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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

440 replies

user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:21

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP posts:
Idliketobeabutterfly · 01/09/2016 12:41

Nope, I wouldn't do it.

IPityThePontipines · 01/09/2016 12:42

Marriage in Islam is not religious, it is a civil contract

This is an oxymoron. Marriage in Islam is a religious contract (clue: the rules and guidance for the contract from from the religion of Islam).

You and your partner aren't Muslim, so you can't have an Islamic marriage any more than DH and I could have a Jewish wedding when we are both Muslims.

You aren't Muslim and don't wish to be and nor is your partner, so that's all that needs to be said.

However, it is worth sitting down with your partner and discussing this. Just as many lapsed Christians like to send their kids to a Christian school, he still may want his parental religion to play a role in his life, so it's best to talk this all through now.

Moanranger · 01/09/2016 12:42

I would be awfully surprised if the celebrant didn't quiz you about your religious beliefs, etc beforehand. This would defo put you on the spot. I know nothing of Islamic weddings, but as a comparison, if a Catholic granny asked you to get married in the church to please her, you'd be in for a big surprise, as they require classes & lots of religious discussion beforehand.
Say no; anything else is hypocritical.

trafalgargal · 01/09/2016 12:43

Thank you tiredand for clarifying this. That was my understanding too. I wonder if MIL has mentioned her son was christened to the Iman (or hasn't even bothered finding out if it's even possible)

AppleSetsSail · 01/09/2016 12:47

She has overstepped the mark in the strongest terms possible with respect to the proposed circumcision. You're going to have to find a way to tell her to fuck off.

I married into a quasi-Muslim family and we had a little Muslim ceremony on top of the civil one. I consider myself Christian and above and beyond that not terribly religious at all, so it was fine with me.

My FIL has assets in a few Islamic countries that require Islamic marriage certificates for inheritance purposes, and it was very important to him, so we did it. But, this was 15 years ago and Islam was not nearly as politically charged as it is now.

Perhaps I'm not terribly principled, but it just didn't seem like a big deal to me to participate in a ceremony just to make other people happy. I wanted (and had) a drama-free day.

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 12:49

tired " And.I can assure you.no imam who takes his faith seriously would conduct a nikkah for a non muslim couple."

but how does anyone decide? I know a couple who were both from practising Muslim parents but they didn't believe and weren't practising. They had the ceremony with the imam. Neither of them could answer any queries I had about the religion or the service - I kept asking what the service would involve and they were all "dunno". So the imam married them without a second thought. Well I presume he did - I didn't have a clue what was going on tbh!

as far as they were concerned it was to please their parents, I was there because I'd known the woman all my life, and the real wedding was the registry office which was followed by a party. If the imam was happy to marry them, then they would marry anyone surely?

AppleSetsSail · 01/09/2016 12:52

And.I can assure you.no imam who takes his faith seriously would conduct a nikkah for a non muslim couple

No idea what a nikkah is, but I have an Islamic marriage certificate and I'm not Muslim!

greenfolder · 01/09/2016 12:54

I am an atheist. Brought up as one from a long line of atheists. One of my core values is not to dick about in other people's religions and traditions. How can you have such a ceremony if you do not practice the faith? Just a sweet no and hold your ground. Different I know but I have had several people want me to be a God parent. Including telling me that it doesn't matter than I don't believe. What's that about?

tiredandhungryalways · 01/09/2016 12:57

The imam won't ask if your muslims lorelei he will assume you are as why would a non muslim couple ask for a nikkah? So if op and her partner say we want a nikkah the imam will conduct it for them but if they make clear they are non muslim then he won't.

tiredandhungryalways · 01/09/2016 12:58

Apple are you married to a Muslim man?

DistanceCall · 01/09/2016 13:00

Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women (and up to four of them). Muslim women, however, can only marry a Muslim (and only one).

That's why non-Muslim women can have a Muslim wedding.

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 01/09/2016 13:00

I had an Islamic marriage for inheritance and property related rules, which in themselves are misogynistic medieval bollocks. I had to convert as well. Not punching the Iman despite extreme provocation was a proud moment.

My sons foreskin is staying exactly where nature intended too.

My advice is don't do it unless there is a substantial pecuniary advantage.

tiredandhungryalways · 01/09/2016 13:00

Ah apple just read your earlier post. Yes that would make sense as you are married to a man who says he is muslim so.you can get a Muslim marriage cert

Birdandsparrow · 01/09/2016 13:02

Surely it won't mean anything if neither of you is a muslim, so there's no point in doing it at all. I'd just say, no I don't believe in it I'm not happy to do it.

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 13:02

tired "The imam won't ask if your muslims lorelei he will assume you are as why would a non muslim couple ask for a nikkah?"

no offence, tired, but that makes a nonsense of your earlier comment. It must be obvious a lot of people do this stuff to please their parents. So on one hand you say the imam will not do it, but if he doesn't even flipping ask why they are having the ceremony...?!

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 13:02

and here we have a classic example of a non muslim couple who may be asking!!

Birdandsparrow · 01/09/2016 13:03

Nikkah marriage.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Islam

Birdandsparrow · 01/09/2016 13:04

Sorry, that should say nikkah means marriage ceremony

AppleSetsSail · 01/09/2016 13:04

My husband is not Muslim - more to the point, my FIL is a kind of 'cultural' Muslim of Eastern extraction who also celebrates Christmas and eats bacon and drinks alcohol.

Needmoresleep · 01/09/2016 13:06

Don't. It could have huge implications if anything ever went wrong, or for your children in the future.

In Malaysia, not the most Islamic country by any means, it is standard for custody to be given to the Muslim parent in any divorce battle. To the extent that it is not unknown for a non Muslim parent to convert to Islam in order to secure custody. And "Muslims" which your children would probably be considered, given your marriage is an Islamic one, would be expected to abide by Sharia rules.

It is unnecessary, and possibly the thin end of the wedge. Your MiL probably regrets not raising her children as Muslims and so would like to ensure the same does not happen with the Grandchildren. If you give way now, she will want more. By all means allow your children to understand, appreciate and respect Islam, but let the religion they eventually choose to practice be their decision.

samG76 · 01/09/2016 13:07

Obviously, don't leave your son alone with your MIL, she may go ahead secretly

sorry - but this on the same level as the stories about gypsies stealing children from supermarkets and smuggling them away dressed as a girl/boy/whatever.

In the UK, anyone is going to ask for parental consent forms.

tiredandhungryalways · 01/09/2016 13:07

The couple are not asking though. That's why we're having this discussion. And the imam won't conduct a nikkah if a couple.who say they are non muslim want a nikkah.

Letmenamechangeforaminute · 01/09/2016 13:08

You do have a valid reason. You aren't Muslim and you don't want an Islamic ceremony. If you dont believe in it and dont want it, it wouldn't be appropriate for you to have it. You don't need any more reason than that and you aren't doing anything wrong by saying no.
Sometimes it's hard to see the bigger picture when you're charged with breaking someone's mum's heart when such a small thing could make her happy. It's very easy to get caught up in it all and to start believing that you're the unreasonable one. You start backing down on things, a circumcision here, a wedding there, where you live, it's a slippery slope... the years fly by and you end up like me. I'm speaking from bitter experience. Im bitter and deeply unhappy and they're all happy because I do anything to avoid upsetting them. But in hindsight, if people would rather you do whatever they want regardless of your own feelings about it they are being quite selfish and putting the happiness that they derrive from you doing things their way, above respecting your right to autonomy. Decades from now I hope I'll say I've had my wedding and raised my kids, my ds and ddil can do things their way, even if it's far from my way. I was so busy not wanting to be disrespectful or mean, and I didn't want to upset anyone, that I was just a total pushover.

Atenco · 01/09/2016 13:09

No, no and no. Your MIL is trying to redo her life through her son and he is going along with

I would cancel any wedding plans with this person, frankly, until he sorts out his relationship with his mother.

If she genuinely believed, she would not be wanting to bring acts of hypocrisy anywhere near her religion.

Heyheyheygoodbye · 01/09/2016 13:09

Say you would find it disrespectful to take part in a ceremony that is important to a faith to which you do not ascribe. Then refuse to discuss it anymore.