To wish he would just go to work?

[vvviola]

I'm off work this week to settle DC into school (DD2 starting school, and lots of short introductory days).

I've had the week booked off work for months.

The plan was: Monday, Tuesday - get all the last minute bits and pieces done, Wednesday, first short day at school, Thursday, while DC at school run around doing the few bits that we discovered we had forgotten, Friday, spend the few hours DD2 is at school having a little bit of time to myself.

I'm an introvert, we've had a busy few months, and I've just come out of a stressful work situation. I was really looking forward to the two hours on Wednesday and today to just sit somewhere quietly on my own and maybe read a book.

Last week, DH announces he's taking Wednesday off to help bring the DC to school. Fair enough, he wants to bring DD2 in on her first day. The rest of the day is spent discussing house renovation stuff, but I still had today.

Except last night he announces he's "working from home" today. And again, during those couple of hours free wants to take me out for coffee and discuss stuff. Now that DD is home he has taken over the living room with his laptop.

I have literally not been alone for more time than it takes me to go to the toilet since Friday afternoon.

He always does it. I took the day off on my birthday. (I had stuff that needed to be done/signed and I thought I could spend a bit of time pottering about the house). The night before he announces he wants to take me out for lunch so he's working from home.

I get it, it's lovely, he wants to spend time with me. But I never get time alone in the house, it's either him or the kids.

I've told him I need time on my own, but it just doesn't seem to sink in.

AIBU to wish he'd just let me have a day off work and go into work himself when he's meant to?!

(I'm now off to clean the kitchen cupboards because if I sit down somewhere DD2 will climb on me, and I'm all talked/touched out for now. At least if I'm cleaning something she might potter off and play. This was my last day off before Christmas )

I am more extrovert that DH even though he is much better at things like public speaking than me.

Introversion is nothing to do with how confident or shy you are, how easily or otherwise you make friends or any of the other common misunderstandings. It's about where you get your energy from. Extroverts get theirs from spending time with other people, introverts from having some time alone.

I'm quite loud in company and can be the life and soul of the party, I give presentations regularly at work and make friends comparatively easy but I need regular time alone to recharge emotionally/psychologically, or I end up feeling like I'm wearing my nerves on the outside of my skin and wanting to staple the next person to demand some of my time to the wall by their ears.

I'm with you OP. I have Fridays off. It's my one huge luxury. I drop DS off to school and use the time between then and picking him up to go to the gym, do household stuff, admin work and a bit of mumsnetting .

Well didn't he start working from home on Fridays. Generally was holed up in the office, but would have noisy teleconferences and have expectations of coffees and lunch being brought up. Then he complained because the carpet cleaner man I'd got in - who was an absolute bargain - was taking calls rather than working ( didn't matter was paid for the job not the time) and was too noisy.

Am rather relieved that his new boss doesn't like him home working, to the extent that he had to change his hours the other week rather than work from home so he could pick up DS.

princess, if the minority always had to adjust to the majority, then on this thread you'd have to adjust to us introverts :)

Fortunately everyone gets a say, and there is such thing as compromise, where everyone tries to be considerate to one another. If your husband is not being considerate to you and the children, that's because he's inconsiderate, not because he's an introvert.

Does sound as though you've married him without really understanding what you were getting into, though. I'd be horrified if my partner saw normal introverted behaviour as ungrateful and unloving.

Princess - you sound incredibly self-centred. My husband is an introvert and needs time alone. I don't always get it but he clearly needs it and over the years I've got better at backing off. It shouldn't be 'go with the majority' but everyone's needs being met (not just yours!) the fact that you view your partner needing time alone as a slight on you and all the effort you make just highlights how focused you are on yourself.

YANBU, I have the same thing. I usually work from home a couple of days a week as to give me a bit of time but recently DH has started turning up half way through the day so he can work at home too but actually just wants me to sit and chat. It's driving me mad. I know it's unreasonable to want the entire house to myself but I need it otherwise I get ratty and exhausted, not least because I end up staying up really late at night because it's the only time I can be alone! I'm going to have to speak to him about it to see if we can work out some sort of compromise. I love him to bits and I really do enjoy spending time with him but between him and the DC my time alone is constantly squeezed. Sorry OP no advice really, just empathy!

I actually think introverts are in minority and should adjust to majority and not the other way around.

Princess THIS is the very definition of selfishness. You think that if introverts are in the minority their needs don't matter and should not be met. It's not like it would be hard for the OP's needs to be met - she doesn't want everyone to tiptoe around her, just to go to work on a work day instead of working from home and robbing her of her alone day!

to go to work on a work day instead of working from home and robbing her of her alone day!
Just read back PP and see what language you use robbing someone [sceptical] because other party decided to do what they think is best for them too ,and in this case it is working from home on Friday. It's their prerogative as it's their house too.If OP wants alone time and she is unable to get it IN the house,it would be reasonable for her to compromise and search it elsewhere( park,library,coffee shop you name it) instead of moaning and being passive-aggressive due to frustration.
Maybe I'm wrong but wishing your DH being at work instead of being home just to suit HER needs is selfish and not opposite.

Funnily enough this is why most people find retirement so alarming and frustrating.

I love time on my own, and others I know who must have quiet time, play golf!

Let your DH know that you love him, but for your sanity you need him to go to work and leave you alone on your days off.

Have you tried meditation with headphones? It works wonders.

This is why I now live alone ... and don't have children.

I really feel for you OP but don't know what the solution is. When I lived with someone, I used to book random 'downtime' days off to decompress from say, a lively weekend or lots of socialisting/time with a partner. That's really hard when you've got kids unless someone else can have them for the day.

I think you really need to sit him down and explain the consequences of him not allowing you 'alone' time (mental health issues, fatigue, being irritable with family etc.)

It's really hard for extraverts to understand the introvert's need to be alone though as for them, it's draining and depressing.

When I last lived with someone, I used to finish work and then go and sit in a graveyard for an hour before going home, just to build in some alone time so I didn't kill dp when I got home

If I ever got up stupidly early (6 am) to have 'alone' time, he'd get up too and follow me downstairs like a dog at my heel. So frustrating.

Your only option may be a shed with a lock at the bottom of the garden!

I need regular time alone to recharge emotionally/psychologically, or I end up feeling like I'm wearing my nerves on the outside of my skin and wanting to staple the next person to demand some of my time to the wall by their ears.
This is so accurate!!!!
Princess I feel like you're not really getting it and nor are you making any sort of effort to get it. If your DH is really asking everyone to tiptoe round him at the expense of their own comfort all of the time then it's because he's an arse not because he's an introvert. OP is asking for half a day out of the entire year, that's hardly selfish!

PageStillNotFound, you have described me to a tee (including the wanting to staple someone to the wall by the ears!)

To go back to some of the comments, I honestly don't think he's controlling, or has trust issues. I think he's just a bit uncomprehending - and while he gets that I need time away from other people, I'm not sure he quite comprehends that he is included in that "other people".

When he used to properly work from home, it was fine, he'd disappear at 9, emerge briefly at 11 for a cup of coffee, and then go again until lunch. But with this new job "work from home" is more along the lines of him having worked extra hours during the week, so only needs to do a few things and be on the end of the phone if needed. So he usually hangs about in the living room, or follows me about commenting on jobs that need doing or asking where stuff goes.

I think I will have to have another chat with him about "alone time in the house" and giving me a bit of space.

it doesn't help that one of the DC is an extrovert too, and the one who isn't, still seems to view me as an extension of herself, so her alone time/recharging time usually involves lying on me

I actually think introverts are in minority and should adjust to majority and not the other way around.

I actually think you sound awful and totally exhausting. I'm glad I'm not married to you!

OP, I'm 100% with you. I'm a massive introvert but I'm lucky because so is my DH. It's not uncommon to find us in different rooms, watching TV/reading/pottering about and not talking for a few hours. It helps that he works Saturdays while I'm off and he gets a midweek day off to himself. I couldn't bear someone who was under my feet and wanting to chat all the time! In fact, I sometimes fantasise about moving into the flat across the hall

I had been managing to get some "alone" time by going in to work early and sitting over my coffee in a coffee shop for an hour some days.

I am about to lose that priviledge, as our minder finished this morning, so DH and I will share getting DD to school. On my days, that means getting to work at 9.15ish, and having to leave by 5.30, so 45 minutes shorter than my contracted hours. And on DH's days, I will have to use that extra time in the mornings to catch up on what I have missed on my days, as I will still have to be home on time in the evenings for DD.

I haven't had a day off on my own in the house in over a year, and that was a rare one after we lost the last au pair (we'd had them for 4 years!! So no time alone in the house, ever, while they were around as you never were sure when they'd arrive in or just appear from a long nap). All my annual leave last year was used for family stuff, not 1 day for just me. And I am rapidly going that way again this year - I had 1 day while DD was in sailing club but I had to get her up and out, and there were piles and piles of jobs backed up that needed doing by me in the few hours on my own.

Sometimes, most people just need a little bit of space to recharge themselves - whether that's a long walk alone, the MN solution to everything of a spa day, or just a few hours pottering around your own home in peace and quiet at your own pace and with your own cup in your hand and not answering everyone else's questions or finding their things or dealing with their problems - just being YOU!

Arfarfanarf
I actually DO give a lot of alone time to my DP and mostly appear to be understanding about it(and most of the time I actually am ) ,it's just I find OP's post negative and the frustration she voices is one-sided and looks like OP's husband is inconsiderate ,selfish but I'm sure he means well and at worst didn't THINK him staying home would be unwelcome and create issue/frustration.
It is really hard to estimate how much time alone and how often introvert does need,isnt it all individual? Iv heard from my DP" oh I just need couple of hours", " I just need little time alone" when in reality it is not couple of hours but much longer .
PP is talking about aggressive behaviour towards loved ones, if not getting alone time ,I find that disturbing! But that's the issue I feel introverts can be very passive-aggressive and it bothers me to think my DP can be (or ever get to the point) so frustrated with me as OP or others describing here their experiences!

As an introvert, I think it's such an alien need for an extrovert to understand. And so no matter how the introvert asks the extrovert for time and space, the extrovert might not understand that they really mean it, if you see what I mean?

Have you tried having a proper huff? My DH is like you and I'm probably a bit like you're DH. DH just eventually got quite grumpy about it. I think he may have stomped. He definitely sighed and whined a bit.

He's not a huffy person by nature so I was mostly quite amused, but I did eventually get the point that he really does need to be by himself sometimes!

oh the huffing ,being grumpy and sorts ...Just shows how wonderful introverts are ALL the time(sarcastic) .At least extraverts are consistent in their behaviour and approach,and not wonderful when full of energy and grumpy when tired. Reminds me of children that can't control their emotions!

princess I think you need to talk to your husband...............

Reminds me of children that can't control their emotions!

Says the person having the rant.

I need alone time to recharge. DH is retired, and very... interactive. Sometimes he just prattles on and on - but doesn't hear me, because he's deaf!
We're in the middle of a big bit of emergency organising and plate-spinning atm, which I am having to be involved in a lot. He talked at me about it lots last evening, even started talking about it at 1am, then resumed when we woke. He took a look at me a while ago, and saw the strain. He has now gone out for about an hour to do a totally non-urgent task, so I get some me time. he doesn't really understand, but he sees the steam coming out of my ears, and backs off.
OP, I hope you are able to really explain how you feel, and get him to take it in, even tho he won't understand.

I have no solution but you have my sympathy, OP. Whilst reading your thread. I realised this is something annoying my DH does NOT do. in fact we both enjoy time alone in the same house. Our DC are older though, it was a big problem getting time alone at home when they were younger. I suppose keep explaining to him - though I can see how that might add to the frustration.

Ye forgive me for my rant here, relevant to discussion