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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gran to mind special needs baby while parents go on bender at festival

182 replies

purplemonkeywashesdishes · 05/09/2016 14:59

Title says it all.

Baby with special needs to be left with recently widowed granny while parents go to a three day festival as they need a break.

Does anyone else see this as entitled behaviour or am I just a complete bitch to think this is taking advantage?

Some background:
Parents are in their mid-40s and will be taking drugs at said festival
Food will not be supplied to granny, despite the fact that the baby is only 7 months and is in the process of being weaned (yet won't always take bottles and eats very little)
Baby wakes multiple times throughout the night
Granny will have to drive 50 miles to collect baby
Baby makes strange, is very unsettled
Granny is recently widowed and has no support

...but apparently they need a break...they have had a hard few months but how is going to a festival and going on a bender a break?

OP posts:
Original poster
purplemonkeywashesdishes · 05/09/2016 15:25

OP here. I'm the gran and only discovered about the drugs recently.

Looking at your responses I can see how I look awful but I suppose there's been more to the story than I've posted. I probably should stick up for myself more and there have been other times when I've feel they've gone just a bit too far with what they've asked of me.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
Alfieisnoisy · 05/09/2016 15:25

What a very odd OP.

Are you Gran. If so say you can no longer provide childcare.

If you are not Gran but an acquaintance then perhaps mind your own business.

If you are Mum and Gran has willingly agreed then no issue.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/09/2016 15:26

Am I the only one that thinks the title sounds like a DM headline

I thought that too Cocklodger, but if it was the DM, it would be:

WIDOWED GRAN to mind special needs baby while PARENTS go on DRUG FUELED BENDER at FESTIVAL Grin

Rhythmsticks · 05/09/2016 15:26

In answer to your op no, this is NOT entitled behaviour and YES you would be a complete bitch to presume this was taking advantage! Hth😂

Lorelei76 · 05/09/2016 15:26

OP, you need to say no to any future requests. That was asking far more than is reasonably acceptable to even ask, if you see what i mean.

My parents are in their late 70s, some of the stuff their friends' kids request in terms of babysitting is crazy. You have to say no.

Rrross1ges · 05/09/2016 15:27

Holy shit. Want some vinegar for that chip?

Alfieisnoisy · 05/09/2016 15:28

Cross posted with you,

Okay so you are Granny.

From what you posted in the OP it sounds like you don't feel over confident in your ability to cope with this baby's extra needs. Can you have time with this baby (with a parent present) to help prepare yourself?

PurpleDaisies · 05/09/2016 15:28

I don't get it. Why present your op like this without saying you're the gran? If you've signed up to babysit after being given false assurances, just say no.

MammouthTask · 05/09/2016 15:28

Hmmm... so does it mean that you can't leave a 7 months old baby with his gran because

  • he has some SN, even though we don't now what the SN are or if the gran knows/is able to deal with said needs (eg if a baby is tube fed, it's a different matter than one who has a limb missing iyswim)
  • no food has been given to the gran because ... well you know she is just completely unable to find suitable food for him
  • she is a widow because clearly being a widow means she isn't able to do anything at all anymore (as she will be 'destroyed' by the grief). No menmtion of the fact that looking after grand kid will remimd her of the good sides of life, that she will fel useful for someone (her onw child and his/her partner), that it will help cope with grief etc...
  • baby still wakes up at night (like most 7 months old btw!) so I assume that gran should never look afetr their gran child overnight until they are ... what 2 or 3 yo (If I go by my own dcs)
-And I forgot gran has 'no support' because to be able to look afetr a 7 months old baby for 3days you need lots and lots of support of course!

Serioulsy, yes the parents need a break and it's great that the gran is able to do that for them.
Unless you have an idea of how complex the needs of said baby are, there is no way to know whether what they are asking for is inappropriate or not.
The gran is totally free to say NO if she feels it's too much.

Very judgemental OP overall where the main issue seem to be that parents are leaving their child to go out, have fun and take 'drugs' (or so is the assumption of the OP).

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/09/2016 15:30

There is nothing wrong with saying no if you don't want to do it. However, there is nothing wrong with needing a break either. You have to be clear what the boundaries are. I was working full time when I was expecting my first and my mum made it clear she would not be doing any child minding, which was fine with me Smile

MammouthTask · 05/09/2016 15:31

xpost.

Sorry but can you no say 'NO I can't'.
Unless you tell people you don't think you will be able to cope, then they have no way of knowing.
Fwiw, both sets of grand mothers have looked after my dcs at that age, I didn't provide food as such (bar the milk) and dc2 was later on diagnosed with SN (ie they didn't know it at the time, I didn't either but actually they were dealing with a SN child).

Too few details to be able to make any judgement (whihc was the point of my revious post really)

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/09/2016 15:32

And yes you should have explained in your op what the issues are and tbh you're still not being very clear.

RatherBeRiding · 05/09/2016 15:33

Just because they ask, doesn't mean you have to agree?? If you feel it's too much, say so. They might sulk a bit but you are entitled to say you don't want to you know.

Soubriquet · 05/09/2016 15:33

So it's the drugs that's the main problem?

I'm guessing canabis and ecstasy?

Tbh I don't do drugs. Never have done and never will and I don't agree with then either

But I can't see the harm in letting two grown up adults letting their hair down for 3 days. I'm sure they would be sober picking up their baby

Or is there going to be a massive drip feed where one or both are recovering addicts?

Jizzomelette · 05/09/2016 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 05/09/2016 15:33

op okay. I think let them have this weekend then just be more assertive if they ask again. You clearly don't want to have the baby, that's your choice. You need to tell your family how you feel. Sorry for your loss. Flowers

MammouthTask · 05/09/2016 15:35

I don't think the fact you think they are going use drugs during these 3 days is here nor there btw.
You might be against the use of drugs (so am I) but it bears no relationship with wether they are unreasonnable to ask you to look after a baby with SN that wakes up at night.

fwiw I have a good friend who has a child with SN. Her way of coping is to regular go out in a nighclub and dance all night. Then she can cope with her severly autistic child and working full time etc...

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/09/2016 15:35

purple it is fine to say no then. My parents have on occasion turned down childcare requests which is their prerogative.

Arfarfanarf · 05/09/2016 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatIsNachoCheese · 05/09/2016 15:38

Say no then. Personally if it was me, I would want to help as much as I could to help them. Imagine having to do that all the time. You'd probably need a break alone together too.

corythatwas · 05/09/2016 15:38

OP, you have an absolute right to explain that anything requested of you is not convenient and that you will not be able to do it. Nobody could blame you for that.

What you do not have the right to do, imho, is to meekly say nothing and then sneer behind their back at the thought that the parents of a child with SN might need a break.

Spaghettidog · 05/09/2016 15:39

So why did you post in such a way that it sounded like you were a resentful sibling of one of the parents' of the baby, jibing about other undeserving people getting waay more help from grandparents in order to go on benders at festivals???

If you are not happy with this request, then say no, for heaven's sake! You don't have to say yes to any requests for babysitting, especially if you're worried about being able to cope with a baby with additional needs who may not be that familiar with you!

PerspicaciaTick · 05/09/2016 15:41

OP - you've had a tough ride, but you did post in a weird way and in AIBU so you were never going to get anything except the response you got.
However, if you feel you can't or don't want to look after your DGC in these circumstances then do, please, say no. Do as much as you feel comfortable with and concentrate on building a happy and trusting relationship with your DGC rather than one based on stress and resentment.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 05/09/2016 15:42

If you don't want to or can't do it then say no. It doesn't matter if it's your grandchild just say "sorry I am not able to do that right now"

YelloDraw · 05/09/2016 15:43

OP get a back bone, if you don't want to mind the baby just bloody say so!

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