I snooped but

[weeyin411]

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do.

I posted my response prior to seeing the OP's post re: his age. The fact that he is 12 does change things considerably and ought to have been disclosed in the original post.

I still think it is an invasion of privacy; however, at 12 it is more understandable. OP, I would confront him, apologizing for looking and let him know exactly why you were so disturbed by what you read.

PinkyofPie - Yes, the advice we were given by the netssafe people is to keep and eye even on messages from known friends. Because

• It could be someone else posing as that friend.
• Other kids sometimes forward porn/gambling links etc. Either for shit and giggles, or because their account has been hacked.
• to make sure your child isn't being cyber bullied or doing any cyber bullying - friendships change fast at this age.
• to make sure inappropriate photos or messages aren't being sent. (Which in this case, they are.)

I believe a 12 year old deserves privacy in their personal lives, with messages they share privately with friends. If you're going through their phones at 12 and feel entitled to do so, at what age does that stop? Letting your child know you will quite happily go through their phones, diaries, online messages etc. will force them to be more secretive and I don't think you will later be able to convince them you're no longer doing it.

Another saying at that age my DD knew I could/would randomly check her phone...in fact someone swore in a text to her and I bollocked her about it ...if I hadn't access to it - the password etc I would have taken it off her.
Now at nearly 16 she has more privacy...I worry she has too much privacy but then at that age I wouldn't want my mum to know everything I was up to and she is pretty sensible...aware that not everyone online is what they seem etc, not to meet anyone...not to send images etc. I am pretty frank about these things.
I also tell her not to put anything online - even to a friend - she wouldn't want her grandma to read... these things could come back to haunt you in the future- or even sooner if you fall out with the friend.
Not sure how seriously she takes that though...

It is NOT snooping to check a 12 year olds phone. It's pretty bloody slack parenting not to!

weeyin. I have the 'pleasure' of very young teens having a meeting spot just outside my window. They all look angelic, but they have mouths like sailors! The language is vile (and I'm a potty mouth, so you know it's bad when I think it's vile!), I know how far each have got with which of the girls, which 'tactic' works well on xyz girl. Which of the girls 'put out' easily and which are 'frigid' - How 'stupid' their parents are. And their 'take' on various subjects (which can occasionally be HILARIOUS!). Their parents would be horrified I'm sure (nice leafy green area, kids at various 'good' schools)

The whole '3holes' conversation was a treat I'll tell ya 😁

YABU. Please don't tell your ds that you snooped unless you are prepared that he may never trust you again.

He knows I know the passwords I had pulled him up for swearing before. So it wouldn't be a complete shock to him that I had read it.
But the problem now is hes at the interview have to knock to enter his bedroom which I forget I go into give him something anew get a high pitched scream to get out cause he's getting changed which gives me a heart attack.

Oh and apparently when you start to notice the first few hairs of him getting a mustache saying it's cute is a no no but that's another post.

OP, also loads of good advice on the CEOP think now website. Both of how to talk to a child about something you've seen, proportional responses, and how to tighten the controls on his phone in the future, if needed. here

Everyone who thinks 12 year olds should have privacy with their devices - both the NSPCC and CEOP (Police) give the exact opposite advice to you. Who are the experts here?

Ok that sounds fair Somerville, however like a PP said it would be good if parents were honest with kids about their sporadic snooping (although I know this may lead to kids deleting stuff before their parents see).

Errrr... I pay for my kids' phones and they were only ever allowed to have them and indeed join social media on the understanding that I reserved the right to access them should I feel it appropriate and that this was for their own safety. I have rarely checked things, though there was a phase when I was concerned about my DD and we did discuss how stupid a particular boy in her class was being and possible ways of dealing with this behaviour if it continued as a result of me checking her phone... My kids are cool with this arrangement as they are confident that I don't take the mick and that it is done in their best interests. Flame me if you wish but I stand by this arrangement as sensible parenting.

I was a teen pre mobile phones but I remember my mum reading my diary and pen pal letters as a teen, I was completely mortified and it made me completely distrust her and I can't believe people think this lack of boundaries is ok

you are comparing two entirely different things. your diary is private no matter what - today, yesterday, tomorrow. Letters are private too. Your mother was wrong. But that has nothing to do with the OP and her behaviour.

Do you actually understand how phones work for teens and pre teens? That one of them might send a text and it could be copied to his entire year group with one click? Including any bad and offensive language he might use? Including anything he might have said about a specific classmate. I doubt anyone was photocopying your letters and distributing them to your entire acquaintance and interested strangers.

A 12 year old might send an inappropriate photo that could go on and on and on (I still remember when dd was 13 and a 15 year old sent a picture of his penis to his girlfriend by snapchat - except he sent it to a 13 year old with the same name by mistake and it went viral in the school among snapchat until a mother spotted it on her child's phone that evening. Anyone Irish remember the poor girl at the festival filmed giving a blowjob??

It is absolutely essential that parents check teens and pre teens phones. I did tell my pre teens/teens when they got a phone that they should presume that every word they wrote and every thing they sent was being read by a parent. But it hardly needed saying. Any young teen who thinks an adult isn't looking at his/her phone is living in cloud cuckoo land - or without adequate parental supervision.

Op ignore the shock and horror on here about 'snooping', 'invading privacy' and 'rights'. He's 12 yo and if you want to look at his phone you should.
At least now you know how he is dealing with this situation and you can address it. That's more important than the serious 'crime' of snooping

Oh definitely it's right to be honest about it. The most important thing of all is to be able to talk about how to stay safe online and all the perils and temptations. Looking behind their backs doesn't help with that - letting them know that you'll be doing it, and that they'll never be in trouble for anything they receive, and to bring anything they're unsure of to a parent immediately is the idea.

My kids have to plug their phones into the computer before they go up to bed, and know that I may look at it at any time.

I give my almost 15 YO DD's phone just a cursory glance every now and then, these days. She's had it since she was 11, is sensible, and for reasons of her own doesn't have any social media. And anytime she's got any texts or emails she's worried about she brings it to show me and we have a chat and then go from there. (The worst was a nasty bullying text she got, which said something she thought would upset me, so she showed it to my sister instead.)

My DS is 12 like OP's, and he's crossed the line a few times and lost his phone. First time for a week for forwarding a 'funny' email that was unacceptable and could have got him in trouble with school. Second time was soon after so he lost it for a month - he'd managed to work out the iTunes password and downloaded an app and spent (a very little bit of) my money on it. So I check his really often. And when he gets funny emails he now checks them with me or his older sister before he forwards them, if he's not 100% sure.
My youngest doesn't have a phone yet but knows what the rules will be and that I look at their (shared) tablet.

That last post of mine was to PinkyofPie, BTW.

Of course children have to be monitored but as OneTreeHill says the child should be made aware that parents may check their phones for anything dangerous like unfamiliar calls or contacts, or dodgy sites. But is that what the OP was doing? Or was she just reading a convo between the boy and his friend?

I just think it's important that children of that age feel able to share their thoughts with friends. I know it's hard in this day and age to keep up with them and have a balance as they have access to the whole world through their phones.

Anyway, I think the son needs to understand that his language isn't acceptable, whether that's through the school or his mother.

I think I have a right to check on him make sure everything is all right. You see it all the time about keeping your kid safe online.
It really did pop up but I thought to myself he's just started high school I'll make sure everything is OK.

I skimmed through them and all but the one was ok. Now it would of got his back up that she said they kissed and he hates people telling lies about him. So probably did the whole she's a this and that which he shouldnt of done . But the problem is this so called friend screenshot it. He said he saved it and my son he didn't know what he ment so he put the copy up laughing about it saying he was going to show her then later said he had.

I don't want my son getting in trouble cause his friend was winding him up about kissing.

Anything put on social media has about as much privacy as an ad in the local paper. Any texts or emails are about as private as chatting to a friend on the bus.

DD turned 13 today. She knows that I check her emails and her texts - not all the time, but every so often (mainly to check on notes from teachers). I'll also be checking on youtube and facebook if she gets accounts now. By the time she's 16 I would expect to have backed off.

Thank you so much to the later PPs, I was so upset by the earlier ones all flaming OP for snooping....

I have a 14 yr old. She got her first mobile aged nine. (very low tech back then, but she's had upgrade after upgrade). We have ALWAYS told her she has NO on-line privacy, and we reserve the right to look at any and every message, text, screenshot, photo and snapchat, etc etc. And we have explained this is because sending anything over the internet is equivalent to sending a postcard.

I would NEVER snoop in her bedroom, but I would and do snoop in her on-line world. And I have explained to her how words she writes as just words could get her expelled or into trouble with the police, because written words are there and damming, and kids are naive. All her feeds also come into DH's devices, so we see everything. And she knows this.

As long as you are clear and open, it's not snooping, it's protecting your child!

If you feel comfortable with letting your son know OP then there's no reason to delay talking to him about it. That his msgs can be copied and sent anywhere is a lesson he is clearly learning by himself but you can help him deal with his friend and be more respectful towards the girls in future.

It's so scary that people aren't checking their 12 year olds phones. You really do need to.

Have a look at the trailer for Kayleighs Love Story for a short film created by Leicestershire Police to be shown in schools after the murder of Kayleigh Haywood and then tell me that you don't think childrens phones should be checked.

I assumed he was in his late teens from the OP.

I bet most of the posters saying you invaded his privacy think the same - or if not aren't parents of teens but simply people who like to hang out in AIBU and stick the boot in any chance they get.

Of course you should be checking your 12 year old's texts, and he should know you do this. It's about keeping him safe as well as anything else.

Let's not start calling my son names now!

Like I said before he will know he's not allowed to talk like that so I don't need congratulated. I also said he probably did it because his friend was winding him about it to which he had said it was untrue.

To those that are comparing reading your teens phones to reading a diary, a) you're an idiot and b) missing the point entirely.

A diary was actually private. What our teens our putting online is very, very public. They shouldn't be putting anything online that they wouldn't want their own mothers to read in the first place. We are not living in 1992. We can't parent if we are either.

Congratulations you seem to have raised a sexist pig.

Glad you are so smug about your own perfect parenting Astoria (unless - oh gosh - maybe you don't have children or don't have teens).

A 12 year old is a work in progress. The OP is still actively parenting him and working to change his language and thoughts.

Did you think child rearing ended at 12 - and at 12 you have the final finished adult? How stupid is that. Your parents should have done better with you.