To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

[Step0]

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

I think it's fine to keep a set of clothes or mini wardrobe at your house for the kids.

I have a friend in your situation and she says it's quite annoying that the kids turn up it tatty clothes.

You can let them go home in what they're wearing, but no need to send the whole lot of new clothes home with them.

Considering the tantrums from the little girl, I'm suprised her mum doesn't make sure she's wearing decent attire when she comes over.

Just from the position of showing I can cope, I've never understood why the mum would send her DCs off to the dad's place with poor clothing or a messy hairdo.

This happened with my niece and so when she got her hair done nicely while she was with my brother, his Ex was up in arms. Yet it's one of the first times her hair was well done.

I don't think you're being totally unreasonable.

That's what I don't get sandy, when some of these women do it deliberately. I always make damn sure my kids are immaturely dressed etc when they go to that twat's my ex's house because I make damn sure it's one less thing for him to try and criticise me for. Why give them something else to be dicks about on purpose?

Been in a similar situation however we used to send then back in new clothes and keep the old/stained/too small stuff at ours but this was criticised and mum wanted the new stuff and the old stuff back.

Eventually my dsc arrived with nothing and went home with nothing. The only change would be at holiday time when the extra clothes we had at ours came in handy for mum to take away with them.

I don't think that things will change much for you I'm afraid so you decide to either continue buying clothes (perhaps if you bought a few outfits a month you might start seeing a difference) or you don't. The bottom line is that there are children here who's best interests should be considered by all the adults involved in their upbringing.

Another suggestion as others have already stated is that your DP pays more child maintenance given that he may be contributing less to his own household costs due to your higher income

Eirabach378 thank you 🌸 my post was from the heart because I've been there. OP won't go far wrong to put the kiddies above all else I sure hope she takes that advice x

OP, I think I know where you're coming from. I used to babysit for a friend who would drop her child off in the morning in her pajamas, knowing that I had to go out that day. When I came to dress her 9 times out of ten she would have packed something completely unsuitable (think tank top and short leggings in January) or too small or dirty, meaning that I had to drive to the nearest indoor shopping centre, take said child through whilst receiving dirty looks for dressing a child inappropriately and buy her new outfits so I could get on with my original plans. I had to cancel the arrangement because she continued doing it even after I mentioned it.

It sounds like something similar is going on here. Is the ex deliberately sending them in unsuitable clothes so that she gets a new clean outfit when the children return? If so, YANBU

I can kind of see both sides in a way. I buy my dd nice clothes and they go to her dad's and I either never see them again until she randomly comes home wearing them months later and it now doesn't fit, or it gets ruined. So i also but nice clothes for dd that she doesnt take to her dads. And I know from single parent forums that this isn't that uncommon.
But I feel like your situation seems a little different somehow. If not, then carry on. Yes the clothes are for the kids but as someone who has lost count of the amount of money I have wasted on clothes in this way it is pretty annoying. She came home yesterday in a hoodie i bought about 6 months ago that she wore once and it was never seen again. Despite asking her dad if he had it and him insisting he didn't. It is pretty annoying....this may not be the situation here, but I can relate to keeping nice clothes!

Who does a gift belong to, once gift giving has happened?

Are there conditions attached to gifts? Like permissible venues of use?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you would definitely get the clothes sent back with the children then by all means send them home with them, but you shouldn't have to spend money on clothes for them to wear once, never to be seen again. It is sad for the children to have to wear clothes that don't fit them at their mother's so I would advise OH to speak to their mother and say you are more than happy to send their new clothes home with them but expect them to be sent back with them when they visit. She will probably be glad of the help with clothing them so will agree xx

It's such a shame clothes become such a minefield. My friend who's a single mum finds coats get withheld by her XP. Why on earth would you do that to your own child?

Longtalljosie because many adults care more about engaging in ridiculous games to hurt and bait each other than they do about the needs and feelings of the children caught up in the games.

You have just openly admitted money is tighter for the mother so send the clothes. I grew up in this situation my Mam was working 3 jobs and struggling we grew up on hand me downs. My dads partner would buy us clothes and wouldn't let us go home in them and I never got the reason. Now grown up with a child of my own I don't understand the reason even more. I also remember feeling very awkward about it. Think of it this way you teach the kids to share and help others but your not willing too x

I don't think yabu. You say they stay a few times a week so they will get the use of them. I'm the mum who's children go to their dad's, they have done for 6 years now. The past year thier dad has brought them a few clothes items and pjs for when they are at his. To be honest I find it better as I don't need to pack anything and the kids aren't stressing that they've left something behind etc. So yes I think you having clothes at your house is a good idea.

Just to add to above......for the right reasons. My ex used to comment on the kids clothes etc / appearance and it did upset me, I was on my own and couldn't afford much. So yes...but for the right reasons.

I can kind of see both sides in a way. I buy my dd nice clothes and they go to her dad's and I either never see them again until she randomly comes home wearing them months later and it now doesn't fit, or it gets ruined. So i also but nice clothes for dd that she doesnt take to her dads. And I know from single parent forums that this isn't that uncommon.
But I feel like your situation seems a little different somehow

It's only different because you're the RP, And op is a stepmother. What you're both doing is the same (except it's your responsibility in part to clothe your child, and it's not ops responsibility at all really!) you're both sick of spending money on nice things and not seeing them again until they're too small, ruined, or never seeing them again at all. So you're both choosing to keep them in your own houses, which is a reasonable solution imo, whoever is doing it.

This is what winds me up about MN, a mum can do anything they want and it's ok, but if a step mother does the exact same thing it's 'a little different somehow'

I do think that it's both parents responsibility to clothe their kids at their own houses. Kids clothes aren't expensive really, eBay is great because they don't get worn very much as kids grow so quick.

I personally have had almost four years of this game playing shit and the only person who suffers is my ss. Ex does it to annoy me and dp, but after a while it didn't. I pity her because her life must be empty if she has to focus on trying to upset us. I feel sorry for ss because she cares about pissing us off, more than his welfare half the time.

We just bought more clothes, but admittedly it's not cost effective to do this every weekend.

Actually I meant her reasoning seemed different but like I said, if its for the same reasons then she should carry on.....as the next bit you didnt quote said!!!

If this was the other way around, would any of you tell a mum (RP)/stepdad (R stepparent), that they are being ridiculous not to let lovely clothes that they have spent lots of money on go to the NR household?

mysterious you're right I didn't quote that bit, I quoted the bit that said what you thought.

She quite obviously is doing it for the same reasons as you. What other reason could there possibly be?! Sorry but the op doesn't sound like she's playing any games to me, she sounds lovely and I genuinely believe she does have the child's best interests at heart from what I have read.

Why not keep some at yours but send a few bits back? Then you know they have some clothes that fit well at yours and you won't be constantly spending money on new ones. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Milky sorry, im afraid your ability to know what I think and mean by interpreting a few lines of text has failed. But you clearly have a bee in your bonnet so don't let that stop you from carrying on. You have a point to make so feel free to misuse what I said

Milky sorry, im afraid your ability to know what I think and mean by interpreting a few lines of text has failed. But you clearly have a bee in your bonnet so don't let that stop you from carrying on. You have a point to make so feel free to misuse what I said

Yes I do because a lot of people seem to think it's ok for an RP to do this but not a non RP, or a stepmother.

At the end of the day you said it seemed different, but if not Carry on.

I don't personally think it's any different than what you're doing.

hy not keep some at yours but send a few bits back? Then you know they have some clothes that fit well at yours and you won't be constantly spending money on new ones. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Op has already said she's bought clothes for the stepchild to keep at their mums...

Please let the children take the clothes; I understand your frustration, but the clothes are for them. Besides, the clothes will get worn more if they are with the children.

Also , a bit confusing for them if you have been kind enough to buy lovely new clothes for them, which they can only wear at your house

So the children have been through their parents separation and live with a mother who is struggling financially and can't provide much, so let's add to this by waving some nice stuff in front of their noses only for it to be taken away from them repeatedly.

Ffs it's not taken away from them repeatedly. . They stay with OP and their dad SEVERAL times a week. Do they take all their toys, books, games, dvds, toiletries etc back and forwards to mums. No...don't be ridiculous. And if these kids are anything like mine they really don't care about clothes THAT much that their dad and step mum keeping some at their other home is going to cause any major trauma. Because if they stay several times a week that is what their dad's house is - their home and so of course they should have clothes there.

In our case the dc live at home with us exactly 50% of the time which is 26 weeks per year. Week on, week off.

How is it conducive to a child feeling settled when they have to effectively live out of a suitcase? Not to mention the wasted time packing and unpacking each time?

With the OP saying the dc live with them a few days a week - that is almost 50/50 too.