I snooped but

[weeyin411]

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do.

Canyouforgiveher - nope, not smug. Just someone who self-harmed & tried to kill herself at 13 because a boy my age did something similar to me. Why is it that society lets boys get away with being boys at 12 even when it's at the expense of girls?

weeyin411 Please don't feel bad. The fact that you are concerned shows that you are a caring mum.
You have had some harsh replies in my opinion.
Kids pick up words at school and don't know the full implication and if they feel upset they lash out.
FWIW I wish I had checked on DD when she eas 12 and realised earlier that she was looking at anorexia websites and in touch with people advocating it. This is a new era and technology is moving fast and we need to keep informed. She is 15 now, has a new phone and we have agreed that I may check it anytime. ( except I know they can talk privately on Snapchat).DD knows I will check because I care. I have told her I will relax things more between 16 and 17.
If I were you I would have the chat about how the word is not appropriate. I would not go in guns blazing but would work out with him what you will do in future. Good luck

Astoria I am so sorry about what happened to you but I think maybe you are transposing your hurt onto this situation and reading more into it.
The OP's son was obviously embarrassed by his friend and lashed out. I am sure the OP will address this with her son but what you wrote to the OP comes across as unkind.

I still randomly check my daughters phone at 14yo. Her year group have been spoken to a couple of times about specific incidences of cyber bullying. I check all her social media, text messages, emails and photos as per school/police/nspcc guidelines.

I'd definitely be speaking to my kids if language like that was being used. You've done nothing wrong OP.

I monitor my 12 year old daughter's phone. I have always told her I would, and I do. When she first got it, I used to a lot as she didn't always word things appropriately. So, I used to advise her to change things,think about tone etc...

As she has showed that she can use her phone sensibly, I've started pulling back a lot and do not check as often. Though I do every once in a while , as she has received some very inappropriate texts from boys. As she matures, I will continue pulling back until I no longer monitor her phone. Thankfully DD doesn't mind - almost all her friend's mums do the same, and her school recommends this too as responsible parenting.

I would never read her diary though, or private notes in her room. That's completely different in my book.

Oh my god, I have a 12 year old and I don't check her phone

Canyouforgiveher - nope, not smug. Just someone who self-harmed & tried to kill herself at 13 because a boy my age did something similar to me. Why is it that society lets boys get away with being boys at 12 even when it's at the expense of girls?

Who on this thread said "boys should get away with this"??

Most of us are telling the OP that she is right to check his phone and needs to act to make sure he DOESN"T act or think like this.

Some people are inexplicably saying that the 12 has a right to privacy but most of us who are parents of teens are saying no way- check it out and deal with him, this is serious.

I am sorry for your experience but it isn't fair that you tell the OP that she has reared a sexist pig. He is a 12 year old and his mother is dealing with his bad behaviour. If she was posting on here saying "read this on my son's phone but ah well boys will be boys" that is different. She is posting quite the opposite and doesn't deserve your criticism.

In the morning, ask to check his phone. Just giving a vague excuse of wanting to make sure he's safe. Then there's no need to admit to the 'snooping' of before. Sorted.
You are bound to find something, on one of his texts or snap chat, or something, that you can use to start the conversation of : polite words and also once you type it/can't take it back/viral, type conversation.

I got my first phone in yr 7 at the start, my phone was never checked, but I'm a very private person, my space is my space, I'd rather not have something than have my privacy invaded so I wouldn't use my phone when I went out for example. My mum could have grounded me but then I'd play games, if she took them away to coerce me to go out with the phone is read, etc.

But anyway at 12 I think it's wrong to invade someone's privacy if they thought they had it. Even now as an adult I would modify my behaviour and messages and my messages aren't nefarious in anyway.

Regarding the language in not sure it's not nice, i do think teenagers both boys and girls say bad things to each other in private to their friends, it doesn't make it right but I don't also think they mean it. And I think other language you probably would straight away.

Even now as an adult I would modify my behaviour

That's actually the entire point of monitoring a 12 year old's phone. you want him/her to modify his/her behaviour and not do something stupid that has long-lasting consequences.

But the thing Is I wouldn't change my mindset etc, it would just look to those reading I had or it wouldn't be discussed through that medium

I actually think from your OP that now is NOT the time to address this. You need to calm down first.

If you've never told him that you'll be checking then he WILL feel like you have invaded his privacy. So if your intent going forward is to continue to check (and address what you find) I caution you that telling him you're going to check may only lead to sneaky behaviour (deleting, private browsers etc).

As others have said, the way he speaks to you and how he speaks to his friends is bound to be different, and that's usually okay. Usually more swear words, a lot of bravado etc etc

If you ARE going to address it, I would do so calmly (your OP does not come across that way at all). I would talk about how words can hurt and that you assume he never meant for this girl to hear or see those words but sometimes we don't have control over what people see or hear, no matter whether we think we do or not, so it's best to be kind whenever possible.

I would also address the lie the girl told and tell him that it's not okay that she's lying about him, that you understand why that upset him but that he also doesn't know whether his "friend" (or someone else) is lying about what the girl said (she could be a victim of the lie as well) and other people could say he's said stuff when he hasn't. So treating her poorly isn't okay. I would also discuss ways to deal with it if it turns out she did lie (ignore, deny, laugh).

I would also ask him how he would feel if it turns out she did NOT say she had kissed him, and then his friend showed her those messages. How sad that would be for her for someone to say something nasty about her for no reason (he was upset that "she said" something about him for no reason). She could be extremely hurt and upset either way that that's how he thinks of her and he could get into some trouble at school etc if his friend shares the messages around.

Perhaps also a discussion about how a real friend wouldn't screenshot that message and send it to someone else to get him into trouble so it might be time to spend some time away from this particular boy.

you say your parent reading your text won't change your mindset, but it isn't the reading of the text that is the important thing - it is the conversation that follows. Surely a decent parent having a conversation with you about how wrong it is to call a 12 year old girl a whore is a conversation worth having.

Avenge, you might be one of those people who are utterly impervious to any guidance or conversation from a parent, but most teens and pre teens aren't like this. They actually do listen to parents and still need guidance - especially at the age of 12.

Otherwise what is it all for? What is the point? We just give up at 12 (or 9 or 8 or what age?) and say "well they are what they are?

I'm older and I can't tell you how many adults I've met who have said "my father always said .... and it really stuck with me" or "my mother couldn't stand us saying derogatory things about people and I am the same now" Adults do matter to children. What they say does have an effect. The OP owes it to her son to have a conversation with him.

And if the only effect is that he no longer calls young girls whores, even if he doesn't change his mindset, then that is still a step forward.

And I don't think calling someone a whore at 12 means they are a sexist pig, I think some posters are being a bit critical because it's a boy saying mean things to a girl, girls can be just as bad. I would say it is a bit early to use sexual put downs

Ha ha ha at PP worrying about 12 year old's right to privacy. Guidelines are to monitor and for very good reason.

OP, like you i would be horrified by that language and is something that needs to addressed. Sadly PP weirdos are more fixated on the bogus privacy issue, rather than the real issue of misogyny amongst the youth. What is your relationship like with the school? They may have more experience and knowledge to hrlp you on how to address it.

I would leave it a few days to xalm down and get a plan of attack.

I'm not saying reading and moderating is bad, but for me its a catch 22 especially in days when children are more technologically sophisticated. I don't think you should snoop if they are under the impression that you aren't but if you tell them then it's likely they'll delete something they think will be incriminating. I remember boys getting caught watching porn because they didn't delete their search history properly, now you have 10 year olds coding, deleting messages are nothing.

And I would think that kids calling other kids whores are concerning and I would want to talk about it, i wasn't sheltered but i wasn't allowed to do anything I wanted, at 12 I saw adult programmes and I wouldn't think to call someone a whore, it makes me think where they got it from and contextually.

I certainly wasn't impervious but unfortunately I don't think i got much advice from my parents. I saw my dad 2-3 hours a day weekdays because he worked nights from 5/6pm, and my mum well that's another story she wasn't a bad mum had/ has issues, didn't do anything really bad but she liked to do an activity say atleast once in the weekdays that meant from 6-10 that day I didn't see her and on weekends we saw my grandparents and my mum would do that activity again if she had time both nights, and if we weren't at my grandparents she was working the weekend and my dad "looked after" me which was literally nothing. we just didn't talk much and as such I would say it has hindered me, it's not their fault and in hindsight I did some stupid stuff.

I think guidance is good certainly and much needed, I don't feel I got much but I probably did I think many teenagers look back and distance the person they are now and sadly misremember how much advice they got from their parents. But your example phrases have brought some back to my mind and my mum jokes that when I talk to her although I don't ask directly I have a way of trying to get her guidance without asking.

And I think I was lucky with my upbringing and I think I had more advice than I realise as I said up thread and misremember. Because although I am often too abrasive and direct as an adult that I can accidentally upset others feelings ( probably an over correction of being too passive ) I was always considered the best mannered, thoughtful child and it has carried on into adulthood which unfortunately because of the area I live in sticks out like a sore thumb

Infancy just after sending although what I wrote wasn't a startling reflection on my parents. Like I say I'm probably misremembering the amount they gave me ( more my mum my dad did very little to raise me) and that's probably the key, is to monitor and guide but in a way they don't necessarily register you are doing it mostly. Now I know they didn't read my messages on my phone or MSN as my passwords haven't changed too much and they still don't know them and I kept my phone as an alarm to get up for school. But the computers at a time we're all desktops in the living room and laptops eventually also generally in the living room as we were a never a family where the children hung out in their rooms apart from sleeping. I had a TV but it was only used for Match of the day on Saturdays. So computer usage viewable to family

Infact*

You are not snooping; you are being a parent.
Phones are not private. As soon as the send button is pressed, all control & privacy is lost. The recipient could show contents to anyone. The rule in our house is don't write anything you wouldn't want your grandma to see!

I personally think looking at a 12 year olds phone is acceptable - I only have a one year old so I'll admit I don't know much about this.

I'd pull him up also and tell him it's not respectful at all to call women any of those names! Regardless of the situation

Btw I wouldn't say OPs son is sexist and some of you just lurk on AIBU to give people grief

More girls than boys tend to use the terms Slag, Whore, Slut for any given issue it appears.

I check my dds phone and she is 12. It was a condition of her getting it. I must always know when she changes her passcode and will check it. She agreed to it. She is also naive enough to believe a copy of all her text messages are on her bill, so no point deleting them.

I do think parents should be up front about wether they are doing this or not. And I do think parents should do it.

Op your son needs a talk about communicating via his phone and online.

I wouldn't call him sexist for using the word whore. He is 12 and he used a word he shouldn't have done. I would imagine most of us did around that age. But he needs to understand that it's not ok, why its not ok and he needs to be very careful about what he puts online.

However I am also concerned this girl may be spreading lies about him. I would be furious if a boy was spreading rumours like that about Dd. Especially if it upset her.

This conversation would be a lot easier if your son knew going through his phone would happen.

Madness not to check a 12 yr olds phone! We have parental software that tells us we very single thing our kids so on tablets and phones, it says who was messenger, when, what it said and the reply if they got one. It says how long they were on each app or website etc, the kids know it's there and they know it's for their own protection.

What is that software please titsalinabumsquash?

I check my 11 year olds phone and really dont understand the attitude that you shouldn't. Technology opens up a whole new world that wasnt available to us. This includes getting into trouble and doing stupid things. I would speak to your son about the implications of his choice of words which would include a pretty shitty attitude to females. A 12 year old calling a girl a whore is pretty disgusting in my book and would be of concern to me. I am pretty so many of you overlooked this in favour of the privacy argument.