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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

440 replies

user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:21

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP posts:
chilipepper20 · 03/09/2016 14:30

If you have to choose between being kind and being right, choose being kind and you will always be right.

you bake cookies to be kind, or give a place to sleep.

you don't sign contracts that may adversely affect you to be kind.

norabattyapparently · 03/09/2016 16:17

People really do have the blinkers on to these kind of situations don't they Hmm denial and ignorance is a dangerous thing nowadays

dotnet · 03/09/2016 16:34

If you can look up the words the Imam would use at the ceremony and which words you and he would have to use, that'll be good evidence as to why you don't want to do this. The form of words will involve promises and undertakings (I bet) - so there you will have, in black and white, why his mother's wish CAN'T be met by the pair of you.

Arfarfanarf · 03/09/2016 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/09/2016 18:10

Dotnet there's no vows in an Islamic marriage, the imam or whoever is officiating the marriage asks the bride if she agrees to the marriage contract and the sum of the agreed bride gift.

The groom is asked if he agrees to be married.

You can make it religious by having a short sermon on marriage.

There's no set marriage vows or making promise to God or anything. It's more a contract.

And women can divorce and women can and do get custody of their children I've several friends who live in Pakistan and the Pakistani courts awarded the mothers custody and maintenance. And so did I.

But neither the op or her DP or his family are Muslim his mum seems to be doing it to put up a front for her family. It's not right. OP you need your DP's backing and don't do anything you don't want, you shouldn't need to make excuses, you're not Muslim your dp is not Muslim, that's the reason you don't want an Islamic marriage it means nothing to you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/09/2016 18:23

Has anyone else wondered if, in view of his mum's views, this OH might actually go the whole nine yards and convert to Islam himself? Which could easily make the whole thing much more problematic ...

Wauden · 03/09/2016 18:43

Read what Wikipedia says about Muslim marriage. It is a contract. You have to sign the contract. The Koran says you cannot get married if you do not want to.

You aren't even eligible, being a kaffir.
It is so not 'just a few minutes at home' - the time it takes is MIL's way of down-playing this contract.
And then there is the dowry and much, much more especially if you move to some other countries.

Whatsername17 · 03/09/2016 18:50

I'm not having g my daughter christened despite a lot of family pressure because I'm agnostic. My reasons are that it would be wrong of me to fake it for the sake of a ceremony. I would making promises I had no intention of keeping, in front of people who believe and live their lives according to their beliefs. It would make a mockery of the religion and the people who worship. Not right or moral at all. The same is true for you. Don't do it.

zaama · 03/09/2016 19:07

If neither of you have done the shahaada and so are Muslims I am not sure the imam would do it.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/09/2016 21:17

Wauden it is two minutes, the contract is terms you draw up yourself. The marriage is saying in front of witnesses you accept the marriage based on the terms of the contract. The contract specifies bride gift. You can add other stuff if you want.

I think an Islamic marriage is more like a prenuptial agreement that both parties agree. The marriage is literally yes I accept marriage with this man that is it. It's not even necessarily written if bride gift is the only stipulation and it's given up front.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/09/2016 21:21

Also why is there an assumption op is moving to another country or her fiancé will?

Most (all) countries have long and contrived immigrantion policies I don't know a single country you can up sticks and turn up to live in because you fancy it.

CarrotVan · 03/09/2016 22:27

My MIL is Jewish, returned to her faith in her 50s, was married to an atheist and brought DH up as an atheist. My parents are RC and I was brought up very strictly RC. I am an atheist.

My MIL asked us to have a ketubah (marriage contract thing drawn up). We said no as it wouldn't be meaningful to us and would be hypocritical. My parents asked us to get married in church. We said no for the same reasons. My MIL found someone to do a cut price Bris (circumcision) for DS - we said no. My parents didn't even ask about baptism having learned their lesson.

Stick by your guns - saying vows you don't mean, signing contracts you don't mean, etc is hypocritical and actually very disrespectful to the religion concerned.

hotdiggedy · 03/09/2016 22:55

Op hasnt been back in ages and people are beginning to imagine all sorts of things!

Op is no doubt already shipped off to Saudi and is busy wearing the burqa while chained to the cooker while the mother in law is taking the son for Islamic Study lessons at the mosque :)

IPityThePontipines · 04/09/2016 14:08

Op is no doubt already shipped off to Saudi and is busy wearing the burqa while chained to the cooker while the mother in law is taking the son for Islamic Study lessons at the mosque

Indeed. It's very telling that just the mention of the word "Islam" and people go on wild flights of fancy. There has been no mention at all of any foreign country being involved, yet that's the assumption that has been made.

Chopstick17 · 04/09/2016 14:44

YANBU. Wrong reasons to do it and no self respecting Muslim would ask two non believers to do this, its hypocritical!

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