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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP messing around at meal times

185 replies

Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 11:21

I can't decide whether I'm being irrational but this irritates the shit out of me. Whenever we sit down to eat, he spends at least 5-10 minutes messing about. Goes to the loo, replies to text messages, checks the sports news, while I sit there, staring at his meal while it goes cold, wanting to punch him in the face.

I consider myself quite relaxed most of the time, but this makes me fume. He says its like he's a child being forced to sit at the table.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 31/08/2016 12:44

Do these people come from homes where they didn't eat at the table?

OrlandaFuriosa · 31/08/2016 12:49

It's bloody rude.

But v usual.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 12:50

At least it's not just me. I feel better for that.

OP posts:
PepsiPenguin · 31/08/2016 12:51

Mine doesn't come from a home where they don't eat at the table quite the opposite, I think his thoughts are that we are going to sit down for a nice meal and he wouldn't want to have to get up half way through to do these "things" once at the table he doesn't move except to get extra drinks usually for me or something somebody wants.

So not a PA action on his part in my case Smile anyway.

Letmesleepalready · 31/08/2016 12:53

My DF does this, drives my DM mad, especially as she doesn't like cooking in the first place. And she gives him the 5 minutes warning, but if the food isn't on the table when he gets there, he goes off again to do something else. I'd eat alone if DH did that, but my DF would definitely be annoyed if my DM did that. She can't win with this issue.

plominoagain · 31/08/2016 12:55

DH used to do this , when everyone else was sitting at the table . In the end , I lost patience . Instead of leaving it on the side , I put it at his place I the table , and everyone else got on with eating . After the third time he'd faffed about for ten minutes , then got to the table to find the greyhound had eaten it , it shortened his faffing activities considerably . Now he's first there .

MLGs · 31/08/2016 12:55

Very rude of him imo. Going to the loo is fine but the rest is rude.

People should really be at the table before the food goes on it.

Five minute warning is a good idea. That gives him time to get into place before food is ready. And obviously he should give you same warning.

Buzzardbird · 31/08/2016 12:58

That's interesting Pepsi, but then he isn't moving once sat down so doesn't sound too bad?

Sometimes I am guilty of quickly throwing everything in the dishwasher and tidying a little bit because I can't enjoy my meal looking at mess (if we are eating in the kitchen).

It's the tv/phone bit that would wind me up the most.

GoblinLittleOwl · 31/08/2016 12:58

If he continues to behave as a child, treat him like one: the food goes in the bin if he is not seated at the table when it is served. Followed by the phone.

emotionsecho · 31/08/2016 12:59

Sorry, OP, I still think his behaviour is rude and disrespectful and if he wouldn't behave like that towards anyone else because he knows it's rude why does he do so with you?

Buzzardbird · 31/08/2016 12:59

Owl is on my wavelength, us birds of prey are very stern. Grin

DixieWishbone · 31/08/2016 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 31/08/2016 13:02

Maybe he doesn't behave like that with other people because being a dinner guest is a completely different kettle of formality?

The more posts I read, the more I'm on his side.

If you can't go for a piss in your own home without someone wanting to punch you or bin your phone, then what can you do eh?!

Scarydinosaurs · 31/08/2016 13:03

I think if you're not sat at a table, then you don't have a point. On the few occasions we don't sit at the table, I wouldn't think to wait for my DH. Sitting on the sofa isn't the same as eating at a table.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 13:06

I totally accept that I have contributed slightly to it with the lap thing.

OP posts:
LittleBeautyBelle · 31/08/2016 13:09

Trifleorbust
I think if someone cooks a meal for you, it is common courtesy to sit down and eat it when it's ready.

This. He is very rude. It is basic respect to sit down at the table as soon as it's ready and eat it while it's hot. The cook spent time and energy and care in preparing the meal. It is so rude for your dh to take his sweet time getting to the table while the food goes cold. This is a huge pet peeve for me.

When whoever is cooking says the meal is ready, get to the table right away. It is so disrespectful to be told dinner's ready and then just continue sitting around messing about with gadgets or finishing tv show or whatever.

elfycat · 31/08/2016 13:11

I remember Dh about to go off and do a task just as I strained the potatoes. The whole dinner ended up in the sink and I flounced.

Came back 10 mins later. He'd taken everything out of the sink (clean enough to eat out of luckiy) and 'rescued it'. He was just remaking gravy. It's not been mentioned, but he doesn't tend to try to squeeze in one last task.

Now we have DDs I ask him to help me get the table ready, serve, and chivvy the kids to the table. That last one is almost exclusively his job revenge is sweet

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 31/08/2016 13:11

I agree with you Belle, that's why it annoys me so much.

OP posts:
Astoria797 · 31/08/2016 13:14

YANBU. Husband used to do this & so I implemented the 5 minute room. If he's not at the table ready to eat within 5 minutes of my calling him, the dinner (plus leftovers) gets packed away & frozen or fed to the next door neighbours dog who practically lives in my garden depending on how charitable I'm feeling.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 31/08/2016 13:19

I may be a passive aggressive fucker when people are rude after I've put time and effort into cooking. DC never misses a meal now after eating cold food just twice (busy gaming Angry ) and mother tells the tale of the time I gave her a pot noodle because she fucked off into the garden to make a phone call for 20 fucking minutes when I said dinner was ready.

ample · 31/08/2016 13:21

Faffers Angry, at mealtimes or any other.
YANBU. He is acting like a child and needs to be forced to sit at the table.

I would make a meal (*optional) and stick it in the oven to shrivel and dry
Or not make any at all. It doesn't appear he wants your company at meal times. I would take care of myself.

alltouchedout · 31/08/2016 13:25

I wouldn't plate up for him if dh did this all the time. Cook it, yes, but then just serve myself and the dc and leave him to serve himself whenever he could be arsed to stop faffing. If he whined about that I'd do the confused thing- "what? I thought you hated it when I tried to make you have tea before you were ready?"

hardheadedwoman · 31/08/2016 13:28

My dad used to do this much to my mum's annoyance. She used to call it his disappearing act

PepsiPenguin · 31/08/2016 13:33

buzzard he really is not doing it (in my case) to be annoying it's usually to go to the loo and think it is a case of wanting to give attention can't think of a better word when we're sat eating and he is the same if he cooks.

Sitting at the table is a regular occurance for us, its a time to give everyone undivided attention with no distractions of anything else.

DP runs his own business where it could be the case (if he let it) that he would never stop working someone always need something, so once sat at a table phones are away and it's undivided family time with no distractions so I think it's also a case of having to check the world isn't ending so that he can relax a bit more.

But I can see that some people would do it to be very annoying and that's very different - just wanted to give a view that it might always be PA.

DonkeyHotay · 31/08/2016 13:36

YANBU.

I have a faffer here too, both at mealtimes and going out. I talked about it with him when I wasn't annoyed. I told him how much it boiled my piss to be kept waiting and that I don't like to eat alone. I accept that he needs to faff but am not willing to put up with an impact on me. When I'm cooking I check what time is best for dinner and give a five minute warning. If he starts farting about, I just dish up for DS and I. I pack everything else up as leftovers. First few times DH asked me to plate up for him. I won't.

It's habitual, if we plan to go out I agree a time. I'm over leaving for the cinema late and getting there when the film is just starting (if we're lucky) . I'll say 'after x I'm not going' or 'I'm leaving after x'.

I truly don't get annoyed anymore. I just get on around him. I'm an early bird and he's a night owl. We have different concepts of time. As he knows what bothers me, I'd he still does it he has to put up with my reaction.