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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish he would just go to work?

189 replies

vvviola · 02/09/2016 13:20

I'm off work this week to settle DC into school (DD2 starting school, and lots of short introductory days).

I've had the week booked off work for months.

The plan was: Monday, Tuesday - get all the last minute bits and pieces done, Wednesday, first short day at school, Thursday, while DC at school run around doing the few bits that we discovered we had forgotten, Friday, spend the few hours DD2 is at school having a little bit of time to myself.

I'm an introvert, we've had a busy few months, and I've just come out of a stressful work situation. I was really looking forward to the two hours on Wednesday and today to just sit somewhere quietly on my own and maybe read a book.

Last week, DH announces he's taking Wednesday off to help bring the DC to school. Fair enough, he wants to bring DD2 in on her first day. The rest of the day is spent discussing house renovation stuff, but I still had today.

Except last night he announces he's "working from home" today. And again, during those couple of hours free wants to take me out for coffee and discuss stuff. Now that DD is home he has taken over the living room with his laptop.

I have literally not been alone for more time than it takes me to go to the toilet since Friday afternoon.

He always does it. I took the day off on my birthday. (I had stuff that needed to be done/signed and I thought I could spend a bit of time pottering about the house). The night before he announces he wants to take me out for lunch so he's working from home.

I get it, it's lovely, he wants to spend time with me. But I never get time alone in the house, it's either him or the kids.

I've told him I need time on my own, but it just doesn't seem to sink in.

AIBU to wish he'd just let me have a day off work and go into work himself when he's meant to?!

(I'm now off to clean the kitchen cupboards because if I sit down somewhere DD2 will climb on me, and I'm all talked/touched out for now. At least if I'm cleaning something she might potter off and play. This was my last day off before Christmas )

OP posts:

PintofWineForMe · 02/09/2016 15:56

I can totally empathise with this. I need time on my own. It hardly ever happens and the only time I get by myself is five minutes in the morning when I'm driving to work.

In addition my DH is an early bird and I'm a night owl. I'm not a morning person and he's usually asleep by 9pm, usually on the bloody sofa. He then decides to go to bed at 10.30 and gets huffy when I want to stay up. Then in the morning when I want the peace that I gave him the night before he's slamming drawers, talking really loudly to the cat, doing really loud yawns, telly blasting out.

Then I get the snide comments about how grumpy I am in the morning and how he darent speak etc. I feel like I can't fucking breathe sometimes. He never goes out anywhere. The snide comments really piss me off as I'm really quiet when he's sleeping on the sofa as I do appreciate that we are on different body clocks.

Sometimes I just want to leave him so I can get some peace and quiet. If I'm reading or whatever and he wants attention he'll be extra noisy. I just want to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

princessmi12 · 02/09/2016 15:59

Another rant here from Pinto
Let it all out, posters!

Goingtobeawesome · 02/09/2016 16:01

Does he resent you having free time alone in the house?

PintofWineForMe · 02/09/2016 16:09

Princess - it's clear from your posts that you think that your need for constant attention somehow overrides your partner's need for a bit of peace. Funnily enough not everything is about you and what you want. The only attention seeking behaviour and ranting is coming from you. Have you ever considered that others may take a different point of view and that like minded people may want to discuss this without you popping up with your me me me posts?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/09/2016 16:10

I completely understand this.

I have been a SAHM since coming to Australia, which is 7 years now. DS1 has been in school for 3 1/2 years, but Ds2 was always around, until I got him into pre-school 1 day a week. So Wednesdays became my "haven" days - 5 precious hours of free time! Except DH also has the ability to work from home, should he choose to - and he kept choosing to on a Wednesday! And then wanting to go for coffee/lunch etc. - no, just no! I have plans - things to do - and they don't involve sitting around on DH's convenience.

Anyway.

I asked him nicely if he could please not work from home most Wednesdays, as I had other stuff to be doing - he's mostly taken the hint.

Lilacpink40 · 02/09/2016 16:12

OP I really feel for you. I think you need to make it clearer to him. Could he take your DCs out every Sat or Sun am while you sort house out and have peace?

Pinto I feel for you as that situation would drive me nuts. I'm an introverted night owl and both my DCs are too. So I've just realised I take peaceful moments for granted. I expect you've heard this before, but can you talk at a non-stressful time and agree rules on morning and evening noise?

When I have time off I'm happiest alone, but equally want to have a partner. I've just realised that the reason I may be backing away from a potential new boyfriend is that he works shiftwork hours so if we lived together he'd have long periods in the house possibly looking to constantly talk and I like quiet times.

TulipsInAJug · 02/09/2016 16:17

YANBU OP. I work from home every Monday and cherish it so much. I'd be very annoyed if DH also chose to work from home that day.

And by the way, introverts outnumber extroverts by a long way. There is a spectrum but most people need a certain amount of time on their on to recharge, even people who are otherwise loud, confident, sociable etc.

princessmi12 · 02/09/2016 16:21

Pinto
Without opposite point of view you will not be able to understand the other party and make informative decisions!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/09/2016 16:22

I am an introvert, so is one of the DC. DH and 2 DC are extroverts.

DH often takes the DC out for a half day or even full day somewhere at the weekend, while I recharge myself on solitude. Sometimes the introvert DS stays with me now he is old enough to self-manage, it is great because we read quietly, not chatting, not interfering with each other at all. It is lovely.

Why not ask your DH to do that?

I sometimes have "jobs" or "work" to do that means they have to be out (DH knows the truth).

Letmesleepalready · 02/09/2016 16:28

DH also tries to take both DCs out at the weekend to give me time. We are both introvert but as a sahm I have no breathing space during the week. Ever so often I'll repay the favour, but at the moment I need the time off more- once the youngest starts nursery (in 18 long months away) then I might be able to take the kids out to give him space.

ijustwannadance · 02/09/2016 16:40

To the outside world I come across as an extrovert.
At home I just want the world to shut the fuck up and go away.
I've been looking forward to next tuesday when I finally get a day to myself. Wonderful. Or so I thought. Now DP is working a late shift so will be home right up until I have to pick up DD.

Luckily my DP is similar though. If were both off, he will drop DD at school then go for a coffee and give me a lie in in peace.

PintofWineForMe · 02/09/2016 16:41

Unfortunately I understand my DH's point of view only too well. If he falls asleep every night at 9pm then that's ok and I should understand that he's tired. However he is incapable of understanding that I need quiet time too. In fact it's worse than that. He does understand but instead of respecting that he chooses to be noisy and then moans when I get fucked off with him slamming around and loudly talking to the cat when I'm trying to sleep.

Original poster

vvviola · 02/09/2016 16:48

Thanks everyone, by the way, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Princess did it occur to you that my rant was one-sided because, you know, it was me ranting? My DH is lovely. He really is. I love him and we fit together in almost every other way (friends have joked that we are lucky we found each other because we'd bore anyone else to tears ). I was just a bit exasperated today and wanted to let off some steam. And, because I love him, and appreciate that he actually just wants to spend time with me and hasn't quite got his head around this bit of my personality, I thought it was better for our relationship to have a bit of a rant here (and maybe get a few ideas on how to solve this issue without upsetting anyone).

We did actually have a week on/week off system for taking the DC to their Saturday activities, but it fell by the wayside when a few other things started happening that meant I did all of the activities and he had to do other things. We might be able to reinstate it again now, and that would help.

On the plus side of it all, I now have nicely organised kitchen cupboards

OP posts:

princessmi12 · 02/09/2016 16:50

oh so it's OK to be grumpy with him ,Pinto?
Few posters already here been justifying their unpleasant behaviour and blaming their partners for it because " the partner does not give me enough space/alone time" Common trait for introverts? Do any of you ever think how you look from outside and are you easy to live with?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/09/2016 16:54

SO much projection...

LisaMed1 · 02/09/2016 17:05

Princess - Why aren't people allowed time by themselves?

squoosh · 02/09/2016 17:08

Do any of you ever think how you look from outside and are you easy to live with?

At least they're not following people from room to room saying 'Talk to me, talk to me. Why won't you talk to me?'

Xmasbaby11 · 02/09/2016 17:17

You sound like my Dh. He is always disappointed when he thinks he's going to be home alone and then it changes.

I am an extrovert but I can understand his needs. He really needs alone time and us a lot happier when he gets it. Maybe you don't show that you're struggling? I hope you can be honest with your dp and help him understand it's not about him.

Arfarfanarf · 02/09/2016 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

princessmi12 · 02/09/2016 17:18

Squosh
That's little extreme following someone from room to room, but if an extravert thinks an intravert is being upset rather than being tired and wanting alone time, I'd understand why extravert want to know what the issue is.
Communication is the key here. Saying in plain words :"I just want to be alone for a while " is much better than huffing, being grumpy or other favourite tricks :)

squoosh · 02/09/2016 17:19

Oh I agree, speak plainly (but politely) and there's far less chance of upset all round!

bluebeck · 02/09/2016 17:25

YANBU.

I am very extrovert but I also love a bit of downtime at home.

XH used to do this, and I wanted to rip his head off. I remember once I just pretended to have a migraine so I could go to bed and be alone for a couple of hours, but it isn't the same as pottering around on your own.

I think you need to have a really frank discussion with him.

Soubriquet · 02/09/2016 17:40

vvv I think your husband has his own mn account. princess seems to be taking it all very personally

wombattoo · 02/09/2016 17:46

princess - where does the OP say that she is 'huffy and being grumpy'
I don't think being an introvert equals 'moody'

LisaMed1 · 02/09/2016 17:51

Princess - why can't someone have some alone time?

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