AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

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Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

lots of muslim men get into relationships with non mulslim women. It is fine under the religion. The problem comes when the children come along. In my experience, many then rediscover their faith and try and impose it on their hapless wives and children.

I'd be alot more worried about the circumcision plan than the wedding. They need you there for the wedding but they can do the circumcision behind your back. I really think I would want to kill DH if I got home and that had happened.

As a Muslim, woman and mother I would tell you and urge you not to perform any religious ceremony for any purpouse. Wedding, circumcision, and charity( on birth and on 1st birthday of child).

I am a practising muslim to my best of abilities. From my own learning I belive that to observe and practice any Islamic teachings you must belive in one God (Allah) and his messenger. And from here on you do fasting prayers etc as a Muslim. As an Individual who belives in Islam not for people or the world. Submission and belive in Allah and not to bow to his creation.

As you are not a person of this or any other faith, it would be absolute senseless to perfom actions that are merely to please a 'person'. The faith is not there to praise other humans animals or entities except God him/her self.

So by performing a ceremony you are infact going against submission to Allah by performing the ceremony to please a woman/person. Which would infact be considered false and will hold no meaning whatsoever.

Your MIL should know this as a fact and a teaching of Islam if she has become observing lately.

The Imam (muslim priest) would scratch his head when being asked to register an Islamic marriage of two non muslims.

As an atheist I would not go into Church asking for forgiveness of my sins or to perform christening for a child if I did not belive in Jesus lord etc.

Explain this to your partner and perhaps your MIL too. In hope they learn and accept you.

Differences are not there for point scoring but for learning from each other and become understanding of such differences.

As other mums have said that by doing this you also open doors to your child being asked to partake in religious festivities on receiving religious gifts. It will become a matter of sailing of two ships contradictory to one another.

At the end of my ramblings from my own understanding all I can say is "God knows best'.

Wish you an easier path forward.

It is not true that it means nothing to you. Just because you do not have a religion, therefore live in a framework of no religion, does not mean that the sudden introduction of a religion means nothing to you. You have the right to say that the fact that you want to remain religion free is as valid as someone else having a religion.

I was more or less ambushed into having one of mine christened in Greek Orthodox Church. In the end, it seemed OK to keep in-laws happy. But would put foot down over circumsion. Also, over wedding. It's you getting married, not her.

your mother in law married against her family's wishes - she did what she knew was right for her - how dare she deny your right to do the same

Please, please, please do not give way to a religious wedding to pacify anyone. A person who is truly religious would not want you to do this. And DEFINITELY don't let a unqualified person carry out a medical procedure on your child.

If I were you I would take your time and think through getting married at all.

Your DP is trying to emotionally blackmail you to do what his mother wants for him despite neither of you being religious in any way shape or form.

He cares more about her than you right now.

If he is like this now before marriage and the baby is here I think you could be in for a whole heap of DH problems unless you put the marriage on pause and sort it out before rather than after.

OP?

Do not give in to them. If you do it will lead down a slippery slope for your future. Stand your ground. He is bang out of order and putting his mum first.

A lot of the responses to this thread have quite nasty Islamaphobic undertones and are littered with ignorance. Prejudice is prejudice, no matter how careful and eloquent you are in expressing it.

Setting all that aside though, as a practicing Muslim, who is part of the leadership team in a mosque, I can tell you with certainty that the MIL will struggle to find any Imam to perform the ceremony of two non-Muslims. I do not know of any that would, unless they were lied to.

Yes, Islam is about what you do, your actions are important, but those actions must be supported by your intentions. If the MIL is motivated by a desire to have her son married in the 'eyes of God' then she should know that a nikah ceremony performed without the specific intent which recognises the significance of marriage in Islam, the nikah invalid anyway-hence why an Imam would not agree to such a thing.

I understand that the neither the OP not her partner are Muslims, though Islam is part of his cultural heritage and if that is uncomfortable for her, maybe it is time for the two to sit down and have a frank conversation about this.

A lot of the responses to this thread have quite nasty Islamaphobic undertones and are littered with ignorance. Prejudice is prejudice, no matter how careful and eloquent you are in expressing it

I grew up with nasty undertones and loud overtones about mine and my dm religion - Catholicism, from my DF its allowed you know and in fact vital and critical.

Forgive me if I am repeating anyone but I am Christian so

1. If I baptise my child that makes my child Christian. Is that the same with this ceremony?
2. You are not doing it to make him happy, you are doing it to make MIL happy.
3. If you do just this one thing to make MIL happy where will it stop? "I don't ask much but if you got married in a Mosque it would make me so happy" "if you had another child it would make me so happy" "It would make me so happy if you..."

YANBU to say no.

I would find out more about it and then consider it. Islam is a beautiful religion with lots of lovely traditions. I would agree to think about it, then follow that through and if you still decide against at least you have been kind and considerate of his Mum's feelings and values.

I am not religious at all either but my husbands parents really wanted us to get married in a church. I initially point blank refused but then thought about it more and we did in the end. It felt a little uncomfortable but it felt nice to know that it meant a lot to other people. I really enjoyed the day, even with the pointless praying.

Good post and good point Sam799

Look further ahead - much, much further ahead. Well, until your last breath really. Sorry to have to put it so bluntly. I know of someone (non Muslim) who underwent a Muslim ceremony of sorts during happier times but left the Muslim partner after the relationship had broken down. Fast forward many years later, this person passed away and the imams were demanding that the deceased be excavated from the non-Muslim graveyard to be given a fresh Muslim burial.

Justasecond you followed your comment about Muslim hysteria with a direct quote from me. I cannot see why my post was relevant to your suggestion that this thread was hysterical about Muslims.
There is much documented proof that young boys of many cultures and religions are put through circumcision in a non medical setting. Three boys a week in Birmingham are seen in A&E due to complications from such procedures. One of those a month ends up in intensive care.

The Jewish Council states that "some Mohels are qualified doctors". That simply is not enough. Every person performing surgery on any person should be a doctor. Full stop. The facts are well documented. Boys are and will continue to be mutilated by unqualified persons in inappropriate settings.

say you are not a hypocrite and will not start your married life in a lie. If his mum had things to 'make up for' or repair and repent about her life, then it's up to her to do that, not expect you both to be the vehicle to drive her popularity through her family.
She lived her life her way - you need to live your life your way. Give in to this interference and you will regret it.

No you are not being unreasonable. I'm RC, my now husband is a firm non believer. My DM desperately wanted us to have a church wedding, to the point that even when I had booked the registry office she was still talking to the Priest - yes she did book the church just in case I changed my mind! But it wouldn't have been right, it would have been a sham, like dress up - not an affirmation of our commitment. My DM is a wonderful loving woman, and she did thoroughly enjoy my non religious wedding. Sometimes people get carried away with reliving their dreams/ideas. It's your day, stick to your guns, take no offence and have the wedding of your choosing.
With other religious ceremonies and traditions it can be harder (aka more pressure) when children are born. I made a compromise, my children are not Christened at birth, but do attend church occasionally. If they decide they wish to christened or confirmed at an older age then that is their decision. My DS was christened at the age of 11 his choice. My other children are not christened through their choice. If your Partner wants his children to partake in his heritage this could be an option, they can learn about it but ultimately it will be their choice? And there will be no pushing them one way or the other.

Let's see.

I am not a Zoroastrian.
DH is not a Zoroastrian.
DS is not a Zoroastrian.

Shall we have a Zoroastrian ceremony depending on the fact that 25% of DS's ancestry is Zoroastrian?

No.

An Islamic wedding is an institution which deeply sexist and inherently hostile to women. That should be reason enough to refuse.

You don't go into marriage expecting to divorce but with a civil marriage you know the option is there and your rights are equal to your husband's.

Women cannot get an Islamic divorce without approval from a Sharia court (unlike men who don't need it) and can also be married off by male family members while not actually present. Sharia courts may decline to offer a divorce unless the women gives up custody of children or agrees not to make any financial claim. They may simply refuse to grant a divorce full-stop. Wives are expected to be sexually available at all times and domestic abuse against women is also is permitted under Sharia.

I'm not saying your will be subject to these kind of abuses but I think it's reason enough to take a stand and refuse to participate in this misogynistic institution.

thingy there are no sharia courts in the uk who would rule like that - we have been told they are shallow - light weight councils now, who would provide light weight minimal council and of course - its by the by as the UK has laws. Sharia is not recognised here.

I don't think anyone should have a religious ceremony if they don't believe in it. I had a Christian first wedding although I was not baptised not christened and was not a churchgoer and did not follow any specific religion.

Luckily for me there were no conscience issues later on but I wouldn't do anything like that again and I didn't do it to please anyone else I just liked the idea of getting married in that specific chapel because it was pretty.

But I am older, wiser and less shallow these days and would never take such a step lightly. Not in any religion whichever one it might be.

I think being pressured to please older relatives is definitely a slippery slope. If your future mother-in-law was prepared to go against her family to marry against their preferences then your future husband should show you the same level of love as she did for his father and be prepared to go against his mother to marry you against her preferences.

If he makes this into a big thing then maybe you need to re-evaluate the situation entirely.

I converted to Islam and we had a Muslim ceremony 25 years ago when we got married. As far as I know, (we're not that religious) people who are not Muslim would not have a Muslim wedding, that's just odd. Also if you give in on this, she'll be interfering with the baby all the time, she'll want to shave it's head after a week, get it circumcised if uts a boy, take it to mosque etc

I don't think it matters that the ceremony would be Islamic. I would feel the same no matter what the actual issue was. If you don't want it then don't do it, and be very careful about marrying a man who cares so little about your wishes for your own wedding day.