Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gran to mind special needs baby while parents go on bender at festival

182 replies

purplemonkeywashesdishes · 05/09/2016 14:59

Title says it all.

Baby with special needs to be left with recently widowed granny while parents go to a three day festival as they need a break.

Does anyone else see this as entitled behaviour or am I just a complete bitch to think this is taking advantage?

Some background:
Parents are in their mid-40s and will be taking drugs at said festival
Food will not be supplied to granny, despite the fact that the baby is only 7 months and is in the process of being weaned (yet won't always take bottles and eats very little)
Baby wakes multiple times throughout the night
Granny will have to drive 50 miles to collect baby
Baby makes strange, is very unsettled
Granny is recently widowed and has no support

...but apparently they need a break...they have had a hard few months but how is going to a festival and going on a bender a break?

OP posts:
butterfliesandzebras · 05/09/2016 15:44

I don't think its 'entitled' for an adult to ask a parent to give them and there partner a break, especially with a sn child. If you can't or don't want to do it, just say it's too much for you to handle.

LetitiaCropleysCookbook · 05/09/2016 15:46

Were you quite happy to do this, op, before you found out about the drugs? What would you have wished the parents to do for their break? I'm afraid the very nature of them having a break is to let them do exactly what they want for 3 days, unfettered by the constraints of parenting.

If you felt that this was all going to be too much for you:

the baby is only 7 months and is in the process of being weaned (yet won't always take bottles and eats very little)
Baby wakes multiple times throughout the night
Granny will have to drive 50 miles to collect baby
Baby makes strange, is very unsettled
Granny is recently widowed and has no support

why did you agree? All of the above you must have known before saying yes. The only issues you would have been unaware of perhaps, are the lack of food supply for the baby (not an insurmountable problem) and the drugs.

I think you're furious about the drugs.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/09/2016 15:47

Not every parent of a child with SN has family willing or able to provide overnight care for even 1 night.

user1471734618 · 05/09/2016 15:47

meh. Well just say no then, Granny.
Stand in front of the mirror and practice moving your lips in the right directions.

RunningLulu · 05/09/2016 15:47

I don't see a problem with it. I've taken neices and nephews so their parents can go paint the town red- no difference really.

SaucyJack · 05/09/2016 15:51

If you were happy to do it before you knew the nature of their break, then I think you're being a tad prissy to back out now in all honesty. They're adults who can make their own decisions, and a couple of heavy nights over one weekend really won't matter in the grand scheme of things. I assume they don't jack up smack around the baby.

But if you don't think you can manage to care for the baby adequately, then that's that. It's fine for you to say no.

titchy · 05/09/2016 15:51

Right. So if they'd gone on a three-day theatre and museum weekend, tucked up in bed at 9.00 with Horlicks you'd be fine?

Which is what it sounds like...

Sorry for your loss Flowers

ApocalypseNowt · 05/09/2016 15:52

If you don't want to/don't feel you can do it then say so.

Is 3 nights too much? Why not offer to do two or even just one?

Sparkletastic · 05/09/2016 15:56

Are you really the gran or did you just want to see which way the reactions went?
If you are the former why did you agree to do this when you clearly resent what has been asked of you?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 05/09/2016 16:00

Sorry for your recent loss.

You are so so so fucking U to drip feed like this though. If you actually want help or advice, BE HONEST ffs.

user7755 · 05/09/2016 16:01

If you're not feeling up to it / if you object to the drug use (fair enough in my view), then you're within your rights to say no.

J0kersSmile · 05/09/2016 16:01

I used to leave my dc quite a bit to go out and get fucked up when I was younger.

I didn't supply food either.

However my grandparents used to ask to have my dc and I usually turned up Sunday for my roast that they cooked every Sunday with a bottle of gin/brandy or flowers and pudding. I didn't expect them to do the picking up either. They never felt taken for granted as far as I know and my nan who's now widowed loves having them around for company now they're older. She's really close to them.

If you want to have your grandchild just say I'll be happy to help but I'm not doing the running around. You will have to bring the baby to me and some baby food.

If you don't want to have your dgc just say instead of stewing on it.

Original poster
purplemonkeywashesdishes · 05/09/2016 16:08

I apologise for the DM-style post but I thought by presenting things objectively I might get more honest responses.

Yes I am angry about the drugs, I found out from someone else in my extended family. Apparently it's cocaine and ecstasy and a lot of it. What if something were to happen to them? Maybe I am prissy.

I'm working on saying no but it's not as easy as it sounds. I want to help them, but this I felt is too much.

OP posts:
Spaghettidog · 05/09/2016 16:12

I think the way you posted suggests a lot of suppressed anger at being taken for granted - you need to instigate some boundaries. If you don't want to do this, or don't feel you can do this, or both, then work on your assertiveness and say no.

SestraClone · 05/09/2016 16:14

So your AIBU is actually "Gran to mind baby while parents take copious drugs" then and not at all about giving the parents of a SN baby a break? Very different IMO!!

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2016 16:15

OP, as I said I'm hands on and I e had my GD whilst I know that her Parents are smoking weed, on a break to Amsterdam.

I'm still ill, as said and I've put my foot down over more than one break, before Chistmas. I've also said that I wouldn't pick my GD up from Nursery in the first two weeks (or drop her), consistency is needed imo.

My opinion doesn't matter, unless I'm being asked a favour, then it's upto me to set my own bounderies and conditions.

Which you are entitled to do. Just examine what your objections are and if you feel that they are still justified, then say "No".

strangespot · 05/09/2016 16:16

My DM would have done anything to have this time with her grand child, and it would have been the perfect anecdote to sitting and moping, what way to help grief than focus on the new life.

Also being parent to a SN child is/ can be a slog, why shouldnt they go out and enjoy themselves if they can adn the grandparent is happy?

I wonder op if your jealous, projecting or what here because I am struggling to see the crime..

strangespot · 05/09/2016 16:18

sorry just seen your the gran, well...what can anyone say?

You will have to say no....your not happy about it baby is too young...

SaucyJack · 05/09/2016 16:19

"Apparently it's cocaine and ecstasy and a lot of it. What if something were to happen to them? Maybe I am prissy."

It's highly unlikely anything would happen at their age. People who are still at it in their 40s tend to know what they're doing with drugs, and what their limits are.

I'm sure you don't want to think about them being experienced drug users, but they more than likely are.

That may or may not be a consolation to you :-)

MothersGrim · 05/09/2016 16:20

Say no. Maintain your relationship. Offer one night, pay for the festival tickets if they had already bought them.

I know you're having a hard life if youve been widowed but it might be the making of you to look after your grandchild for a while Flowers

ihatethecold · 05/09/2016 16:21

How do you know what drugs they are planning to take?
I can't believe that the parents told you that?
Is there someone else stirring the pot maybe?

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/09/2016 16:21

I'm not sure how the person in your extended family could possibly know what drugs they might or might not be taking; and even if they did know, why would they tell you unless doing so to intentionally cause trouble?

My parents babysit my DCs regularly. They couldn't give a shiny shit what DH and I get up to; we could dance naked on the stage at every festival going and they'd still just be chuffed to spend time with their Grandbabies. One of whom has special needs, too.

HateSummer · 05/09/2016 16:21

Is the mum breastfeeding?

I'm think regardless of sn's, parents leaving a baby to go on a drink and drugs holiday is really irresponsible. Your priorities should change when you're a parent. It's not like a holiday where you come back rested and recouperated. It's a brain and body frying holiday. What will happen when they come back down from that high once they've picked up the baby?

I don't think yabu op.

user1471734618 · 05/09/2016 16:23

I agree - who told you it was 'ecstacy and cocaine and a lot of it'?
Someone gossipping, I'll be bound.
Maybe someone else with a small child who would like a free babysitter?

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/09/2016 16:24

The drugs thing, you found out from someone else? What is this persons role in your life? Do they like your grandchild's parents? Talk to them, tell them your concerns. And what the other person in the family said.