To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

[Step0]

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

So the children have been through their parents separation and live with a mother who is struggling financially and can't provide much, so let's add to this by waving some nice stuff in front of their noses only for it to be taken away from them repeatedly.

Please let the children take the clothes; I understand your frustration, but the clothes are for them. Besides, the clothes will get worn more if they are with the children.

Also , a bit confusing for them if you have been kind enough to buy lovely new clothes for them, which they can only wear at your house

Has nobody read the bit where mop said she's bought them clothes for their mums house too?!

Has nobody read the bits where adult children have recounted how badly this sort of crap affected them as children?
Has nobody read the bits where it has been suggested that anything the kids want or need to move between either house should be allowed to move freely?
Has nobody read the bits where there are people so caught up with getting one up that the kids are treated like pawns?
Has nobody read the bits where the advice is not to pack suitcases, or not to make kids travel in pyjamas?
Has nobody read the bits where it's been suggested that some adults need to grow the fuck up and communicate with each other rather than continue their ridiculous games?

lello - think a lot of stuff on your list is referring to experiences that have been shared on the thread which in fact don't have that much bearing on the specificities of the situation OP has recounted.

Eg what has the OP said that makes you think she is treating them like pawns or playing games?

She hasn't made them pack bags or travel in pyjamas?

I'm missing your point Mixety. You do realise how MN works? Poster posts, people respond, thread evolves, opinions shared, opinions challenged? Not every response on a thread refers directly to the OP? It's called a discussion

But in your last post you were replying to milky, who asked 'has nobody read the OPs post about...'. Your reply seemed to me to be accusing people of not having read all sorts of other stuff which would paint the OP in a bad light, whereas actually none of that was anything to do with her.

We can all sit here and ring our hands over how unfairly some stepchildren are treated. Or we can actually read the OPs posts and offer advice to try to help the actual stepchildren in question. All these 'poor kids, let them take their clothes with them' posts might make the posters feel good. But it's clear that most if them haven't even bothered to read past the first post to gain a proper understanding of the situation so I can't see that they care that much about the kids in question to actually engage with the issues and offer any actually constructive advice.

Mixety, seriously I wouldn't get involved with whatever issues lelloteddy is trying to project here. Her views need to be aired the same as anyone else's but for the most part they are probably directed at me. The pyjama thing is clearly.

From reading a tiny snapshot from a somewhat succinct post she has somehow tried to colour me as a terrible step-parent who is only in it for the drama etc etc despite subsequent posts which completely contradict her opinion.

In any case that is what MN is for. To share views and comment on any point made on a thread because in actual fact it is a discussion, albeit a discussion which the OP seems to have moved on from.

But seriously, give it a rest with the pyjamas love...it's really not that big a deal

Has nobody read the bits where adult children have recounted how badly this sort of crap affected them as children?
Has nobody read the bits where it has been suggested that anything the kids want or need to move between either house should be allowed to move freely?
Has nobody read the bits where there are people so caught up with getting one up that the kids are treated like pawns?
Has nobody read the bits where the advice is not to pack suitcases, or not to make kids travel in pyjamas?
Has nobody read the bits where it's been suggested that some adults need to grow the fuck up and communicate with each other rather than continue their ridiculous games?

Yes of course we have ffs!

BUT op is not doing anything wrong, you clearly have your own issues to contend with but its not helping projecting all these issues onto op, who is obviously trying her fucking best.

Do you have any idea how hard it can be sometimes? I say that as a stepmother AND a child who's been in this situation.

I posted yesterday about DSC's mum sending them in clothes too small for them (and if we sent clothes that fitted they wouldn't be seen again till they were too small) The weird thing is at she told DH's mum that that was what her mum used to do when they were off visiting their dad - send them in clothes that were too small.

I don't understand that - it can't be a nice memory yet she chose to do it to her own children. Some people are just strange.

Fwiw, my ds1 has had two wardrobes at two different houses for the last ten years and is fine with it, he says the op is not being unreasonable! He is definitely not traumatised, he says he enjoys shopping with both of us and appreciates our different tastes. Ds2 packed a suitcase tonight, it's his special going to dad's bag, he isn't traumatised either, it's just easier as he's only staying one night. And if you lived round here you'd see plenty of people out in their pjs on a Sunday morning, so that doesn't seem too traumatic either!

Not read any of the other comments. I have a stepson and we have clothes at ours that stay at ours and he has clothes at his mums. We buy him quite a lot of clothes at Christmas (he asks for clothes) and he takes half to mums and leaves half at ours, this makes sense as he's at mums more. We also buy him trainers twice a year but he just has them for at either. We have a good relationship with his mum and started having 'seperate' clothes around 4 years ago. He was leaving stuff here that his mum would rather him have there and vice versa. Everyone is happy with it this way and there's no issue. I really don't see the problem with that.

He comes here in clothes from his mums and I make sure that he goes home in them. Obviously we don't care about him swapping socks, underwear or even t-shirts but he goes home in the same trousers, jumpers and coats he came in. If he's here a few days I put his stuff from his mums in the wash when he puts his PJs on and make sure they're dry, ready and put to one side for him to wear the day he's going his mums. If he's only staying one night then shock horror he goes home in the trousers and jumper/coat (if cold) he came in, unless they're actually dirty then I wash them over night and dry them in the morning. He always wears PJs here (adults shorts and T-shirt type ones) and has fresh underwear, socks and a.T-shirt on each day so I really see no issue.

Forgot to add. We've found it so much easier him not having to bring a bag when he comes here now he has separate stuff. It means if he's been out and about all day and his mum needs to just quickly drop him off she can without worrying about packing a bag. Much less hassle all round

Keepingup has the perfect solution, it seems to me.

This usually happens when you have a crap relationship with the other family.

I am the RP and this was 'done to me' by a SP and it made me feel like total shit, it also gave my kids a terrible complex. It was horrible for them. They weren't allowed to bring stuff back as she had bought it with her money and basically I was not allowed to benefit from having nice clothes from next that I couldn't afford myself EVEN THO THEY WERE THE KIDS CLOTHES.

Kids will tell you whatever you want to hear sometimes. They told me they hated 'her' clothes and told her they hated my clothes. They were in the middle. Kids generally don't care until you tell them it's something worth caring about and making it into a huge deal. Making them feel skanky at mums house is just as bad as mum not bothering isn't it??

Parents who do 90% or so of the childcare often have a lot on their plate and messy hair isn't top of the agenda. It makes my teeth itch when people worry so much about what other people might think of what kids are wearing or look like and it makes the kids paranoid as well like they aren't good enough.

Once the step mum was gone of all the clothes problems also vanished and he buys stuff as do I and they wear what they want to.

and if I want something back I just ask for it. Via the other parent. Not the kids.

No yanbu my OH dc get sent in clothes that are too small , not warm enough etc, we would buy them new things and let them take it home if they wanted to and it would disappear never to be seen again , then they would arrive again and again in old tatty clothes with comments that the clothes we had sent home were not liked by mum, ie not the right colour etc ( this is not how they would be dressed if we bumped into them with their mum, or in photos) we got wise .