance for a bit, but give her the £70 so she has no hold. Good luck.

Whaaat?! Its now or never? At 19?! I would recommended deferring uni until she knows exactly what she wants and can enjoy it, otherwise a lot of time and money can be wasted not to mention the pressure. People go to uni later in life now due to extortionate fees. Also people think they can 'cure' people who are depressed by attempting to jolly them out of it and telling them what they should do. This is misunderstanding the person, illness and disempowers them further.

I wish Id been encouraged to take a year out before uni my course was stressful and I went straight from hard work at a levels to feeling and overwhelmed and ended up taking a year out due to depression in my second year I just burnt out! Please tell her to go travelling. I never got to travel as I went straight into full time work when I qualified and have not seen a great deal of places around the world. If she is having doubts he is being honest and is maybe not ready for uni. Tell your friend firmly to back off this is nothing to do with her.

My youngest son starts Uni at the end of the month. He's 21. At 18 he didn't feel ready, at 19 he was working, at 20 he went back to college and now HE'S ready. His eldest brother went to Uni at 18 and ended up having to repeat a year - he probably wasn't ready tbh. It's a gift to your adult children to let them make their own decisions. Sometimes we just have to grit our teeth and let them :)

DD was in two minds about a gap year, then she found out that her (NHS) course doesnt start until March so she can have the best of both worlds, 6 months to earn some savings and doesnt have to defer. Had she been leaving now, I am sure that she wouldnt have been ready.

YANBU! Your friend may be trying to come from a good place but is going about it in the completely wrong way.

1. I started uni this year, I am 19 and one of the youngest in my class. If your DD defers a year she won't be alone. PLENTY of people do so, her class (whatever her chosen course is) will be full of people who have taken a year out because they were confused about what to do, went travelling, worked for a year or more... And mature students! I am the youngest in my friendship group at uni and we all do different courses.

2. If she isn't ready she will not do well. 3/5 of my closest friends From
   halls are now changing uni, changing courses, or failed the first year. Most of them spent too long partying as they lost interest or worrying as they hadn't made the right choice and as a result didn't do well. So she needs to be sure as if she goes and cocks it up she may be faced with having her funding cut. Student finance are about to make some serious changes. I am not trying to scare you but honestly, it's too expensive to waste a year as the amount of cuts and changes in gov. can seriously leave her £1000's out of pocket.

3. Maybe it seems like she is just anxious/nervous to people on the outside, as lots of us are (I was totally shitting myself before I started uni) but if she has come to you and said she's not ready then don't push her. You are her mum and if you have picked up on her being seriously down/depressed about the whole thing maybe she does need the year to prepare and get ready for the biggest change in her life so far! A year out working can also good amazing on CV by the way and most people leave uni wishing they had some work experience. I've managed to fall pregnant after my first year (I am sure your DD won't don't fear!) but as I'm continuing with my degree I wish I had taken a year out to work as now it would put me in such good stead to find a job after I'm done.

Lots of pro's to a year out. Don't baby her by indulging in her fears but if she's depressed it's not fair to push her. Your friend may be trying to come from a good place but quite frankly needs to piss off if she keeps interfering. £70 can be paid back or the stuff can be given back if she is that fussed about it.

Hope this helps! X

I was widowed on my eldest DC's 18th (one of four, the youngest being 8). For his sanity's sake, I encouraged him to take a year out before uni and was grateful I did. He still suffered bad moments at uni and I encouraged him to use its counselling service which helped. My next DD cocooned herself in her room for a couple of years and eventually regained sufficient enthusiasm for life to attend a sixth from college and attain good A levels, although it took her an extra year. She deferred her university offer for a year but when my father became ill and died, deferred another year. I am about to take her this week, starting at 21 when all her friends have just finished their degrees. I have absolutely no regrets. I always knew she would eventually want to 'complete' her formal education and from the days of tremendous worry over her and her siblings, I am assured that her self-confidence has grown out of all recognition and she is now utterly ready for this in a way she was not a couple of years ago. Although other members of my family were concerned she may never continue study, I was guided by her desires and am content that her decisions were right for her and would encourage you to continue in your way of thinking with your daughter. All the very best.

I wouldn't even let my mum or sister who are blood relatives and are very big parts of my daughter's life force her into something like this.

It may just be that your daughter has got cold feet and it may not be easier next year either. Maybe she should talk to someone eg her tutor at the University she is supposed to go to. She'll need to talk to them re deferment anyway. They will have encountered this situation before and are in a better position to advise her and to perhaps help her know her own mind.
Would be a good idea for the university folk to know she is of a nervous/anxious disposition so they can offer support when she goes.
Good luck to her and to you.

Going to uni is a big step for a confident student, let alone one with anxieties and phobias. Let her have as long as she needs to get ready (or to choose something else to do instead). And tell the friend to back off. Only you and your DD know what is best.
I saw so many students fall by the wayside at uni. Mental health issues are a big one st uni and need to be got on top of before she leaves home.
Good luck!

It's really stupid to start a university course when you know that you aren't ready. False-starts cost thousands of pounds. £70 is irrelevant.

As someone that has severe depression, and is trying to climb out of a massive dip myself at the moment, please severe ties with this person. It doesn't matter how long she's known you DD. She is harming her mental health by putting this pressure on her.
Your DD is being so sensible by waiting a year. If she goes now, I'd say there's a high chance of her dropping out due to the depression.
Please don't take this the wrong way.. if you've not had depressing yourself, I'm happy to describe what it's like with added pressure etc I really hope that doesn't come across as rude or patronising . Wishing your DD the best of luck, whatever she decides.

I went to uni when I really shouldn't of. I lasted a year and a nice breakdown. I took a year out and then went back, to a different uni and a totally different course. I would say if she doesn't feel ready to go then going could cause more problems and she seems to have a nice solid plan. She will make new friends at uni. If I were you I would support her having a year or two out and work on her anxiety and self esteem (which might improve through a job and volunteering).

Loads of people have a year out. I did, and most of the friends I made at uni had also had a year out. It's not 'now or never', and future employers will look approvingly at a year out spent productively. It tends to make for more mature and well rounded graduates! If it was me, I would tell my friend how much I appreciated her interest and care for my child, but that we clearly had different views on this, and do not want to fall out over it, but at the end of the day, she is my daughter and you need to respect my views and my daughters decisions.
The presents for uni can be kept until she does go, or returned if your friend prefers. There are alarming statistics for drop outs, suicides and depression for young people at uni. You know your daughter best.

Your "friend" is clearly not really a friend at all, but someone who feels that she has the right to push others into doing things against their will. I am sure that she also feels that she is always right. And the £70 blackmail is just ludicrous. Simply return everything to her so that she can get a refund. Kitting out your daughter is your prerogative and I'm sure that you and she would have really enjoyed choosing things together if you had thought that this was the right thing to do.

Is a degree essential to what your daughter wants to do, or could she gain more from actually working? My youngest daughter got a uni place and she did talk to me about whether it was right for her - she really wanted to get a job and get on with her life. I have nothing against this as I believe that is is perfectly possible to end up with a equally good job if you start off working three years earlier than your peers. In the end she went but never really settled to it and left after two terms. It was really rather a waste of that time.

I do agree with others however that your daughter is probably less likely to go next year - and it is possible that her anxiety and lack of confidence will not be any less then than now. Perhaps working for a year might be better for her than a traditional gap year? Making new friends and having her own money would probably do a lot for her confidence. And she can always decide to go to uni if she want to, next year or later in life.

Your daughters lifetime happiness for £70? I think not. If she's not ready to go not only will it be detrimental to her anxiety and self esteem, but also her academic success.

Talking as a mature student (I'm in my late 30's) and SU rep- Wether your daughter goes to uni or not is down to her. A year out now won't make that much difference age wise - gap years ((or several) spent travelling or working or different access routes such as apprenticeships are common and a lot of students are starting uni later.

Practically, if your daughter does decide she's not ready to go this year then she should look to structure her time - it's easy to fall in to a gap year trap of only having vague plans and find that 12 months rushes by and you havent really achieved anything. If this means work -voluntary or otherwise - for your daughter then she needs to be looking sooner rather later. She mind find this the motivation to go to uni now, instead of taking time out, or vice versa.