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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

440 replies

user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:21

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 01/09/2016 11:49

Did you bully her into it though Marvik, or was it her own choice?

GingerbreadGingerbread · 01/09/2016 11:50

I just don't see how MIL is in any way involved in this or how her son thinks it's reasonable. This is YOUR wedding, you are not a Muslim, your husband to be is not a Muslim, you do not want a Muslim blessing.

Every time they bring it up just say: "No sorry neither of us are Muslim so it's inappropriate and would make me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I don't appreciate you ignoring and sidelining my feelings in this in favour of your mother."

HateSummer · 01/09/2016 11:51

However if he was Muslim I would not have got into a relationship with him.

Why not?

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 11:51

user "However if he was Muslim I would not have got into a relationship with him."

does he know this by the way? and does his mum know? It might be time to be frank about it, sorry.

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 11:53

PS I wouldn't get into a relationship with people of certain faiths either so that's not a criticism, I'm just wondering if he knows how strongly you feel about it.

marvik · 01/09/2016 11:54

My stepdaughter's mother wanted her to have an exchange of vow in public, and paid for that.

My stepdaughter's fiancee's mother wanted there to be a Hindu blessing which would be important to their side of the family.

She and her partner are doing what most couples do - trying to make it a celebration that's about what they want, but in which their wider families feel involved.

All I'd say is that if the two people in the couple have very different ideas about compromise/not compromising it probably doesn't bode well for the future.

(I think it's not primarily about religion, it's about couples and how they communicate.)

HateSummer · 01/09/2016 11:54

How can

justgivemeamo · 01/09/2016 11:54

No stand your ground I reallly dislike the pressure here. Say no and you will hear no more about it.

RebelRogue · 01/09/2016 11:55

Will this ceremony replace your actual wedding or is it an "extra"?

HateSummer · 01/09/2016 11:55

How can you decide who yoU fall in love with unless you already have preconceptions about people from certain faiths and therefore avoid those people?

squoosh · 01/09/2016 11:55

I wouldn't get into a relationship with anyone who was religious. I also wouldn't get into a relationship with a Jewish person or Muslim person who even if not practising still strongly believed in traditions like circumcision.

justgivemeamo · 01/09/2016 11:55

I dont think it matters rebel its the principle isnt it.

two mins/two hours/ No.

justgivemeamo · 01/09/2016 11:56

squoosh can we help who we fall in love with?

HateSummer · 01/09/2016 11:56

Fwiw, I think the mil is trying to get over the guilt of not raising her children as Muslims, but it's a little too late now and she shouldn't be forcing them to have a ceremony just to make her happy.

squoosh · 01/09/2016 11:56

Hate you can't always decide who you fall in love with but I wouldn't hitch my matrimonial wagon to anyone who strongly believed in things I was strongly against.

biscuitz72 · 01/09/2016 11:56

Getting married in any church or having any kind of religious blessing when you don't practice the faith in question, and don't believe in it, is hypocritical and kinda insulting (not quite the right word, but I have brain fog and can't think of the word I actually want to use) to those that do and trivialises it.

YADDNBU, and I applaud you for standing your ground.

It might be different if this was only coming from your dp, then I would suggest trying to find a compromise that you could both live with; but doing it to make his mother happy; NO! Once you start doing that, where does it stop?

raisedbyguineapigs · 01/09/2016 11:57

You definitely have to say no now. Islam is a way of life, and it sounds like your DP is leaning towards that way of life to appease his mother. I would have said an absolute no to the circumcision. If you decide to do it then it's your decision.

Ginkypig · 01/09/2016 11:57

That would be the case if the people involved were practicing Muslims though surely? It can't be a contractual agreement if the second they leave it's never thought of again?

They may not be insulted your right, Im not an expert so I won't try to argue that I'm right! and it is different to Christian ceremonies but surley devout Muslims would be unhappy to watch not one but both people in a ceremony knowing that to those people there is no interest or belief and no thought about carrying it on into life they may as well be having fairy dust sprinkled on them.

LongWayRound · 01/09/2016 11:57

You would be fully justified in saying no outright. But it might be helpful to soften the blow a bit, in which case you should find out exactly what the Islamic ceremony involves. My guess is that it involves signing a marriage contract, in which case you can refuse to sign it on the grounds that you don't want your marriage to be governed by Islamic law, or because there are specific clauses in the contract which are unacceptable to you.

WellErrr · 01/09/2016 11:57

Tell her you'll do it if she'll get baptised in a Christian church.

It's only a ten minute thing after all.

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 11:58

Hate - love and real life are often not connected and falling in love is quite often just surface until you get to know the person. If you still love them after, great, but we often find out all kinds of things that change our view. I've often thought "love is not love that alters when it alteration finds" to be the biggest load of bull ever (sorry, Will).

HateSummer · 01/09/2016 11:58

squoosh what if you got pregnant by accident with a Jewish or Muslim man?

DixieWishbone · 01/09/2016 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:59

We would have another wedding (non religious).

I do not think it is wrong for me to say I would not get into a relationship with somebody religious. I am not religious and do not believe in it.
I have said this to his mum and him. I thought we was on the same page he only wants to do it to make his mum happy.

It is not like he is suddenly religious.

OP posts:
justgivemeamo · 01/09/2016 11:59

Getting married in any church or having any kind of religious blessing when you don't practice the faith in question, and don't believe in it, is hypocritical and kinda insulting

^ no its not, churchs are often lovely venus^ and no more. The building also usually offers more than the religious side ie - family history in it, or local history, ie - woven into the fabric of someones life.