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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish he would just go to work?

189 replies

vvviola · 02/09/2016 13:20

I'm off work this week to settle DC into school (DD2 starting school, and lots of short introductory days).

I've had the week booked off work for months.

The plan was: Monday, Tuesday - get all the last minute bits and pieces done, Wednesday, first short day at school, Thursday, while DC at school run around doing the few bits that we discovered we had forgotten, Friday, spend the few hours DD2 is at school having a little bit of time to myself.

I'm an introvert, we've had a busy few months, and I've just come out of a stressful work situation. I was really looking forward to the two hours on Wednesday and today to just sit somewhere quietly on my own and maybe read a book.

Last week, DH announces he's taking Wednesday off to help bring the DC to school. Fair enough, he wants to bring DD2 in on her first day. The rest of the day is spent discussing house renovation stuff, but I still had today.

Except last night he announces he's "working from home" today. And again, during those couple of hours free wants to take me out for coffee and discuss stuff. Now that DD is home he has taken over the living room with his laptop.

I have literally not been alone for more time than it takes me to go to the toilet since Friday afternoon.

He always does it. I took the day off on my birthday. (I had stuff that needed to be done/signed and I thought I could spend a bit of time pottering about the house). The night before he announces he wants to take me out for lunch so he's working from home.

I get it, it's lovely, he wants to spend time with me. But I never get time alone in the house, it's either him or the kids.

I've told him I need time on my own, but it just doesn't seem to sink in.

AIBU to wish he'd just let me have a day off work and go into work himself when he's meant to?!

(I'm now off to clean the kitchen cupboards because if I sit down somewhere DD2 will climb on me, and I'm all talked/touched out for now. At least if I'm cleaning something she might potter off and play. This was my last day off before Christmas )

OP posts:

bloodyteenagers · 02/09/2016 14:03

I used to book time off and not tell anyone. I get a lot of time off in lieu, but has to be taken same month. Which worked great when I was with ex as he did shifts. So I found out his shifts for the following week and booked some time off.

Arfarfanarf · 02/09/2016 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnderseaPineapple · 02/09/2016 14:06

The issue is it's not JUST HER own house ,what others supposed to do?

Not deliberately plan their own days off just to control what the OP does with their own time.

You sound so fucking selfish, clingy and needy. I bet your household set-up is all "Mememememe! Did you not hear me? MEMEMEMEMEMEME!"

lazyarse123 · 02/09/2016 14:07

My husband has been retired on health grounds for 5 years and I work full time. I never get 5 minutes at home on my own. I sometimes go for a drive and sit in a park on my own to to get some me time. He doesn't understand he thinks I don't want to be with him (I do just not all the time). I think women need some time on their especially mums as they seem to be constantly in demand.

pauldacreshairlessnutsack · 02/09/2016 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnaMarlowe · 02/09/2016 14:10

Can you ask him to take the kids to the cinema/swimming/visit his Mum/park over the weekend so you can get some quiet time?

scallopsrgreat · 02/09/2016 14:10

I feel your pain too and I'm an extrovert. I am rarely in the house by myself. My partner is a SAHP but the kids are at school so gets time alone to potter and do his things with stuff (he's very good at that). I get no time to do that by myself.

If I work from home he keeps coming and sitting in the dining room opposite me on his laptop. Not necessarily interacting with me. Just. Being. There. Fuck Off and give me some space. The reason I'm working from home is to be alone and not distracted.

The rest of the time I am a totally rational welcoming person to my family and friends and infinitely more extrovert than him.

I haven't broached the subject with him however, unlike you. I prefer to passive aggressively rant on MN. I find it works for me .

2kids2dogsnosense · 02/09/2016 14:12

YANBU! Hy DH does this - if I let him know I'm going to be in the house for some reason - there he is too I don't know if he likes spending time with me, or is worried that I am entertaining the milkman or what, but I JUST WANT TO BE ON MY OWN, FFS!!!!!

I like being alone, and can accomplish so much that I can't if he is under my feet - he's lovely, but sometimes just want to beat him to death with a shovel!

BarbarianMum · 02/09/2016 14:12

When my dh works from home he holes himself up in the spare room to, you know, actually work. I'm lucky if I see him for 20 min for lunch.

Are you saying that you can't relax if he's anywhere in the house, or that actually he doesn't work and just hangs around you?

DrDreReturns · 02/09/2016 14:14

I never get any time to myself. I'm either at work or doing something with DW and the kids. In the school hols I might have half an hour in the morning before I go to work when everyone else is in bed! It sucks, you have my sympathy! You need to tell him firmly you want a day to yourself. There's nothing wrong with that imo.

heron98 · 02/09/2016 14:15

YANBU.

I love my DP to bits but I also enjoy it (secretly) when he works away as I get the whole house to myself (we don't have kids). I really enjoy just closing the door behind me and having peace and quiet.

princessmi12 · 02/09/2016 14:15

You sound so fucking selfish, clingy and needy. I bet your household set-up is all "Mememememe! Did you not hear me? MEMEMEMEMEMEME!"
Haha so far from the truth,I actually think introverts are in minority and should adjust to majority and not the other way around. Out of 4 of us he's the only introvert and we all have to tiptoe around him (i.e. make sure he has his needs met ) so who's being selfish out of 4? Majority of 3 that actually manage just fine coexisting together without the need to be alone and making an issue out of it?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/09/2016 14:17

I can totally see where you're coming from. I work from home - when I am home - and when my husband clatters in early at 2.30pm I could literally punch his nose. He's lovely and kind and makes tea but I just want to be alone...

I think there's a little Greta Garbo inside most if not all of us...

RunningLulu · 02/09/2016 14:18

My husband does the same. Sometimes he'll even cut meetings short to spend 'quality time' together, when all I want to do is be alone.

Rowgtfc72 · 02/09/2016 14:22

I have one of these husbands too. Classic introvert, extrovert situation. I'm the introvert and he's beginning to see where I'm coming from finally!

2kids2dogsnosense · 02/09/2016 14:23

princess_ - you've said it! "the need* to be alone"

It is a NEED, not just a "oh it would be nice if . . . . "

Introvert sget their energy from solitude; extraverts get their energy from other people.

Us anti-social selfish bastards NEED that 'alone" time - we don't just fancy it! Is it wearing in the extreme to never get time by oneself - we just end up like wet rags (homicidal wet rags . . . ).

Arfarfanarf · 02/09/2016 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkissimoAndPearls · 02/09/2016 14:26

I seriously could not live with someone who wasn't introverted. DH and I dream of living in a cave on the side of a mountain somewhere when the DC leave home

The only thing I would say is that I think it's really important for people who need "alone time" get it - mothers especially fall down the list of priorities of needs in households. Agree a long long bath is good, or getting up an hour before everyone else if possible.

The other thing (so two things!) is that especially with young DC, if you can get time to be two adults in a relationship alone, it's also beneficial.

On the rare occasion DH and I have time alone, we go for a coffee then come home, I go lie in bed and read and he sits downstairs watching programmes about babies cars Perfect

Maybe, op use this coffee time to discuss how everyone including you gets equal disposable free time - this, with equal disposable money, is so important in relationships. It's how you achieve that needs working on. Good luck

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 02/09/2016 14:26

I would be sorely tempted to call in sick one day and just have a day on your own. Look at it as saving your sanity if you must. When I was married and working out of the house full time and the kids were small so a/l was all accounted for and none to spare, I did this once, because I worked out that I hadn't had a minute to myself, bar driving to and from work (either stressing about being late to work, or late for nursery pick up), for about 4 months. It was really getting me down.sometimes you need some space!!

PeppaIsMyHero · 02/09/2016 14:26

Totally with you on this.

I sometimes end up shutting myself in the bedroom to get away from people for a few minutes, just because I can't bear it anymore. I LOVE being at home alone, but it's so rare...

squoosh · 02/09/2016 14:27

I actually think introverts are in minority and should adjust to majority and not the other way around

I think it's possible for everyone's needs to be met in a family.

You say you feel 'he's ungrateful unloving person and doesn't deserve all the effort I make'. Being introverted and wanting some time to yourself doesn't make someone ungrateful and unloving. Of course it's possible that in your husband's case he wants everything his own way all the time and of course that's not okay!

squoosh · 02/09/2016 14:30

OP in your case you should just take a day off and not give DH any notice.

scallopsrgreat · 02/09/2016 14:30

Maybe I'm more introverted than I thought because a lot of these posts resonate with me.

But bollocks to getting up an hour before anyone else . It will be a loooong wait for that to happen.

SanityAssassin · 02/09/2016 14:31

Not sure its an extrovert/introvert thing exactly

I am more extrovert that DH even though he is much better at things like public speaking than me.

I do the socialising but I need/crave me only solitary time - I've always loved my own company and rarely feel lonely or need to ask DH to be home. In fact I need to bully him to go out so I can get my me time!

princessmi12 · 02/09/2016 14:35

DH and I dream of living in a cave on the side of a mountain somewhere when the DC leave home grin
Oh god, my DP's dream is very similar

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