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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP messing around at meal times

185 replies

Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 11:21

I can't decide whether I'm being irrational but this irritates the shit out of me. Whenever we sit down to eat, he spends at least 5-10 minutes messing about. Goes to the loo, replies to text messages, checks the sports news, while I sit there, staring at his meal while it goes cold, wanting to punch him in the face.

I consider myself quite relaxed most of the time, but this makes me fume. He says its like he's a child being forced to sit at the table.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 31/08/2016 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 22:05

The issue with dp (well, one of them) is that the more of an issue I make of it, the less he is likely to do what I want. So I need to deploy a slightly more subtle tactic than chasing him with knives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 22:05

The issue with dp (well, one of them) is that the more of an issue I make of it, the less he is likely to do what I want. So I need to deploy a slightly more subtle tactic than chasing him with knives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 22:05

This bloody phone...

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 31/08/2016 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolpertinger · 31/08/2016 22:12

I had a faffer. I have more or less solved it by - having a heart to heart about how him wandering off just as dinner was served made me feel about cooking, his perspective was I didn't say it was ready, we both thought 'ready' meant different things.

I meant 'I have obviously been cooking for half an hour and dinner is now ready to be eaten straightaway, why haven't you laid the table, why are are you now going to the loo, you are in my fucking way?'

He meant 'There is time for an extra 20 minutes faffing'. In fairness to him, observing his parents, this was the meaning of 'ready' in their house.

So I now give him a few minutes warning, he knows laying the table is his job, we always eat at the table, I am more chilled about why he stuffs up.

Arfarfanarf · 31/08/2016 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabFiveFreddie · 31/08/2016 22:24

I know someone who does this, x100 now they have kids. His DW is a saint for putting up with it.

Personally I think that it's because he's so busy during the day, mentally, that the time when everything is ordered and calm (food and wife and kids all corralled around the table) is his time to think a single, uninterrupted and complete thought. He doesn't mind eating cold food to have this.

We see faffing. He sees some space and leave from other people.

Topseyt · 01/09/2016 01:38

My DH is the same. It used to irritate me badly but now we just all get on and tuck in without him whilst he carries out the rituals of faffeur extraordinaire.

Apparently "dinner's ready" appears to mean "go to the toilet" amongst other things.

FurryLittleTwerp · 01/09/2016 07:47

Another thing my DH used to do was eat nearly all of his dinner, then wander off to do something, insisting he hasn't finished. After the clearing up had finished he'd coms back, eat one more mouthful & then say "I've had enough" Confused Hmm Angry

He doesn't do it now - I started chucking it out before he came back.

barefootinkitchen · 01/09/2016 11:39

Mine does it too. I set the table , food in serving dishes etc and don't want to start serving myself until he's seated. But he's down the other end of the room , selecting the right music for the meal. For Ages. Actually I might be waiting for the' ooh this looks nice' before we begin, so am get annoyed waiting.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/09/2016 12:07

My ex did this too. When I eventually asked him why we always had to be late leaving the house, late eating, late to the cinema, why he had to check Facebook when we were due to leave etc...he told me it was control. If he felt out of control of a situation he could reassert that control by making sure nobody could leave/eat/watch a film until he was ready.

But then. we have cats and dogs. Leave a meal sitting around for too long and a cat or dog (or sometimes both) have climbed up on the table and got it. Lots of meals got eaten by animals because I refused to put it back in the oven once it was on the table, if he couldn't be bothered to turn up for it. (Plus, there's a lovely passive aggressive 'lift' that you get, when you see your faffing other half sit down and tuck into a meal that you know the cat has already licked the gravy off. PS, he didn't die of that, he was a general dick, that's why he's an ex)

Mermaidsandbutterflies · 01/09/2016 16:01

yep this drives me nuts too! My OH waits until I put dinner on the table to then prepare some buttered bread, make some drinks, chop up some salad when I've asked him 15 minutes ago to do all that. So I'm sat there waiting for him to finish faffing and sat down before I start mine.

He will also quite often ask "how long will dinner be" I will say I'm just about to serve it to which he says hes going to ring his DC and then spends 20 minutes on the phone ffs.

every..single..night...

AVY1 · 01/09/2016 16:24

I hadn't even realised my DH did this until I read this thread! He ALWAYS disappears when I say dinner is ready and I'm left juggling cooking, carrying drinks, cutlery etc. How have I never noticed? He's always massively hungry too so it makes no sense!

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 01/09/2016 16:28

I am just so pleased we're all in this together.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/09/2016 16:34

What do you do when you are finished your meal? Do you stay and keep him company as he eats? I wouldn't, if I'd been made to eat alone. I'd get up and go somewhere else to do something else.

georgiegirl · 01/09/2016 17:28

OMG. Just discovered this thread and am god-smacked because this is exactly what my DP does before meals. He's a great cook and goes to great lengths to make perfect dishes. He serves them then spends about 5 minutes turning off lights/wiping surfaces/sorting things out. I've puzzled over why he does this....after all, it ruins the food because it goes cold, and is weird for the people who are forced to sit in front of their plate while this goes on. I've decided that it's some sort of unconscious control mechanism. I've decided to ignore it...but I'm sure a psychoanalyst would have alot to say about it!

Katherine2626 · 01/09/2016 17:40

I have an OH who, when he saw me actually putting the food for the evening meal on the plates, always seemed to disappear . I then had to call - several times - as he was invariably down the end of the garden/on the phone/in the bathroom/on the computer. He would then reappear, and I would say something to the effect of why did he always walk away at the point when the food was almost ready to pick up and take to the table? ( This also happened at breakfast time when we would have some silly business with his suddenly needing to let the cat in or out and leaving the door open so that my toast got cold) There was never a satisfactory outcome for this, so after a while I got so fed up with this pointless routine that I would call - once - and then take my meal to the table and start to eat. When he finally appeared his food was half cold. He looked annoyed but didn't say anything. It doesn't happen half so often now, and I think it was simply that he couldn't see how annoying it was for me to keep calling him and waiting. When he ended up with cold food which was eaten alone it made him think twice and be a bit more considerate.

BodsAuntieFlo · 01/09/2016 17:47

I wouldn't put up with cooking for someone for them to faff around, it's rude. My DD'd DP tried to make us all wait twice, the first time we were all polite and waited, the second time his plate was removed from the table, his cutlery cleared and we ate without him. When he eventually stopped arsing around on his phone he came into the dining room to no place setting and no plate I put my cutlery down, looked at him and said "if you wish to eat with us please be seated when I'm serving, otherwise, don't bother coming to our table late, that's NOT how we do things in this house" He slunk out and has never been late to the table again. I don't know why everyone on here puts up with it.

Shona52 · 01/09/2016 17:49

Put it in the bin and say next time have the manners to come and sit with me and eat as a family.

My DH would never been so rude. If you go to the effort of cooking the least people can do is come to the table and eat when it's ready.

NemosMum21 · 01/09/2016 17:59

Is he the same with anything else, e.g. sex? No need to answer that, of course, but I think it would show whether he's just a faffer by nature or if he's just making a passive-aggressive gesture.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 01/09/2016 18:09

No issues with our sex life. Although interestingly, he isn't fond of a quickie Hmm

OP posts:
Augustbaby22 · 01/09/2016 18:11

Get a dog I suggest a Labrador as there main purpose in life is food, tell him his dinner is ready, put the tray on the sofa and watch in amusement as he tries to beat the dog to his dinner

Craigie · 01/09/2016 18:44

Give him a 5 minute warning that dinner will be on the table. If he doesn't show up, chuck it in the bin. He'll soon take the hint. Works well for kids too.

GreatAuntMary · 01/09/2016 18:53

When I first left home and shared places with other people, taking it in turns to cook with them, I found I was a dyed in the wool faffer - because it was strongly pointed out to me. On talking it over with various of these people, I realised it was because my parents had always taken mealtimes as an opportunity to bring up my failings as a daughter, and discuss them (in front of my younger, but more favoured, brother). It was horrible, so I hated mealtimes. When I went away to school at eleven, I was underweight and was having difficulty eating meals.

After realising what was going on, I abolished dining tables when I started living with BFs. We always ate (still do) from trays on our knees and, if we're not talking, we read or watch a film. I stopped faffing and started enjoying my meals.

Strangely, I've always been strict on faffing by partners(!) and, when I've given the 'five minute warning', expect to hear sounds of preparation for appearing for the meal. I take huge trouble about meals (cooking from scratch and presenting everything well) because I want people to enjoy eating - knowing how miserable dining can otherwise be.

So I think, as other posters have raised, this faffing thing can be started long before a partnership forms. Definitely worth an in-depth discussion.