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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I'd had c-sections?

103 replies

restofthetimes · 30/08/2016 16:14

My two best friends have both split up with the fathers of their children, and have met new partners - one serious, and other having fun.

They both mentioned how pleased they are they had sections for their children, as their vayjays are still unscathed. (They didn't choose them at the time, had emergencies, then planned for second babies). Now this isn't something you'd discuss with a new nct or school gate type friend. But these girls I've known since I was 7.

I'm quite unhappy with DH - not so bothered, but partly I do think I'd have more confidence with a new partner if there weren't changes (probably discernible only to me) down there.

Has anyone else ever thought of this? It is horribly unfeminist of me?

OP posts:
MLGs · 30/08/2016 16:20

Hello OP.

I might be able to put your mind at rest.

I have had two vaginal births, including Ds with massive shoulders (both with big heads as it happens too). Split up with stbxh beginning of this year.

I was a little bit worried to tbh, for the reasons you mention (again probably only discernable to me) but can happily report I have been seeing lovely new man for a few of months with no complaints whatsoever.

GrumpyInsomniac · 30/08/2016 16:24

I don't think it's a feminist thing - it's your self-confidence, and as such something you have to determine for yourself.

I could tell from how mooncups fitted pre and post birth that things had been somewhat rearranged, but I know for a fact that this hasn't caused any loss of satisfaction for DH. Arousal and orgasm are not dependent on having a 'perfect' or 'unscathed' vagina, for him or me.

If it really bothers you, there are electronic kegel stimulators you can use to improve the muscle tone. I have a friend who swears by hers, so may be worth trying that instead?

NancyNamechange · 30/08/2016 16:28

I haven't had a baby but I always assumed that with kegel exercises most things go back to normal?

Maybe I'm in for a shock

DoinItFine · 30/08/2016 16:29

It's sad that you live in such a misogynist culture that it is conventional wisdom that women who have had vaginal births are no longer optimally tight fuck holes for men's important penises.

I thought this was going to be about some terrible birth injuries.

I thinm if you split up with your H, you should maybe stay single for a bit and learn to value yourself and your body differently.

Trifleorbust · 30/08/2016 16:31

I think it's a bit sad that people feel they have to have 'perfect' vaginas after giving birth. I know you can't help the way you feel, OP, but if you've had children and all isn't quite as it was before, that is because you have done something amazing. Any man who has any issue with that (and I doubt massively that most men do or would notice these things!) isn't worth your time.

SleepFreeZone · 30/08/2016 16:37

I fought tooth a nail to have both mine vaginally. My DP said he can't feel any difference. I wouldn't worry about it, there's plenty you can do.

MaudGonneMad · 30/08/2016 16:39

It's sad that you live in such a misogynist culture that it is conventional wisdom that women who have had vaginal births are no longer optimally tight fuck holes for men's important penises.

Agree with this.

SleepFreeZone · 30/08/2016 16:39

Plus my children are my primary focus now and I really don't care if a man doesn't consider me as fuckable as someone else. My priorities have changed and whilst I still make an effort to look nice, I'm not trying to compete with a childless twenty year old.

PastaPrincess · 30/08/2016 16:39

I'd rather have a saggy vag than traumatic memories, a big scar and a lovely fat apron.

mrsvilliers · 30/08/2016 16:41

OP I've had two sections. My lower abs are a train wreck, fatty overhang and horrid red raised scarring. After I have a shower I have to lift the overhang a bit to make sure it's dry. I am the size I was pre dc (10-12) but the overhang is quite simply grim. Am saying this in the hope it consoles you a bit! Do you think your friends might be overcompensating in these conversations?

Any man worth his salt is not going to mind.

Idliketobeabutterfly · 30/08/2016 16:41

Never had any issues with mine and had a vaginal birth. Personally I'm glad I didn't have the CS the doctor wanted as I recovered really fast after birth.

MLGs · 30/08/2016 16:42

It is sad that such a culture prevails, but surely can't criticise op because it has crossed her mind?

I would never have wished I'd had major surgery instead, but there is a nervousness about sleeping with someone else after babies (i.e. not their df).

Just a thought, these women may have their own insecurities about their scars that they are covering up for, and inadvertently projecting that on to you. Equally sad if they do, but women are often made to feel that way by society.

Porcupinetree · 30/08/2016 16:43

I too thought this would be about terrible birth injuries which I care far more about that being an optimal shag!

WalrusGumboot · 30/08/2016 16:44

Wow, think I've heard everything now. What a sad attitude!

JemimaMuddledUp · 30/08/2016 16:45

I've had 2 c-sections and a vaginal birth.

I am more self conscious of my scar than anything else.

YABU.

ApocalypseSlough · 30/08/2016 16:45

That's pretty unclassy of your friends to mention it.

TheNaze73 · 30/08/2016 16:45

doinitfine Well said

ApocalypseSlough · 30/08/2016 16:45

^^ but most of all just not true for the reasons other posters have mentioned.

HyacinthFuckit · 30/08/2016 16:48

Fuck off pasta princess. From someone who's done it both ways.

Branleuse · 30/08/2016 16:50

most of the stretching and changes happen during pregnancy and labour - did you not get a look at your pregnant fanny? They go huge.

Also an emergency section would usually be after a fair bit of labour anyway, so the vagina and cervix will have stretched a lot more anyway. The only bit your friends will have managed to avoid is the crowning bit at the end, and theyve had to have some emergency major abdominal surgery. Its really not something to be jealous of. I think let your friends kid themselves that it means theyre unscathed, but try not to let it make you feel bad about your own genitals. The majority of them go back into shape perfectly adequately even after a vaginal birth

MrsBobDylan · 30/08/2016 16:50

I think you are focussing on the wrong worry. First you need to look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay in it, if you don't you then need to sort out everything that separating brings, after that you need to try to meet someone you want to be with and only when you've done all that should you start worrying about your vagina.

My guess is that vagina size is a bit like penis size and mostly unimportant in determining how well a couple get on and their sexual chemistry.

pollyblack · 30/08/2016 16:51

I wish I'd had a csection, i had a horrible traumatic birth 10 yrs ago and have wrecked bits, ongoing health and confidence issues.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 30/08/2016 16:53

I'm not self concious about my actual scar but c section overhang is very real sadly Sad although I have heard people say they have it from a vaginal birth so not sure. I had twins so didn't really expect much after!

DoinItFine · 30/08/2016 16:56

I'd rather have a saggy vag than traumatic memories, a big scar and a lovely fat apron.

Ugh

I'd rather have some self respect and solidarity with women who gave birth differently than an unblemished abdomen.

WalrusGumboot · 30/08/2016 16:57

Flowers polly. That sounds completely different.