Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wipe my 6 year olds arse and ignore his current meltdown?

239 replies

Changedmymindagain · 30/08/2016 14:07

He wipes it in school, but refuses to do it at home insisting me or his dad does it. I'be just refused and he's currently having a meltdown on the toilet.

AIBU to expect him to wipe it himself?

OP posts:
Jasonandyawegunorts · 01/09/2016 14:41

okay, I'm going to point something out.... Everyone on the thread has agreed most 12 year old wouldn't ask for help and would be embarrassed.

I'm pretty sure that if a 12 year old still has help wiping then there is additional needs at play, Even if they are not diagnosed. There has to be something there. Phobia, a confidence issue, anxiety, therew will be some reason why a child isn't wiping.

TwentyCups · 01/09/2016 14:41

I'm really surprised by a lot of this.

If a child can do this elsewhere, there is no need to do it for them at home. Obviously if they have had an accident that's different.

If your child has no physical problems or SN and can't wipe their own bum, they need to learn, not have it done for them. It's a really basic hygiene need.

I would suggest getting some wet wipes for a child struggling to get themselves clean, and showing them how to do it properly a few times.

DancingDinosaur · 01/09/2016 14:47

I'm the arse wipe fairy in my house to my nearly 7 year old. I hate it. His poo is always runny though and he can't do it himself. Well he can, but its a mess. Dd on the other hand has managed herself since age 4. I can't believe I've been wiping arses for the best part of 10 years in total

ghostspirit · 01/09/2016 14:51

My child whos 13 has has sore skin/rash now and then. He would use cream his self. No way would I do it for him.

Sallystyle · 01/09/2016 16:35

Thank god I'm not on my own.

I thought I was losing the plot there for a bit.

I'm pretty sure that if a 12 year old still has help wiping then there is additional needs at play, Even if they are not diagnosed. There has to be something there. Phobia, a confidence issue, anxiety, there will be some reason why a child isn't wiping.

Well, if that is the case then the poster would have mentioned it I would have thought.

And I think you are wrong. Again with the learned helplessness. If an older child has never been left to their own wiping devices then it's just the norm for them, no anxiety or phobia needed. If they can't clean properly they haven't learned to because mummy and daddy sorts it for them.

Original poster
Changedmymindagain · 01/09/2016 17:36

GunnyHighway - he's been trying his luck, but I've reminded him how much of a good bum wiper he has been, and he has gone on to do it himself numerous times. I think we needed that one major breakdown to turn things round, and me sticking to my guns!

Ps no skiddy boxers! Grin

OP posts:
Marynary · 01/09/2016 18:52

I'm pretty sure that if a 12 year old still has help wiping then there is additional needs at play, Even if they are not diagnosed. There has to be something there. Phobia, a confidence issue, anxiety, therew will be some reason why a child isn't wiping.

I agree that he could have additional needs (but the poster doesn't seem to be aware of it) but it could also be that his mother has taught him that it is quite normal for your parent to do this when you are 12 so he just isn't bothering to do it himself. If that is the case she is doing him a real disservice particularly if it means that he is "holding on" while at school as he could get constipated.

dowhatnow · 01/09/2016 19:04

I stopped for DD at around 3 or 4 but Ds didn't seem to have long enough arms. He tried but just couldn't reach so I carried on doing it for him till 5 or 6. Anyone else have kids with short arms Blush

Soubriquet · 01/09/2016 19:18

I still wipe my 3 year olds but she's only recently potty trained in the last 6 weeks and for some reason she is a bit..messy with her poo. It goes everywhere. So yes I clean her up. But as soon as I know she can do it, she will bloody do it

Julia001 · 01/09/2016 19:37

This reminds me of when DS was about 4, he used to shout "Mummy I done !" (grammar pedants can do one :-)) and I used to trot off and deal with what needed to be dealt with. One day I was on the loo and I shouted " I done ! and he came trotting in and took some loo paper and was actually going to wipe my arse , such a sweetie, but yes, from about 5, unless he had a dodgy tum, he sorted his own arse out.

MindSweeper · 01/09/2016 21:09

No Jacques even then I wouldn't have got my parents. I was an extremely private child. I wouldn't even let them rub cream on my sunburned skin when I was 6. I did it mysld. I know that's weird but we were talking about how I personally feel so..

And to be honest I wasn't talking about exceptional circumstances, you need to understand your situation is different as twice now you have felt the need to defend yourself despite posters actually talking about kids who are perfectly able but won't.

user1471470568 · 02/09/2016 00:32

I have a 6 year old son who wont allow anyone near him never mind wipe his bum. However he hates going for a wee on his own at home drives me mad.

sleeponeday · 02/09/2016 00:38

I agree that he could have additional needs (but the poster doesn't seem to be aware of it) but it could also be that his mother has taught him that it is quite normal for your parent to do this when you are 12 so he just isn't bothering to do it himself. If that is the case she is doing him a real disservice particularly if it means that he is "holding on" while at school as he could get constipated.

Being completely unaware of the social and cultural implications of your mum wiping your arse at secondary school, or being sufficiently distressed or anxious about wiping that it is more important to you than the shame of being wiped, is arguably quite good evidence of some sort of additional need, diagnosed or otherwise.

I think most girls with ASD go undiagnosed in childhood, personally. And average ages of diagnosis can mean kids at secondary. I don't know why some people seem zealously determined to pin it on inferior parenting, myself. "I think you are wrong". That's hardly a reasoned and cogent argument, is it?

I also think that, having one ASD child who was "you do it" from day one, and a toddler who has been "me do it" from day one, parents tend to assume that they are responsible for their children's behaviour at a far more basic level than I think is the case. You can shape, but you can't instil. Children come with their own instincts, needs and wishes, as the poster who was unable to allow her parents even to apply her sunscreen from a very early age can show.

I just find it a bit odd, the determination of some parents to prove other parents inferior. My son will always be inferior at bum wiping to most of his peers. He will always be superior in natural kindness and innate intelligence to most of his peers. That being the case, the bum wiping seems pretty trivial, really.

Lilacpink40 · 02/09/2016 00:42

Good work change. If he's like my DS he'll try laziness out wherever possible and a few meltdowns here and there end with him giving up and getting on with life.

I'm a loving mum BTW, just like giving hugs rather than uneccessary bum wipes!

Pornflakes · 02/09/2016 10:18

FYI - this thread just made the DM!

Confused
Soubriquet · 02/09/2016 10:19

Course it did. It's perfect daily mail fodder

Marynary · 02/09/2016 10:33

Being completely unaware of the social and cultural implications of your mum wiping your arse at secondary school, or being sufficiently distressed or anxious about wiping that it is more important to you than the shame of being wiped, is arguably quite good evidence of some sort of additional need, diagnosed or otherwise.

In that case, the poster herself arguably has additional needs as she seems unaware as she seems to think there is anything strange about wiping her 12 year old's bottom. As far, as the child themselves are concerned, as I said, they may have additional needs. However, I think at that age children still may think that what happens in their house is normal and not really get the fact that other children aren't doing the same thing, particularly as it isn't something they will talk about at school.

I just find it a bit odd, the determination of some parents to prove other parents inferior.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that she is "inferior" as a parent. They are just trying to get her to understand that if he is capable of wiping his own arse he should be doing so, not only for hygeine reasons but also to prevent other problems such as constipation.

Jasonandyawegunorts · 02/09/2016 12:16

However, I think at that age children still may think that what happens in their house is normal and not really get the fact that other children aren't doing the same thing, particularly as it isn't something they will talk about at school.

I have autism and noticed things were different in terms of what i could do and what everyone else was doing about 8 and 9.

Javabeansaintgeorge · 02/09/2016 12:26

At least i didn't name DS, that would have been embarrassing for him in the paper.

youarenotkiddingme · 02/09/2016 13:04

The daily mail are pathetic. All the news in the world available to them if they had decent journalists who could access it and they pick up on a thread another arse wiping. Confused

And mostly - they pick up on a few people commenting on older children. Or rather they quoted 1 despite saying more than 1 poster admitted helping a child of 12.

Why? Oh yeah, because let's not stop the truth of the fact being the other parents said their children had SN/ disability standing the way.

It's 'news flash!' Numerous parents state they wipe child's arse at 12.
Byline, quote one parent.

Truth - most of these children have a disability.

Bigger truth - not one person has shown any compassion or empathy to these parents for the fact they have to continue all these hours of support for longer than other parents.

Absolute truth - people find it easier to judge.

And just to be picky - the OP said meltdown. This is a phrase used to describe the absolute despair reached by someone who is autistic. Not a lazy 6yo who just can't be bothered and is having a tantrum.

Mynestisfullofempty · 02/09/2016 13:06

I have heard of MILs still cutting up their son's meat. You don't do that for your 12 yr old do you?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/09/2016 13:29

I wipe my child's arse. .with the Daily Mail.

Or I would if I bought it.

youarenotkiddingme · 02/09/2016 13:30

Yes I cut up my Ds meat if he asks.

But as pointed I should outline exactly why - he has fine motor coordination disfunction and the arch in his hands for grip haven't developed.

So that is allowed right?! WinkHmm

youarenotkiddingme · 02/09/2016 13:30

Fanjo Grin