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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

289 replies

Step0 · 31/08/2016 10:32

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

OP posts:
deVelvet · 31/08/2016 18:03

Wind your neck in jello

The kids are 4 5 6 9

And this is at the request of their mother! Which btw their father has no problem with either.

Kids go back every Sunday at 9am. Just after breakfast. The car journey is exactly 7 minutes.

Crappest thing you've read? I doubt that

hippydippybaloney · 31/08/2016 18:05

Plus, pjs are awesome so there is that.

ReggaeShark · 31/08/2016 18:05

I used to know a girl in this position re clothes. She found it very strange and upsetting. Don't do it.

deVelvet · 31/08/2016 18:10

Well yes they are hippy.

I've taken the kids out for a drive in their pj's loads of times - to see the Christmas lights in the streets at night, if I needed to nip out for something.

And do you want to know something else - I've even got them changed into pyjamas after swimming lessons and brought them home. Call the judge, I beg you Shock

justme2116 · 31/08/2016 18:15

Think some people are being a bit harsh.
Regardless of the amount of cm paid doesn't mean it is always spent appropriately. It's down to the mother what she spends that money on. And her opinion may be different to dads and may be different in different months etc.
If the dad and partner want to buy separate stuff surely it is understandable to want to try and keep it with them. if the clothes are never seen again or come back ruined/shrunk and toys broken bits missing etc who would want to keep throwing money away.
I don't think it's fair to call her awful. Or to say she is playing a game.
Of course ideally the kids would get max use out of them. Maybe they don't get a say.

sonjadog · 31/08/2016 18:16

Do they have to pack at all? If they are at your house for several nights every week, can they not just turn up in what they are wearing that day and then have clothes and toiletries at your house that they use when they are there? Then you can have the outfit they came in washed and they can wear it back when they leave.

This way, their mother doesn´t have to stress about packing, not having clean clothing and you don´t have to keep endlessly buying stuff.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 31/08/2016 18:19

I think this is more common than people think. I know two seperated families that do this.

One side believe clothes get ruined at ex house, ex believes clothes thst get sent are old, ruined, small - which they are.

You can't have one side of the family continuously buying and buying clothes/toys. It's not fair. I think people have to be realistic.

user1471734618 · 31/08/2016 18:19

oh my ex and his wife used to do that.
Slag me off violently, get them new clothes, then make them take them off before they came home.
Fucking weirdos.

PepsiPenguin · 31/08/2016 18:28

Appreciate that is not a nice situation user, but it's clearly not the case here as the OP has been very respectful of her SDC mother.

The OP however has had a lot of nastiness aimed at her.

user1471734618 · 31/08/2016 18:30

well i do not mean to be nasty about OP.
it is just that often , 'the mother' is struggling and it is easy for the father and his new partner to buy some clothes, but for some reason they have to make some kind of point about it, and the children suffer. Then for some reason, they seem to think that the child's scruffiness only matters when he or she is with them. Under the guise of caring.,

BalloonSlayer · 31/08/2016 18:31

My stepfathers ex used to send the children in awful shabby clothes that were far too small as well. The kids looked embarrassingly awful. Sad

Now, I love my stepfather dearly and never had much time for his ex but even at 14 I could see what was going on here. He wasn't paying enough for his children and she was trying to make him step up and buy his children some new clothes so that she didn't have to buy them all. He is a nice guy but was always shit with money and took very little responsibility.

Even that tactic didn't really work and the poor kids just carried on looking awful. Sad

witchywoohoo · 31/08/2016 18:32

What a load of codswallop that this shouldn't annoy you.

You have the children several times a week. Of course you should have a wardrobe or chest of drawers of clothes for them at you and OH's house. I appreciate that their mum may not have as much disposable income but it doesn't mean that your income is a magical, never-ending pot of money and ultimately it is not your responsibility to be clothing the children - that is the responsibility of her mother and father.

Ultimately, if it bothers you I would simply stop buying them clothes. As long as their clothes are clean and fit them then who cares what they look like.

Lelloteddy · 31/08/2016 18:37

deVelvet it is entirely possible that all of the adults involved in a child's life 'agree' on an issue. It doesn't make it any less humiliating or wrong for the children. Do the experiences of adult children on this thread recounting how humiliating and upsetting this sort of shitty game played by their parents and step parents was for them mean ANYTHING to you?

nooofthenoodle · 31/08/2016 18:40

Just send them back in the same stuff. Or whatever they happen to be wearing on the day. Only one outfit is leaving yours and as she's just disorganised hopefully it will work it way to the top of the pile eventually and they might come back in it.
Doesn't have to be a song and dance everyone get undressed so you can put on these crap too small clothes your mother sent you in, just dress them in the stuff the day they go back.
My exs ex would sometimes have a moan that loads of stuff was ending up here but seeing as the kid came wearing one set of clothes and we never sent him home naked there remained the same quantity of clothes at both houses.
We would end up with less because I can't abide seeing kids walking round with holes in their clothes so instead of washing I would throw stuff away.
Don't get these people that think it's fine for their kids to walk around in too small ripped clothes. It's disrespectful. Fair enough if you're really skint but never saw dss mum wearing rags so why should the kids?

eyebrowsonfleek · 31/08/2016 18:43

Think there are a lot of harsh replies here considering that the OP pointed out that she doesn't think that the mother is being spiteful in not sending them in correct clothing.

I'm a single mum and domestic slattern but my kids always have clean, fitted clothes available. How hard is it to wash and dry clothes?

I'm not a big ironer so shirts are for school or special occassions only and I pick clothes that will need no/minimal ironing. If she's struggling with ironing your clothes then the only solution is for the kids to get go home in the clothes that they arrived in so you can launder the clothes.

user1471734618 · 31/08/2016 18:47

there must be clothes at my ex's place that the children wore literally once.
Unless the SM has given them to her grandchild.

deVelvet · 31/08/2016 18:50

Lelloteddy, yes our children's feelings mean a hell of a lot to us.

I suppose that's why, as parents (and I mean the 4 adults in the child's lives) are astutely aware of their feelings and any issues are acted upon appropriately.

For your information, the dc do not feel humiliated - because I think as the people who know and talk to them, going for a 7 min car journey in pyjamas doesn't even enter their thought process.

What is more humiliating, in my opinion is having a child pack a bag to turn up at their parents house - as if they are a guest!

But hey, horses for courses and all that.

cavkc123 · 31/08/2016 18:51

I agree with you to a certain extent

When my Dss was young I noticed after a while that he would always be sent back to ours in the cheapest oldest clothes possible, whereas they would have arrive at their Mums in relatively nice clothes, nothing fancy, Zara, John Lewis etc.

After a while I noticed that the wardrobe at our house was full of old crap and he must have had a lovely wardrobe at his Mums. We let it go until we'd bought Dss a lovely winter coat that after one wear never made it back to our.

DH did end up saying something, not causing a scene, just letting her know that it wasn't on. From there on, until he decided himself what he wanted to wear, we had a fairly loose rule of if he went either way with something particularly nice, we made sure he went back with it ... No point telling him as he would have been happy in a bin bag !!! Although this was relatively easy for us as the swop over generally involved the school run.

At least with clothing at both homes, you don't have the hassle of packing a bag for them. If they wanted something specific at one place, say a PlayStation, either his mum or I would try to drop it round

JacquettaWoodville · 31/08/2016 18:51

Agree with Sonja - why are either of you packing up clothes? It would be a big time saver to stop this, wouldn't matter about the ironing pile then etc.

Lelloteddy · 31/08/2016 19:06

deVelvet of course you're not going to acknowledge any feelings of humiliation that those children experience. What happens in a year or so when they start to go through puberty? Still going to send them out the door religiously in their pjs just to make your life easier?

The grown up approach to the issue is to allow children to move THEIR clothes and THEIR possessions freely between both parents homes. No packing of bags required. When they get ready for bed on their first night at yours, stick their clothes in the family wash. When they're leaving yours next day or a week later, they dress in whatever they want. That may, or may not be the same outfit that they arrived in.
Same routine at the other parents. If stuff ends up being accumulated of stock piled at one house due to backlogs in the ironing basket, how difficult is it to fire it all in a bag for life and send it back with the kids the following week?
Hell WHY are so many adults so bloody immature and incapable of putting kids needs first?

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 31/08/2016 19:11

What happens when they don't come back with their toys or clothes and are left with nothing at the other parents house?

ChipmunkSundays · 31/08/2016 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 19:14

Lello, I admire your dedication to putting children first in the aftermath of divorce, but I think you need to find another outlet. I don't think this PJ example is really that weird.

Ideally the 'transition' clothes should be an arrangement completely transparent to children, 9am on a weekend in PJs does not seem that weird (given that they are children, not adults).

If I were to drive my 10 year old to my in-laws at 9am on a Sunday (they live 7 minutes from me, give or take) he'd definitely want to go in his PJs.

deVelvet · 31/08/2016 19:16

Pfft you seem really stressed out about how we live our lives Lelloteddy Confused

It's alright, believe me.

When the kids get to stage of being arsed about what they wear then how about I seek you out and ask for your guidance?

Like a pp said - they'd wear a bin bag if we'd let them.

And not to want to blow your mind entirely - but as for possessions, the dc have duplicate of everything at each of their homes - computers, tablets, bikes, scooters, they have chosen items for mums house and for dad's house. Either mum pays or dad pays depending on which house. We would need a removal van each Sunday morning if we were to act on your advice.

You know, sometimes practicality comes before whatever nonsense you're trying to project

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 19:18

And not to want to blow your mind entirely - but as for possessions, the dc have duplicate of everything at each of their homes - computers, tablets, bikes, scooters, they have chosen items for mums house and for dad's house. Either mum pays or dad pays depending on which house. We would need a removal van each Sunday morning if we were to act on your advice.

Makes perfect sense. Seems quite sensible for each house to operate as its own distinct ecosystem really when it comes to kids' stuff.

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