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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

289 replies

Step0 · 31/08/2016 10:32

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

OP posts:
Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming · 01/09/2016 20:21

If u can manage this is to have the kids end up back in their own clothes going home(without making them get changed specially) that's fair enough I think. But if u would have to make them change to go home, I think that's be a bit off (they will think about why u do this, and there are no great answers u could give them really...).
Could u ask the mum to let u keep one set of clothes from home at yours? Then u could swap them into the clothes u have bought while at yours, and on the day they go home put them in the spare set from home, keeping the set them came in as the spares for next time.
Incidentally, this happened the other way round for me; I'd send my 2 DCs to their dad with a bag of clothes, and many would stay there, especially the nicer ones - of course it's fair to have a spare set, but whole drawers full of their nicer things used to stay! I would be offered them back once they had outgrown them...I just learnt not to send things I especially liked, exes DP was always ready for an argument, so wasn't worth discussing it.
If u really mind the cost, I'd buy cheaper stuff for them, but not worth making the kids feel that the stuff u get them isn't really theirs.

Sausagesandroses · 01/09/2016 20:34

Poor children. This thread makes me feel sad.

Ladyrattlesuk · 01/09/2016 20:36

I had clothes and toys that I wasn't allowed to take home to my mum's. I used to hate it. I was only able to wear the clothes when I visited, so I used to feel like a dress-up doll. I would beg to take stuff home but my dad and his wife would never let me. My dad wouldn't even let me take a board game home to play with my half-brother and friends. It always felt like they were not really my things at all.

glamourousgranny42 · 01/09/2016 20:38

YABU. They are the children's clothes not yours. My ex used to do this. She would literally stand my DD on the door step and take her coat, jumper and shoes off to take back so she didn't wear them at home. Fucking ridiculous and awkward all round.

mixety · 01/09/2016 20:40

I feel like some posters really haven't read the OP's posts.

The problem is that the kids complain about wearing the clothes that come from their mums house. Because they don't like them or are too small. So OP buys them new clothes, which they wear back to their mum's. Next time they come, they are in other clothes which they complain about, so OP buys new clothes, repeat repeat.

It seems clear it is not an issue of OP not wanting them to enjoy their new clothes all week long, but that she ends up in a position where she is endlessly buying new stuff yet still faced with unhappy complaining kids next time they come.

Myusernameismyusername · 01/09/2016 20:45

Then the answer is to confront the ex. Not keep putting the kids in the middle.

I have, and would stand on the doorstep and ask for things back. And he's done it to me too.

Communication? Why make the children suffer through all the clothes drama? Just ask for it all back

MrsHorsfall · 01/09/2016 20:47

Please think about what this does to the children. Imagine having something nice and then leaving it behind :(

3perfectweemen · 01/09/2016 20:59

Yanbu my son goes to his dads he has clothes there for different occasions. My dsd I buy her clothes for here because her mum sends her in stained clothes over boiled clothes out of shape dog hairs and every item I sent home I didn't see again or got destroyed. Her whites always turn grey and patchy after just one wear. Of course we buy clothes and send home with her ie, summer,winter, birthday and when asked.

We went through a stage sending all home but she would be sent in scruffy clothes and we would have to buy again and nobody has money to burn like that building a new wardrobe every week!

Op I think you should post on step parenting board, more people would have experience and understanding.

Lelloteddy · 01/09/2016 21:02

' Why make the children suffer through all the clothes drama?'

Because a lot of people thrive on drama and to hell with the children caught in the middle.

Eirabach378 · 01/09/2016 21:06

You are being lovely buying the clothes.. I remember my step sister s mother buying me clothes and that meant a lot to me and I really appreciated it. I was allowed to take them home and I enjoyed wearing then and it made me feel like there were less barriers between my two families. By not letting her taking the clothes home you ate putting up barriers and that's horrible. You are buying the clothes for the child, not for you. Let the child enjoy them and support their mother by sharing. You want the child to be happy and anything that supports the mother, who you say isn't well off, will support the child

mummyof3kids · 01/09/2016 21:23

I have few items of clothes I have bought stepson that I keep at our house. I tell him those are to ensure he has a mixture of suitable items just in case he forgets items or to make allowance for all weather conditions (e.g waterproof jacket, smart jeans and shirt for going out, leisure/sport wear). The rest he takes. I usually buy sale items and good quality stuff off e bay and charity shops (exactly same as I source my own children's clothes). His mum is grateful and gives outgrown clothes to us for my son, so we all benefit. You are NBU to keep spare items at yours, but would BU if all items stay at yours and don't get full usage. As my stepson he has got older we have needed to keep less items just at our house.

doing · 01/09/2016 21:27

I'm sick of this nethuns bullshit.

Deregging.

milkyface · 01/09/2016 21:35

eira did you miss the but where op said she bought the stepchild clothes to keep at their mums house too.

Eirabach378 · 01/09/2016 21:42

I must have yes. I think as long as majority go back and a small selection kept as a basic small warbrobe then that's unreasonable at all. But not of its a random new lovely top that then has to stay.. I just think that would be quite sad and confusing for the child. I haven't read whole thread

mixety · 01/09/2016 21:51

I don't think you should be judging the OP as putting up barriers and being horrible if you haven't even read all her posts.

Bettersleepoutdoors · 01/09/2016 21:54

If you buy clothes for children it is unreasonable, imo, to insist they are kept at your home unless they are an additional pair of wellies or extra jacket/ some kind of kit they use for an activity they only do at yours.
some gifts would fall outside this "rule". I can't imagine anyone considering it appropriate to lug a rocking horse back and forth, and some things need negotiating (scooters? bikes?)
For me, this is not about how much CM your DP pays or how much their mother earns or how many hours she works. The only thing that makes sense is to look at it from the child's point of view and try to imagine what the situation is like for them.

mixety · 01/09/2016 22:06

It seems the OP is very understanding of the children's POV that they don't like the clothes they keep being sent in from their mums, because she keeps buying them new clothes.

Surely the problem is that she can't keep affording to do this ad infinitum. So what is the solution? It is not simply letting the children take all their new clothes back to their mum's because history tells us they will sooner or later turn up at the OP's house unhappy to be wearing clothes they don't like again.

Myusernameismyusername · 01/09/2016 22:08

The solution is to talk to the ex in question

TippyT · 01/09/2016 22:24

My ex husband does this, so my daughter has loads of lovely clothes at his house. That she wears once every two weeks if that? She only goes through his once every two months or so and normally meets him at my ex mils house.

It's hurting her not me

Eirabach378 · 01/09/2016 22:44

I replied to the original post. I didn't say she was horrible . I actually said her behaviour of buying clothes was lovely. But that the impact of not allowing clothes home may create barriers and THAT is horrible . Having barriers is horrible

AlexRose5 · 01/09/2016 22:49

OP I can fully relate to your frustration, my situation is eerily similar to yours! My OH has two daughters from a previous relationship(I've been their step mum since they were a aged 1 and 2, that's nearly 7 years)
What used to bother me most, was the fact that if bought them nice clothes and sent them back, what would come back to us would be tattered badly fitting clothes for them to wear(almost like a really unfair swap shop!) it got ton a point where we were actually running out of clothes for them here because his ex would syphon all the good stuff and send us her crap. Very frustrating considering she actually earns a decent wage on top of a large financial contribution fro my OH. I started to take the same attitude you are taking and it became a big game of who gets to keep the good socks this week🙄 Seriously, to a really petty point scoring degree. One day it dawned on me that no matter how irritating and cheeky his Ex was being, I should be looking at the most important thing; that if she's hoarding the good clothes I frequently spend a lot of money time and effort buying, then at least I know the girls are being dressed in good fitting clean clothes when they're not with us. I actually felt a little ashamed that I had let something so petty come before what was going to benefit my stepdaughters in the long run. Now I buy them what they need when they need it, and if some stuff doesn't get returned then I go buy more or if it's something expensive like coats or shoes his ex gets a civil text saying please don't forget to send their coats /boots with them as they will need them here with us. It will initially involve feeling like some cash cow mug but believe me if you put that to one side and start to focus on what's gunna benefit your step children you won't regret it 🌸 Iceing on the cake for me was one day dropping my stepdaughter off and hearing their neighbours kids compliment their lovely outfits, my eldest step daughter replies,"Thanks, my stepmom got these for me, she's really kind!" Melted my heart on the spot. Worth ten times the cost of any wardrobe to know the girls are getting use out of the nice things I buy them 🌸 I hope you'll see what's important from my experience OP 🌸

Myusernameismyusername · 01/09/2016 22:54

That's a lovely post
Kids first. It's how it should be
We are adults. It's just money

Eirabach378 · 01/09/2016 23:00

What AlexRose said. That's what I wanted to say. Lovely post x

Aquahol1 · 01/09/2016 23:01

My nephews mum used to always send him in clothes that were too small and scruffy to his dad's. He had plenty of clothes that fit him at home but it was during a turbulent time and nothing new he was sent back with ever came back. Bro bought a bunch of stuff for him to take home to Mums and clothes to keep at his. Now he's hitting teens this doesn't happen as he cant be used as a pawn as easily now.
I'd say you are doing the right thing OP.
Maybe buy a few cheap things each time he grows which can go back and stuff to keep at yours.

CSUK · 01/09/2016 23:17

No, no, no - Step0 is trying to do right by the children in providing them with nice things, but bound to feel a little narked if she gets the impression they are sent back in their tattiest clothes with the attitude "Well if she thinks she's better than me, sending them back in all these fancy clothes all the time, who am I to discourage her?" You get vibes about these things. What I think you should perhaps do, is not buy them new and fancy clothes all the time, but instead, buy some 'job lots' on ebay and selling sites. You know batches of good, nice clothes they can wear, where you can feel good about them being presentable and well turned out, at yours or at their other home - Let them know that's where they've come from. This way no one can feel put out by you trying to do a genuinely nice thing for the children, that can't be seen as 'showing off'.