AIBU or did I actually ask her to babysit?

[Crisscrosscranky]

This is possibly massively outing.

DH and I went to a well known swedish furniture store today to pick some bits up. Our DD (9) didn't really want to come and I was having a text conversation with a good friend whilst we were discussing it. Friend mentioned she was having a day at home and I cheekily I suppose asked if DD could come over and play with her DS (also 9) for a couple of hours. She said yes and I thought nothing of it. DD and her DS are good friends - he's often come here to play including full days in Xmas hols when I am not working and his mum is.

Dropped her off at 11 and picked her up at 2 so 3 hours in total - she did have a sandwich there but I'd also packed her off with some malteasers to share with DS's son. They spent the whole 3 hours playing Lego.

When I picked DD up my friend asked me if I could have the £20 for her tomorrow as she's a bit skint . I asked "what for?" and she said "babysitting- it's normally £10 per hour on a Sunday but as she came here I'll do it for less". I said yes because I was a)embarrassed and b) shocked. I never would have asked anyone to actually babysit so we could go shopping - I thought she was doing me a favour

She is a childminder for her FT job but she's not my DD's minder. DD goes to school with her DS and I see mum socially without the kids normally to get drunk. Thinking about it DD has never been there to play without me but like I say her DS has been to our.

AIBU to think I was asking for a playdate hate that termor did I actually ask her to babysit?!

There's a difference in perception isn't there?

OP thought she was asking a friend a favour and felt comfortable doing so as it was a friend, and she had provided childcare herself in the past for the friend so saw it as a reciprocal thing.

OP's friend presumably saw herself as a professional being asked to provide a professional service at short notice, for which she expected to be paid. Yes, she may be fed up at the end of the school holidays about all the "playdate" requests from working parents that were really about her being pushed into providing free childcare.

Lots of threads on here about various professions and expectations of providing services free or at mates rates for family, friends, Doreen next door's second cousin etc. Her wish to be paid is not in and of itself unreasonable, it's her call as to where she sets her boundaries.

Her mistake was in not discussing terms & conditions at the start - to ask for payment afterwards with no prior mention of it is pretty poor. I'd be annoyed about being treated like that by someone I had thought of as a friend. I'd probably pay to avoid a row but never again offer or request favours.

I'd just pay and forget about it. Chalk it up to experience.

YANBU.
I'd feel sad about it as well and if it wasn't for the fact that your DD presumably enjoys her friendship with her DS then I'd be winding the relationship right back to zero.

I wouldn't be offering to have her DS going forward, if she asks then I'd be unable to stop myself making a petty remark about charging mates rates.

SIBU. I agree with talking it out, though. Misunderstandings happen.

It doesn't matter that the friend's a childminder. She has her own child, who is a friend of OP's daughter. If she's going to charge an hourly rate for every time her kid's friends come over, that child's going to end up lonely!

If your DC visits a friend for tea and the friend's parent's a cook, do you expect to pay for tea at that house, and that house only?

It's not as if I don't understand the problem of piss-takers. I've had people asking me to "just" make a website for them or getting annoyed at my charging the proper rate for some design work. But I'll still make someone a birthday card or fix a little tech problem as a favour!

I don't think it's cheeky to ask. I've babysat for all sorts of reasons maybe I'm just a bit more laid back.

Not too long ago there was a thread about the cheekiest childcare of the summer threads running. Without fail mumsnet posters were advocating charging the person that asked for the "favour".

Yes Minions I might, if I thought the 'small issue' was indicative of a bigger issue, such as the parents being disingenuous and mean as seems to be the case here. I feel sorry for OP's daughter knowing she can't go round to this friends as just a friend but is instead regarded as work for the parent, that in itself is enough to make the friendship problematic.

Sure enough she asks if her DD can come over, like a fool ive said yes but I really wanted a day off minding other peoples kids... what would MN do?

Why not say no then?!

Zucker Weren't quite a few of the cheeky requests on that other thread from people that the posters barely knew to nod or say hello to at the school gate though and not, like in this case, 'good friends'?

Why not say no then?!

Exactly. I'm a bit tired of Mumsnet being painted as a deep pool of passive-aggression. Two of the most repeated phrases on here are "No is a complete sentence" and "That doesn't work for me right now."

Either of which could have been used by the childminder/friend, along with "Sure, but I'll need to charge my hourly rate." She was the passive-aggressive one.

Exactly!

Either say-

1. no, sorry-we are planning a quiet day just the two of us OR
2. I've been used as the unpaid help this summer so I've made the harsh decision to charge the going rate for any childcare so yes, in theory that's fine, but it's up to you if you don't want to pay.

I got a reply to my text- it just said "OK thanks Hun xxx"

How did you word the original request crisscross?

Blimey, I'm a child minder and one of my best friends is a nanny. We frequently have each other's children, and other friends children as favours for each other if one of us wants to go shopping or similar. I would never dream of charging a friend for one off or occasional impromptu visits. Actually I would be embarrassed, and would certainly never feel able to ask the favour in return.

And if one friend in particular anyone asks me to have their children and I think they are taking the piss or I just don't feel like it or it interferes with my family time etc there a little magic work I can use "no",

It doesn't sound like you asked her to sit but my friend is a childminder and I always check if it's going to be a paid day or a 'playdate' with the phrase 'let me know how much I'll owe you' if I go in assuming it's a paid day then it's lovely when sometimes it's for reciprocal childcare instead. She's having dc1 two days next week and says I won't owe her anything, so I'm getting her a voucher instead and will buy her chocolate on the day too! Yanbu but best to check in future to save any embarrassment

I don't really understand her saying "OK thanks hun" when you have said you'll happily return the favour - she surely doesn't mean that she would drop her DS over and pay you £10 an hour?

Maybe she is really skint atm and wouldn't normally ask, but feels like she has to this week

I am sorry though OP - amongst friends what you did wouldn't have been odd at all IME. I have often had "usefully timed" visits, and if the DC in question are well behaved (and luckily IME they are), it really is no problem. It is a shame and I hope the friendship can be salvaged.

It sounds to me like you think the friendship is close but she thinks the friendship is more drinking buddy/DS friends mum.

I also think she probably thinks you're taking the piss and is trying to prove a point.

Also she's not freeloading off you she was quite willing to pay professionals to take care of her DS at the holiday schemes.

You've already said it's not a favour because it makes your day easier if DD has a playmate .

Don't think you need to drop this friendship I think you've already been dropped/ you were never a great friends in the first place.

But all that said I still maintain that she should have her at a price before she provided the service .

^Ok thanks hun x
So she's not a mumsnetter then? No chance of her seeing this!
Has she never ever reciprocated play dates but has accepted them?
Your DD has only been there in tow with you? Are they as close as you imagine? Even if she does it for a living you would expect her to have had both kids at hers at some point in time, it's usually reciprocal/common courtesy or you don't accept the invite (I don't anyway ).
Ah well. Lesson learned the hard way.

The nicer we are to some people, the more they take advantage of us. I think this is a really hard lesson to learn and takes years to fully understand.

You've had him round for the odd play date and so it makes sense for her to have your kid round to return the favour. You haven't charged her and she shouldn't charge you. On the back of her £20 charge I wouldn't invite him round again. If she ever asks, make it clear that you don't mind having her DS as long she can return the favour next week (or when ever).

It must be annoying if other people are cheeky and try to get free childcare rather then doing play date swaps. However you weren't doing that!

I always sigh inwardly when I read these pithy "And my hourly charge is....." replies.
Because there are Laws in place regarding looking after children for pay.
Babysitting/Childcare by Registered CM/ Family/ the number of hours and where the care is provided.

Do people really reply to a cheeky request with "Yes I'll look after Johnny and I'll send you an itemised bill"

OP, you were asking a favour from a friend.
She was well out of order to try and chase a payment after. Your DD is 9yo not 9 months old so hardly the same level of looking after involved.

Ok thanks hun!
The woman is cheeky! Any one of my kids friends can come over if we are doing nothing, and they don't need to bring a packed lunch! It's nice for the kids. I also think most of the other mums I know are the same. I'd be raging if they asked me to pay if I'd previously helped them out.

Bet you can't wait till she asks for a play date

Yeah I agree.
I was a childminder for a number of years and I still had loads of kids to play for nothing. I even invited some of my child minded children for play dates and occasionally didn't charge if there had been some family drama eg illness of a grandparent etc I would offer to have them extra. It is what friends do to help each other out.