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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

440 replies

user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:21

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP posts:
pengymum · 01/09/2016 12:12

Marriage in Islam is not religious, it is a civil contract. It has been made into a seemingly religious ceremony by involving the Imams & adding prayers. This is about control of the masses by the religious scholars. Same as developed with Christianity over time.
All that actually happens in an Islamic marriage ceremony is that the bride & groom are asked if they agree to the marriage and the payment that is agreed in case of divorce. As such, the legal civil ceremony of any state is acceptable as the main thing is recording of consent. But that's my personal interpretation.
And as the MIL hasn't had an 'Islamic' ceremony etc it is very unreasonable to pressure her son into one, particularly when he doesn't subscribe to any religion anyway!

Madeupforthis · 01/09/2016 12:13

Regarding the non believing aspect, I will explain how my DP put this to me - It is not important what you believe, to be a good Muslim it is important what you DO. Therefore the action of having an Islamic wedding makes your DP a good Muslim in your MIL and Allahs eyes. That is probably why she is so keen.

It doesn't matter what you believe basically. Behaviour is everything. (Although this is only how it was explained to me by DP and family and may be steeped with manipulation)

amidawish · 01/09/2016 12:13

why dont' you find out a bit more about what the ceremony involves, what you ahve to say etc..

that way you are sure to find plenty of things you can object to, with good reason.

not that you should have to, just might make it easier. i do agree it is a slippery slope that i wouldn't go down.

trafalgargal · 01/09/2016 12:14

Which is simply saying the woman's role and opinions are of no matter

Madeupforthis · 01/09/2016 12:14

And if her son is a good Muslim, she will be also by association.

perfumedlife · 01/09/2016 12:16

I'm confused. Is the DP's mother talking about an Islamic blessing/prayers for the child's christening or the couple's wedding?

biscuitz72 · 01/09/2016 12:16

Disrespectful is the word I was trying to remember. Thanks to meridian for reminding me, and you make some valid points.

ChasedByBees · 01/09/2016 12:17

I would be very clear with her that circumcision is an assault. Very icily clear.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/09/2016 12:18

It's a wedding. I'm guessing MIL wants them 'married' before the baby comes along.

Koan · 01/09/2016 12:18

What is the simple ceremony though?

Is it like having a blessing in a church when you're having a registry office wedding, which doesn't oblige you afterwards in a religious sense?

trafalgargal · 01/09/2016 12:18

My view (and I speak from the position of having one Catholic and one Jewish parent both of whose families hated the mixed marriage thing) is that marriage is about making promises for he future to each other and to your family and friends ......tainting those promises with a religious element and contract neither of you believe undermines those promises . I wouldn't want a marriage started with an act of hypocracy.

GinAndTunic · 01/09/2016 12:20

Say "no". If you and your DH are not religious then it is not necessary to have a religious wedding ceremony - particularly if it's done only to make a third party happy.

I suspect that your future MiL will consider this having her foot in the door and will start asking for more. Nip it in the bud now.

Joinourclub · 01/09/2016 12:22

What sort of wedding are you having? Will there be readings/ speeches? Could she maybe do a Islamic reading of some sort? That way you aren't involved directly and aren't being hypocritical. You don't have to make your fmil happy , but it does make sense that your dp wants to please his mum (though putting her wants ahead of yours is obviously not on) .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/09/2016 12:23

I have said all of the above but somehow just know it will continue

For me, a lot would depend on whether you expect only his mother to continue the pressure or OH as well. If it's both of them I'd have to wonder exactly what I was marrying into, and what the future consequences might be ...

Koan · 01/09/2016 12:23

Oh, have x posted with other pps asking same thing.

Wrt to circumcision, I have been horrified recently, understanding more about this traumatic violation.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 01/09/2016 12:23

Of course YANBU. It would be ridiculous and wrong to do this.

I'd be having a VERY frank chat with DP as well to make sure you're on the same page with regard to any future children, that they will not be circumcised, and they will not be baptised or brought up in to any religion.

Please address this before you marry and have kids, religious differences destroy families.

VioletBam · 01/09/2016 12:24

Turn it back on him...if he would do anything for YOU then he would not ask you to do this.

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 12:25

Less "OP, I take it that you identify as either atheist or agnostic?"

sorry but this expression bugs me. I don't identify as an atheist, I am an atheist. Is there a mission to make language more complicated than it needs to be?

I too wonder about the issue of saying things you don't believe in but usually I think two things happen. 1) the people doing the pressuring hope those under pressure will suddenly start to believe 2) the person conducting the service is paid in most cases and also hopes a bit of 1 themselves!

Mix56 · 01/09/2016 12:26

Wow, Just, No.
You may not even understand the words that are pronounced....
It is all sorts of wrong, from hypocrisy, to allowing islam into a relationship where it has no role.

flowersandsunshine · 01/09/2016 12:26

Agree with trafalgargal. My family are Jewish - dh's are atheist/agnostic. My family have never attempted to force Judaism onto dh nor his family force atheism onto me. We mutually respect and accept our different views on religion and so do both our families.

How can a relationship work if one side is trying to pressure the other into doing something they are uncomfortable with??

RaspberryOverload · 01/09/2016 12:30

OP, be very clear with your soon to be DH about circumcision.

Obviously, don't leave your son alone with your MIL, she may go ahead secretly.

But if your DH consents, I don't think you can prevent it happening, as he will also have PR, and you may find he's given in to keep mum happy, especially if you do put your foot down over the marriage ceremony.

tiredandhungryalways · 01/09/2016 12:33

What a complete and utter piss take. I.am muslim. And.I can assure you.no imam who takes his faith seriously would conduct a nikkah for a non muslim couple.I it's not a joke it's a binding contract. Tell ure mother in law.to buzz right off I wonder what else she'll be interfering in and ure partner desperate to please his guilt ridden mum will agree with her

takesnoprisoners · 01/09/2016 12:36

OP, very very slippery slope. Please stand your ground.

P.S. Attended an Islamic ceremony recently and it left me confused. No rings, no speech, heck even the BG and B were not in the same room. I would love to know what all that really means. My DH and I walked in, we were spearated into women's and men's room and then after some time they said they are married. Did I miss some part of it? We were both left scratching our head.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/09/2016 12:37

Completely agree with Raspberry - obviously only you can make the final decision here, but personally I'd be very worried about this whole thing and what it might mean for my children

Koan · 01/09/2016 12:40

I think there could be some more sensitivity shown to MIL law here. Obviously use all vigilance and assertiveness if this is a foot in the door thing. BUT this isn't quite your typical MIL problem, necessarily, in that what she went through to marry FIL was HUGE and maybe hasn't even been validated by anyone. Being shunned (and shamed) that way and for so long is like a death. Of course, it's not your issue, OP, it was her story and it's the context in which she brought DP into the world. This will be bringing it all up though.