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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

440 replies

user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:21

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 11:59

Hate "squoosh what if you got pregnant by accident with a Jewish or Muslim man?"

sorry I realise you didn't address this to me
but any child that came out of me would not be raised within a religion - end of.

Andrewofgg · 01/09/2016 11:59

You need to be aware of this, too. Many, in fact probably most, Muslim marriage ceremonies in the UK are not valid as marriages by English (or Scots or NI) law. There is no notice to the Registrar, no marriage in an authorised manner, no registration afterwards. It's not even a void marriage; it's a non-marriage. It creates no rights and no obligations (except as regards children) - if you split the divorce courts cannot help you and if you don't then when one of you dies the other will not be the widow/er so that even if there is a suitable will Inheritance Tax will be due.

If you give way insist on a civil wedding first. It need not be a big show and costs very little.

raisedbyguineapigs · 01/09/2016 11:59

rebel an Islamic ceremony done by an imam in the home is not legally binding so the OP will have a civil ceremony too. It's the precedent it sets for the future.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2016 11:59

DH is a practicing Muslim, I am a lapsed Christian. We didn't have a religious wedding, just a civil one. DH never once suggested one nor have his family.

It probably isn't a consideration for you but if your DH was originally from a Muslim country (or at least some of them) he may well get custody rights over any children due to the islamic marriage.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/09/2016 12:00

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy

I'm afraid I think that's quite unpleasant - just how would going through a ceremony which means nothing to either of you make her happy? I also imagine you know that, while the ceremony might be brief, all the stuff she'd want to arrange to go with it certainly wouldn't Hmm

I won't even comment on the hideous remarks about plans to mutilate your baby, except to say you need to get a hold on this NOW; the PPs who mentioned a "slippery slope" are absolutely right

squoosh · 01/09/2016 12:00

squoosh what if you got pregnant by accident with a Jewish or Muslim man?

Well I might have a baby. And if I did have a baby turned out to be a son, well come hell or high water I'd stand guard over his foreskin!

SemiNormal · 01/09/2016 12:00

Explain to her that you would feel like you were making a mockery of the religion and it's traditional ceremony if you went ahead with something you do not believe in.
I really wouldn't give in on this, a couple of family members question why my son is christened, but I'm non-religious so why should he be? even if I was I wouldn't do it - his religion (or lack of) will be his decision when he's older. The family members who question it don't go to church or follow any particular religion, just that they believe in being christened in a 'tradtional' sense.

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 12:01

Chaz "It probably isn't a consideration for you but if your DH was originally from a Muslim country (or at least some of them) he may well get custody rights over any children due to the islamic marriage."

under English law?

NotMe321 · 01/09/2016 12:01

He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..

Have you actually said that, and has he? I'm assuming he isn't contending that he seriously thinks that means you have promised that you would literally do anything at all, up to and including a serious crime? By the same token, if he has agreed that he would do anything for you, that should include saying no to what would be a ridiculous ceremony that you would find very uncomfortable.

trafalgargal · 01/09/2016 12:02

Would it even be possible for two non Muslims to be married in the Mosque ? I doubt it so maybe make enquiries quietly especially pointing out your OH was Christened (eg do it yourself not via MIL) and if it is the case just point out its not possible. Might save a lot of grief .

squoosh · 01/09/2016 12:02

Apparently the wedding ceremony would take place in the home.

Original poster
user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 12:03

HateSummer Thu 01-Sep-16 11:56:36
Fwiw, I think the mil is trying to get over the guilt of not raising her children as Muslims, but it's a little too late now and she shouldn't be forcing them to have a ceremony just to make her happy.

YY to this

OP posts:
MeridianB · 01/09/2016 12:03

"He is wrong in saying you don't have a "genuine" reason. You are absolutely entitled to say you won't go through a hypocritical farce and make public promises that you have no intention of keeping."
This

Presumably the ceremony would involve you hearing, saying and doing things. Why would you MIL think it's OK for you and DP to do this if neither of you believe. It would be a lie and surely disrespectful of the Iman and religion.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 01/09/2016 12:04

she said to me a few weeks ago that she would start looking for SOMEONE to circumcise the baby.
Really really really be careful about letting baby on its own with her !!

She's a fucking idiot by the way to make you do the ceremony just to satisfy herself!!! Big red flag for how controlling she will be on your marriage! Stand your ground and be very careful about the relationship you ll have with this woman- she seems dangerous
If I were you I d have zero contact!!

But be sensitive as to how you present all this to dp

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2016 12:04

Lorelei

No not under English law, but if the relationship broke up and he was from another country (like my DH) an islamic marriage could be a problem if he ever took the children to his home country. My DH's country is not a signatory to the Hague Convention on Child Abduction either.

shovetheholly · 01/09/2016 12:04

This is YOUR wedding, and it should reflect your beliefs. Otherwise it's not really honestly a reflection of you, and you don't want to start your married life with a lie.

LauraMipsum · 01/09/2016 12:04

Where is she going to find an imam who will conduct a nikah ceremony when neither bride nor groom are Muslim?!

Or is he going to be expected to lie and pretend he is Muslim?

biscuitz72 · 01/09/2016 12:04

Skimming through the rest of the thread, I see that others have expressed views similar to mine and most of those views are that YANBU, so that should tell you something.

I intend to go back and read the rest of it properly, but I think it's telling that most ppl agree with you.

The religion in question has nothing to do with it; it's the principles behind it, and what you could be setting yourself up for in the future, if you give in now.

Lessthanaballpark · 01/09/2016 12:04

"It just feels like he thinks IABU because I dont have a genuine reason!"

OP, I take it that you identify as either atheist or agnostic? In which case you have a perfectly genuine reason. It's about having integrity and being honest to yourself

Surely Allah values integrity and honesty and would not want someone to pretend to believe in something they don't? He would know your wedding is a sham because it wasn't based on genuine belief. As the Quran says: "there is no compulsion in religion".

justgivemeamo · 01/09/2016 12:04

not sure about what chaz has said - but its murky waters isnt it....

simply not something i would want to get involved with..

flowersandsunshine · 01/09/2016 12:08

I am Jewish myself (not just my mum) and my dh is not. But I would not have dreamt of making dh have a Jewish wedding against his will. We had a registry office wedding.

If your dp wants an Islamic ceremony he needs to find an Islamic woman or a woman who is happy with that. He is marrying YOU. You are not happy with that.

The question you should be asking him is if he loves you, why does he want you to be forced against your will to do something you are uncomfortable with? That doesn't sound very loving.

He shouldn't be putting his mum's feelings above yours. He's not marrying his mum. And your wedding should be about what makes you two feel special, not what makes his mum feel special.

If one person has to NOT get their wishes met in your wedding, it should clearly be your mil, not you!!

She does sound a bit of a nightmare - who does she think are the 2 main people in your and your dp's relationship?! She needs to get the message soon to butt out.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/09/2016 12:08

It's not about your relationship with your MIL. It's about your relationship with your DP. If he had asked you to have an Islamic wedding, would you have ruled it out unequivocally? If so, you need to explain to him why.
It's time for you to have a serious conversation with your DP because as PPs have said the pressure is only going to continue to mount especially when your DC comes along. I've seen friends who were staunchly agnostic suddenly revert to cultural Christianity when they had their first child leading to arguments about baptisms, etc.

JigglypuffsCaptor · 01/09/2016 12:09

Fuck the ceremony, she wants to cut bits off your DS! Ask her to have her labia chopped off in front of you with some flowers and someone ringing a bell, and if she says yes, then say I'll think about it Hmm

I'd just say to him "in not comfortable with the idea of pretending to be religious to appease others, it's just not a option"

I'm a Christian, I go to church most Sundays and recently had DS baptised/christened. DP believes in God, but does not practice a religion. We sat down discussed it and he agreed it would be fine because it was important to me, I really don't think he would have agreed if it was because someone outside the family unit thought it was necessary and I'd be inclined to agree with him about that.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/09/2016 12:10

I suppose the key point I am making is that just because her DH is telling her that it is meaningless, just something to make his DM happy, doesn't mean that it is meaningless. If the OP goes through a formal islamic marriage, there are places where that will have real meaning and will have real consequences. I don't know if that is something the OP needs to worry about, it will depend on her individual circumstances.

DrudgeJedd · 01/09/2016 12:11

Grin at squoosh standing guard over a foreskin

Swiss or horse?

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