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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP messing around at meal times

185 replies

Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 11:21

I can't decide whether I'm being irrational but this irritates the shit out of me. Whenever we sit down to eat, he spends at least 5-10 minutes messing about. Goes to the loo, replies to text messages, checks the sports news, while I sit there, staring at his meal while it goes cold, wanting to punch him in the face.

I consider myself quite relaxed most of the time, but this makes me fume. He says its like he's a child being forced to sit at the table.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 31/08/2016 13:38

I would not cook for someone who can not be bothered to pay me the respect of actually acknowledging the meal I lovingly (or not Wink) cooked for him)

See, it would annoy me.

But I would not be a martyr, quietly seething. I'd simple cook for myself, eat alone. Or not cook at all.

It's a a lack of respect. It is about being taken for granted.

Don't put up with it.

hardheadedwoman · 31/08/2016 13:41

PS I have the opposite problem - people circulating round the table like Hawks before it's ready

willconcern · 31/08/2016 13:42

DonkeyHotay - is your DH a clone of my DP?

I am a bit behind you, but your reaction is basically what I am trying to do at the moment.

I hate being late to meet people in particular, I think it's rude, and is showing a total lack of respect for the person who's waiting for us, as if their time is totally unimportant and of no consequence. It really makes me rage...

scallopsrgreat · 31/08/2016 13:47

My father used to do this. He was a rude, disrespectful nob as well. My mother divorced him.

They know what they are doing. It is a power play. It isn't funny, it is shit and you don't have to put up with it.

metaphoricus · 31/08/2016 13:48

I do this as well. I don't faff for faffings sake, I just go to the loo and then get a drink or something to give the food 5 mins or so to cool a bit. I don't understand all this eating food while it's hot. My DH and his family seem to be able to eat food so hot that it would burn the roof of my mouth. I prefer food just comfortably warm - you can taste it better!
Was once at my pils house and as food was far too hot for me to eat, not having an asbestos gob, I got up to check on the sleeping babies (mostly to give dinner a chance to cool).
When I got back mil had put it in the oven - so then I had to sit another five minutes while it cooled down again - explaining to all why I had disappeared in such an apparently rude manner. I don't think they really believed me as mil continues to be irritated when I don't eat immediately.
But I honestly just can't enjoy food if it's too hot for comfort.

Sara107 · 31/08/2016 13:52

I have a similar situation, it bugs me a lot. I make the meal and I think it basic manners to come to table when it's ready. lts not like it's a complete surprise, we have regular meal times and he knows I'm cooking and I provide 5 minute warnings for dD. I was brought up with quite formal table manners, and being late to table was not acceptable, particularly as nobody could start until everyone was seated. And so it annoys me no end when I am sitting waiting for him to get off his arse while my food goes cold. I am also annoyed by the bringing of the bloody phone to the table so he ignores me and does Twitter for the whole meal. He then just walks off without helping to tidy away, or wait until I'm finished eating. I am reluctant to complain as we come from very different backgrounds but I find it rude and disrespectful. I coach dD on what I expect from her in terms of manners, but I notice that her visiting friends don't seem familiar with these rules either so maybe I'm unreasonable.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 31/08/2016 13:53

Stand up, grab his plate and take his dinner away from the table. He'll ask why, you tell him to bloody well eat it now or you'll throw it in the bin - he will probably decide to co-operate.

If you can take the trouble to get his dinner on the table on time he can take the trouble to eat it. He'll maybe sulk a bit - do you want to eat in silence until he gets the message? He can play on his phone after dinner.

fourquenelles · 31/08/2016 13:54

Take a leaf out of the late, great DJ John Peel's wife. He was a dinner toilet faffer too so she started to put his plate of food on top of the loo seat and then call him. I did this to my late DH once too; he thought is was hilarious and he stopped the toilet nonsense so it may work.

Fontella · 31/08/2016 14:13

My ex used to do this and is one (of many) reasons why he's an ex.

He'd be floating around until the moment I got the food on the table and then he was nowhere to be found. Used to drive me absolutely nuts. I'd be calling, and it would be 'just a minute ...' 'just doing' ... this or that ... or any thing other than being at the fucking table.

One Christmas we had his parents staying and I cooked this magnificent roast. Same thing - him and his father around and under my feet - his old man insisting on peeling the spuds and talking an age to do it and blocking up my sink and taking up half the kitchen in the process. His (down trodden) mother all timid and meekly asking 'can I help?' with me reassuring her that I was fine and she should sit, relax and have a sherry, and willing ex's father to get the fuck out of my kitchen. Then when it came to getting all the dishes to table and calling 'dinner's ready' neither the ex or his father were to be found and when they eventually did arrive their dinner was stone cold - so they were microwaving it. 'He always does this' she sighed, and I thought 'yeah and so does your arsehole son.'

A chip off the old block if ever there was one. I looked at ex's Mum, and imagined myself being her in a few years' time. Nope, not for me.

Mix56 · 31/08/2016 14:17

I am assuming he is not incontinent, how can he always need to piss just before his dinner, or is it something his mummy used to tell him to do ?.

I would say, I am serving dinner in 5 minutes on the table, if you aren't there to eat it, it is going in the bin. & in the future I will cook but not serve, I will also not require any conversation, any interaction, I will read fb & spend my evening as if I am alone, because infact, I am. & you can also go & sleep in the kid's bedroom.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 14:20

Thanks for all the responses, and although some of them are a little OTT, I will employ a variety of them and see how I get on.

I'll just dump him if he doesn't pack it in Hmm

OP posts:
butterfliesandzebras · 31/08/2016 14:24

My DH does this. Even when I warn him 5 mins ahead of time he waits till the food is in front of him then goes to the toilet/gets a new glass of water/goes to get his pills/plays with the radio/etc.

He also does it if he's the one cooking. I.e. brinngs my plate of food to the table then disappears off faffing for a while before eventually returning for his plate of food from the kitchen. Often if his faffing takes him back and forth through the room I'm sitting in he will say things like 'tuck in' or 'dont let it go cold'.

I've tried to explain that for me 'eating with someone' actually means both eating at the same time, and he is good about getting his faffing done early for a few days... then it slides again...

I've taken to leaving a novel by the table so I can sit and read til he's actually ready to eat, as it's the only way my blood doesn't boil.

FurryLittleTwerp · 31/08/2016 14:37

I know why mine does it - he reckons it's because he's at the beck call of people all day long & he can't stand being made to keep to a timetable at home - except I always ask him in advance what time he'd like to eat & make the food for that time. This isn't the reason - it's a power/control thin - same as deliberately being late for everything & making everyone else late for things. I'm sick to death of being the last into breakfast in every hotel we stay in - he insists I wait & go with him, not go ahead in good time by myself.

Despite several warnings about how much time left before the meal he is almost always late, although the amount of lateness has reduced since DS & I just started tucking in & leaving his to go cold.

It drives me fucking spare. Not as if I can retaliate, as he never does any cooking at all.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 14:42

That's really interesting, my dp has his own business and does spend most days running around after people.

OP posts:
Eolian · 31/08/2016 14:46

Yy to it being a power play. He's trying to show you that his time is more important than yours and that you should therefore operate to his schedule, not the other way around. You can probably train him out of it, but why bother? I wouldn't want to be with somebody who was constantly trying to assert his importance over mine.

DonkeyHotay · 31/08/2016 16:49

Willconcern, I feel your pain if we have clone dhs. He just doesn't think of late the same way I do. If it takes 15 mins to get somewhere, I might leave 25 mins before. He'll leave about 5 and his arrival times are windows of opportunities, even film time and planes. Pil are ridiculously early for everything and have a very rigid timetable. He's clearly still rebelling, despite not having lived at the family home for 20 years.

I like food hot, he likes it warm. I still think he should come at the time agreed and after a 5 minute warning he could faff getting everyone drinks and setting the table.

Hearing "dinner in five" brings a Pavlovian response response to make room for food by having a wee (after 5 minutes have past obvs). It's a ritualistic comfort thing.

Crunchymum · 31/08/2016 16:55

I am the main cook and I cook to suit me and the kids. If DP isn't hungry he has it later -cold.

Kids eat pretty early and we rarely all eat together but we always make sure at least one of us sits at the table with them usually with a cuppa if it's too early for out dinner

I quite like eating alone. It's often the only 10 minutes of peace I get Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2016 16:59

ExH did this. With him it was very clearly that his time was important and mine wasn't. Now I have a DH who hovers, hoovers then washes up. Grin

SockQueen · 31/08/2016 17:08

metaphoricus how about you sit down and make conversation with the people who've gone to the trouble of preparing a nice meal for you? Then in a few minutes you can start eating without offending anyone. You might think you're "not faffing for faffing's sake" but disappearing away from the dinner table is pretty rude unless there's some kind of emergency - which failing to use the toilet beforehand is not.

WindPowerRanger · 31/08/2016 17:21

My DH usually arrives at the table on time (now). However, he gets up as soon as he has finished eating and wanders off to do something. Okay, it is normally some tidying e.g. loading the dishwasher, but I do get annoyed by it. I have told him it is a bad example for the children and not especially friendly. He improves for a while then lapses. What can I say, he had an upbringing that was short on manners and consideration.

LucyFuckingPevensie · 31/08/2016 17:22

My fil does this, with him it is a power play thing.
I've cooked and served a dinner, gave everyone plenty of warning and everyone else sits down apart form him. He doesn't want to, he wants to stand in the kitchen drinking beer, he even says "no, I don't want to" with a sulky tone, if I ask him if he wants to join us at the table. Then he sulks if we eat with out him.
I don't know your DH, so don't know why he does it, but I think it's really bloody rude. Especially if he does it to wind you up, that would really fuck me off.
I don't mind a bit of banter, practical jokes and horse play, in fact I love that kind of thing. Deliberately annoying me everyday is different.
I would be planning on annoying him back.

emotionsecho · 31/08/2016 18:09

metaphoricus that is rude behaviour as SockQueen said can't you just be polite and sit at the table?

I like my food steaming hot (if it is meant to be hot!) and eat quickly, my dh likes his food cooler and eats slowly but he wouldn't dream of being so bad mannered as to get up from the table and wander off leaving me and family/guests sitting there, likewise I wouldn't dream of getting up and wandering off before he and others had finished eating.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 18:19

I also prefer my food piping hot, I don't do lukewarm.

OP posts:
sophiestew · 31/08/2016 18:37

I agree it's a power thing. It would make my blood boil.

I wouldn't cook for him any more if he kept doing this. Bloody rude.

DoreenLethal · 31/08/2016 18:58

I vote you put it on the toilet like Sheila did. That woman is awesome.