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AIBU?

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Original poster

I snooped but

303 replies

weeyin411 · 29/08/2016 01:04

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do. Angry

OP posts:
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 29/08/2016 01:07

YABU. You have invaded your son's privacy and have completely given up your right to play the moral high ground.

apatheticfallacy · 29/08/2016 01:07

How old is your son? If he's a teenager then the way he acts around his mates is going to be vastly different from the way he interacts around you. That's normal and it won't last long.

Unless you're worried someone is in any kind of danger I'd keep your nose out but continue to demonstrate positive attitudes towards women (and everyone else!)

Original poster
weeyin411 · 29/08/2016 01:09

He's 12. I don't agree I completely invaded his privacy his phone was plugged in my charger so I didn't go looking for it

OP posts:
AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 29/08/2016 01:14

That's semantics OP and you know it. Unless the phone jumped into your hand and opened his messages on its own, then you invaded his privacy.

Canyouforgiveher · 29/08/2016 01:17

He is 12. I told my children at that age (and a couple of years older) that everything they write or send on their phones or internet accounts will most likely be seen by an adult.

I don't know a parent who didn't check their 12 year olds' texts (and dead boring it is to do it).

That said, if what he said/did is within the normal range of teens talking to their mates, I might not say anything specific but would instead have a conversation about any words he uses including "whore" being utterly wrong applied to girls and also read by parents.

Then again, if he was using the N word, would everyone be cool with it and not say anything on the basis of "normal teen banter"? I doubt it. So why would I let whore go??

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 29/08/2016 01:17

I would very much look forward to that discussion:

I am very disappointed in the language I saw as I was casually snooping through your text message inbox.

AverageGayLad · 29/08/2016 01:17

What the fuck, OP. How on earth could you think that's an okay thing to do?

apatheticfallacy · 29/08/2016 01:19

You invaded his privacy wherever the phone was. I'm not sure I could say, hand on heart that I wouldn't also check all was ok if I were worried about something. But this sounds all very standard in (pre)teen social interaction. He'll become more appropriate as he gets older if you keep modelling respect etc.

Original poster
weeyin411 · 29/08/2016 01:20

Ok ok so I'm bad I shouldn't of looked...but I did. He's just started high school what if this friend did show the girl and it gets him in trouble. How can I not say anything

OP posts:
VioletBam · 29/08/2016 01:20

You need to speak to him about calling girls "whores" immediately. That shit would NOT stand in my house.

Canyouforgiveher · 29/08/2016 01:21

That's semantics OP and you know it. Unless the phone jumped into your hand and opened his messages on its own, then you invaded his privacy.

You think a 12 year old has an absolute right to privacy on his phone? Really?

LilQueenie · 29/08/2016 01:24

well lets hope his friend did show the girl and he gets in trouble for it. At least he wont get away with it. Otherwise you will have to find another way to deal with the issue without admitting what you did and if you do admit it you may well lose his trust and respect.

Semiskimmedgreymatter · 29/08/2016 01:24

I don't get this privacy thing. He's 12 ffs.
Op, you shouldn't feel bad for looking but obviously can't bring it up.
Sorry, not too much help there

Canyouforgiveher · 29/08/2016 01:25

I actually feel like I've entered a parallel universe.

I am in the US. Is it that different in the UK - at 12 you have a right to complete privacy on your phone?

Every 12 year old I have known (and I have 3 past that age) knows that parents may check their phone if they wish. It is like having a work email account - you know someone other than yourself may access it. It doesn't seen outrageous that this would be the case for a 12 year old. It is so young.

PigletJohn · 29/08/2016 01:26

Look on the bright side, he will take much more care to prevent people reading his texts and emails in future.

Sweetandsour93 · 29/08/2016 01:26

Given the fact that he's only 12 I think you are right to check what he's doing online. Using language like that needs to be dealt with. People talking about privacy need to consider his age. Children's phones should be monitored by their parents. All too often a lack of parental observation can lead to bad situations.

OneTreeHill · 29/08/2016 01:26

Honestly at 12 he shouldn't be referring to anyone as a whore but teenagers will say things to their friends that they'd never say to anyone else. I have a 12 year old DD, I know all her passwords, she knows I check what she writes but that was the deal if she wanted any social media apps.

You shouldn't have read his messages, that was wrong, you either forget about what you read or come clean and lay it all out on the table and have a proper chat.

Somerville · 29/08/2016 01:27

Why all the shock at checking children's phones?
It's the recommended thing to do.

All 3 of the schools my children are at have an annual talk about phone/internet safety with outside specialists coming in to advise. All of them say that children should have their phones and social media checked to make sure they're staying safe, not being or doing online bullying, etc.
And, indeed, that children's phones shouldn't go up to bedrooms at night, but be plugged in to charge to give parents the opportunity to check them.

I guess the fact that you hadn't told your son you'd check his phone regularly makes it harder, OP. But it's not wrong for you to do it.

Lots of helpful resources and advice from NSPCC here

228agreenend · 29/08/2016 01:27

At 12, I would definantly talk to him about it. I don't think it's invading his privacy and if the language is inappropriate, then that needs discussing.

Original poster
weeyin411 · 29/08/2016 01:27

You can't all tell me if when you clicked on the phone it actually opened on the messenger that you wouldn't have a quick look to make sure everything was ok. Come on i don't believe you wouldn't.
we not a real private family if my phone beeps and he's next to it he'll read out my texts to me

OP posts:
PinkyOfPie · 29/08/2016 01:28

YABVU. You invaded his privacy, just because he isn't allowed to use words at home doesn't mean he wouldn't use them in a private conversation to a friend.

However I wouldn't be impressed by his use of the word 'whore' to describe a female peer, although I'm not sure how you'd approach it without confessing that you'd snooped

Somerville · 29/08/2016 01:30

OP You really weren't wrong to check his phone. Even if you did it accidentally this time - next time please do it on purpose! Smile

The texts sound fairly par for the teenage course except calling a girl a whore. If she tells a teacher then he could be in trouble - would be at my DS's school, anyway.

When my children have overstepped the mark with their phone they've had it taken away and get to use a doorstop of an old Nokia for a week or a month, depending on transgression.

trashcanjunkie · 29/08/2016 01:31

personally, I regularly check my dc's phones and tablets whenever I choose to. It wouldn't be considered anything other than my normal job as a parent. They have no issue with that. If I found unacceptable language on their, I'd be having a very serious conversation about it.

PinkyOfPie · 29/08/2016 01:31

Somerville does that really recommend going through the whole of a private conversation with a known friend though, rather than say checkin for conversations with dodgy people you have never heard of?

I was a teen pre mobile phones but I remember my mum reading my diary and pen pal letters as a teen, I was completely mortified and it made me completely distrust her and I can't believe people think this lack of boundaries is ok

OneTreeHill · 29/08/2016 01:32

I do think a 12 year old has the right to privacy if that's what you've initiated at home. It's not like a work email at all, as when you receive your phone, it's yours and their's a reasonable expectation to privacy unless stated otherwise.

I do believe you should check your child's phone and monitor their online activity, however you should do it with their knowledge.

OP you've read it now and you're not going to get any peace of mind unless you confront him about it, he could get into trouble if the friend has shown the girl, so better to get ahead of it, speak to him and make sure he doesn't make a bigger mess of it.