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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

440 replies

user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:21

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP posts:
Madeupforthis · 01/09/2016 11:40

Yes, we had exactly the same. They booked the circumcision for me and I refused. DP said the same as yours - it made no difference for me but a huge amount to them. Body autonomy means a huge amount to me, so I asked why my DS's penis mattered to anyone except my DS and perhaps I would start asking his mum about what she plans to get up to with her vagina, as they are all so keen to discuss genitals over the dining table. Conveniently it all stopped then. But that was after about 4 months of pressure that gave me depression. And yes, I had to be that blunt as polite refusals mean nothing.

You really have to put your foot down now and steel yourself for this.

Ginkypig · 01/09/2016 11:41

I'm a catholic and dp is a very not believe in anything type person.

I won't try to ask for any religion to be present during the wedding. I'd quite like a blessing but understand it's not what he believes!

Neither of you should have to take part in a religious ceremony that you don't believe in.

Infact it is an insult to the people who have faith to have to carry out or attend a ceremony on people who don't believe. That in itself should be enough for it not to be an option.

I do get why his mum wants it though (I don't agree) she has finally got to a point where her right to be accepted and practice are here had she had that chance early I think she would have raised her children that way probably. Her dream when thinking of children probably included watching her children marry under the eye of God. *thats her problem though not yours and dp's.

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 11:41

PS honestly you know what parents are like - imagine if we all went along with everything based on "it will make me happy".

I shudder to think how my life would have turned out if I'd gone down that road. Don't start with that - it's a slippery slope. It'll be a religious school to make her happy next!

squoosh · 01/09/2016 11:41

Good for you Made.

Original poster
user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:42

Thank you everyone.

I have said all of the above but somehow just know it will continue.

OP posts:
ExplodingIceberg · 01/09/2016 11:42

Giving her a grandchild should make her happy and if that isn't enough, then she doesn't need to have anything to do with her grandchild.

Inertia · 01/09/2016 11:43

No, you don't have to agree to having your son circumcised to keep anyone happy- what the hell is she thinking?

And no, you don't have to agree to any religious wedding ceremony either.

Your MIL can practise her religion how she sees fit. She does not have the right to impose her beliefs on you or your child.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 01/09/2016 11:43

"No one needs to worry what my babies penis looks like."

Grin

Can't argue with that!

NotMe321 · 01/09/2016 11:44

He is wrong in saying you don't have a "genuine" reason. You are absolutely entitled to say you won't go through a hypocritical farce and make public promises that you have no intention of keeping. Your prospective MiL is being ridiculous anyway - if she really valued her religion she wouldn't want it in effect to be mocked by two non-believers going through a ceremony that means nothing to them.

You can also certainly point to the slippery slope thing. If you give in on this, undoubtedly the next "little" thing that means a lot to her will be the baby's baptism and name, and his circumcision, and his education. If you don't make it clear from the start that this baby is not going to be brought up Muslim and you are not going to subscribe to that faith, she will keep chipping away at you trying to draw you in more.

Original poster
user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:44

Made thank you for the advice. I will have to just really stand my ground. No discussion or debates. Not sure what it means for the relationship now though.
I find it very controlling of his mum (and him now).

OP posts:
marvik · 01/09/2016 11:44

But surely a partnership with one's husband includes consideration of his feelings about his family and his faith background.

My stepdaughter who is not in anyway religious will be having a Hindu blessing in addition to her wedding next year.

I don't think marriages work unless you can compromise on some issues. Perhaps the important thing is the discussion you have with your partner about your different family/cultural backgrounds.

squoosh · 01/09/2016 11:44

I have said all of the above but somehow just know it will continue.

You've given your reasons so tell him in no uncertain terms that you will take a very dim view of being nagged into submitting.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 01/09/2016 11:44

Small red flag surely if u aren't even wed yet and your man is siding with his mother???

GloriaGaynor · 01/09/2016 11:44

If 'No I am not Muslim' isn't enough then I don't know what will be.

You could point out 60% of UK mosques don't admit women.

squoosh · 01/09/2016 11:45

This may give you a new (unfavourable) perspective on your partner.

senua · 01/09/2016 11:46

I have said all of the above but somehow just know it will continue.

Tell her if she doesn't stop then she will never see her DGC. And mean it.

squoosh · 01/09/2016 11:46

But surely a partnership with one's husband includes consideration of his feelings about his family and his faith background.

But her partner isn't even a Muslim. He was christened.

Madeupforthis · 01/09/2016 11:46

Marvik, considerations do have to be made, but I would not sacrifice my sons skin (no metaphor - actual skin) to save a relationship and please other people and neither should OP.

Buzzardbird · 01/09/2016 11:47

Everytime either the religion or the mutilation comes up, just say 'No' and refuse to discuss the issue any further. If she continues, walk away. You have already put your point across, there is no further need for discussion.

maisiejones · 01/09/2016 11:47

Marvik If you read the thread you will see that it isn't the DP's faith background.

MapMyMum · 01/09/2016 11:47

You do have a genuine reason!!!!

samG76 · 01/09/2016 11:47

Ginkypig - This point about an insult to believers is a bit dubious. I doubt if people would be insulted, because as I understand it a Muslim wedding is a contractual issue and not the equivalent of a Christian sacrament.

I suspect most believers probably wouldn't be remotely bothered, any more than I am especially bothered by the proposal to use a Jewish text at the funeral of the woman who was killed in Australia.

Original poster
user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:48

Marvik if he was Muslim I would understand and compromise. However if he was Muslim I would not have got into a relationship with him.

He doesnt care. He wants to do this (small ha) thing for his mum.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 01/09/2016 11:48

Fuck it moved way on while I wrote that.

No his mother has no right to make any decisions for either of you or your children

it is as simple as that

Tell her and him infact you will not ever be pressured so stop pushing. If you don't stop pushing (and if you don't back me dp) then I will take steps to make sure you can't not ever push. Ok!

Lorelei76 · 01/09/2016 11:48

" He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true.."

just to add, I have no idea why anyone says this to a partner! You wouldn't do anything for him and that's quite correct. If he pushes, I agree that it is a very bad sign. In fact, I'm afraid this is ringing classic alarm bells for me - many people change completely after marriage because they consider that they have "trapped" the person to some extent. Is he going to do that? you need to have a serious talk. If you need to put the marriage - and the house buying? - on hold, then do. People who will pressure you into religious things...wrong on so many levels.