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Original poster

Gran to mind special needs baby while parents go on bender at festival

182 replies

purplemonkeywashesdishes · 05/09/2016 14:59

Title says it all.

Baby with special needs to be left with recently widowed granny while parents go to a three day festival as they need a break.

Does anyone else see this as entitled behaviour or am I just a complete bitch to think this is taking advantage?

Some background:
Parents are in their mid-40s and will be taking drugs at said festival
Food will not be supplied to granny, despite the fact that the baby is only 7 months and is in the process of being weaned (yet won't always take bottles and eats very little)
Baby wakes multiple times throughout the night
Granny will have to drive 50 miles to collect baby
Baby makes strange, is very unsettled
Granny is recently widowed and has no support

...but apparently they need a break...they have had a hard few months but how is going to a festival and going on a bender a break?

OP posts:
madein1995 · 05/09/2016 17:48

You'd be well within your rights to say no because of drugs. They're parents now, and shouldn't do things which could ruin their lives - for possession, although unlikely, they could go to prison. even a caution would make employment hard, how would their current employers react of they got a record? Drugs are illegal and have consequences and they need to consider them, it's not all about them anymore. To go and have fun yeah find, drugs? No way would I enable them. They need to think of the big picture, parents doing illegal drugs is stupid I think because they could lose everything. I would say no op purely based on the drugs. or if you're that sure of the source, become 'ill' the day before. No comebacks for you and you might even stop them going and getting high as kites because of lack of childcare, win all round I'd say and in their best interests. Before that though, have a chat about the drugs. How they react will probably either confirm or rubbish what you've heard

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2016 17:49

Ok with you now :)

raspberrysuicide · 05/09/2016 17:51

I should think they need a break!

MaddyHatter · 05/09/2016 17:54

as a special needs mum, i think they are taking the piss.

the 3 days wouldn't bother me, DH & I leave my autistic son with my mom once a year to get a weekend away for our anniversary.

BUT

we ask first every time.
we take him to her
we supply food and all equipment/medication required.
we aren't doing drugs (just a nice holiday cottage and a bottle of wine)

and, i'm always helping my mum out with stuff, so its her way of saying thank you!

Penfold007 · 05/09/2016 17:55

Its not unreasonable for any parents to want a break but nor is unreasonable for someone (you) to say no. If you are prepared to and feel able to look after your GS then tell them they need to provide all the food, nappies etc.
If you simply don't feel able to offer babysitting simply tell them.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Cathaka15 · 05/09/2016 17:59

Restpite. Stupid phone.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 05/09/2016 18:00

I would love someone to babysit my DC so I could go to a festival.

If you aren't comfortable looking after the baby then say no, don't be forced in to it. However regardless of the drugs and special needs, parents are entitled to a break once in a while.

witsender · 05/09/2016 18:05

Jeez Louise, you sound like you don't like them at all! This is your child! All this talk of entitle is just hideous. If you are that het up about the drugs (they're not my bag, but each to their own) then you can speak up.
"Look, I'm worried. I've heard about XYZ and I'm uncomfortable with it. I'd rather not babysit under those circumstances."

But all the other stuff about feeling overwhelmed, having to feed your own grandchild etc (?!) you knew before the drugs. Don't martyr yourself, if you don't want to do it say so...don't say yes and then hold it against them.

Izzabellasasperella · 05/09/2016 18:06

If you have already said yes please don't say no now. I would think that the parents will be so excited about 3 days at a festival. Could be Bestival which is this weekend and is an amazing festival.

JacquettaWoodville · 05/09/2016 18:20

I'm sorry for your loss.

I guess the festival tickets were booked before your recent bereavement. If you don't feel up to the babysitting at present, then do say so.

If it would help you to have baby dropped off at your house with all food, or to go to her with a stocked cupboard, then say so.

Can you talk to your child about drugs? It should be from the ".its the first time I've had her so long, I need to know one or both of you would come back to take over if it was too much"

Sleepybeanbump · 05/09/2016 18:47

I think you'd be totally reasonable to say no on the drugs point. They're illegal, irresponsible, damaging both personally and socially (and yes, I have known lots of people very closely who have taken drugs regularly). They especially have no place in the lives of people with babies (and yes, I have a baby).

Other than that it's all about the detail isn't it? Yes the parents sound like they could definitely do with a break, but you feel like it's too much for you (understandable) and there's history of them taking advantage.

Say no next time, or arrive at a compromise you feel comfortable with. Don't feel bad. You need to look after yourself.

mouldycheesefan · 05/09/2016 18:56

Grant agreed to something now changed mind.

ApocalypseNowt · 05/09/2016 19:30

To be fair we don't know that the parents will be doing drugs. Maybe they used to? Maybe their great aunt (hope that's right) has got the wrong end of the stick? Maybe she's someone who thinks everyone at festivals is off their heads?

I think you either need to decide you can do it and are up to it. Or you aren't. The drugs is a bit of a red herring imho.

Rachcakes · 05/09/2016 19:33

Tell them you are worried about the drugs - about the risk to their health or getting done for possession.
And if you think you'll worry yourself sick while they are away, tell them you can't babysit under those circumstances.

nilbyname · 05/09/2016 19:34

You either do it with a good grace or you say no.

Simples.

The drug taking is neither here no there I feel.

JacquettaWoodville · 05/09/2016 19:39

Which is why my suggestion of "please make sure one of you could come back in an emergency" is good. Puts the focus on what the child and babysitter need, covers drinking, drugs, deciding to jump on a plane to Italy at the last minute instead etc. Then doesn't matter if auntie is wrong re drugs as parents will say "yes, that's fine"

Piscivorus · 05/09/2016 19:47

Why can't you just ask them if this is true? Tell them it worries you; you worry for their safety, what would happen in an emergency, etc and make your decision based on what they tell you

FetchezLaVache · 05/09/2016 19:49

Come on, did your grown-up child honestly say to an aunt or uncle "yeah, really looking forward to the festival! We're going to take a shit-load of Es and charlie and spend three days utterly off our faces"?

TheBouquets · 05/09/2016 21:28

I am looking at this a different way.
Maybe the parents of the SN baby exerted a bit of emotional pressure on the Gran, The parents could be so desperate to get to this festival that they used pressure or emotional blackmail to get the Gran to babysit.
Maybe the worry about drugs is more than the obvious. I do not hold with drugs at all. I have heard from persons who have attended festivals that the drug situation is well over the top. It could be that the parents were drug takers before the baby was born and that they cleaned themselves up to keep the baby and a trip to a drug environment could start the parents off on a sink into drug taking on a daily basis.
The Gran will be feeling very unsure of herself and her capabilities after the horror that is losing her husband. Everything will be feeling too much for the Gran, even making a cup of tea can be more than she can do at times.
I know that drug takers can be very persuasive and are not at all above using the baby as emotional blackmail. The Gran is weak after her loss and could easily be persuaded.
I cant see that folks aged mid 40s who are stressed with looking after an SN baby should go to a festival, a spa hotel, a country retreat or a good hotel with good food and everything done for them would be more useful than camping in a field getting off their faces.
Maybe I am to prissy too! Don't care I prefer prissy to doped.
To the gran -sorry for your loss

ohdearme1958 · 05/09/2016 21:39

I am looking at this a different way.
Maybe the parents of the SN baby exerted a bit of emotional pressure on the Gran, The parents could be so desperate to get to this festival that they used pressure or emotional blackmail to

I think it's more likely the thread is a carefully made up figment of someone's vivid imagination.

TheBouquets · 05/09/2016 21:55

Ohdearme1958 - really, I took it for real. Some bits seem likelier than others but still I thought it was real.

I have never been to a festival but heard from those who have.
I must be gullable

Atenco · 05/09/2016 23:06

Just say no. No matter how much they might need respite and regardless of how they are spending their weekend, if you don't feel up to it, just say no.

user1472419718 · 05/09/2016 23:14

OP, it's your choice, you can say no.

However...
Caring for a baby with SN must be very hard work, they may well need a break.
If you are bereaved, surely your child is also bereaved, another reason they may need a break if they are going through a difficult time.
Looking after a grandchild could be comforting if you are lonely.

The only thing that actually bothers me is the drugs. That would be an absolute no-no for me.

JacquettaWoodville · 05/09/2016 23:15

Oh, is this the way they say the future's meant to feel?
Two knackered 40-somethings standing in a field.
Gran don't know exactly where the apple purée is.
But that's ok, cos they're both sorted out for Es and wizz....

YellowCrocus · 06/09/2016 07:20

I think the context is very important here. Lots of high functioning adults with very well cared for children and highly responsible jobs will go and take recreational drugs in a field once or twice a year, leaving their children with a suitable caretaker. If this is the case, you might not like it, but as responsible adults they are entitled to make this choice for themselves, and it's not really up to anyone else to state that a spa hotel would be a more suitable respite than a weekend of letting their hair down.

If they were, for example, needle using junkies, before having a baby, then your outrage is justified. Consider though that, while you are resenting them for putting you in this position, they are probably oblivious to the upset they have caused you as, as far as they are concerned, you said you were happy to do it.