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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I snooped but

303 replies

weeyin411 · 29/08/2016 01:04

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do. Angry

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 29/08/2016 10:12

I don't think a 12 yo has a right to absolute privacy on his phone. Pc or email.
You would be negligent in my opinion not to oversee electronic communication at that age.

DailyMailEthicalFail · 29/08/2016 10:13

Neither of my two have phones yet.

However, when they do, I will let them know that I will check them daily.

Mostly for any nasties they may have received.

But also in case they stupidly use words they should not, so we can ensure they don't get into trouble and hurt others.

They are young and it is a hard world to navigate and they need help and advice. Often.

And, if the Police and NSPCC recommend it then you know it makes sense!

Hoppinggreen · 29/08/2016 10:21

When, my 11 year for her phone it was with the proviso that I can check it anytime I want to.
A boy put some unpleasant things in a group chat and I was able to have a conversation with her about how unacceptable it was and for her to block him.
As she gets older and more able to deal with things I want do it but for now she needs me to do guide her through certain situations.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 29/08/2016 10:27

Like many others here I don't buy into the absolute privacy argument for a 12 yr old. Ideally though it'll be as part of dialogue where they know that checks are part of the deal of having devices and that it's aimed at protection and support. The wider issue is where you go from here in terms of letting your DS know that you'll want to bring in those checks. The respect for females discussion could possibly be framed some other way eg in response to some article you'd 'read'. It isn't helpful labelling 12 yr old as sexist - it's can be so wrapped up in the complexity of fitting within peer group and working out what's acceptable/unacceptable. It sounds more like a case of being a bit embarrassed and not thinking it through. Would still def have the 'respect' discussion though. Good luck OP - the privacy/devices thing can be a nightmare but is very much part of the brave new frontier of parenting.

flippinada · 29/08/2016 10:35

Boggling at all the how - very - dare - you outrage over violating a 12 year old's privacy by monitoring their use of social media and the Internet. That's what parents are meant to do! Glad to see an outbreak of common sense.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/08/2016 10:43

Is no-one else bothered that the girl lied about the OP's son?

SawdustInMyHair · 29/08/2016 10:53

There's a difference, though, between explaining that you may look at his phone because if his age (and who's paying for it!), and NOT having that conversation, but sneaking looks at it secretly.

NoFanJoe · 29/08/2016 11:17

For me, it's fine to snoop on a 12 year old to check they're safe. But that's not the same as snooping to micro-manage the interactions they have with peers. So for me, you don't say anything at all to him specifically about this conversation.
Having said that, it has made you aware that he's not doing very well at treating girls with respect and in pulling up friends who try to bully him. Telling him off about these particular messages may well not be the best way of helping him with those more general problems.

MrsJayy · 29/08/2016 11:18

I invaded my Dds privacy at 14 found out she was being bullied by several girls the things they were saying and doing were horrible my child was suffering in silence so yeah i invaded her privacy. Op yes you were nosey but i do think at 12 we need to monitor our children i think the swearing is normal amongst friends it is just something you need to seperate from how he speaks at home and how he speaks to his friends. Calling a girl a whore is not acceptable speak to him about it.

RaspberryOverload · 29/08/2016 11:30

I have 2 DCs, now aged 12.5 and 16.

When they got phones it was on the proviso that I was given all passwords/PINs to the phone and that it was agreed I would undertake random checks.

This was more to ensure they were safe, not being bullied and not being drawn into anything they shouldn't eg grooming.

If they had not agreed, they would not have a phone. Simple. It was also something recommended by the cyber security counsellor who came to give a talk to parents at my DCs school, in the same way you monitor online usage too. The counsellor worked closely with the police.

Once I was able to reassure myself they were sticking to internet safety, I relaxed my checking. I don't look at DD's phone at all and haven't for a couple of years now (she's 16).

So yes, I'd have had a talk with a teen who talked about girls this way, DS knows I will look at his phone at some point, until I'm as sure about his safety as I was with DD.

Boogers · 29/08/2016 11:30

DS is nearly 13 and whilst he is a child and has access to the internet on his phone, tablet and laptop I reserve the right to check any of those devices at any time to ensure his safety and check he's not doing anything inappropriate.

I used to be more lax and free about it, until school phoned me one day back in January to tell me a friend was concerned about messages DS had been sending her via Instagram - something he assured me he didn't have - and when I got hold of his phone and read his messages they were very concerning, enough to get him a CAHMS referral. He'd actually had Instagram for a year at that point and had Instagrammed family moments and pictures of the house, which I was not pleased about. It's my job as a parent to look after him, and that includes using gadgets.

WhatamessIgotinto · 29/08/2016 11:38

Parents NOT checking their young DC's phone/social media activity is a massive problem and hugely irresponsible. DS is 12 and he knows I regularly check and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't have the privilege of a phone. It's very clear who the parents do and don't check - the DC's of the ones who don't are still sending messages at 1 am and using language I wouldn't expect a kid to use. It's lazy and those who say their 12 year old should have complete privacy in this respect just can't be parsed to parent properly in my view. I see the fallout of this every day in my line of work.

WhatamessIgotinto · 29/08/2016 11:39

arsed. (obvs)

Sallystyle · 29/08/2016 11:48

My 13 year old has no right to privacy when it comes to social media or texting. There is nothing private about it in the first place.

He knows I will check it whenever I feel the need, it is a condition of being able to use the stuff.

People who keep saying you should not have invaded his privacy are being a bit stupid! I am glad my relative checked her daughter's phone, she may not have found out about the severe bullying she was going through if not. With all the online bullying, grooming etc that can go on you would be pretty stupid to think a young teen deserves online privacy.

OP, you need to talk to him obviously. He is not a sexist pig, he used sexist language but I find teens often repeat words without even really understanding the offensiveness behind them. He needs to be made aware that it is not acceptable and I wouldn't at all worry about your 'snooping', after all, it's just as well you did really isn't it?

It is decent parenting to check what they are doing online. If you are leaving a young teen to their own devices and not checking up on them then you are fucking mad.

chocoLit · 29/08/2016 11:53

Brollysmolly it's the platform most abused for bullying & forms of grooming in DHs professional experience.

It's also the one that older kids use to send their 'dirties' as they're known here. I.e their nude shots because they believe the pictures 'disappear' after a few seconds however anyone wishing to be smart can 'screen grab' them.

Thankfully she's not at that stage and we'll deal with that if and when that rears its head as an issue.

It's an absolute no in this house and she knows it. Didn't stop her sulking about it an entire oct holiday last year however removing all smart phone mobile devices and access to other platforms soon stopped that.

MrsJayy · 29/08/2016 11:54

No facebook snap chat and all the rest of it when dd1 was this age was bebo and Msn so just checking the Pc was a bit easier nowadays kids have the internet literally at their hand on everything even bloody watches i think we as a parent have a duty to keep our dc safe not just from the badman but from themselves.

Themoleisdead · 29/08/2016 11:56

You can have a discussion about the foolishness of texting things that you wouldn't want everyone to read - that once you have sent a text it is out of your control and in the public domain. As his friend has shown the text to the girl, he has learnt this the hard way.

FWIW when DC were young teens, II was very up front that I would be occasionally checking their social media/phones (I stopped when they were about 15). I think it is very different from looking at a diary which is meant to remain private- texts, photos, social media are all essentially public as what you post can be passed on to other people.

MammaTJ · 29/08/2016 11:56

My DD is 11, just! We got her a second hand iPhone 4 for her birthday. One of the conditions of her having a phone is that I or her Dad (mostly me) can ask for it at any time and check through it. She knows the rules and happily hands it over. This is open and honest and not snooping, it is parenting!

dudsville · 29/08/2016 12:05

I think if you think you have a right to check then your kids should know that you do this - get it out in the open. If you "snoop" then I think finding dirty laundry is the consequence you have to live with. If on the other hand you have an agreement in your family that you can check their use of phones and internet (which I would want too) then I think your kids have a right to know - like the pp's who spoke of their diaries being read. Snooping is underhanded, checking on behalf of their safety is not.

whattodowiththepoo · 29/08/2016 12:08

If you are going to check his phone you should have told him when he got the phone.
YABU

MrsHam13 · 29/08/2016 12:12

Twelve, your damp right I check who my daughter is communicating with and what's being said. As advised at that age by the police when they gave us a safety talk at the school and by her new secondary school.

She is pulled up for the way she behaves and has been warned if she acts abusive to anyone using her phone it will be removed.

Invading his privacy.....he's a young child! Yanbu, I would be pulling him up about the name he used to describe the girl.

eyemonster12 · 29/08/2016 12:13

Well this is tricky, eh?

I started a diary when I was 12ish that my mother read. I know that's young to expect privacy. Nonetheless, the way she reacted to what she read made me never want to tell her anything personal about myself after that point, and I haven't.

I realise that's different to checking up on what's happening when there's internet access to a world full of strangers involved.

All I'm saying is be careful how you handle it.

The gendered language and how he (possibly???) treats girls are something you need to address continually, even if you don't mention the you've read his messages.

MrsJayy · 29/08/2016 12:15

I think snooping can be helpful actually I didnt go in all guns blazing if they were swearing or a bit rude in a chat with friends however im glad i did snoop if I had told Dd i wanted to check she could have deleted messages iyswim. The bullying was the only thing I ever challanged because i needed to but swearing and stuff ignored as them being teenagers.

Dd2 was more upfront and would tell me things and show me texts I get its a balancing act and thankfully im passed all that.

JellyBelli · 29/08/2016 12:20

Its not snooping when its a parent monitoring a minor.
I am gobsmacked that there are people who think a 12 year old should be left to get on with it with no parenting.

OP, read him the riot act.

MrsJayy · 29/08/2016 12:23

Im not really suprised people are saying a 12yr old is entitled to do/say what they like on phones or online .