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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP messing around at meal times

185 replies

Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 11:21

I can't decide whether I'm being irrational but this irritates the shit out of me. Whenever we sit down to eat, he spends at least 5-10 minutes messing about. Goes to the loo, replies to text messages, checks the sports news, while I sit there, staring at his meal while it goes cold, wanting to punch him in the face.

I consider myself quite relaxed most of the time, but this makes me fume. He says its like he's a child being forced to sit at the table.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 12:19

I'm enjoying the solidarity regarding this issue, I've never really experienced the faffiness in other relationships!

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Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 12:20

Utter - if you do it as well, can you explain it? Why? WHY?

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HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 31/08/2016 12:25

That would drive me insane. When I call people to the table, they turn up. Faffing would be met with a death glare. Faffing followed by "well, it's not very hot" would be justification for murder.

TBH I'd stop serving his food. Make it, yes, but leave it in the oven/pan.

OliviaStabler · 31/08/2016 12:25

Don't dish up until he is sat at the table ready.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 31/08/2016 12:25

If you're sat watching TV eating from a tray then it's obviously not a formal situation - just get on with eating and let his go cold.

I always give a 5 minute warning for both the kids' and DH's benefit. More often than not I get food on the table and then disappear off to the toilet myself as I've been too busy before then to get round to going.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/08/2016 12:25

"I honestly think he just does it to annoy me. He's fun like that. He wouldn't do it at a friend's house, no."
Then I would not cook for him!

"To be honest, we don't usually sit at the table, we usually prefer a tray on knee situation. Perhaps that's exacerbating the issue."
I think you could be right. On trays, each meal is 'separate', on a table they are 'joined'. I would serve to the table for a bit to see what effect it had. If it didn't improve, then, then I would not cook for him!

Buzzardbird · 31/08/2016 12:25

I have a strict 'no gadgets' rule at the table. There are sometimes exceptions, but they are very few and far between.

It is the height of rudeness to not sit down and (other than conversation with you and others at the table) give your full attention to the meal someone has taken the time to cook.

Try faffing around with your phone/tv when he is wanting your full attention (like in bed) see how he likes it.

starsinyourpies · 31/08/2016 12:29

Sit down, eat yours. Leave his and leave him the washing up. Mine is the same, and can spend an hour in the loo!!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 31/08/2016 12:29

I watched my DM go through this with DF. She's say 'dinner will be ready in 10 minutes' then he'd go to potter in his garage. She'd serve dinner then send me to get him. We'd sit down. He still wouldn't appear. I'd get sent to tell him again, and repeat indefinitely. It drove me mad!
So when DH and I got together, I made it clear I would tell him once when dinner would be ready. I wouldn't remind him. I wouldn't wait for him and I wouldn't reheat it.

MyFuckingHair · 31/08/2016 12:30

hmm interesting. My DP does this too, even when he's cooked the meal. In fact, ESPECIALLY when he's cooked the meal. I think that there's a hint of martyrdom to it, 'oh no, you eat your meal, I've suddenly got to wash this pan/ light the fire/ feed the animals/ glue this broken thing'.

Like you, my courtesy means that I sit there staring at a meal going cold until he decides that it is time to sit down.

Writing it out like that...it makes it blindingly obvious that it's a domination-based thing actually.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 12:30

I cooked a roast on Sunday, he put his down BY THE OPEN WINDOWS and then went to the toilet.

My blood was boiling. He just rolls his eyes at me.

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AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 31/08/2016 12:32

Show him this thread.
He might realise what an arsehole he's being.
And don't provide food for him any more. Make your own and let him fend for himself.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 12:32

It's very interesting, this thread. I honestly thought it was just him!

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MyFuckingHair · 31/08/2016 12:32

Once, I spent HOURS making a steak and ale pie. When he sat down to eat it, the phone rang. I would have ignored it out of politeness but he answered it and spent the whole meal talking and shoveling my hours of work down his throat. What made it worse was that it was his colleague on the other end who he sees more than he sees me. I could have killed her.

I've rarely been so angry.

LadyMoth · 31/08/2016 12:36

IMO it's passive-aggressive behaviour that deep down is about him seeing you as his parent, and him resisting being "told what to do". Making you wait is way he can take some control and show you he has the power.

Maybe that sounds paranoid or sinister but I say this because I had many years of a relationship with someone like this. Any time I tried to solve a particular problem, and get him to admit it was annoying and unnecessary, he would just find a different avenue for his passive resistance. But it's always something that's not really all that bad, just minor and a bit crap, so you feel unreasonable complaining about it.

I think that's why it makes you so angry - because it's a power play.

PepsiPenguin · 31/08/2016 12:37

Mine does this, it's not to wind me up, it's not to be vile it's just him, he is exactly the same if he cooks Grin serves up and has to do XYZ

I often cook as he is work all day, picking up children whilst I cook, generally shattered (as am I but I am a fat better cook) so i say, DP dinner will be ready in ten minutes I'm going off to dish it up.

He asks if there is anything he can do, will stop doing what ever he is doing to help get in the way sits down and just as I dish up, announces he needs to do XYZ.

trafalgargal · 31/08/2016 12:38

Id have invited the local cats to eat it. He wouldn't have done it a second time.

Really though I think you are a little precious over this when it's an eating off your lap scenario , if it was an eating at the table situation I'd be cross too.

My OH faffs too when cooks he brings mine in to eat on my lap and spends a further 10 minutes faffing in the kitchen before bringing in his (same) meal. I soon learned not to wait for him (and he'd be mortified if I did). It simply isn't on his radar that a lap meal is like having a meal together.

PepsiPenguin · 31/08/2016 12:38

Far better... Am a bit fat at the minute but that's another story lol

shovetheholly · 31/08/2016 12:38

I suggest that you sit him down and talk to him very gently and kindly about how much this upsets you, and how it makes you feel and make sure he 100% understands why this is important to you.

Then, when he lapses back into the habit - and he will after about 2 days - you go into full banshee mode, and throw his dinner out on the lawn and refuse to cook him another.

He will remember after that. Grin

GeorgeTheThird · 31/08/2016 12:40

I wouldn't expect to eat on trays together. I would expect to eat at the table together.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 12:40

I take the point about the lap thing. Table dining is the way forward, definitely worth a try. I really don't think it's about control or passive aggression. He's just an annoying fucker at times.

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BlackeyedSusan · 31/08/2016 12:41

ex was like this. suddenly needed the toilet everytime dinner was served.

he is a faffer too.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 31/08/2016 12:41

i'd lose my raving narna over this...

i'd have thrown the sunday dinner out the window..it would have been the last straw!

bookbook · 31/08/2016 12:41

I am lucky then... or I trained him well :) we sit at the table though...
But he does faff when we are going out - usually as I am about to go out of the front door, he looks at his glasses and says every time I just need to clean these....-so why didn't he clean them earlier?

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 12:43

Book - DP starting spraying the bath on Saturday night before we went out because he saw a mark in there, and couldn't leave it because 'I've seen it now'. I mean, it's nice that he wants to clean the bath, but for the love of fucking god.

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