I snooped but

[weeyin411]

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do.

I think you have a major problem with the man your son is growing up to be if he is calling little girls "whores" when he is 12.

I think you need a serious series of conversations about that. Ideally involving his Dad.

(Presuming his father is not a misogynist.)

Congratulations you seem to have raised a sexist pig.

Bit harsh, he's 12yo FFS and I can't imagine he believes a girl is a whore or understands the impact of that statement.

Re the diary reading - obviously I'm not an "idiot" (thanks for that Make ) I know it's different from a phone but her sentiment was the same - to "check my safety and make sure I wasn't doing things or meeting people I shouldn't be" it was the dishonesty and sneakiness of it, and wether phone or diary there should still be a balance between privacy and checking for safety reasons. I just don't think it's necessary to go through every message of every friend on a child's phone. The software thing is a good idea I know my SIL uses it with her teen DDs it means she doesn't have to snoop on their actual devices

Anyway OP I hope whatever action you take goes down well especially re calling a girl a whore

You definitely need to talk to him about it.

Not just the language but that the "friend" has shown the girl.

You really can't put anything that you don't want others to see with friends like that!

I think you should check messages on the phones of children- mainly to ensure their safety, although a reminder that you know about their online behaviour does no harm.

DS knows that while I pay for the phone and contract and therefore any online/ phone behaviour can be traced back to me, I'll be checking his phone. Clearly this will stop as he gets older, but he hasn't asked about that yet. I've found some of the language used by his 'perfect' friend pretty shocking. I'm guessing friend's phone isn't checked often!

DS has had a couple of problems from phone use and been upset about things that have been said. I'm been pleased that he knows to talk to us about it so we can help. It's really important that children understand that this online world is monitored and supported in the same way as everything else.

Those not allowing snap chat but allow Instagram - Instagram now has a similar feature called 24 hour stories. They are time limited photos or videos and only available to view for 24 hours (so longer than snapchat) but are then deleted (so no record of them on account like snapchat) but could obviously have been screen shot etc.

Any parent of a 12 year old who thinks they should have complete privacy with their phone and Internet, is IMO extremely deluded and stupid

12 year olds still need supervision and support, they need to learn that whatever they write and put on their phone or Internet, is there FOREVER, and has the potential to be seen by millions of people. The best way to do that is for them to know their parent can look at what they are writing. That should make them think very carefully before pressing send.

When the OP can't even knock on a closed door, she obviously has unusual ideas about privacy.

Privacy doesn't mean not checking the phone, it means not snooping - so you ask, and do it in front of them, with them, you don't snoop, and because you're together doing it, you can discuss it immediately. There's no angst about it.

Yes you should talk to your son, but part of that is a need for general discussion about what is appropriate privacy that you can you agree with.

OP you have every right to look at his phone. Does anyone not check their 12year old's phone content? So you pay for your child to have access to social media and don't keep an eye on what they're sending and receiving ??
Don't be so naive people.
Op needs to talk to her son about the pitfalls of social media and emphasise that nothing, NOTHING, you post is totally private.
(It's nothing like reading another person's diary.)

I think I would admit that I'd seen it by accident and show disappointment rather than anger. If you tear a strip off him, he'll get angry and defensive back. It will achieve nothing.

Talk to him calmly. About how wrong what he wrote was, and also about anything that is put "out there" is there forever and must be assumed may be seen and remembered by people he wouldn't want to. Not just now but in the future too. Also say that you reserve the right to monitor his phones etc in the future and that you are not doing it to be mean, you are doing it because you care about him.

Are you all fucking kidding on the invasion of privacy thing?

My 12 yo DS has a dumb phone and a tablet with Internet access which he can only use in communal areas and no expectation or privacy at all.

It is really really DUMB to let kids have private access to the Internet.

The Internet is everyone every violent thug, every pedophile no fucking way would I let my 12yo access that with no supervision.

Don't be stupid.

My 12 yo DS has a dumb phone and a tablet with Internet access

Now now there's no need to insult the phone here IAm

He's got carried away but it needs reining in.

Tell him he can have the phone back after you have discussed how you speak about girls and women. Also, you need to discuss how everything he texts/messages can be kept and shown to anyone and that he needs to consider that when he types a message is it something he would want to shout out loud on a soapbox in the middle of the playground. You also need to talk to him about sexual exploitation and phones eg taking pictures/sending/receiving dodgy messages that put him or others at risk.

Then, he has to prove to you he is no longer using that language with his friends. He can only have the phone if he shows you everyday what messages he has sent and received. Tell him it is not his property but yours and that if he ever crosses the line again you will confiscate it and he'll have to wait a year before he is ready for another one, because he is obviously not ready for it now.

You need to protect him and others from abuse, educate him, and police the phone.

The software we use is Quistodio, it's great because we can use it for all devices and set up each one individually and remotely to turn off at certain times, restrict certain apps and pretty much do everything remotely. It costs money but imo very worth it. I get an email if DS's search or receive messages with trigger words in.

Like many other posters, I'm mystified by this talk of 'invading privacy'. My 12 year old is allowed to have a smartphone on the basis that I can check it at any time and will do so! She's just not old enough to chat with anyone, including adults, and send and receive pictures, which could be of anything.

Her diary is of course private, but it's not remotely similar to a smartphone!

Can't believe everyone is up in arms about checking a child's phone (which is totally reasonable for ensuring they are safe) yet if you look at the Relationships board, posters are always advised to check their DP's phone, even though that's a massive invasion of privacy

I would have a general conversation about respectful behaviour to girls, under the excuse that "now you're at school with older children" or something along those lines. something that wouldn't openly tell that you looked at his phone! He definitely needs a talking to.

He is 12. He is a child. If I was 16 or older then I would agree you were out of line checking but at 12 absolutely check his phone and accounts regularly.

Sorry posted by accident.

You need to raise it with him and he needs to apologise to the girl for the name calling. Whether her story is true or not he has been exceptionally out of line.

I don't know what I'd do in OP's situation. As soon as she said "language he's not allowed" it sounded very controlling. OP meant lots of language besides "whore", it sounds like. I would probably say a lot strongly about "whore" is always out of order, and leave him guessing whether I knew he had used that word.

DD has a 13-14yo friend "Mary", whose family are in a minority religious sect. BOYS are strictly not allowed . The mother checks the girl's phone at any time.

DD's messages to Mary are deleted immediately: because DD swears or says banter the mother disapproves of. Mary doesn't want grief off her mother "Why are you friends with her??" Mary had a brief boyfriend relationship, entirely secret from her parents. When Mary wanted to break up, the boy became abusive. I helped Mary end it, because she couldn't go to her parents, and I was horrified that Mary's only experience of having a boyfriend was going to be so bad (normally these teen relationships end in no worse than a few squabbles).

What I'm saying is that when you think you protect them by insisting you can read their phones & know everything: you may do the opposite. You could end up encouraging them to keep secrets, and lumber them with dodgy situations they have no adult support for. Giving them some some privacy & independence is part of them learning when to handle problems themselves & when to ask for help.

He's 12. I check dd's phone. She knows about it.

Chat with him about it - totally unacceptable at this age - and any other, but he's young to be using such horrible language - even if his mates do.

You should not have invaded his privacy, OP.

OP sorry I've only just seen the part which said his mate sent a screenshot to the girl in question. Given you now know this I think you should tell the boy's parents as this is utterly horrifying, the poor girl!

Weird responses on this thread!!

A 12 year old is still very much a child!! A parent SHOULD be actively checking what their kids are doing/ saying on phones, Internet etc!! If only because there is such potential for them to get themselves into a whole heap of trouble by using these in the wrong way!!

I have told my nearly ten year old, who spends a lot of time online ( teaching himself coding etc amongst other things) that Myself and his Dad will obviously be checking his usage intermittently and this is part of what we need to do to keep him safe.

A parent keeping an eye on things for such a young child is not 'snooping'!!

My 12 year old knows that I can and will check her phone useage and history.

I will do that till' she's about 15-16 I think. I don't look at her Facebook because I know she doesn't use it.