One daughter is far prettier than the other

[amiabitch]

I know I sound like a terrible mother but bare with me.

One daughter is stunning. Since the day she was born, people have gone out of their way to tell me she is beautiful. She is regularly referred to as 'the pretty blond one'.

I have another daughter who is adorable, cheeky and can frankly get away with murder with her smile. I am always told how 'unusual' she looks and how adorable she is. But she is not ' stunning' like my other daughter. She is however undoubtably beautiful.

I regularly feel bad about this. My 'stunning' daughter has behavioural and emotional difficulties. My other daughter is outgoing and does not struggle emotionally.

I love my girls. They are both beautiful and extraordinary to me in their different ways. My worry is that one daughter will suffer poor self esteem due to her sisters physical attributes as they go through school etc. I have always been very plain and told I am ugly compared to family members and I still have no self esteem because of this. Please tell me I am stupid.

I genuinely worry about this. I have never told my girls that they are beautiful simply because of their looks. I always say they are kind and smart and funny which makes them the most beautiful girls in the world. But as they get older other people's opinions will mean more to them. Just because I allowed these things to upset me doesn't mean they will right?!

Please tell me your experiences/ thoughts?

I know it sounds like such a cliche, but beauty really is in the eye of the beholder

yy. I have a relative who thinks curly hair is beautiful. She'll stop curly haired children in the street and gush about how beautiful they are, and what stunning hair!

I really don't get it. I'll often look at photos of sisters and be utterly confused when someone points out the "beautiful" one. It's often one or two perceived features- often hair, blonde or long, or that round, slightly chubby child face...

They are so little, they could swap places in the looks department several times before adulthood.

As other Bees have said, when I think back, the girls we all thought were the prettiest at 4, 9, 11, even early teens, often didn't retain that advantage. I know two stunning sisters who spent their early years with bowl cuts, very strong prescription NHS plastic specs that gave them magnified bug eyes. Come their teens, faint moustaches came along to join the fun. Late teens and the hair was long and thick; beautiful faces emerged from the heavy fringes as contact lenses and kohl banished the specs and bug eyes; Jolen took care of the moustaches. Those sisters can still stop traffic in their mid-forties.

It's such a pain that little girls are constantly praised for their looks, and you know I'm pretty sure I'm guilty, - although I do it indiscriminately. It's so ingrained.

Please tell me your experiences/ thoughts?

I was the daughter whom my mother thought was plain. She described me as "handsome" and told me I would "grow into my face". I had 2 sisters whom I know she thought were beautiful - she used to say so.

How to give your daughter a complete complex for the rest of her life. Just stop comparing them OP and value your daughters for their talents and the characters NOT THEIR LOOKS. Looks are completely random & about genetic luck.

I kinda understand, I have 2 beautiful DDs. One is the typical beauty, blonde, big dark brown eyes, always smiling etc BUT she can be a terror at times and a little monkey. My second DD is a different kind of beautiful, she's dark with stunning blue eyes and a much more placid nature. To me, they both have their strengths and weaknesses and children are unique and will adapt their ways to deal with these.
I wouldn't worry about what others think, they will both be beautiful in their own way

My sister was always very feminine and referred to as beautiful. She was always being admired for her looks. She was dark haired with big brown eyes.
I, however, was a tomboy, stick thin, pale, fair and had short hair. I was often mistaken for a boy, and I was very conscious of how I was compared to her. I was geeky and bright. She was beautiful and adored.
I remained quite androgynous through my teens. The boys chased her, and were indifferent to me.
Then I was spotted by a photographer.

I was photogenic. Completely comfortable in front of a camera. I was approached by Elite Premier.
My sister was very attractive, but not tall enough, and too curvy.

I never went far with it, I was pushed to anorexia, and realized the stupidity of the industry, but my confidence went through the roof. I became a singer and a dancer.
My sister is still stunning, but we are very different. We attract very different men. We have both felt jealous at times, but I would say that we both became attractive women.
She hates my fast metabolism, I would love some curves. I would certainly say that I have more self assurance as an adult, which is quite strange.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. They will both be loved for their individual attributes.
Try not to overthink it!

I agree with you all! It has been playing on my mind as several friends/family have commented on it recently. My dh side of the family even argue with me about which child looks like them the most etc.

My girls are just lovely little girls to me, but I have felt a lot of pressure around the subject lately which makes me feel very sad

I know how you feel. It's the general public that constantly judge on looks. My second daughter is stunning. And everyone comments and says how beautiful she is.
Then as an after thought they say to my oldest you are pretty as well.
My eldest knows she isn't as attractive because of what other people say.
I do not want her to feel in her sisters shadow so to speak over looks. I can't stop the comments. I do wish people would think on before they gush over how stunning she is while my eldest is stood there.

But aren't they too young to even know what is 'beautiful'? So why stress now.

My 'stunning' daughter has behavioural and emotional difficulties. My other daughter is outgoing and does not struggle emotionally.

This is pretty much the same as in my family. I am the pretty one with the problems. My sister is the outgoing one. Not that she isn't pretty, she just doesn't have the same delicate features.

My sister is very happy and has a great life ahead of her.

I still have problems.

So perhaps you have to worry more about your prettier daughter. You feel bad about not being beautiful, but trust me, it doesn't really solve any problems to be pretty.

Telling people off for telling your daughters that they are beautiful is a good thing!
I was the pretty one. After a short time dreaming of becoming a supermodel, I found feminism. Have never used make-up, and always focused on other things.
It would probably not have turned out that way if I had heavily invested my self-esteem in being "beautiful" instead of being funny, kind, etc.

Children go through different phases - my DD1 was a stunning baby and people would stop me in the street to say it. She's now going through her awkward duckling teen stage of acne and gangly and not sure about her hairstyle etc, also a bit of a grumpy old eat bag. I know she will emerge from that a beautiful young lady, because I see her beauty inside and out. I tell her every day she's lovely and give her compliments as I don't think she can see it or doesn't feel it. I also try to put all the emphasis on being a beautiful person on the inside.

My other DD didn't get as much attention as a baby but she doesn't care at all for hair or make up or anything at all. She has lovely skin and really petite little facial features - she's so cute looking. She is the one who has the confidence as she doesn't seem to give a crap what anyone thinks about her.

I think, and correct everyone that would comment that they are both my beautiful girls they just have different 'looks' so to speak. And the inner confidence is what is important. I don't seem to need to compliment my younger daughter as much although I do try, she doesn't mind. But my older daughter is jealous of her confidence NOT her actual looks. That's what really matters....

I think it's fair to identify this about your children; it's not as if you're saying that one is your favourite over the other. I do worry about young people who seem to be very centred around their appearance rather than their personality , intelligence, intellect , achievements etc. I think all you can do is reinforce all their great qualities ( which sounds like you do) and show them diverse role models. My DD ( aged 4) and I had a great time watching bits and bobs of the olympics- she loved the cycling and gymnastics and will tell you that Laura Trott et al are "awesome". I also subscribe to emails by A mighty girl on FB which feature lots of resources addressing issues such as body image and hi light the work of pioneering women who might not be on your radar - scientists, engineers etc. Ultimately they will go out into the world and other people will comment but if they are secure with their identities as well rounded girls they will not be crushed.

amiabitch - I think this is key " I have always been very plain and told I am ugly compared to family members and I still have no self esteem because of this." I would get some advice/counselling to deal with any lingering anxiety about this.

Speak to your daughters about how beautiful, talented, brave, amazing they are. If others compare them, ask them to stop. No one should be weighing up who is the more 'beautiful' child, it is not right for the girls. If it comes up in your hearing, just say, 'my girls are both adorable' and ask them to not compare, unless they want to be compared as which aunt is nicer!

yes yes to a might girl!

I know a family like this - fast forward 25 years though. Crucially the mum places a huge value on looks and spends a huge amount of time and money on hair, make up, clothes, fake tan etc.

Mum has developed depression - unhappy that her looks are fading.

Stunning sister has disordered eating.

Not so stunning, but still beautiful sister developed anorexia before 10. Long stays in specialist units but the problem won't go away. It is very clear in her mind that she is the ugly one

Very sad.

It's difficult. I was always the clever one and my sister the pretty one (only "problem" was, she was clever too). It was hellish when I was about 18 and she was 15, and she blossomed, and I had never even had a boyfriend, or a Valentine's card. I was skinny and ginger, she was blonde with big boobs - your basic nightmare :o (as Carrie Fisher said). My mother was appalling - when she found me crying and moody one time when I just felt SO unfanciable and ugly and unpopular, she ended up yelling "Oh grow up, it's not MY fault you haven't got a very good figure!" I've never forgotten that. She also had the attitude that wanting to be attractive and popular was a sign of a weak character.

Once we were in our early 20s, it was ok. However I think the way you handle it is important. It does sound like your "personality" daughter has plenty of self esteem at the moment, though I do worry about girls nowadays, who have to cope with an even crazier beauty ethic than we did. Just try not to transfer your own memories onto them. It's probably a good thing I don't have daughters!

Leaving aside the issues of conventional beauty and the pressures women are put under, can I just check we are talking about 4 and 5 year old girls if they're just starting school? It seems VERY young to be even making a value judgement about their looks - what looks cute in a 4 year old might not translate into adult 'beauty'. And the looking through her eyelashes like 'Lady Di' sounds a bit odd. I always thought that sort of doe-eyed stuff was deliberate and conscious, not the sort of behaviour that would be exhibited by a child. I think you are really projecting your own securities but there's good advice on this thread suggesting how you might not make the same mistakes that people might have made with you as a child - hope it helps.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I remember telling dm about someone I thought was beautiful at college and dm had to ask me several times if I was sure that was her when she saw a photo

But things change. Growing up my neighbours had two daughters. The older girl was a little bit of a plain Jane. The younger girl was adorable.
Didn't see them for a several years and then saw them as older teens. The older girl was catch your breath beautiful, and the younger girl just ordinary.

I grew up on the periphery of a minor show biz family and was judged about my looks from the earliest I can remember. It started with the right sort of clothes then went on to hair, teeth, weight - all before starting secondary school.

Hair, teeth, weight, clothes still persecute me today when I meet family who judge me on these only.

I wake up for work and it only takes a moment to remember that I can not be everything others want me to be.

The attractiveness of youth only lasts a few years. I did make it to stunning at 21, which had its advantages. In the long run, however, it has not made a blind bit of difference.

I understand comments regarding counselling for myself, I am now at peace with my looks!

I was moved by the recent adverts promoting women in sports. Long time overdue. Both girls are very active and watching their reactions and excitement during the olympics was lovely. They are not girly girls in general, neither am I, I don't wear makeup and if they choose to wear a Spider-Man outfit all week, that's just gravy in my opinion! So they are not bombarded by vanity etc

I always felt like the ugly sister, I worked in the local supermarket as a teen, and a few years later my sister started there. My mum told me that she was being served by one of the checkout ladies who said 'its funny that one of your daughters is pretty and the other isnt', and my mum agreed!! I was shocked and said 'mum you let her say that!' and she replied she didnt say which one of you was pretty!

I have the same with my 2 girls. The eldest is very beautiful and has been told this by everyone since she was tiny. She is 13, tall, slim has beautiful hair, lovely big Blue eyes. She's intelligent and popular etc..

My youngest is 5 and is always referred to as cute and adorable but never pretty or beautiful. I have no idea why! I'm my opinion she's as lovely as her sister. I always used to worry that she would be overshadowed by her sister but she has a much more forceful character and is hilariously funny.
I do worry that my eldest is going to get big headed but so far she hasn't!

My two friends' daughters got married on the same day. Friend 1's daughter was a beautiful little girl with blonde curls and deep blue eyes. People stopped in the street to admire her. She made a bonny bride. However it was friend 2's daughter, never thought to be the least bit good looking, with pixie features and thin straggly hair that looked completely stunning in the wedding photos.

amiabitch re "I understand comments regarding counselling for myself, I am now at peace with my looks!" Then why did you say "I have always been very plain and told I am ugly compared to family members and I still have no self esteem because of this".

I don;t mind what the answer is but if you still have self esteem issues around looks I think you may be in danger of passing them on. I have an eating disorder, which kind of morphed out of OCD a long time ago. I really do not want either of my kids to develop an eating disorder. I am having counselling for my eating disorder.

But if you would not benefit from any counselling fine, I'd avoid subjects like who is prettier and tell them both how amazing they are, regularly, as I am sure you do.

They're just starting school, ffs, they will look totally different as they age. You are massively projecting. If I were you, I'd speak to friends and family and ask them not to make comments re beauty etc, it's not healthy. You need to stop comparing.

Children can and often do alter so much. A pretty little girl isn't necessarily going to grow up to be Chery ???? Whatever her name is now lookalike, just as. A not so pretty child isn't necessarily going to grow up to look like princess Fiona.
I wasn't so bad as child just ordinary run of the mill, but as a teen. I was beyond repulsive.
I'm completely unrecognisable now, though.