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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

289 replies

Step0 · 31/08/2016 10:32

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

OP posts:
Cubtrouble · 01/09/2016 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

doing · 01/09/2016 17:28

As for only having one bike, one tablet, one scooter etc.... how big are people's cars?

I'd be fucked off if I transported all that to and fro every week and it wasn't even used. What about the barbies and the Lego? Where does it end?

The kids have two homes, two wardrobes, two sets of clothes and two sets of toys. Which as they had the misfortune of going through divorce, I see as a silver lining for them.

doing · 01/09/2016 17:29

Spot the undivorced Smile

deVelvet · 01/09/2016 17:30

Talking my language doing Smile

elliehopemum · 01/09/2016 17:44

I get what your saying my DD goes to her dads every other weekend she wears clothes I send her in ( which are just nice normal clothes Next/ Asda/Primark doesn't matter to me as long as they are nice - she then wears clothes they have bought for her and comes home in what I sent for her. It's really not an issue most of the time however I once sent her in a party dress which shed worn to a school party and it didn't come back for over 3 weeks I later learned their slightly younger daughter had worn it. It did pee me off a bit but only because they didn't ask .

AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust · 01/09/2016 17:44

I don't think YABU. We used to have to keep separate clothes for my DSC at ours as their mum used to send them in clothes that were too small for them - eg dungarees for an 18 month old with poppers for nappy change for a 4 yo. And if we bought them new clothes and sent them home we'd not see them again till they were too small.

It wasn't just for us, I'd see her out with them and they'd still be in too small clothes.

Why would we keep spending knowing they had good clothes she refused to put them in till they grew out of them? So we kept a wardrobe for them at ours, so they'd look nice when we went out.

JacquettaWoodville · 01/09/2016 17:46

Cub, that's really unpleasant.

dawney2 · 01/09/2016 17:57

I think that as you have already bought clothes for the children to keep at their house, have the children several times a week and your OH pays maintenance I can understand you may want to keep a supply of clothes at your house. As their mum works part time she will also get working and child tax credits and receives child maintenance so really she should be able to afford to buy her children clothes.

Ldnmum2015 · 01/09/2016 18:09

You brought them clothes, so just let them have them, all these business of keeping them at yours is stupid, pointless and confusing for children. Clothes only last for a few months before they are outgrown, so just let them get as much wear as they can. My ex and his mum used to have this weird thing of buying clothes, books and toys, then she had to leave them at his. The only person to get upset was my daughter, especially after a growth spurt, when the clothes she was only allowed to wear at his got to small for her.

Zbag14 · 01/09/2016 18:13

I don't think you're being unreasonable. At least the chuldren will have weather appropriate & fitting clothes when they're with you.

Milkmachine15 · 01/09/2016 18:21

We were in the same boat as you OP.... I would buy nice clothes for 3yr old DSD and if they went back with her we'd never see them again!! Even the 2 sets of spare clothes I'd pack for nursery every week!! It gets very expensive and very annoying!! We have 50/50 and I've bought food and toys to give to her mum before when she was hard up But I got sick of spending £20-£30quid a week on clothes!! Income is fairly even however I think we manage it a bit better(she's out every night when she doesn't have DSD) I looked on Facebook and found a bundle of clothes for £20 and they're the ones I send back to mum to now!! Strangely they started coming back and she spent her own money on buying DSD clothes!!! It's not quite so simple as saying the kids come first as some women have a habit of taking the biscuit if they can and unfortunately that has more of a negative impact and breeds resentment!!

Ldnmum2015 · 01/09/2016 18:22

By the way you do realise that one of the main reasons that you may not see the clothes again is they could of outgrown them, they may not really like them or that they have simply lost them. Once you give someone a present you can't then add conditions to the gift, the gift is for them to chose, use or dispose of. Children have a stronger sense of fair play, and will pick up on little things like this, adding conditions to a gift is unfair and puts them in an awkward position. As for their mother, she may be happy you have brought them something, but when you consider the amount of clothes per year she has to buy, a few outfits you territorially hold on to at yours arent really all that much.

Louise2092 · 01/09/2016 18:34

We have the same issue with my partners ex (1 ds). He often comes to ours at weekend in clothes covered in grass stains (not a big deal, kids play outside and clothes get stained). But he also comes with jogging trousers (never jeans) with huge holes in them or they're too small. At christmas and throughout the year dp and i get him new clothes. We have nothing against ex partner and what she buys as dss normally packs his own bag but once we were taking him out for the day and for dinner and his trousers had a huge aplit rights down to the pocket and his underwear was on show. We ended up saying to ex partner that we would buy him clothes for at ours but could she make sure he brings them back with him whenever he comes over. This way if he were to stay an extra night, he has clothes there to be worn. No problems since.

Squabblesallaround · 01/09/2016 18:36

I had the same, had SC 5 days a week, every weekend mother would send him home in other ill fitting clothes. It cost a fortune to constantly replace Angry I don't think YABU!

emmakc1977 · 01/09/2016 18:40

I've only read the first page of responses (as I'm still working - well supposed to be) but I completely disagree with the majority of the responses I have read so far.

Personally, if I were you, I would keep the clothes you purchase at your house for the children to wear when they are with you. I know if I had kids turning up that looked scruffy I wouldn't want to be seen out with them (shallow I know).

Whilst I'm on the subject, I would also keep toys that I bought at my house so that they had things to play with when they came to stay. I'm a family solicitor and have lost count of the time I hear (usually fathers) complaining that items they have purchased for their children have been taken back to the mother never to be seen again leaving the children with nothing to do when they come to stay. If it was a really special toy, I'd say let them take it, but explain they should bring it back next time they come.

Right, back to work, just felt I had to respond (which I rarely ever do) due to the responses you were receiving:-)

deVelvet · 01/09/2016 18:48

In fairness though, do children really see clothes as 'gifts' Our kids just wear whatever they have available and have never been specific about outfits.

Having said that, for the first time ever today, eldest dss who is 9 asked me if he could wear his barca kit which his mum bought him for birthday to a football thing tomorrow. I contacted her and went round to pick it up. There were no problems at all as we are pretty friendly. I expect as and when the dc specifically request an item there will be no problems

At the same time of picking up the footie kit she passed me items that we bought that they went home in last time - washed etc.

ohdearme1958 · 01/09/2016 18:48

Oh for gods sake. You couldn't sink any lower. Let the kids take the clothes home and enjoy wearing them.

Saffy38 · 01/09/2016 19:23

I completely understand how you feel.
I am a step-mum to 3 boys. They used to stay with us a lot during the week when we lived a few minutes Utes drive away from us. Within a couple of years we moved away (75 miles away), but we still collected them every other weekend & during the school holidays - as the courts agreed and during the school holidays (she tried her best to stop them to stay with us and in the end after a few years the eldest two did stop coming), but we would pick them up and the clothes she had dressed them in were utterly ridiculous - AND THEY WOULD STINK SO BAD!!!
I ended up buying them all new clothes - and they were never small boys, they were already very chunky and in adult sized clothing by the ages of 8 & 9 - the first time they went home, they went home in our new clothing with their too small clothes in a bag. She went mental, but OH HAD to explain that their clothes were no good for the week!
The next time they stayed over for the week, I had to buy them yet more clothes because they certainly didn't come in or bring my clothes with them. At the end of the week though, I kept hold of my clothes and sent them home in their own clothes which (again) were just ridiculous!!
I have bought them new clothes every year (because they are just expanding so quickly- it makes us both cry!!), but now only the youngest stays, so I only have one to buy for. He has his own box and drawer in my house full of our clothes for him, which makes him feel part of our family.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you buying new clothes and keeping them at your house for when your OH's kids stay, but send them home in their own clothes and keep yours at your house for next time.

corbyncatpigeons · 01/09/2016 19:26

"a lot of fathers would and do just expect the mother to supply all the clothes for use at their houses."
"But someone has to provide the clothes they wear from house to the other. You can't send them naked! And why should it always be the mother?"
I'm a father. I had 5 years of this, every visit Son would arrive in unsuitable clothes or school uniform, every visit go home in clean clothes that fit. None of them ever came back. Every visit for 5 years until he got old enough to stop it happening. It wasn't his fault though so just had to go along with it and go shopping a lot !

doing · 01/09/2016 19:28

I wonder if Ldnmum regards the clothes she buys for her kids as gifts?

Does she never get cross when a brand new school jumper is lost? Or new jeans are ripped on the first wear?

Because they're gifts right? The kids could set fire to them for all you care right? After all you can't dictate what someone does with a gift....

Myusernameismyusername · 01/09/2016 19:32

I totally get that it annoys people who have spent money but mostly this comes down to judging the ex for not being quite up to standard.

I love it when parents who only have their child once a week or every other weekend worry about this stuff because they don't have to do any of the washing or drying any other normal day of the week.

Also you fool yourself if you don't think this annoyance about the clothes is secret from the children. It isn't. They know. They also then feel like they are 'skanky' at mums house when she is just trying her best perhaps. And all spotless looking at dads like little dolls.

pullingmyhairout1 · 01/09/2016 19:33

I honestly can't believe I'm reading this. How petty. What difference does it make as long as they have clothes on their back?

You sound like my ex who won't allow my 5 year old to wear any clothes she takes with her and won't allow her to bring anything home. He is the same with toys, etc.

So what if they leave bits between houses. You're all adults surely you can arrange collection/drop off of stuff if necessary.

Poor kids.

Myusernameismyusername · 01/09/2016 19:37

I agree. Turn up to house ask for the stuff? Wait on doorstep for it, take it even if it needs washing? My DD's dad has a little wardrobe with stuff, we had tons and tons of stuff. Things would get put in the wrong place. Also you be surprised how little kids place on what their clothes look like. From a very young age mine would just get dressed in clothes they chose. How old are people still laying clothes out for their kids?

Spice22 · 01/09/2016 19:44

YANBU . I see what you mean - it's annoying to have to keep spending money to update their wardrobe because all the new stuff just keeps going to the mums. Plus you did buy some clothes to be kept at the mums.

nooofthenoodle · 01/09/2016 20:08

I'm a single mum I'm out of the house 40 hours a week guess what my son has a clean well fitting uniform 5 days a week and goes to his dad's on a Saturday in clean not ripped fitting clothes. It's not hard. Unless mum is also wearing dirty ripped clothes why is it OK for the kids? It isn't ok. It's disrespectful. It's a basic to make sure kids are clean and dressed appropriately.