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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to send clothes I've bought for my OH's kids back to their mother's house?

289 replies

Step0 · 31/08/2016 10:32

My OH lives with me and his 2 kids stay with us a few times a week.

My OH pays maintenance for the kids but his ex only works part time and money is tighter for her so a lot of the kids clothes are hand me downs. There is nothing wrong with this, having an older sister means most of my clothes were hand me downs as I grew up.

I have a pretty well paid job and earn more than my OH, I'm not rolling in it but I have more disposable income than my OH and his ex. We've had issues with the ex sending the kids with clothes that they don't like and refuse to wear or are on the small side, so I buy them clothes to wear when they are at ours. Nothing expensive, but just nice clothes that they like. My OH and I have also bought clothes for the kids and given them to the ex for the kids at hers.

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home? My OHs ex isn't very organised and we wouldn't get the clothes back.

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 31/08/2016 19:20

Applesetssail there is NO comparison between dropping a child off with grandparents as a one off, (or bringing children home from a family party late at night already changed into their pjs to make bedtime smoother) and repeatedly and systematically imposing a rule on growing children that in order to absolutely avoid ANYTHING passing between houses, they are only allowed to wear pyjamas to travel in. It's so unfair on those children to have to do this and it WILL have repercussions. Why else do family courts take this sort of game playing by parents so seriously?

deVelvet · 31/08/2016 19:24

Who said it was a rule ffs.

It was a simple request which wasn't unreasonable.

Repeatedly and systematically indeed Grin

You need to chill out Lelloteddy

It's not a rule, sometimes we go out for the day and drop off later. They wear what they have on and vice versa when they come back.

You really are projecting now aren't you?

deVelvet · 31/08/2016 19:25

Should I leave? You seem like you're about to spontaneously combust

Lelloteddy · 31/08/2016 19:26

The issue is not about bikes, computers or scooters. It's about growing children being wheeled out the door in pyjamas because the adults in their lives are incapable of making mature, adult decisions about swapping the odd bag of clean clothes Wink

Lelloteddy · 31/08/2016 19:27

No spontaneous combustion here. Just chuckling at your back peddling Grin

PepsiPenguin · 31/08/2016 19:42

user I am sorry if I upset you, just the OP has had such a hard time, and it's frustrating as she really does look like she is trying her best.

Whilst I am a "step" mum I am also the DP of the RP.

Being a step-mum be it with a RP or a NRP it constantly feels like you can't win.

Of course there are arsehole NRP & partners and arsehole RP & partners. In this case I think the OP is trying very hard and sounds like she's trying her best, I just wish people could take things at face value and not jump on the all step mums are apple pie wielding evil monster train

UnderseaPineapple · 31/08/2016 19:53

This is what happens when you become a step parent.

And this;

Each to their own but I bet she's rubbing her hands with glee knowing that she is getting more because of you.

has to be one of the cuntiest things I've ever read on MN.

chaplin1409 · 31/08/2016 20:00

We had this problem many years ago with my stepson he used to come to us most weekends and dh paid ex money and even paid finance on a car so she could get about. We used to get annoyed Thatcher went home in tidy clothes but always came back in rubbish. We ended up having clothes at ours so a bag did not need to be sent with him.

deVelvet · 31/08/2016 20:01

I agree Undersea. Some people judge all circumstances by their own experiences and make assumptions based on the actual people in their own lives.

But it is the only way some people are able to look at the world. It is our experiences that define us unfortunately and we make rash assumptions based on others without knowing the full extent of the story

deVelvet · 31/08/2016 20:06

And I bet if this thread had been posted on the step-parent forum topic then there wouldn't be half as many posts...

hippydippybaloney · 31/08/2016 20:52

I wish I could travel in my pjs.

Lelloteddy · 31/08/2016 21:08

It's much better that these threads aren't hidden away on step parenting. Because twattish behaviour by parents and step parents that negatively affects the kids caught in the middle needs to be called out.

deVelvet · 31/08/2016 21:15

Twattish behaviour. You make me laugh Lelloteddy.

Guilty as charged. I bow to your superiority.

If the most twatty thing I do in my life is to put a child in pyjamas at 9am on a Sunday morning, then I reckon I'm doing OK

Seriously love, you've got issues

hippydippybaloney · 31/08/2016 21:35

It doesn't really get hidden away in step parenting anyways.

Non step parents find plenty of time to reply on the step parenting boards letting step parents know what awful people they are. And that of course we were all the OW.

Inertia · 01/09/2016 07:30

This all sounds much harder than it needs to be given that the children stay with OP several times a week. What's wrong with the children keeping clothes, toiletries, spare school uniform etc at what is effectively their second home, rather than constantly packing bags?

If the children turn up in clothes you aren't keen on, get their dad to wash them and put them away in your house and the children can wear them on the day they go home on their next visit.

milkyface · 01/09/2016 13:12

hippy is right.

It doesn't matter what you do if you're a step parent, on Mn you will always be told you're unreasonable, wrong, the other woman, you should keep out, you should involve yourself more, you should contact the ex, you should never contact the ex, etc etc etc etc oh and the ex is always right and never unreasonable, unless the ex is a man and then that's a different story.

Evilstepmum01 · 01/09/2016 13:35

milkyface agree. You just cant win, can you?

So, as DSD's DM dresses her as a chav and we have joint custody and her own room at our house, we dont send her back in our nice clothes. Her mums clothed are returned clean and on her when she goes back to DM.. Easy.
Although when DSD comes to us in shoes and socks (sadly regularly) that are too small for her and are cutting/rubbing/hurting and falling off her feet, then we throw those out and politely suggest other options.

HeddaLettuce · 01/09/2016 13:37

AIBU to not want to the kids to wear the clothes I've bought for them to wear at ours, when they go home?

So are they supposed to change into your clothes as soon as they get to your house, and change out of them again before they leave? And you think thats normal and acceptable?
Think again.

BlackberryandNettle · 01/09/2016 15:23

I think yanbu. You've already contributed to their general clothing for use everywhere so it makes sense to keep a few things just at your place so they're to hand when needed.

Chloecoconut · 01/09/2016 16:56

As a RP and step mum I get this from both sides. It's not always a case that 'the clothes are the childs' works - in an ideal world it would but we're not in an ideal world!

My DSD is sent to us with varying items of clothing. Sometimes a whole set, sometimes just a pair of pants. Clothes that we've bought so that she has a change of clothes here (we have her 1 night per fortnight) get worn back to home and then are never seen again. If she's then sent with just a change of underwear it makes things tricky so I wash (overnight) whatever she arrives in and she has a shower before she goes home so puts back on whatever she came in and the clothes we have bought for her stay here. If she gets clothes as presents then they go wherever DSD wants them to. My DP pays a lot of maintenance so it's not like her mum can't afford to clothe DSD.

My ex has my kids on a pick up from school and drop back to school rota (4 nights EOW). He pays naff all maintenance so unless the kids need something specific I don't send clothes with them. I've done this before and things just don't come back.

Myusernameismyusername · 01/09/2016 17:01

All this made my poor kids so miserable when exdps evil gf did this. For years. God I hated her for it. She even reironed things in front of them.

All it does is upset the kids. Just think about what's good for them

WhooooAmI24601 · 01/09/2016 17:02

I send DS to Ex's house with a backpack containing his stuff, he's 10 now so I trust him to put in what he needs. Ex has clothes at his house; some I've bought that DS has left there, some which Ex has bought and kept. He'll ask me if he's running low on big stuff like hoodies and jeans, but pyjamas, socks and pants he'll buy. He doesn't like the feel of certain clothes (he has ASD) and I suppose I've told Ex in the past what he will/won't wear. But we both buy stuff we know won't aggravate him.

Arguing over clothes and stuff at their Dads houses sounds like bloody hard work to be honest and I think we're too laid-back to bother with it.

zoobeedoo · 01/09/2016 17:17

Partner's son often arrives in his school uniform on a Friday with no clothes to change into with him. He would then go home in things paid for by me (partner was on low income due to retraining and child maintenance and bills left him with nothing spare) I have bought so many clothes for this child over the past two years I think I have done more than my fair share, as well as clothing my own son. Now if he arrives in school uniform, he wears his normal clothes all weekend, and then I'm sorry to say, goes home in his uniform on the Sunday night before getting changed again. We were sending home a set of clothes every weekend. It's amazing to think that anyone would expect this.

doing · 01/09/2016 17:23

I send my kids for access in lovely clothes and I expect to get those clothes back with the child.

If they come home with bits of kit from ex then it gets returned the next time.

It seems easiest to me. I don't want to buy a £60 jacket and never see it again. I also need to keep tabs on what she's got so that she's got stuff for each occasion. No way is she going to ex in the summer dress if it's not going to be available for her to wear the next time she needs to wear it.

Makes total sense.

deVelvet · 01/09/2016 17:26

Yes doing. Nothing worse than going to the wardrobe knowing exactly what you're looking for and occasion specific to then realise that the garment is in another house.

With the amount of to'ing and fro'ing someone has to prioritise practicality or else you'd need to do a bleeding stock check every week.

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