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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

289 replies

Step0 · 31/08/2016 10:32

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 31/08/2016 10:54

Yabu

So the mum. Is struggling and the kids are all in second hand stuff and that's OK at their house but not yours. But you don't want to have to replace clothing that the kids dare to wear home Shock

Of she can't afford clothes maybe your dp needs to pay her more.

I hope you at least wash the clothes they wore to ours so at least they can go home in something clean of they can't wear the other stuff

Longtalljosie · 31/08/2016 10:54

I would send them back. It could be that since money is tight, their mum is deliberately choosing their less-good clothes to go to yours in case they don't come back. Sending back good clothes would be a gesture of trust. Which can only be a good thing. If the clothes that come back are still small / worn then you'll have your answer...

JenLindleyShitMom · 31/08/2016 10:55

"To not want to send the kids clothes back to their house"

Fixed your title for you OP

And yes YABU totally UR

The clothes right belong to the kids. You aren't going to wear them. They aren't being used at your house when DC aren't there. Send them home so they can get the use out of them. Otherwise you're being immature and spiteful.

8angle · 31/08/2016 10:56

My parents were like this with my sisters and me - used to drive us all fucking nuts - we just wanted to wear our clothes when we wanted to wear them but parents had some bizarre "power struggle" over jeans and T shirts.

Give them clothes or don'e but let them wear them when they want to!
oh and YABU!

DrFoxtrot · 31/08/2016 10:56

I can see where you're coming from OP. I have a similar dilemma. I pick my children up from school in uniform and when they go to their dads they wear normal clothes. If I don't get them back, the net effect is all the normal clothes end up at dads house.

You will end up with all the new stuff at her house and you will keep having to buy new stuff to make up what's been kept there. Children are expensive, even more so if you're going to have to buy more and more clothes. When does it stop? How is that fair for OP? The clothes do belong to the children but why should OP feel she has to keep replacing the clothes.

Do other people buy new outfits every week and wave goodbye to them? YANBU OP.

Original poster
Step0 · 31/08/2016 10:56

My OH doesn't expect his ex to provide everything for the kids, as I said, we do provide clothes for the kids to wear at her house, so its not like the kids don't have nice clothes there too, but she only ever sends up older/ ill fitting clothes. And the kids stay with us for a few days at a time. I also make sure that all the clothes she does send the kids up in, are washed and sent back clean but she doesn't do the same. I would end up constantly buying clothes for the kids, only to never see them again.

My OH pays lots of maintenance, his ex was living beyond her means but that situation has now changed.

I get that I'm buying the clothes for the kids but I only have a finite amount of money.

OP posts:
TattyCat · 31/08/2016 10:58

How old are they? I would imagine that when they're at the age where they are packing their own clothes, they'll just pack what they prefer, whoever has bought it, so the problem goes away.

If they are very young and their DM is packing for them then by all means, I would keep a 'smart' set of clothes at yours for occasions but otherwise, it's a bit of a waste if they're not getting wear out of them. Or are they, if they are at yours several times a week?

AppleJac · 31/08/2016 10:59

Lots of seperated parents do this.

In fact every seperate parents i know has the child bathed and changed as soon as the child gets through their door.

Toys are not allowed out the house otherwise the child has nothing to play with if the toy goes to mums and then never gets returned.

Its very common for children to arrive at dads with primark clothes on and then change into nicer clothing when at their dads.

purplefox · 31/08/2016 10:59

If you were the mum saying you send the kids to their dad and never get the clothes back everyone would be telling you to make their dad have his own set of clothes at his house and not send them with clothes. But hey, this is Mumsnet and stepmums are always wrong, whatever they do.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 31/08/2016 11:04

I only have a finite amount of money - then let your partner clothe his kids.

Bambamrubblesmum · 31/08/2016 11:05

Poor kids. Sad

Another example of parents playing tit for tat rather than thinking how the children actually feel about this. Sounds very controlling to me.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 31/08/2016 11:05

That's not fair really Fox, I always stick up for stepparents on here because they get a really hard time. However, I think the op is being unreasonable.

Bambamrubblesmum · 31/08/2016 11:08

I'm a step parent too and I think this is wrong. Don't lump us all into one homogeneous group that thinks the same.

WatchingFromTheWings · 31/08/2016 11:11

My ExH was the same Puzzled. When I moved out with the kids he tried to separate his/his families purchases from mine and my families. Caused no end of upset.

The clothes are bought for the kids so belong to them. I can understand keeping something expensive/nice, and/or the basics incase they forget to bring stuff or need an unexpected change though. But generally the clothes should be going with them.

Maybe accept that you may not see the clothes again though, and don't spend too much.

charlestonchaplin · 31/08/2016 11:11

I wouldn't get involved. I wouldn't pay for any clothes. It's too much grief. You are best getting involved as little as possible in all areas where your partner's children are concerned. Whatever you do will be wrong but at least this way you don't feel used up and spat out at the end of it all. Just leave them to it.

Mirandawest · 31/08/2016 11:11

How old are the children? Do they choose what they take with them?

I buy most of the clothes my two DC wear. XH buys some things but mostly I have to rely on clothes coming back again with them. I seem to buy a lot of pants and socks Grin
More annoying for DD was XH washing white tops of hers with black things so they are now grey. Luckily they weren't expensive so I have been able to replace them. Would be little point in trying to get XH to do it.

PepsiPenguin · 31/08/2016 11:12

YANBU

I have seen lots of threads like this and as soon as you mention the word step-mum your going to be told your wrong.

In future you may get more understanding (not necessarily agreement) on the step parenting board, but traffic is slower.

Not all RP are angels, I have seen many a case where the NRP are buying clothes/things constantly only to find their kids come to see them in old clothes/socks with holes and it's not because the children spend their time at the RP house in these things it's for all sorts of reasons step-mums will say it's because the RP wants the NRP to purchase more clothes. Mums will say it's because they don't think the nice clothes they purchase will be treated/washed in the right way or even that the washing powder "that" woman uses is horrible.

So I would say where contact is regular it is actually better to keep clothes at your home, and where reasonable send them back in the clothes they came in - but reasonable is the key word here as you can't be asking them to change the second they arrive or just before they leave, and I have seen a lot of comments of this happening from both sides.

fwiw my DP is the RP, so I'm on the opposite side of the "step" mum fence to you OP.

whattodowiththepoo · 31/08/2016 11:12

OP it's impossible to get a response on here that isn't full of projection and personalisation.
If the mum is sending them with clothes that don't fit so you will buy more she is unreasonable but the kids aren't and what you buy for them is for them.
kids choice completely.

PovertyPain · 31/08/2016 11:13

I have custody of my nephews and niece, but before they came to live with me their F and his gf used to send them for visits with no socks, in shoes that hurt their feet and dreadful, tatty clothes. I would buy them new clothes/shoes, which they went home in, because I felt sorry for them. It was only when the children got older, that one of them told me that they did it because they KNEW I would do that. Apparently the kids had decent clothes and shoes that fitted, but the parents thought "Poverty is a rich bitch (I was far from it, but worked a lot of hours so the kids could have nice things, holidays when they were with me), so why the hell should we waste our money?" Shock

I stopped sending most of their new stuff back with them, except for socks and the occasional item that they fell in love with. I would not be surprised the mother is thinking along similar lines and using her kids to get a few more pounds out of the father. Very childish and unfair on the kids.

JenLindleyShitMom · 31/08/2016 11:13

everyone would be telling you to make their dad have his own set of clothes at his house and not send them with clothes.

It's not comparable. The mother does have her own clothes for the DC at her house and the dad should have his own clothes there already. The fact the mum is sending clothes suggests the OP's DH doesn't have enough to last their stay. This is something he needs to put right so there are enough clothes to cycle through and be there for their next stay.

Original poster
Step0 · 31/08/2016 11:15

The kids are only small so they don't pack their own clothes to come to ours. I'm not trying to point score, we've been sending the new clothes home and rarely seeing them again, in addition to the clothes that are bought and sent straight to the exs house.

So basically, I should either stop buying them clothes, I'm not sure who that would benefit apart from my bank balance or not mind that the kids don't get to wear nice clothes that fit properly when they are at our house? In which situation do the kids win?

I would love it if we didn't have to worry about clothes coming back and could just have clothes being passed back and forth but they only go one way......

OP posts:
AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 11:15

If his children are at your house a 'few times a week' then this sounds like shared custody?

I don't have stepchildren and I'm not divorced, but I'm organised and particular about my children's clothes. If they started disappearing in the course of switching from one house to another, I'd maintain a separate wardrobe for them at my house and let my ex deal with the pain of his disorganisation.

Xenophile · 31/08/2016 11:15

Having been both the mum and the stepmum in these situations, YABU.

hippydippybaloney · 31/08/2016 11:15

The mum probably isn't doing it deliberately. Some parents have different priorities, it isn't wrong or right. Clothes just aren't a big deal to my stepkids' mum and that's fine. Of course sometimes it is deliberate, but there usually no way of knowing so it's better to give her the benefit of the doubt, for the kids' sake.

It is getting out of hand slamming the OP now though. It is frustrating, and giving her advice and helpful solutions is one thing but some of the comments are massively uncalled for.

Next is another good one for bulk buys. They do four packs of plaint shirts that are actually quite a nice fit for between £10-£15 depending on size.

exLtEveDallas · 31/08/2016 11:18

We had this with DD. In the end we kept 'holiday' and 'special' clothes with us and bulk bought leggings and tshirts for everyday wear that went back and forth (except they never came 'forth'!). It stopped when DSD became more fashion conscious and refused to wear old/ill fitting clothes to come to us.

A friend had this issue with his older teen daughter and discovered that mum (exW) was taking the shoes and better items to use herself! Now THATS taking the piss.