I snooped but

[weeyin411]

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do.

I wouldn't say anything - the incident will pass and seem significant in a year's time but if he finds out you've read his phone he won't ever forget that. I once read a group chat on the laptop of my DS - he was slightly older than 12. I regretted it so much - there was all this 'stuff' going on with a 'mate' snd it was clear he wasn't handling it well. I didn't know what to do so I worried myself sick, tried giving him 'advice' through cryptic messages every time he walked in the room and vowed never to do it again. I didn't want to tell him I'd read his private messages because I knew he'd see that as an invasion of his privacy (which it was) and it could break down trust between us - we've always been close. Sometimes kids have to work through stuff on their own. The incident blew over and is all forgotten now - he's still good friends with the boy he was having the issues with, everyone has moved on and it all seems very trivial but if DS knew I'd read his group chat that would never be forgotten.

I remember being very shocked about some things said on Facebook by my cousins daughter. I read extensively through her account and came to the conclusion it was tongue in cheek so I didn't say anything. She'd been through some really tough stuff and the last thing she needed was me wading in. She was 16 at the time. She's grown into a lovely and thoughtful adult.

Children do say awful things to and about eachother. It is up to us as adults to teach them this isn't acceptable. I agree that he will be very upset if you never told him you'd monitor his phone. So best to come up with a plan.

At what age do you stop checking?

My 12 year old knows that we expect to have the passwords for everything and may check at any time.

My kids know aged 10 & 12 that I will look at their phones occasionally. And read what's on them. All their emails come to my phone too. And they know why.

If this policy is upfront then you are being a decent parent and you should absolutely roast your son for his language. And a discussion of what whores are and do and how they might come to be where they are is also in the agenda.

Of course you should look at a 12 yr old's phone, and any social media accounts they have.

My daughter had a slagging match with another girl via text which naturally the other girls mother informed me of.

I made her read out loud the sentence she had sent to the girl.

She was horrified. Said she couldn't say those words (there was swearing in it).

It finally dawned after a conversation that by typing them she HAD said them even though she hasn't physically uttered them out loud.

It's a tough lesson that they have to learn when they realise stuff sent by text/social media is just as real & damaging as the spoken word and once it's out there they can't retract or delete it.

In her defence she was sticking up for s friend. All her swears were in the right place and the other girl is a notorious bully, has been for years.

She was however outplayed & out manoeuvred as the other girl hadn't screen grabbed her initial messages OR responses to DDs one and only message. DD was still suitably punished, although I doubt very much other girl was, and fingers crossed lesson learnt.

It's a tough environment they're growing up in with no escape thanks to mobile devices/social media. She's been told she doesn't have to be instantly available to everyone and it's lessened the stress of it all.

And sorry but against most other posters she knows that DH and I are able to check her social media sites/phone at any time. Less invasion of privacy and more about protection. At 12 she's still a child and we would monitor what she sees on TV etc so
same goes with FB/Instagram etc

We don't tend to however the deal is it's our phone, we pay for it (she goes to school some distance away so needs a phone) and if we ask to see it we can.

Good luck with that conversation OP. My DD used the word bitch (in a quote back of what other girl said) but it was still enough for me to come down on her like a tonne of bricks.

Before my 12 year old had her first phone (last summer) we had a very long chat and about appropriate behaviour with it etc. I made her very aware that every single the she writes and sends can be kept forever and seen by anyone. She also knows that I can look at her phone, as I am the person who pays for it and also to keep her safe. I have limited social media to whatsapp only at the moment too.

I wouldn't go mad op but I think you will need to have a long conversation with your ds about his attitude and use of language that is extremely hurtful. It doesn't matter if he did or didn't kiss her his response is not ok and one which could get him into trouble in the world where screen shots are taken.

A few years ago the mum of one of dd's friends came to me upset and ranting that she had called the police about a horrible incident of bullying that dd had suffered. She wanted to let me know because the police might want to talk to my daughter as she was involved (tried to get the friend and 'bully' to be friends). After she left I had a long chat went frothy at the mouth moment about why she hadn't spoken to an adult about how friend was being bullied and showed her a copy the screenshots.

Dd very good with technology went on to show me and later dd's friend and her mum that the conversations between the friend, dd, 'bully' and others had been going on several other apps and not just fb and that the friend and others had turned very unpleasant towards the 'Bully' who had then lashed out via fb the one app that friend's mum checked.

The chat with the mum about these events was very uncomfortable she had truly believed her dd to be completely innocent, she ended up having to contact the police to tell them of the developments.

I was really stunned by how naive the mum was, And also her dd who thought because had delete conversations that there would be no way to resurrect them.

What really shocked me was how quick the decision to call the police had been despite the potential implications for the 'bully' , I tend to view these type of incidents as fairly tit for tat usually.

Sorry for war and peace...if you got this far.

My DC have privacy in their rooms, but they do not have online privacy. Computers are in shared family rooms, and phones stay downstairs at night. We know their passwords. There is very good reason for this - I want to be able to monitor their online activity, and make sure they are not getting into anything inappropriate. A 12yr old calling girls 'whores' would fall into this category, IMO.

It's not that we are constantly snooping, or sitting watching over their shoulders - just that we want to maintain an air of 'openness' about these things. Which I think is healthy.

It is absolutely a fact that your child will feel their privacy has been invaded if you say you have read his messages now - so I would open up a general dialogue of what is acceptable language, how we should communicate electronically (ie. to never assume that messages/photos won't be broadcast to other friends etc) and not refer to those messages specifically.

Stress to him that things he says online or in IMs may not remain private, and to never write anything he would be uncomfortable being shown to anyone else - even teachers/parents.

"And sorry but against most other posters she knows that DH and I are able to check her social media sites/phone at any time. Less invasion of privacy and more about protection. At 12 she's still a child and we would monitor what she sees on TV etc so
same goes with FB/Instagram etc"

I agree with this 100%.

Also agree with GreenwoodTree completely.

Good luck resolving this OP. I think a long talk is in order - some great ideas here. I was particularly taken with the idea of reading out the messages.

iMatter DH works in an environment that sees daily the effects of children being unprotected on social media.

It's a no brainer in this house.

She had Instagram. As do I. Mine is a business page. Hers is not. Her account is private and she is only allowed friends on it. I had to ask her to tell me about her 500 friends as that's how many 'followers' she had. I have thousands was her reply. Mine is a BUSINESS account promoting only the business.

She was told to drop it to 200, which infuriated her so naturally she dropped me that got short shrift and I made her delete her account. She was allowed it back 6months later.

She is absolutely unequivocally NOT allowed snap chat and she knows it.

Although Instagram have now introduced a similar service

I too completely disagree that a 12 yr old is entitled to phone/online privacy. I think any agency which deals with the effects of cyber bullying/grooming would too.

I'd be having some very stern words with DS if I found out he'd used the word whore in any other context than the reading of an ancient text in English lit.

Keep parenting your way OP!

He's 13. As a parent you absolutely SHOULD be checking and monitoring his phone use. Not secretly but openly. He should know that you will do so every so often, and that it is part of the deal of him having a phone, and access to online social media etc.

12 not 13

Am pmsl at the thought of it being some gross invasion of privacy to check a 12 year old's phone :o

Of course you were not wrong to do it OP and I'd have a serious chat with him about his language.

Choclit - why have you banned snap chat? My 12 year old is asking for it (apparently she's the only one without it ) - We have said no as it sounds completely pointless for a start and I don't like the sending of pictures thing.

At 12 it is reasonable for you to check their phone. At that age, all of mine knew that I reserved the right to check their phones/social media (when 13) and emails if I wanted to. I knew their phone passcodes and social media passwords.

Brolly I'm getting the same comments re snap chat here but my eldest weren't allowed it and neither is my youngest who is, apparently, the only person in the school without it.

At 12 you absolutely should be looking through his messages but no need to be reading whole conversations and not behind his back. You need to have a talk with him.

Snap chat automatically deletes everything after they've been viewed. Although there are ways to capture and keep messages forever. So, you can't keep track of things and users are lulled into false sense of security.

Thanks. Dd explained it to us and we thought - I'm not happy with the idea of her taking pics of herself and sending them back and forth. Same applies to Instagram at the moment.

We drummed it in to Dd that anything that's written in text / email etc can be kept forever and seen by anyone and to never respond to nasty messages. Several months ago a girl sent some unpleasant texts to my Dd - my Dd didn't respond at all, but took screen shots and sent them directly to me so I could deal with it - I was very proud of her for dealing with it sensibly and not getting drawn on to a text argument.

Yes talk to him, not just about his language, but also about the screen shot and how his "friend" is trying to manipulate him. Doesn't sound like that friend is a friend at all. Sounds like he's set the whole situation up.
Our agreement is that we can check phones and iPods anytime. And no snapchat! I didn't realise Instagram had introduced something similar.

Imho

He's 12. He has no right to privacy on the Internet. I wouldn't say I'd already seen what's on his phone but I would let him know that I would be doing spot checks in future, nothing can be deleted off the Internet and if I see anything I don't like, he's basically funked as at 12 a phone and Internet connection is a privilege.

My Dd has a phone I gave it her with the condition that I know the password and will periodically check it to make sure she is safe, no one bullying over the internet etc. I do occasionally have a quick scroll through, mostly boring girls liking each others instagram pics.
I did the same with the boys, No mobile phone then, but the family computer was in the living room and I saw everything that went on. At 12 Ds wanted to look at classic cars and googled Hot rods, I heard the scream from the bathroom, he couldn't close all the pages fast enough. At this young age they still need our protection, they live in our houses under our care and we need to monitor what goes on with friends on their phones and laptops.