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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

440 replies

user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:21

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP posts:
manicmij · 02/09/2016 22:52

What effect does MIL think ceremony will have? Neither you or DP being religious just tell her you do not go through your lives just doing things that have no meaning to either of you whatsoever.,Would she go through a Christian ceremony just for the sake of others? Tell her no, as it would be completely worthless and you would regard it as almost an affront to her religion to do so knowing it held no value for you. Like others I feel it would be the beginning of a long list of "make her happy" situations.

Esspee · 02/09/2016 22:57

The OP seems to have left the building!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2016 23:09

there are no sharia courts in the uk who would rule like that - we have been told they are shallow - light weight councils now, who would provide light weight minimal council and of course - its by the by as the UK has laws. Sharia is not recognised here

I'm the first to admit I don't know which laws each UK Sharia court imposes - do you? I'm afraid I don't feel it cuts it any more to insist, in effect, "oh no, they wouldn't actually do it" about the less palatable aspects of religious law, especially where courts operate largely away from public view

It's perfectly true that Sharia isn't recognized in UK law, but as has been said it certainly carries a lot of weight with some community members, an influence which some may consider unwelcome in a western society

As I've said before, I'd very much like to see the end of religious courts - and yes, that applies to ALL of them, whether Sharia, Beth Din, the CofE's own ecclesiastical courts or anything else

ThePinkOcelot · 02/09/2016 23:09

If your DPs mother was so bothered about being a Muslim and following Islam, why didn't she stick to her religion and marry a Muslim instead?!! I would be telling her where to go OP!

dottybooboo22 · 02/09/2016 23:26

So I take it you're not getting married in church for the same reason! Just tell her that!
Why would you swop one religious ceremony for another? That is if you HAVE decided not to get married in church obviously !

TippyT · 02/09/2016 23:32

So she didn't believe before now? Then has suddenly found the " sky fairy" No No No.

If your relationship was based on rationality not invisible men sat in clouds don't let it happen now.
As for genital mutilation did she have her son / your partner cut? I doubt it so why do it now to your son? It's an evil practice stand up for self, and big hugs xxx

Tezza1 · 03/09/2016 03:35

The C of E doesn't marry divorcees in church except in exceptional circumstances. Are you sure puzzle your fourth time at marriage person wasn't widowed?
My brother had a friend start to tell him how the friend had lied (and whatever else it took) to get his first marriage annulled so that he could get married in a Catholic church because it was important to his fiancee to have a Catholic ceremony (her first marriage). My brother told him to shut up and not tell him because my brother would then feel obligated to object during the service if he actually knew any "hindrance" to the marriage. This was about 30 years ago.

Anyway, my point is, if you are really determined to do so, you can dupe a priest/minister. I don't know how the bride ultimately felt about the validity of her marriage.

sykadelic · 03/09/2016 05:22

YANBU. Not because of what ceremony it is, but the simply fact it's not what you agreed on so my answer would be simple:

"One of the things we bonded over and have in common is that we're not religious. You knew and know this about me. I am not comfortable having a religious ceremony just to please your mother. It sets a precedent I'm not comfortable with. This is HER religion, not ours. It will not be forced onto me or our children just to make her happy. She should be happy that we're happy. She should be happy that we're doing something because we want to and not out of obligation."

Perfectly valid reasons. Basically boils down to "we're the ones getting married and we're not religious so the answer is no".

Angelina7 · 03/09/2016 07:11

I think her request is and ongoing pressure is totally unacceptable. Dp is a Muslim and we have a DD, I think it may also be about the iman basically saying it's all good for u to be together and giving his ok to baby too, dp suggested seeing an iman when I was preggers ... Luckily he didn't bring it up again but I felt uncomfortable about it. Also luckily we have DD but we did have an emotional argument about circumcision which I still feel uncomfortable about as I would never ever do this to a perfect the way he is baby boy! Luckily his fam don't live here & don't speak English!! I would just say to mil your religion is up to you and we respect that but it's not for me and it makes me feel uncomfortable and even if it's a 10 minute thing it is a big deal to me, marriage is a big deal & I don't want to feel anything but happy & comfortable when I get married. Good luck, don't let anyone make u feel uncomfortable.

carabos · 03/09/2016 07:40

The Cof E doesn't marry divorcees in church unless there are exceptional circumstances . They most certainly do, and have done for donkey's years. My ex husband was remarried by Cof E 23 years ago - the exceptional circumstance was that I had left him, so he was the "innocent" party. The fact that I left him because he was a philandering bastard cut no ice. His mother was a stalwart of the parish so she got her way. Have any resonance for you OP?

PeacefulAngel · 03/09/2016 08:03

If you have to choose between being kind and being right, choose being kind and you will always be right.

sashh · 03/09/2016 08:07

Don't be surprised if a Nikah ceremony takes place with a male 'representative' of you instead of you there.

I think the argument I would use is that if you have a Muslim wedding you then have a Muslim marriage, your husband is then obliged to financially take care of you and any children. You can chose to work but any money you earn is for you not the family. Can he afford to house, clothe and feed you?

Also the meher, ask him how much he can pay and what ever he says tell him you are worth more than that. Again you do not have to share this with him or use it to buy the family home.

Does he really want a Muslim marriage or does he want a typical secular marriage with equal partners both contributing to the mortgage?

MrsHorsfall · 03/09/2016 09:26

So she risked being shunned by her entire family so she could do as she pleased but now she's expecting you to conform to this?! Hypocritical!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 03/09/2016 09:48

When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy

Nice bit of emotional blackmail there from future MIL and yes controlling of her and also your DP.

Take away the nature of her religion and the fact that she totally compromised her own religious background to the extent of being shunned by her own family and just stand firm that you cannot and will not compromise yourself and your future child by being false and untrue to your own strongly held beliefs.

Regardless of the issue itself neither she, nor your DP should be asking you to compromise yourself over this. It's one thing to take her on a day out, a holiday or something because she 'doesn't ask anything of us' and quite another to request religious ceremonies in a faith that neither of you support or belong to and that your future child can't agree to for himself.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 03/09/2016 09:50

If you have to choose between being kind and being right, choose being kind and you will always be right.
Only in a perfect world Peaceful Angel

Italiangreyhound · 03/09/2016 10:45

fadhsamum I don't know where you are reading the 'nasty Islamic undertones'. Lots of people have said they would not want any religious ceremony. I think it is the fact OP and her Dh are not Muslim that is the issue. I'd also feel if he suddenly became Muslim, to please his mum, (which is not suggested here but might happen in some circumstances) it would still not be OK to pressue his dp into something she was not happy with.

Italiangreyhound · 03/09/2016 10:54

Angel it is not kind to let other people trample on your strongly held wishes. Not to you and not to them.

Eviecat83 · 03/09/2016 10:56

What's the outcome op?

grannytomine · 03/09/2016 11:04

I think it is disrespectful to a religion to have a ceremony you don't believe in. I hate it when a church is chosen because it is an attractive setting rather than because it means something. I know this is a bit different as it won't be in a mosque but the principle is the same I feel.

IndieTara · 03/09/2016 11:29

Just be careful OP. i married a muslim who told me he wasn't religious. He never prayed or went to the mosque. In my experience their idea of not being religious and yours are completely different.
After we were married ( civil ceremony in his home country ) he changed and started trying to subtly impose his religious beliefs on me. This only got worse when we had DD. We are now divorced and DD is 8. He has only got worse and still tries to impose Islam on me, it is a relentless daily grind dealing with him and it affects DD hugely too. He has massive guilt about his family ( they live in his home country ) which causes him to completely overreact and place all of his religious sins, wishes, beliefs etc on DD,s head. It is exhausting. I have a lot of experience of muslims and their families and the pressures that can be exerted. Be careful OP and make sure this is really what you want.
On its own, Love is not enough.

MomOfTwins2 · 03/09/2016 11:41

"It just feels like he thinks IABU because I dont have a genuine reason!"

But you do have a genuine reason! Wars have been fought over religion - most of the bloody world revolves around religion. Religion is a BIG thing, a huge thing. If you don't believe in something it'll not only make you desperately unhappy, but it will, as OhGoveUckYourself said, be hypocritical and absolutely nonsensical.

And like some others said - it'll start with this, then they'll want you to wear a burka to 'special occasions', and it might escalate, because you committed to Islam by having the ceremony. If I were you I would stand my ground, and your DP really should be supporting you on this.

nellieellie · 03/09/2016 12:31

I would check exactly what the ceremony involves. What do you have to say. What does your husband have to say. If there is any lying required, any requirement to express a belief in something that you do not believe in, then it seems an insult to Islam to do it, surely?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/09/2016 13:05

f you are really determined to do so, you can dupe a priest/minister. I don't know how the bride ultimately felt about the validity of her marriage

I wouldn't like to say, but she cheated on her first three husbands and cheated on the fourth too. Hard to avoid thinking it was really all about the "pretty church for the photos" ... Hmm

kateandme · 03/09/2016 13:24

tell him you understand yet it is something to you because of the very fact your saying no.if you had no reason in your heart and your own faith be it god or not be it islam or not or simply the faith if the word and what it is as in faith in love and your family then its a deal for you and you want to stick to your heart and ur feeling on this,becasue that is a kind of faith.a faith in being who,and your little one being who they want to be and with whatever relgion,no religion you as parents see fit and have faith in.

hotdiggedy · 03/09/2016 13:49

I'm sorry, but saying they will be expecting her to wear a burqa to 'special occasions' is a bit over the top!

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