One daughter is far prettier than the other

[amiabitch]

I know I sound like a terrible mother but bare with me.

One daughter is stunning. Since the day she was born, people have gone out of their way to tell me she is beautiful. She is regularly referred to as 'the pretty blond one'.

I have another daughter who is adorable, cheeky and can frankly get away with murder with her smile. I am always told how 'unusual' she looks and how adorable she is. But she is not ' stunning' like my other daughter. She is however undoubtably beautiful.

I regularly feel bad about this. My 'stunning' daughter has behavioural and emotional difficulties. My other daughter is outgoing and does not struggle emotionally.

I love my girls. They are both beautiful and extraordinary to me in their different ways. My worry is that one daughter will suffer poor self esteem due to her sisters physical attributes as they go through school etc. I have always been very plain and told I am ugly compared to family members and I still have no self esteem because of this. Please tell me I am stupid.

I genuinely worry about this. I have never told my girls that they are beautiful simply because of their looks. I always say they are kind and smart and funny which makes them the most beautiful girls in the world. But as they get older other people's opinions will mean more to them. Just because I allowed these things to upset me doesn't mean they will right?!

Please tell me your experiences/ thoughts?

You have all been very kind and given great advice. I realise how vapid it may appear, I just had to get my frustration off my chest!

Would you feel the same if you had 2 sons?

If you continue to value the wrong things then, yes, there's a chance one will notice and get hung upon it. Value each one for who she is and give over with the "pretty" bullshit.

My sister is the beautiful one.

As a young woman she had a mass of tight gold ringlets, oriental looking eyes, full lips, high cheekbones, a defined jawline, the physique of a champion swimmer (though she wasn't an athlete) and a small neat little nose.

I never felt jealous of her. We were too different and my parents always made me feel loved.

I was the one who went on to marry someone wonderful, whereas at 53 she has never married and is now single after two long term relationships with selfish men, one of who was abusive to her. She isn't a good judge of character. I am. I sometimes wonder if people behaving differently to her because she was so beautiful stopped her from seeing them as they really were until it was too late.

In middle age we have started to look alike for some reason. She looks older than she is - smoking and alcohol isn't kind to women over 40. She is still beautiful though, and is a wonderful person.

Don't worry about one daughter being beautiful - it won't make a difference if you show it doesn't matter to you.

PickAChew I don't place value on beauty. If you read my other comments I think you will see this.

My overall hope for them is that as sisters they remain as United as they are now. To be confident and comfortable with who they are as individuals. I believe my dh and I do all we can to promote this, but outside factors have such influence on young minds.

Please just make sure you never let your daughters know this. My sister is the stunning one, I was the 'brainy' one. My mum has always alluded to this and many people have gone on about how beautiful my sister is. It's always made it awkward. I love my sister to bits, she's ace but I think she has her own issues.
It would just have been nice for me to think my mum saw me as beautiful. Sadly, she doesn't and has made this clear. Looks always fade, it's better to have other things to fall back on. Being beautiful doesn't necessarily make you happy.

I do know what you mean though. My SD is really stunning and I was worried I would have a not traditionally good looking daughter.
I'm also glad that I've had a DS and a DD so there will never be comparisons like I've had with my sister.

And I should have RTFT - I can see where your worry is coming from.

If you need to build up more confidence regarding shaking off people's shallow interpretations of "beauty" (I'm wondering if some of the people commenting on your daughters aren't close to the one to left you feeling sub par) I can strongly recommend people watching. The shy geeky chap with kind eyes, the woman who looks like she's lived a hard life but has a little sparkle when she talks to someone, the big bald guy with a gift for putting someone at ease....

Get over yourself and be grateful that you have two daughters who are beautiful in different ways. Who gets to say what beauty is anyway?

Onemorecup... After a horrific pregnancy and delivery of dd2 I am VERY greatfull to be alive and to have 2 healthy girls.

I think I should point out that my post isn't meant to offend or be insensitive to anyone who has struggled to conceive/bereaved etc.

I have a friend on Facebook who was a model and it's obvious that she feels the only attributes to emphasise that her daughters have is their looks / how they look,in their clothes. I find it incredibly sad. My own parents didn't treat me very well and the only nice things that I can remember them saying about me were related to my looks.

People who focus mostly on looks are shallow IMO.

My own daughters are beautiful but I never emphasise that because they are all much more than a pretty face. The only way that a child becomes known as 'the pretty one' is if their parents reinforce it.

They're only starting school, they will change a lot as the years go by. As others have pointed out, many people are more or less attractive at different points in their lives. My little girl is 6, and having been quite lovely (in my eyes anyway!) is currently much less so since her teeth started falling out! The gaps are one thing, but she has a top front tooth which is only attached by a bit of ligament and it has moved from where it used to be and literally dangles. It looks like something in an old crone's mouth. It's quite a minor thing but completely changes her appearance. And we all go through many such changes before we become adults.

My daughter has been beautiful all her life. It's actually a poisoned chalice. She was bullied by the strong and confident girls in her class who recognised that she was far more beautiful than they, but also vulnerable to their combined strength. I used to reassure her that she was clever, kind and brave, and that one day that combination of attributes would see her a success. Her beauty has definitely been an asset, and I am sure helped with her career, but a good First from a top ranking university, amazing IT skills and a single-minded approach has made her a happy woman...together with a lovely man who worships her exquisite beauty but also will hold her head as she suffers from food poisoning, tolerate her PMT and share her joy in opera and travel. When people comment on her looks, I always say "And she's the nicest person I know".

Wow robyn, what a lovely post.

From my experience, it's best to treat them both equally and encourage their own personal growth. Nip it in the bud if either one starts putting down each other.

My sister is beautiful, tall and often complimented by strangers. She's often lavish with nicer gifts because she's demands/expects them. Me? I'm a late bloomer, skinny and short but was happy in my own skin growing up, excel in extra curricular activities and school.

Sadly, she didn't treat me well. Likes to put me down including the way I dress but then proceed to steal the clothes and other belongings. Her words never bothered me as I like the way I look. When I took it back without confrontation, she steal it back and kept it locked. She once stole my class money £500 and only put it back when I bawled my eyes out since it wasn't mine. She treated others well that they are often skeptical when I relay her 'mistreatment'. She even hid my dress when I had a fancy do to attend and kept a straight face saying she haven't seen it. I found it months later in her locked cupboard which I open secretly.

Over the years, I've come to the realisation that she's a narcissist and have got low self esteem. I've never understood why she needs to be envious of me. She's got the looks, well to do boyfriends, good job, etc. I couldn't believe it when she thought I would steal her well to do fiance. My last straw was when she tried to paint me as a big spender to my parents when I was at uni. I don't talk to her apart from the birthday wishes or family gathering.

OP I think your own expereince is colouring your view of your daughters, and you need to be careful not to project and create a problem where there doesnt need to be one.

I have a DS and a DD so possibly less fraught, but they are very different -one is clearly much more academically capable and task focused whilst the other is much more socially capable and curious.

It can be hard because they are close in age so comparisons are easy for people to make, but I praise them both for their efforts, recognise their strengths and also try to encourage them to learn from and help one another.

As an aside, I never praise either of my children for their looks (beyond being clean and presentable) because I dont want them to grow up thinking it's important. There's no point in dwelling on things you cant change)

Try to get past your own experience.

Try to see your girls as completely new people growing up in a home where they will both have a chance to be loved and appreciated.

Have confidence in their potential to be happy.

The only way that a child becomes known as 'the pretty one' is if their parents reinforce it.
THIS^^

Please just try not to worry or think about this anymore.

Looks do matter. Everyone knows life is just generally easier when you are beautiful/stunning.
There was an Interesting thread about it recently.
I am not ugly, but not attractive, but I scrub up well. I'm an OK person, I quite like myself, life is good.
You don't realise all this when you are a teenager, but it dawns on us all later in life that these things can't be changed, so why worry about it.

I was supposed to going drinking with my friend on Friday. She is probably the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. she is intelligent and lovely, nothing not to like. she cancelled. Her husband cheated on her. They are getting divorced. reminds us all that you may not be pretty, but I'd bet she'd swap for my boring comfy marriage right now!!
Even the most beautiful people still face issues.

Sorry. Only just seen that they are just starting school. Oh purlease. Beautiful 5 year olds do not necessarily remain/turn into beautiful women. Ugly ducklings become stunners. Most supermodels did not stand out at primary.
You are worrying over nothing and projecting all your issues op. Please try and control this- don't do this to your girls.

I have one d markedly more attractive than the others
The others are developing into themselves now and the stunner has a unfortunate giant set of gnashers she is trying to accommodate
Stop worrying, everything is pretty

I have friends who are sisters. One of them was the pretty one and the other the chubby one. Now the chubby one is a striking elegant yet relaxed woman with a real natural presence. They are both good friends with each and are often doing things with each other

Nowt you can do about this. We are all different. Stop worrying.

Yep if they just 4 you really have no idea how they will turn out. None at all. Stop worrying and enjoy them.

livin

Very interesting you typed Cheryl?? She's stunning and has been generally treated badly by husbands.

Looks don't buy happiness or love.