One daughter is far prettier than the other

[amiabitch]

I know I sound like a terrible mother but bare with me.

One daughter is stunning. Since the day she was born, people have gone out of their way to tell me she is beautiful. She is regularly referred to as 'the pretty blond one'.

I have another daughter who is adorable, cheeky and can frankly get away with murder with her smile. I am always told how 'unusual' she looks and how adorable she is. But she is not ' stunning' like my other daughter. She is however undoubtably beautiful.

I regularly feel bad about this. My 'stunning' daughter has behavioural and emotional difficulties. My other daughter is outgoing and does not struggle emotionally.

I love my girls. They are both beautiful and extraordinary to me in their different ways. My worry is that one daughter will suffer poor self esteem due to her sisters physical attributes as they go through school etc. I have always been very plain and told I am ugly compared to family members and I still have no self esteem because of this. Please tell me I am stupid.

I genuinely worry about this. I have never told my girls that they are beautiful simply because of their looks. I always say they are kind and smart and funny which makes them the most beautiful girls in the world. But as they get older other people's opinions will mean more to them. Just because I allowed these things to upset me doesn't mean they will right?!

Please tell me your experiences/ thoughts?

Who knows what will happen? I was a very odd looking child/pre-teen, then practically overnight I turned into what society considers attractive. My mother never said a thing about it, before or after, and its absolutely the best thing she could have done. Just don't make pretty an issue. Honestly. It shouldn't be, and it's horribly depressing how invested (some) girls are in the concept these days. The full makeup, the whole 'look', the eyebrow shaping....my God, how much time must that take up?

OP, can I suggest you read the Judy Blume novel "Deenie"? It deals with two sisters in exactly this position, and with the subsequent medical problems of the "prettier" one. I read it as a teenager identifying with the sisters, but now as an adult I can realise that it was the mother who struggled most of all. You've been really responsive to the feedback on this thread, and I think you might benefit from some counselling..

Op you sound lovely and parenting is such a minefield. I think the key thing is praising all of their attributes - including the way they look occasionally, because let's face it this will form part of their self esteem, it just shouldn't be seen as more important than anything else.

toffee summed it up nicely earlier - *Don't tell them they are beautiful because they are kind or smart. Tell them they are kind and smart, and you are proud of them and love them. Beauty isn't an important concept unless you make it one'

I have a stunning typically stunning DD and two who are pretty. I've always told them that they are worth more then their bones and skin. That some In our society are fickle and there are far more meaningful things. The important quality in our family is kindness.

I do hope that by the time your girls are Facebook users, posters will have stopped their incessant fawning over photographs and telling everyone they are "beautiful/gawjus/hawt" etc etc.

I think this is part of the problem nowadays...everyone putting so much emphasis on telling people that how they look is the most important thing.

You may not have said anything but your anxiety over their 'looks' is bound to bleed out. Your daughters are individuals and you can not compensate one for the supposed 'deficiencies' of the other. The whole rewarding them as a single entity is over compensating and is probably as a direct result of your anxieties. If most of the comments are coming from your family then yes I'd shut those down but when it comes to strangers, it's usually just something they say in the absence of not knowing anything about your child beyond their physical appearance.

Your anxieties come from a real place but your DD's don't come that place because they have parents who think differently.

Thank you for your responses, they all make sense. The main quality we promote in our family is always kindness too, it is a much underrated strength and quality.
I will definitely read Judie Bloom, thank you for the suggestion.

Although I do have low self esteem, I have come to realise as an adult that I am comfortable and happy as me. The person I was compared too has just gotten divorced from a horrendous marriage, however I have been married 10 years with two amazing girls to focus on. I realise looks have not bought any further advantage in later life.

However, parenting is a mind field and my worry is more about being the best parent I can be, which is not something I received as a child myself. Asking advice and learning from others experiences can sometimes give greater perspective.

Yes i think you can stem a lot of potential insecurities by avoiding Facebook Instagram and so on

However, parenting is a mind field and my worry is more about being the best parent I can be, which is not something I received as a child myself. Asking advice and learning from others experiences can sometimes give greater perspective.

To me it looks like you are already doing well as a parent. The problem you face is not that one of your daughters is prettier than the other, the problem is that girls are taught by media, other people, basically everyone, to make their self-esteem dependent on their appearance.

You wrote you already discourage people from commenting on their looks. That's great!

What you can also do: Keep an eye on media. Not let them watch TV on their own (at the age they are, they shouldn't watch much, anyway), don't let magazines lie around the house where women are depicted as decorative objects and/or that contain dieting advice and the like.

Also, give them role models that are not beautiful, or whose looks just don't matter. There's not many movies you can watch with young girls without exposing them to harmful messages, but perhaps things will become better in a couple of years. And I'm sure you will know which movies to avoid!

(Reminds me of this piece of art: www.womenyoushouldknow.net/flatten-heroine-artist-puts-disney-princess-filter-10-real-life-female-role-models/ Nicely shows the difference between real-women-as-role-models and disney princess ...)

I have to mixed raced daughters one very light and one dark often people try to paw all over the lighter daugter however I just don't allow it

So Somone may say when they are both there xxx is so pretty and I would say yes my girls are lovey aren't they

I don't want my younger daughter a big head being black women we have enough issues the world tell her already because she is lighter she is more valuable it's up to me to counter that message

She is valuable because she is kind and bright not because her skin is lighter than her sisters

My mum used to say I was the smart one, and my sis was the one with the looks. That is not a good thing to say to your daughters.

Who refers to her as "the pretty blonde one"?

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

Your first child being more conventionally beautiful means nothing. Beauty ideals change. The massive arses that are considered beautiful now would have been considered a deformity in the 90s!
And you only need one person to be attracted to you to have a happy relationship. Continue to admire all of your girls qualities and let other people crack on. They will find out that some people are looks obsessed and some aren’t.
Your thread has reminded me of the one a couple of weeks ago where a mum was looking at photos with her sons gf and forcing her to agree that the other son was just as good looking. Don’t be that mum!

Oh just noticed it’s a zombie so it reminded me of something that hadn’t happened yet! Think I remember the thread the first time round as well and possibly commented under a different name 😂