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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wipe my 6 year olds arse and ignore his current meltdown?

239 replies

Changedmymindagain · 30/08/2016 14:07

He wipes it in school, but refuses to do it at home insisting me or his dad does it. I'be just refused and he's currently having a meltdown on the toilet.

AIBU to expect him to wipe it himself?

OP posts:
ButtMuncher · 30/08/2016 18:47

I don't know anybody with a 6 y/o that wipes their children's bottoms actually. So it's not just MN. It's actually pretty normal for kids to be self wiping before school so....

We stopped doing it for DSS when he was 5. He is perfectly capable of doing it himself - we have flushable wipes, normal roll and he's rarely had an accident in the year + he's been doing it alone. His Mum wiped his bum up until mid point this year, but only because he'd demand it of her and she'd do it regardless. DP had a chat with her and she now makes him do it himself too.

If he has a sore bum or illness we of course will help out as that's different, but for an everyday, bog standard crap, DSS is perfectly capable. Tbh, he's probably more capable than his Dad Grin

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 30/08/2016 19:17

Depends on the child, surely. Lots are going to the loo completely independently from about 4, some take a lot longer, some need help from time to time and some will always need help.

In your case, from what you have said about your DS, YANBU!

Can't remember how old DD was but she was a right wotsit with arse wiping. We had a system where she would 'have a go' and then one of us would go in and 'check' - i.e. wipe whatever she hadn't managed. This went on for months and I could not figure out how she wasn't getting any better at it - until the day I noticed there wasn't actually any loo paper in the loo Hmm

So the next time she yelled, 'MUUUUM I wiped my BUUUUM can you come and check?' I went in and said, 'I think you're grown up enough now to check your own bum.'

'WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH' for 10 minutes then this little voice, 'can I do it really slowly?' Grin

She managed perfectly well from that day on.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 30/08/2016 19:24

Mine are now 13 and 20 - I can confirm that there has been no 'wiping assistance' for many years :)

gamerchick · 30/08/2016 20:17

There's no such thing as a flushable wipe!

paxillin · 30/08/2016 20:31

I'm not suggesting they won't learn wiping or there is any harm. Of course they won't call at 30.

I am saying I am not a servant. Shit is gross. I don't serve someone by handling their shit who can do it alone.

cece · 30/08/2016 20:41

My 7 year old has toileting issues and has a diagnosis of ADHD with a query over ASD as well.

TBH he has only been agreeable to sitting on the toilet to attempt a poo in the last 6 months. However, the past few weeks I have been making him wipe his own arse. Whether he has done one in the loo or his pants. He has not been happy and we have had several meltdowns.

Tonight he did a massive one in his pants which he then left in there for a while. It was very squidgy. I have bought him latex gloves and he has been using the flushable wipes. He did very well as it was everywhere and when he asked to check I did do a few wipes to finish off the clean up - it was down his legs and on his balls too! Yuck.

SomedayBaby · 30/08/2016 20:44

Ds2 is 6 and I refuse to wipe his bum - he sometimes calls down and half-heartedly tries his luck but I tell him to try himself.

6 is plenty old enough to do it themselves. I understand why some people put it off because it's messy at first but if they don't practice it will never get better.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 30/08/2016 21:10

We had wipes & nappy sacs to put the wipes in, for 'checking themselves' until they got better at it and anytime after they wanted to use them, but we explained it's not good for the environment to use all that stuff, so they only use them when they feel it's really necessary.

There's a HUGE differences between a child that genuinely needs help & one that's just being a lazy little sod.

But I'll tell you something for nothing...unless there is Sen or medical needs, there's no way on this little green earth I'm 'helping' when they're able.

JacquesHammer poor DD 💐 I'd definitely do whatever I could to help her too, period or not.

JacquesHammer · 30/08/2016 22:08

CafeCreme thank you. I was starting to question myself a bit there. It may not be an issue, we're getting better at controlling it and have less and less flairs of that level and they're getting further apart. I just want DD to know that I am totally happy to help her if she needs it.

JacquesHammer · 30/08/2016 22:09

Flares. Sheesh

youarenotkiddingme · 30/08/2016 22:26

Jacques of course you're doing the right thing. Your supporting your DD. Flowers I still have to assist Ds occasionally and he's just turned 12. He didn't do it at all until a few months ago.
I didnt worry - I was grateful we'd moved on from the smearing of 6 years ago!

mummyto2monkeys · 30/08/2016 23:35

I apologise, the links to the foam were for the bulk pack that I buy for myself (I am disabled and bedbound and this stuff is great for those days I am too poorly for a shower). That box lasts me for months on end! You can buy them individually at £4 a tin or amazon sell a pack of three for £8.70

www.amazon.co.uk/Vernacare-Senset-Cleansing-Foam-Triple/dp/B018CTRQRA/ref=sr_1_2_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1472595969&sr=8-2&keywords=Senset+foam

I got used to the foam in hospital, so purchased it in bulk when I got home. My ds quickly realised that it helped him to wipe his own bottom! My ds is autistic and has sensory issues and anxiety about not being clean enough so this foam helped us. I'm not that precious about my sons bottom that I would spend £28 a tin for a clean bum, gosh I should go the whole hog and organised silk toilet paper...... Or just flush my money straight down the loo.....

SnowBodyforrrrm · 31/08/2016 00:46

My DD (turned 4 in June) is starting reception next week. She still calls me (or her twin) to wipe her bum. I've been trying to get her to do it herself over the summer but she refuses. I explained she'll have to when she's at school. She then explained to me that infact she won't, she'll just pull her trousers up (she's wearing a dress 🙈) and her knickers and carry on with her day. She has a great sense of humour so hoping she's having me on and gives it a go herself or gets her sister in discretely to do it until she's able I have enough skids to deal with with my two slightly older sons who seem to forget or give up wiping from time to time

Onefourseventwofivenine · 31/08/2016 02:00

My DD (9) has had chronic kidney disease since she was two and her meds make her poo's messy. I have always wiped her bum for her, because it's hard for her to clean herself up properly, and I would rather be a bum wiper than have her uncomfortable, smelly and, potentially, risking infection. Obviously, she wipes her own bum at school and doesn't have skid marks in her pants, so she's fully capable of cleaning herself properly even with school loo paper, but why should she have to do that at home when it takes me seconds to do it and is really no bother at all? She's my kid, I love her, bum wiping is just part of the deal. Recently, she's been doing it herself at home too on occasion, which is great (apart from leaving the used wipes on the top of the cistern instead of in the bin Hmm) but it's more usual to hear 'Mummy, I've finished' and go into the bathroom to find her sitting there reading a book and waiting for me to wipe and swipe. It doesn't make me worry about her developmental progress. I know that there will come a time soon when she won't want me to wipe her bum and it will be just be another part of growing up.

KoalaDownUnder · 31/08/2016 02:01

My Ds still asks now occasionally when he's struggling and he's just turned 12.

Are there other issues at play?

I can't figure out how an almost-teenager could be 'struggling'. It's a pretty simple concept.

CheerfulYank · 31/08/2016 02:10

No one wipes an NT 12 year olds bum, surely?! Shock

Jaderuby · 31/08/2016 02:41

I wipe my 8 year old and will be doing so for a while yet.

He has EEC syndrome meaning the fingers on one of his hands are joined.

Jaderuby · 31/08/2016 02:43

I think we can assume the 12 year old has a disability without even questioning it fact.

avamiah · 31/08/2016 02:52

Jaderuby ,
Well yes that's what I would think without question.
However without sounding ridiculous, we can't be sure.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/08/2016 03:19

Didn't wipe either of mine after the age of 3. Preschool teachers don't generally do it and unless there is a disability involved kids are capable at that age. So yabu to have been doing it until now imo

Juanbablo · 31/08/2016 05:55

Yanbu. I haven't wiped my kids bums for years. They are 8 and 6. I will be wiping 2 year old's bum for while but he's still in nappies. I taught the others how to wipe over the summer before they started school nursery so they were 3. And that was that.

Jaderuby · 31/08/2016 08:04

Jaderuby ,
Well yes that's what I would think without question.
However without sounding ridiculous, we can't be sure.

We can be sure, no child of 12 without a disability will want a parent wiping.

SatsukiKusakabe · 31/08/2016 09:13

I hope people realise that some children may not have enough difficulties to require a diagnosis of something, but still enough to struggle in some areas and require help later on than you may have experience of. A little understanding that others may have different experiences to you doesn't hurt.

It is not true about preschool - my ds was helped to clean up both there and in Reception when he was having problems. Their expectations of very young children is not so high as all that, having seen a wide range of capabilities. You can't have a blanket statement of when children should be able to manage certain things, and the NT proviso isn't enough; NT children can have anxieties and physical issues too. I consider the mental and emotional side just as important to take into account as the physical. My ds struggled with all sorts of physical stuff that others take for granted in preschoolers; clothes, toileting, only really getting it at over 5, but still needing help. I posted a thread on here about TT at 3 and a half saying he couldn't get his trousers up and down and got a lot of replies asking why on earth not - Well, he just couldn't! However, he was talking in full sentences at 18 months, while his sister only has a few words at two and a half but can dress herself and clean herself now already. It would be nonsense for me to generalise for others based on what she is capable of.

Sallystyle · 31/08/2016 09:25

NWIH would I be wiping a 6 year olds bum.

FFS unless they have additional needs they can manage themselves, or should if they have been taught from a young age how to do basic self care.

Mind you, I was shocked when a friend admitted to showering her 9 year old. My 9 year old would look at me like I'm mad if I offered to wash her.

I am shocked that some people wipe their 9 year olds bums. That isn't normal and they should not require any help. I would wonder where I went wrong instilling independence and self care if my 9 year old asked for help with wiping their backside.

gamerchick · 31/08/2016 10:25

Heh I shower my 9 yr old as well. Although it doesn't mean much more than load the sponge and say bits and pits please. Then drying afterwards.