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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to celebrate puberty!

199 replies

Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2016 01:59

My children's, not mine!

For girls it would be the start of their periods; for boys, voice breaking?

I don't mean without their consent, e.g. telling people they've started their periods or their voice has broken! I mean finding out ways to celebrate these miles stones.

Any ideas?

I would like my daughter to feel proud her periods once they have started and not sad or that it is 'unmentionable'.

Interested to hear any people experiences.

Thanks.

OP posts:

user1471552005 · 02/09/2016 06:11

Your body is in shock and you're emotional.

Really? My DD took it in her stride, Barely a thought about it. You sound as if all women are faint with hysterical vapours.

My kids would have hated a puberty celebration. Some things are private.
I gave my DD a hug and that was it.
I'm not sure there is a defining moment for either sex, menstruation is part of many body changes, and for boys there is usually not a set day when the voice breaks, for many it is a gradual lowering of the tone, sometimes over a year or two. So not sure whan you would time your voice breaking party.

I cringe at the thought of a puberty party- who would you invite for a start?

claraschu · 02/09/2016 06:23

Motherfuckers I do think British people are comparatively embarrassed about sex and things relating to sex (in general, obviously there are exceptions). British people also find a lot of bodily functions funny or hard to deal with- think of all the threads about what to call your child's vulva, how funny farting is, how embarrassing it is when your child mentions sex.

I am not saying anyone should have a period party; I was just telling the OP that things are different in other places, as she had only negative comments: "...worst nightmare...freaked out...would have hated this...nauseatingly cringy...etc"

I would have hated a period party as a child, but with hindsight I can see that this is because I was brought up in a culture (not the UK) which sees women's bodily functions and sex as unmentionable and embarrassing. I don't think there is nothing inherently horrible about celebrating this big change in our children's lives.

tangerino · 02/09/2016 06:27

My best friend at uni had a beautiful bangle which her mother had given her when she started her periods, with the date engraved inside (obv to most people it just looked like a bangle). I think that's a nice way to mark it, if you want to- something between the two of you rather than public and embarrassing, which she can wear if she wants and tell people about if she wants, or not.

mum23kidz · 02/09/2016 06:27

Its a port of growing up. I tend to be fairly low key about that stuff. They need support, not to be embarassed by it.

DeadGood · 02/09/2016 06:32

"Puberty is an extremely private process"

Er, in this culture maybe. That doesn't make it a universal truth.

I like Violet's idea of a gift.

"No I wouldn't have a party. I may do something with Dd privately"

I don't think the OP said anything about a party.

Wrcgirl · 02/09/2016 06:37

My dad did this, I was humiliated and terrified of the changes going on. Hormonal and wanted to hide.

Don't do it unless you can trust your daughter to answer honestly if they want something like that. I felt pressured into it and hated it.

thisisafakename · 02/09/2016 06:38

MakemineaGandT I think the book you are thinking of is Back Home by Michelle Magorian. I read it when I was younger and loved it!

Brokenbiscuit · 02/09/2016 06:46

I sort of get where the OP is coming from, though I don't like the idea of a party.

I remember starting my periods and feeling like it was the end of the world. My mum was embarrassed and I was absolutely mortified.

I don't want my dd to feel like that, but equally, it's a private thing and I don't think she'll want a lot of fuss.

I'm therefore planning to make up a small basket with a few different types of sanitary protection so that she has something to choose from, some nice bubble bath, some chocolate and maybe a couple of other little gifts. I just want there to be a nice little surprise for her, as well as the not so nice surprise of starting her periods. (And before anybody asks why she'll be surprised, she does of course know about periods, and has done since she was tiny, but I think the actual start of them is always a bit unexpected when it happens!)

Other than that, maybe I'll take her out to lunch or to the cinema or something, just the two of us. Depends what she wants to do, really.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 02/09/2016 06:50

I would have hated it too, there was absoutely nothing to celebrate about my early experience of periods (flooding, cramps, terrified of PE lessons, just awful). I was talking about this with a friend, we both have 10yo DDs, she also has a 14 year old. In her older DD's primary school class there was a mother who thought it would be nice for all the girls to celebrate as each reached this milestone, it had gone down like a lead balloon, imagine if you were a really late developer how you would feel.

My DD does not want to talk about the prospect of hers starting, let alone celebrate it even though I have been very careful indeed never to say anything negative about them. Do something privately maybe but not a party.

Myusernameismyusername · 02/09/2016 06:52

Please just listen to what the child wants.

We talk and laugh about it regularly. It's an open subject but then I started with it when they were very little, and from the first where do babies come from question.

I think you may have worded this in a way that is putting people off. Celebrate isn't really a good word here.

Just be normal. Open. Warm. Approachable. Mine come to me with all kinds of period related questions and complaints. I think that's just the relationship we have and like I say, I started very young with an open discussion.

Myusernameismyusername · 02/09/2016 06:55

Mine just yelled down the stairs they had started their periods. Their first period wasn't really that bad. It was the 2nd and 3rd that was very painful and they both got upset when it happened. They wouldn't have wanted to celebrate. Also they find it a massive inconvienence still, and a faff. It takes years to really just get used to it

Itwillbefine · 02/09/2016 06:57

I never wanted my periods to start, seemed like a right faff to me and they are. If your children would like it fine, I would've hated it.

And I remember my brother's voice broke over a long period of time, when would you celebrate? At the first squeak?

INeedNewShoes · 02/09/2016 06:57

When I started my periods, my mum said to me 'Welcome to the woman's world!'. Obviously, as you can see, it has stuck with me. I was horrified! I didn't really know what she meant but I did know that at 11 I felt very much still like a girl, not a woman.

My mum was never good at saying the right thing though. My parents are fab and I have a very good relationship with them, but for some reason they aren't great at finding the appropriate words response to situations.

queenofthemountains · 02/09/2016 06:59

I took my oldest out for a nice dinner, she got to choose the restaurant, we had a lovely time. I intend to do the same again when my youngest starts.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/09/2016 07:01

It will depend so much on the individual, but people can say 'It's nothing to be embarrassed about' till they're blue in the face, but that will not stop some more sensitive and private girls being embarrassed. Sometimes hideously so, if people insist on making a thing of it, and telling other people.

Unfortunately some people just do not understand this, and think that merely saying it will stop someone being embarrassed.

But as I said, it will depend on the individual and a mother - provided she's not one of the insensitive types above - should know what's best for her own daughter.

BadToTheBone · 02/09/2016 07:11

It's not always easy to define a moment for a boy, my ds's voice didn't break, there was no squeaks or cracks, just a period of a few months as it got deeper without us really noticing. I used to get him mixed up with his sister and now I get him mixed up with his dad.

Dd and I are going to have a woman's day out when her periods start, maybe a movie and a meal of her choosing, but I hope it's a long way off yet as she's only 10. She said she'd like that but doesn't want anyone else to know why.

It's up to the child.

Me624 · 02/09/2016 07:12

I loved the book Back Home too!

I only have a DS at the moment but if I do ever have a DD then I will be led by her, some girls (like the many on this thread!) are terribly embarrassed about it all, I had a friend who didn't even tell her mum when she started and used to buy pads with her own money rather than ask her mum! I found that very strange and rather sad. I wasn't at all fussed about my dad knowing either and regularly used to send him off to the supermarket with specfic instructions on which pads to buy (the PURPLE ones dad, not just any old ones!)

I'm not sure I would have wanted a party or celebration though - bit OTT. Maybe my mum taking me out for a coffee and a bit of cake.

SoupDragon · 02/09/2016 07:17

My natural instinct will be to commiserated with DD. 30 years of inconvenience and many of pain ( although having children cured my painful periods. Made them really heavy as pay off though). I won't of course but equally in wont celebrate them. Personally I think a matter of fact treatment of them is better.

As for the voice breaking, you might struggle. Neither DS had a moment when it started breaking, I just noticed it was deeper. There was no dramatic croaking or anything.

EddieStobbart · 02/09/2016 07:20

I wasn't embarrassed and have never had painful periods. It was just that it seemed to be treated as a big deal, "oh, you're a WOMAN now" etc and I didn't want a massive fuss as if there were huge step changes in my life. I just wanted to potter along, growing up one step at a time with nobody making a fuss. That's what I'll do with the DDs. No embarrassment about sex and bodily functions here.

ayeokthen · 02/09/2016 07:20

My dad made a huge fuss about my periods and I was absolutely mortified! He was all emotional about his baby girl growing up and I just wanted to hide. That said, our eldest just proudly showed me his underarm hair (there are about 3 bless him) and he was really excited and wanted us to be excited too. I guess you should take their lead?

Wincarnis · 02/09/2016 07:21

I think it's a lovely idea, although 'celebrate' sounds a bit OTT.

I started at 10, totally unprepared, and was ashamed and embarrassed. I was too shy to go to the shops for sanpro (in those days you had to ask for them in our local shops, they didnt have them on the shelves for you to help yourself) and generally had a miserable time. I was so upset when i heard my Mum whispering to my Dad, i didnt want him to know.
It would have been great to be able to take it in my stride, but i couldn't and didn't.

If your DC s are ok with it, yes by all means acknowledge them 'coming to age' with something they would like....perhaps something a bit 'grown up' that they wouldn't normally do ?

Good luck!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/09/2016 07:24

I was thinking the same Soupdragon. Would you start celebrating as soon as his voice starts squeaking a bit? It breaks gradually. He won't come down one morning sounding like Barry White.

My periods were very late starting and I felt worried and left out when my friends were discussing theirs. If period presents were also a 'thing' amongst my friends, I would have felt even worse.

EddieStobbart · 02/09/2016 07:27

It's the big deal about "coming of age/grown up" bit that I would have had a problem with. So many different thoughts on what would have made each poster feel happiest on this thread so I think speaking to your DD about what she'd feel most confortable with is the best thing.

LunaLoveg00d · 02/09/2016 07:28

Having periods isn't something to be proud of though - it's just something which happens. We don't have parties when a baby starts to walk, or when a child loses their first baby tooth.

Period parties and the suchlike are just WEIRD and excruciatingly awful for a self-conscious teen or pre-teen.

Waitingfordolly · 02/09/2016 07:30

My DD would have hated it when her periods first started, although I was always quite matter of fact about the whole thing. She might have appreciated some jewellery once she'd had a few months to get used to it.

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