Weeyin411, I have to ask how would you, exactly how you'd feel if your husband picked your phone and you'd feel, if he scrutinised all of your messages, and other accounts? Wouldn't you be cross that he didn't respect your privacy? We all have a right to privacy. Do you read your O/H's phone too?
Certainly I'd feel pretty guarded if my husband picked up any of my IT equipment and read my messages, without my knowledge. I get angry if anyone goes into my handbag, without my knowledge because although I don't have secrets in there, it's the only place where strictly speaking, I feel is my only sole territory.
You have, without thinking created a general feeling of mistrust and suspicion within the family. My DM used to go through all of my drawers and wardrobe. I knew she did, because she'd never remember to put things back properly, or she'd complain about how dusty the inside of my wardrobe was, which would set me thinking. She still does pick up things around the house, if they're left lying around. She still feels she has an automatic right to do that, as my mother. Hence, we're always on guard and anything that we don't want seen is tucked well away. We shouldn't feel like that in OUR own home. However, in reverse, I know without doubt she'd go bananas at the very least! I don't speak to her about private matters and in fact we've actually deliberately and considerably reduced contact.
You have, by this one single action, lost the trust of your son and addionally feel judged by you. Almost certainly anyone else in the house, including your O/H, will feel by default, those very same feelings.
How would you like it, if someone did exactly that to you? They might well use the excuse that although they're not 12, they're your O/H, older child, another adult, or that they own the piece of IT equipment, whatever, so therefore have the right. How would you feel if the tables were turned and someone picked up your phone, laptop, whatever and went through all them, reading them and passing judgment? Are you really saying you're 100% virtuous and have absolutely no secrets or banter about male men to your female friends? Or 'talk' to your female friends because you assume your
What your actions have created, is a son who's now far more guarded and secretive. All relationships should be based in trust and ultimatically you've lost that with him. Trust me, that although that although you think 'he's only 12', he'll never forget it. I know from experience.
At that age, (and yes, I have children, including a son older than yours, plus I used to actually teach English in a College of 11-18 year olds), children/young adults definitely DO have 'two' languages; one for home and one for school! They like to be seen to blend in and use language that many mothers would be shocked to hear. I used to hear it mys of and made it clear, when I heard it, by saying "sorry, but what did you just say?", more to point out that boys do tend to be loud at that age.
When boys/young men talk about women, amongst their friends, they're more often that not, boasting about their usually made up conquests and experiences, to make their friends feel inferior and make themselves superior. It's all about one up man ship. A lot of men still do it; you can overhear them in the pub(!). I don't think certain men ever outgrow it. They're trying to rate se their own self esteem at the mental cost to others. Many animal species do it too!
As for the language, that's just sheer bravado and being seen to be top dog😉. I think to a certain extent some women do it too. I'm certain your son doesn't use that language. If it were me and I was aware my son had been using derogatory language regarding women or anyone, then I'd carefully pick my moment to talk to him about it. When my own son asks how do I know about whatever he's said/been up to/ done, I just shrug my shoulders and say a little bird told me and that in future he should be careful what he says, does or been up to, It does tend to make him think twice. Plus, it demonstrates to him that I can be trusted. It means now, at the age of 21, just, that he can talk to me about anything. I just have to keep a deadpan face and never looked shocked. Like, I've been there, done that, got the hat, and got the t-shirt. 😉
For some reason older teenagers seem to think that "back in the olden days" (I keep a deadpan fan, whilst thinking "olden days", what olden days???!!!). "What old ends days, are you talking about; I'm not that old. What are you in about?" Just to make sure DS really realise that he's put his size ten feet in it and then just watch his squirm... 😂😂😂
I consider myself very lucky because my son feels he can trust me and ask or talk about anything, including sex, contraception, anything sexually related, drugs, absolutely anything, without being judged. I just keep that nonchalant deadpan face. Sometimes trying hard not to fall about laughing. But, seriously, at least he feels he can come to me. In fact, even some of his friends do too, about the above and mire important things in life. I feel blessed.