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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wipe my 6 year olds arse and ignore his current meltdown?

239 replies

Changedmymindagain · 30/08/2016 14:07

He wipes it in school, but refuses to do it at home insisting me or his dad does it. I'be just refused and he's currently having a meltdown on the toilet.

AIBU to expect him to wipe it himself?

OP posts:
tulippa · 31/08/2016 17:00

Have only read first page but I remember on the day we moved into our house (an old terraced one so bathroom has adjoining wall with next door) while I was brushing my teeth I heard "Muuuuuummm! Come and wipe me arrrrrsse!" through the wall. My first thought was Shock then I thought well really if he's old enough to be using that terminology he's old enough to be doing it himself!

biscuitz72 · 31/08/2016 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving · 31/08/2016 19:17

Bloody hell, If you wipe a 12 year old's arse, when they have no disability or special needs, there is something wrong with you.
There is no reason or excuse for it whether you believe there is or not.
Poor child.

youarenotkiddingme · 31/08/2016 19:20

I hear you about the amount of loo roll! Since Ds has tried doing it himself my consumption probably equals a whole rainforest somewhere!

meyomoi · 31/08/2016 19:33

it's a case of 12 for £28, but i agree, flushable wipes seem less faff than a spray...

and OP is not being unreasonable... otherwise when will it stop??

Original poster
Changedmymindagain · 31/08/2016 23:06

12! Think I've got off lightly refusing such services at the tender age of 6! He has had another poo today, shouted for assistance. I told him how much of an excellent bum wiper he was yesterday and I'd like to see him do this again. Bum wiped, no tears or tantrums. I feel liberated.... Wink

OP posts:
BromidePlease · 01/09/2016 00:06

Wiping the bums of 12 year olds who don't have additional needs??!

I was a decidedly late developer in terms of spatial awareness/coordination and (according to my dear old mama) the last time anybody wiped my arse was about 48 hours after my 3rd birthday.

For a NT child without any physical difficulties there is absolutely no excuse. It's just applying pressure with paper. Why on earth would you clean and inspect the anus of a borderline adolescent who could probably have done so themselves for not that far off a decade?

Juanbablo · 01/09/2016 06:53

As I said earlier I haven't wiped my kids bums since they were 3, they have NEVER had dirty pants or sore bums so I assume they are doing a good job! Ds1 who is 8 would absolutely never let me wipe his bum, he won't let us in the bathroom when he is going to the toilet. I cannot imagine wiping a 12 year old's bum.

Javabeansaintgeorge · 01/09/2016 09:14

I cannot imagine wiping a 12 year old's bum.

It's really no different to wiping a 3 year olds bum.

Sallystyle · 01/09/2016 09:31

It's really no different to wiping a 3 year olds bum.

It should be.

The act of wiping a bum might be the same but it is ridiculous to wipe a 12 year old's bum if they have no additional needs.

My 12 year old had pubic hair FFS. He was developing and wanting privacy. If your 12 year old can't wipe their own bum properly then you have gone wrong somewhere with teaching them basic hygiene.

You can keep pretending it is normal and fine, but it really isn't.

Javabeansaintgeorge · 01/09/2016 10:01

I'm not sure why it upsets you.
We are all just doing what works and is best for our family U2.

My 12 year old has no public hair, not that it should matter.Hmm

ElspethFlashman · 01/09/2016 10:17

I'm a nurse - I have wiped more adult arses than I've had hot dinners. But those people couldn't do it themselves.

Even then, you are trained to spot "learned helplessness" and you activately encourage independence in toileting. There are plenty of patients with nothing wrong with their arms or hands who don't even reach for the toilet paper just because they are a bit stiff or have problems with mobility. They literally present their dirty bottom to you. In those cases, you gently tell them you're going to let them try themselves.

I was talking up thread about someone I know washing their almost 16 year old daughter's hair in the shower for her every day. I asked her why: "She finds it hard to rinse it properly and I don't mind". But now that daughter is convinced only Mum can rinse her hair properly! It is learned helplessness.

If someone can physically attend to their own hygiene, then they need to try. And they need to be encouraged to keep trying every day.

gamerchick · 01/09/2016 10:19

It has seemed to have upset you rather a lot U2 it really doesn't matter.

Also again there's no such thing as a flushable wipe. None, even if it says so on the packet!

GunnyHighway · 01/09/2016 10:21

OP it's been several days since the original post. Does he have a clean bum now?

Sallystyle · 01/09/2016 10:43

No, I'm not upset. I disagree with it but it isn't upsetting me.

If someone can physically attend to their own hygiene, then they need to try. And they need to be encouraged to keep trying every day.

Yep, exactly this.

I have also cleaned bums from all ages at work and like you Elspeth I encourage independence where I can. If you can wipe your own bum you wipe it. There is no reason why a 12 year old without additional needs can't wipe their own bum and doing it for them is not being helpful, it is taking away independence over a very basic task.

JinkxMonsoon · 01/09/2016 11:07

I agree with U2. It really makes no difference to me personally if Java wipes her 12 year old's bottom for them, but there's no need to roll out the "it's what works for our family" line. That's a cop out Wink

There is really no circumstance in which you should be wiping a 12 year old (with no disabilities or skin conditions or additional needs)'s bottom. None. Because how could arse wiping possibly be so difficult a 12 year old can't manage it for themselves?

Clearly, no one in the family questions it because it's just what you've always done, since babyhood. But it's a learned helplessness, like Elspeth said.

Marynary · 01/09/2016 11:13

We are all just doing what works and is best for our family U2.

How can it be "best" for a 12 year old (or their family!) to be incapable of wiping their own bottom??

YelloDraw · 01/09/2016 11:17

Wiping a 12 year olds bum unless they really really REALLY can't do it themselves is seriously strange. Its a bit arm chair psychologist but seems more about the mothers need to be needed than about doing the best thing for the child re helping them grow into an independent happy adult.

Gottagetmoving · 01/09/2016 12:34

I'm not sure why it upsets you.We are all just doing what works and is best for our family U2

No one is upset about it - they are probably shocked.
Works best for your family to wipe a 12 year olds bum? How? Why?
You are stopping a young adolescent from developing basic hygiene skills and making them dependent on you. It is unhealthy and really bad parenting.

Juanbablo · 01/09/2016 12:38

How is it no different to wiping a 3 year old's bum? A 3 year old is a toddler, probably fairly recently toilet trained and their parents probably still do a lot to help them. A 12 year old is probably entering puberty and hopefully pretty independent. If I have to wipe my 12year old's bottoms then I think I will have gone wrong somewhere.

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2016 14:10

It really is not normal to wipe a 12 year old's bum who doesn't have any additional needs. Imagine if other children found out at school? He would never ever live that down. You really need to teach a 12 year old wipe their own bum, you say they tend to hold it which is unhealthy and blooming strange!

MindSweeper · 01/09/2016 14:28

I would have died with embarrassment at having my arse wiped for me past the age of 5. I'm not sure if I was just uber independent or what, this thread has shocked me.

MindSweeper · 01/09/2016 14:29

Wiping a NT 12 year olds ass, do you spoon feed them too? Dress them?

MindSweeper · 01/09/2016 14:33

It's really no different to wiping a 3 year olds bum.

Yes it bloody well is, you do a 3 year olds because they cannot physically or mentally do it for themselves.

Your son is perfectly capable but he's getting mummy to do it for him.

Mumsnet never ever fails to shock me.

JacquesHammer · 01/09/2016 14:37

I would have died with embarrassment at having my arse wiped for me past the age of 5. I'm not sure if I was just uber independent or what

No you were just probably lucky enough not to be suffering on occasion from really bad eczema.

And my DD absolutely doesn't feel embarrassed - I have made sure she doesn't because she can't help it

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