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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO to an Islamic wedding?

440 replies

user1472724168 · 01/09/2016 11:21

Sorry about the USER 1 TRILLION AND 68..

I have created a new account as I cannot remember my account details for my main account. I am a regular user but did not want this linked to my main account.
I have been with DP for 5 years. We are expecting our first baby in December and we have been engaged for 1 year. We decided not to get married until we had a new larger property which is fine.
DP’s mum and dad are from different religions, his mum is a Muslim and she was shunned from her family when marrying her husband. My DP and his siblings were christened but raised with no religion. I was raised with no religion.
Once the older family members of DP’s mum passed away she slowly was accepted into the family again. She now practices Islam and fasts, celebrates EID etc.
When we first announced the pregnancy she mentioned us having an Islamic ceremony. Myself and DP both said no- end of conversation.

Last night his mum asks us both if we would do this ceremony, that she doesn’t ask anything of us and this will make her happy. I said no immediately whereas DP said no then when he was told it would be a 10 min thing and would not take much effort I could see he was thinking about it.

Once we got home he asked me and I said no and it’s not up for discussion. He asked me why not and I said no I am not religious, have no interest in Islam and I do not need a reason tbh. He said he wasn’t interested but it would make his mum happy. I said that I will make him happy if it was something he genuinely wanted but I am not in a relationship with his mum and do not need to make her happy.

We argued where he said that it means a lot to his mum, but nothing to me and would not affect my life in any way. He looked pissed off and said that I should not say I would do anything for him if that wasn’t true..
He is not religious at all and doesn’t care but from my point it will make his mum look more respectable in her community. AIBU to say no?

I am upset this morning and it is difficult to conversate with him about it as really I have no reason not to do it apart from I am not interested in Islam!!

OP posts:
AmyH05 · 02/09/2016 18:30

You mist say No. If you say Yes then you are being controlled and there will definitely be other religious ceremonies. If you say Yes. They will throw it back in your face and say you agreed to other religious ceremonies. You must keep yourself happy first. Your partner is not religious and you are a christian. This is how it all begins!!!

moreginrequired · 02/09/2016 18:34

I can see both sides tbh. What I would say is surely it's more disrespectful to a religion to make false promises to God than to not go to church in the first place. I'm not christened as mum knew dad wouldn't fulfil an sob ligation to take me to church, that is at least the way I would sell it to husband and his mother... Good luck and congratulations on the baby xxx

Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2016 18:39

Mermaid You said "Most men remember having it done" do you mean that or most men do not remember having it done?

GDarling · 02/09/2016 18:43

Do you think that this will be a thorn in yr marriage later on?? I do know a couple of friends who have a partner of a different (staunch) religion, both women refused to marry in the end, only because the men's families tried to barge in and take over, do you think that you will have a long happy marriage? They are a determined lot, so this won't be the end of it, remember in a few religions a woman does as she is told by the husbands family, it's the norm for them, it's not a good idea to get into something that might/will develop into constant conflict!! Happy times!!

impossible · 02/09/2016 18:46

So your DP's mum chose to marry a non muslim - and despite pressure from her family stuck to what she believed. A generation on she is pressurising you and your DP to have a wedding ceremony which goes totally against your beliefs. She is being completely unreasonable! Stick to what you believe.

Tell her it would be hypocritical for you to have this ceremony and you would feel dishonest. Remind her that she and your FIL chose their own path when they married and you and your DP will do the same. You are building a non religious family.

Also remember that if you go along with any of this you will raise expectations regarding future religious ceremonies, eg the circumcision. (Incidentally was your DP circumcised or did she avoid the pressure to do that when he was born?) Don't let her use your family to do the things she chose not to do with her own family. Put your foot down now so she can stop thinking she might persuade you re these matters.

Fannydoesit · 02/09/2016 18:47

Stand your ground OP. He should be able to respect your decision on this. If it made her happy for you to convert to Islam, would he ask you to do it?

Notquitewhatiexpected · 02/09/2016 18:49

It's for his mum, not for you or partner. He's only thinking of his mum, which is lovely but he now needs to consider your feelings above hers. Say no. He'll get over it as will she.

mermaid8 · 02/09/2016 18:50

Italiangreyhound Yes I meant what I said, although perhaps I should have said men that I personally know. As I said it's usually done around 6 years of age and is obviously a pretty memorable event. Wealthy families sometimes have parties that go on for 3 days.

Ericaequites · 02/09/2016 18:53

I would have my son circumcised by a doctor because it cuts down on STDs for him and cervical cancer for his wife. I've never seen an uncircumised man or boy in real life. That has nothing to do with religion.

Ericaequites · 02/09/2016 18:54

I mean when he is a tiny baby.

Haffdonga · 02/09/2016 18:57

No.

Because this is your wedding and marriage not hers.

(I don't know enough about Islam to know what the options are but if she wants to acknowledge your wedding in her own faith perhaps she could carry out her own blessing , ceremony or prayers or talk to her mosque leaders to do so, to bless her as 'mother of the groom' somehow?)

user1469300540 · 02/09/2016 18:58

I do think you have a genuine reason. Don't doubt yourself.

I wanted a church wedding but my DH is a complete atheist and said no. He sat me down and simply said "I can't marry you in a church. It's too hypocritical. Who am I to marry you in front of something that I don't believe in. I don't want to feel like a huge hypocrit on our wedding day and feel hugely uncomfortable." I suddenly understood where he was coming from. That he would feel uncomfortable and out of place on the most special day of relationship. Can you try something like that?

neveradullmoment99 · 02/09/2016 19:01

Circumcision crikey!!!! Runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...............................................

RichardBucket · 02/09/2016 19:03

Ericaequites or you could teach your son how to wash his penis. I know I would rather do that than slice bits off him, because I'm not a psychopath.

Haffdonga · 02/09/2016 19:06

Ericaequites

The shapes and styles of penises that you have intimate knowledge of hold absolutely zero relevance to OP's initial query.

FWIW dh comes from a culture that ritually circumcises all males so we were not strongly anti but didn't have it done on our boys. As it happens DS actually had foreskin issues as a small child and his consultant was one of the leading experts in the UK. He strongly advised against on health grounds.

riceuten · 02/09/2016 19:08

I would refuse a Christian wedding as I am not a Christian. Likewise Islamic. Not because I am an Islamophobe, but because I am not religious

BlancheBlue · 02/09/2016 19:09

erica you have never seen an uncircumcised boy so you think every boy is and should be circumcised? Projection of the day there Hmm

turquoisetoad · 02/09/2016 19:19

Stand your ground. Religious belief is such a personal thing and you shouldn't partake in a ceremony just to keep a relation happy. I had similar pressure from my MIL about getting out 4DC christened. DH and I are not religious and do not attend church so why would we want to christen our kids? It would have been a meaningless, hugely hypocritical gesture and would have felt like a great big lie. In desperation MIL even sent me DH's rather hideous 1970s polyester Christening gown as a hint. It had discoloured with age. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/09/2016 19:21

I'm of the view that if it doesn't cause you any harm why not

Up to a point yes - but given that OP said no, and that her OH then started to steamroller her to the point where it's difficult for her to discuss this with him, doesn't this suggest possible coercion leading to potential harm in future? Surely it's sensible not only to deal with harm when/if it happens, but to take care if it's being signposted beforehand?

justgivemeamo · 02/09/2016 19:22

The shapes and styles of penises that you have intimate knowledge of hold absolutely zero relevance to OP's initial query

Grin
MsJudgemental · 02/09/2016 19:39

Just say no. No to the Islamic wedding and definitely no to genital mutilation of your baby. And Erica, I've seen a few penises in my time and never a circumcised one in real life. It is not the norm in Europe.

Janey50 · 02/09/2016 19:39

HateSummer - however if he was muslim I would not have got into a relationship with him - maybe because the vast majority of muslim men wouldn't consider having a relationship with a non-muslim woman in the first place?!

elenafrancesca · 02/09/2016 19:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 02/09/2016 19:44

So both you and DP have been christened (stated in your OP) - would you even be allowed to have an Islamic ceremony, without some sort of conversion back to Islam first? Surely the person who does the ceremony would expect that at least one of you was in some sense Muslim?!

gemma19846 · 02/09/2016 19:53

Why would you have an Islamic wedding if neither of you are Muslim? My oh is Hindu and im Christian although neither of us are very religious. I wouldnt have a big Hindu wedding as its not what i believe in so it seems even stranger that theyd expect you to have an Islamic wedding when neither of you are Muslims