One daughter is far prettier than the other

[amiabitch]

I know I sound like a terrible mother but bare with me.

One daughter is stunning. Since the day she was born, people have gone out of their way to tell me she is beautiful. She is regularly referred to as 'the pretty blond one'.

I have another daughter who is adorable, cheeky and can frankly get away with murder with her smile. I am always told how 'unusual' she looks and how adorable she is. But she is not ' stunning' like my other daughter. She is however undoubtably beautiful.

I regularly feel bad about this. My 'stunning' daughter has behavioural and emotional difficulties. My other daughter is outgoing and does not struggle emotionally.

I love my girls. They are both beautiful and extraordinary to me in their different ways. My worry is that one daughter will suffer poor self esteem due to her sisters physical attributes as they go through school etc. I have always been very plain and told I am ugly compared to family members and I still have no self esteem because of this. Please tell me I am stupid.

I genuinely worry about this. I have never told my girls that they are beautiful simply because of their looks. I always say they are kind and smart and funny which makes them the most beautiful girls in the world. But as they get older other people's opinions will mean more to them. Just because I allowed these things to upset me doesn't mean they will right?!

Please tell me your experiences/ thoughts?

I am confused.
So one daughter has behavioural and emotional difficulties.
The other doesnt and instead is very outgoing and happy.

Yet you are worried about the second one because you dont think she is as pretty?

You are projecting your insecurities on your daughter and to be honest I think it is pretty poor to worry so much about the girls appearance. Maybe think about why it is so important to you to be pretty and what made it that way and then try to remove that pressure so they dont learn that.

Help your daughter with her emotional and behavioural needs by starting to see her for more than her looks

I don't think school will let ur pretty DD off working, she will be expected to try as hard as anyone else. I'm average looking I reckon, but have had 2 different friends who were very attractive, and found that actually, some teachers seemed to really dislike them for no reason I could see, and other girls avoided them and assumed they were mean (one was a very good friend for years, and I know for a fact that she was very sweet and kind).

So tho it may seem obvious to you that she has an advantage, it may not always be like that!

As one of three sisters... I was never the prettiest one.. However i was brought up by an amazing mother and father who taught us all beauty isnt a body but a heart. Me and my sisters are very close the prettiest never bragged or showed off her self. She never looked down on me or our other sister. Instead she pointed out feautres we had which she loved. She always wanted my hair. And my other sisters teeth.
Yes she always caught boys eyes first, yes she turned peoples heads in the street and yes people outside our family thought wow everytime they seen her. But because of the beautiful heart she has and the way she loves me and my other sister and is full of nothing but pride and compliments to us. I have never once felt jealous of her.. And never once felt in her shadow. I understand why u are worried but trust me raise your girls to have beautiful hearts and support and love eachother and they'll fight the world together xxx

As one of three sisters... I was never the prettiest one.. However i was brought up by an amazing mother and father who taught us all beauty isnt a body but a heart. Me and my sisters are very close the prettiest never bragged or showed off her self. She never looked down on me or our other sister. Instead she pointed out feautres we had which she loved. She always wanted my hair. And my other sisters teeth.
Yes she always caught boys eyes first, yes she turned peoples heads in the street and yes people outside our family thought wow everytime they seen her. But because of the beautiful heart she has and the way she loves me and my other sister and is full of nothing but pride and compliments to us. I have never once felt jealous of her.. And never once felt in her shadow. I understand why u are worried but trust me raise your girls to have beautiful hearts and support and love eachother and they'll fight the world together xxx

I might be being over protective! And projecting my own self worth, but they do not see or hear these opinions

Ah but they will! They will pick up on what you think about them, whether you say it out loud or not.

In the nicest possible way, this is entirely your issue. Your DDs are so young, they will change loads as they grow up. It is bizarre that you are worrying about the comparative prettiness of 4/5/6 year olds.

What they look like really doesn't matter. The people they are and will become matters a lot. Don't tell them they are beautiful because they are kind or smart. Tell them they are kind and smart, and you are proud of them and love them. Beauty isn't an important concept unless you make it one, and it sounds as though you are putting it front and centre in how you view your children.

Have you thought about getting some counselling about your self image issues?

As one of three sisters... I was never the prettiest one.. However i was brought up by an amazing mother and father who taught us all beauty isnt a body but a heart. Me and my sisters are very close the prettiest never bragged or showed off her self. She never looked down on me or our other sister. Instead she pointed out feautres we had which she loved. She always wanted my hair. And my other sisters teeth.
Yes she always caught boys eyes first, yes she turned peoples heads in the street and yes people outside our family thought wow everytime they seen her. But because of the beautiful heart she has and the way she loves me and my other sister and is full of nothing but pride and compliments to us. I have never once felt jealous of her.. And never once felt in her shadow. I understand why u are worried but trust me raise your girls to have beautiful hearts and support and love eachother and they'll fight the world together xxx

Are the people who are constantly telling just one dd that she is beautiful and not the other one the same ones who said you were very plain and told I am ugly compared to family members ?

They are the ones with a problem and I would limit contact with them.

If she's just starting school who knows what puberty will do to her looks :)

Keep on downplaying the looks thing. Praise hard work, things that are in their control.

All through my life I heard people talk about how pretty my sister was. My mother never corrected them, and in fact bought into it, sending my sister's photo (with me marked out) to competitions, taking her to model agencies. Agreeing with people who stopped to remark on her looks, and comment that she would be "stunning", all the while ignoring me. It was generally accepted she had the looks, mine were never mentioned. Except when I hit puberty, was deemed "fat", and put on the first of many diets.

Looking back on photos she was your stereotypically blonde, chubby, curly haired toddler/small child. That's it.

Don't buy into it. If someone comments, say that they're both beautiful, and don't let them continue to make a fuss.

I have two nieces. Eldest is stunning.

I will quote my youngest niece (teenagers) during a spat:

'You're beauty will fade...my humour will last forever'.

It's all about perspective!

I often got told that my eldest dd was a beautiful baby and child. My second dd perhaps not so much so to others, but just a lovely little girl, who just wanted to be loved and eager to please everyone.

As other posters have said, don't get too over invested in your girls' looks. Years on, second daughter is very attractive. I think it is quite right what other's say that a super cute kid doesn't always translate to a great looking adult. She sort of grew into herself if that makes any sense.

We judge far too much on looks and I have never forgiven my MIL for ignoring my lovely new dd because she was not a pretty baby often asking only to see her elder grandchild. I told her they came as a pair and if she didn't want to see dd2, then she saw neither. After all, we didn't all refuse to see her because she was an ugly bug inside and out!

It's strangers though. Every passport check. Elderly men on the bus. Other mothers. Acquaintances. We never ever refer to this or allude to it but cannot control other (thick) adults.

Dd2 is and always has been beautiful. All children are I know but dd2 is objectively. Dd1 is attractive but not in same league. I get you op.

it's their chance to shine as individuals. God, it's your chance to teach them about stereotypes and stuff. You know what's best for them, and for all you know, your 'beautiful' daughter may grow up to have a strong spine whereas the stunning one will be self-concious - you see if your pretty you have standards to keep up with, and it can get ...tiring? when people expect you to be a particular way that's the expression you tend to offer them.

Vice versa. Leave 'em be and don't discriminate

Please tell me I am stupid.

Yes, you are!

What the hell matters what we look like?? None of us have any control over it, and yet here you are fretting over it because one of your children is "stunning" and the other isn't regarded as such by others. Get a grip, woman!

Thank you for your msgs. For the most part you have been very kind, for what is frankly a fucking stupid thread!!!!

My daughters emotional and behavioural difficulties are being supported. I have fought hard to get the help she deserves and she is now coming out the other side. She is incredibly sensitive by nature and told consistently and emphatically that she is valued by her friends and family due to her kindness, ability to make us laugh and will to do her best at everything she does. Her physical beauty is just a bonus.

My other daughter does not struggle and is also praised for her talents consistently and emphatically. They are definitely equals in our eyes and theirs.

We promote sisterhood between them. They do not get separate rewards for their own behaviour, but rewards for 'being the best sisters ever' (they get to put Pom poms in s jar when they have acted kindly, patently etc to each other) and when the jar is filled we gave a family day out of their choosing.

I am simply worried that in a physically obsessed world my very outgoing child could end up the one who suffers emotionally, and I feel hurt by this.

Its a feminist issue IMO there is far too much emphasis on girls looks in our society. As pp say it's important to counter against that within the family.

I was a stunning baby, my mother got stopped all the time.
I was an average child, then a very attractive teen/adult.
I have great bone structure and this came into play as an adult.

I look at my daughter now and she has amazing bone structure but she doesn't look pretty, but she will be stunning as an adult. Some photos are really weird she looks older and astonishingly beautiful. she got a great mix from DH and I, the features that are not quite perfect in me she has avoided as she got DH features. ( being very picky over lips could be fuller, eyes bigger type of stuff) she's also taller.

Looking back at the pretty girls at school, they got much less pretty with age.

I hope that I have explained what I mean, pretty as a child Is very different from stunning as an adult. If you look at lots of supermodels they look OK as children but stunning as adults.

I wouldn't worry yet your less attractive child might well overtake the other, you can't change genetics and they have to accept what they get.

Children change as they get older.

I have a somewhat similar situation in that one daughter has an absolutely beautiful face but struggles emotionally. She also is heavier than her sister. Sister is fairly plain but finds life a lot easier. As it happens, my "beautiful" one envies her plainer younger sister. Without a doubt being beautiful hasn't really done anything for my daughter. Being innately self-confident has made a huge difference in my younger one's life.

Don't store up trouble for yourself. Your dd may stay stunning or may not. Your younger one may stay happy and plain or may become more attractive - and might also need support herself. All you can do is take it as it is right now.

I really do understand how easy it is to worry though. If you said "parent" to me in one of those psychological word games I would instantly answer "worry"

And if all else fails google the Percy French song "McBreen Had Two Daughters" for a laugh.

I would debate that we live in a physically obsessed world. In the teen years it seems to be very important. But not so much in the adult world - it's more of a choice then?

I'd tell both your girls that it doesn't matter to you what they look like, it matters how they behave.

i use to be an ugly child and i grew up pretty not being big headed just saying

I know it sounds like such a cliche, but beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.

My mother truly believes her older son is more attractive than her younger son. She's said this to me, certain that it is a simple fact, worrying about my little brother.

I am fairly sure, based on other people's comments, that many people wouldn't agree with her. But how can she or I really know? We're not exactly the people likely to be unbiased! And there is a very real possibility that the way we judge beauty in people to whom we're closely related, really is quite different from the way we judge beauty in people to whom we're not related, isn't there?

you need to make a real effort to deal with your issues from your childhood OP. It sounds like youre aware, but fixated on their looks

As "the clever one" to my sister's "the pretty one", from my own experience it's difficult to fade out the praise of strangers for what they can see in front of them. No-one's going to say "Wow what a brainbox!" It did make me feel ugly, even though I wasn't. My mother never did the "They're both beautiful" thing - just said thanks. I never felt she loved me less.
Nowadays when there seems to be ever more emphasis on a very narrow acceptable appearance, it's refreshing that your less stereotypical beautiful daughter seems to be rising above it.
I daresay every comment brings back the shrivelling-up-inside feeling I certainly always felt when people gasped at my sister, but please don't project your own pain on them. Play it down matter-of-factly and with as little emotional content as poss.

Go and inspire them both to be the very best human beings they can be. Far too much importance is given to our physical appearance. Beauty takes many, many forms.

I have a cousin who suffered low self-esteem because she was always compared negatively to her older sister's academic abilities.