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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or did I actually ask her to babysit?

442 replies

Crisscrosscranky · 28/08/2016 18:17

This is possibly massively outing.

DH and I went to a well known swedish furniture store today to pick some bits up. Our DD (9) didn't really want to come and I was having a text conversation with a good friend whilst we were discussing it. Friend mentioned she was having a day at home and I cheekily I suppose asked if DD could come over and play with her DS (also 9) for a couple of hours. She said yes and I thought nothing of it. DD and her DS are good friends - he's often come here to play including full days in Xmas hols when I am not working and his mum is.

Dropped her off at 11 and picked her up at 2 so 3 hours in total - she did have a sandwich there but I'd also packed her off with some malteasers to share with DS's son. They spent the whole 3 hours playing Lego.

When I picked DD up my friend asked me if I could have the £20 for her tomorrow as she's a bit skint Confused. I asked "what for?" and she said "babysitting- it's normally £10 per hour on a Sunday but as she came here I'll do it for less". I said yes because I was a)embarrassed and b) shocked. I never would have asked anyone to actually babysit so we could go shopping - I thought she was doing me a favour Blush

She is a childminder for her FT job but she's not my DD's minder. DD goes to school with her DS and I see mum socially without the kids normally to get drunk. Thinking about it DD has never been there to play without me but like I say her DS has been to our.

AIBU to think I was asking for a playdate hate that termor did I actually ask her to babysit?!

OP posts:
GoldFishFingerz · 28/08/2016 20:48

The fact is, you looked after child and saved her cash. You did her a huge favour and also gave her son a lovely day. Even though it made your day nicer too, you still did her and her son a favour!

MakeMyWineADouble · 28/08/2016 20:49

I don't think the text you sent earlier was that clear from what you wrote here it read like you apologised, agreed to pay her and that you would return the favour if she needed it at least that's what I took from what you wrote and may explain the odd reply!! Or she may just be a cheeky cow either way I would only to play dates under the same arrangements she does from here on in

anotherdayanothersquabble · 28/08/2016 20:49

Perfectly normal to ask a friend to have your child over even if it is

MinonsMovie · 28/08/2016 20:52

Is a favour really a favour if it is not requested and/or you expect something in return?

www.quora.com/Human-Behavior-How-do-I-deal-with-people-who-do-one-favor-and-expect-more-in-return

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/08/2016 20:53

MakeMyWine. The way I read it was op agreed to pay and also offered to do a reciprocal play date to help this woman out. For which she obviously wouldn't be charged as op isn't a registered childminder.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 28/08/2016 20:53

oops
even if the Playdate is at your convenience!! Shame she doesn't see it the same way.

Slightly awkward though! I hope your DD and her DS find a way to drop hints and make her see sense.

Scarydinosaurs · 28/08/2016 20:55

I would do this for my friends, YANBU, she was to charge you after the event.

It's a shame your DD is friends with her DS, but I would say no more play dates.

MakeMyWineADouble · 28/08/2016 20:58

Mummyof. Yes that's what thought which would explain why the friend replied ok Hun, there was no confrontation or questioning she thinks op is OK with the situation. The bit about future play dates under her terms was all me I know it would work like you say but people who take the piss like that wind me up Blush

Sara107 · 28/08/2016 21:02

I think if there's a fee ( for any service) it is normàl that this would be raised before the service is provided. So very odd that this woman would not say yes, the charge for that is £20. I think she is skint and just saw an opportunity to tap the op for a bit of cash. If she didn't want her lazy day disrupted she could have said no.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 28/08/2016 21:03

I read the text as

'I'm going to pay you but I'll also have your kid over for a play date because you did me a favour working on a sat"

BeenThereDoneThatForgotten · 28/08/2016 21:04

I have , on the odd occasion asked if DD could come for a sleepover of her friends's parents. And I offer to reciprocate and take cake or some such. They have come in return, but now I wonder if they all secretly hate me Grin I also happily pay people to babysit.

Lindy2 · 28/08/2016 21:04

I'm a childminder and I think a lot of people would be surprised at how some people seem to think it's ok for their child to just be an extra one to look after for a few hours as a favour. I have had this issue before from some people and not always people I know particularly well either. It is like they think, well Lindy's already got 3 kids there today 1 more won't make a difference so I'll have my child care for free. Believe me, one more does mean extra work (particularly in my case where the children of the worst freebie parent were absolute nightmares behaviour wise!)
I think that there has simply been a mismatch of expectations here. I understand the OP asked if the childminder could have her child for a few hours. No mention of a playdate. The childminder assumed she was being asked to work. I may well have made the same assumption to be honest. She has charged less than normal though as a favour to her friend.
Generally, I work on the basis that if I do the inviting for a time of my choice then it's a play date and not work. If a parent asks me if I can look after their child at a time of their choice, then I'm working and charging.

Original poster
Crisscrosscranky · 28/08/2016 21:06

My text said: "hey, thanks for letting DD come over earlier. I'm sorry if I asked you to work on a Sunday- I didn't see it that way and thought it would be nice for DD and DS to play. DS is always welcome if you ever need me to return the favour or just some peace!". I think some PP were right- she doesn't see me in the same way I see her!

Btw, her son doesn't ever have play dates- she told me once she didn't like the socialising with other mums at the DC's school as they are a bit cliquey. We have been good friends for nearly 6 years- she came to my wedding, I've been there through dating/breakups and we share a mutual interest in Dan Osborne from TOWIE... Do these things count for nothing Shock

In all seriousness though, I won't lose a friend over it And I'm still happy for her DS to play here - I just won't ask her if DD can go and play anymore!

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 28/08/2016 21:09

I'll add though that I would make it clear at the beginning if it's a playdate or not to avoid this type of awkwardness.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2016 21:10

Oh come on, OP, you can't have her son around if she's charging you £10 an hour for your daughter to play lego with her son.

MinonsMovie · 28/08/2016 21:14

Op I think you are a good mum for not using your child's friendship as a weapon in this situation. That's a really admirable standpoint.

KMotion · 28/08/2016 21:14

I find these types of situations unbelievable. Why would the babysitter agree to looking after the OPs DD without mentioning money if that's what she wanted. That's really odd! ...and why, when the babysitter mentioned the money did the OP agree to pay it. That's really odd too.

The world of Mumsnet baffles me sometimes.

Sosidges · 28/08/2016 21:18

Sorry Op, but I am with the childminder on this. I don't think you should let it affect your friendship as it seems to me it was a communication breakdown.

Professional dressmakers, cake makers etc." I don't suppose you are able to hem this skirt, bake a cake for my party". It's a fine line between doing favours and been taken for granted. Maybe her antenna was a bit out of sinc on this occasion.

Lowerthanithought · 28/08/2016 21:20

OP, I think the 'ok hun' response is a bit of a 'fuck off'.
Just remember not to inconvenience yourself at all for this woman. If a play date is good for you - invite her DS over. If she needs it? 'Sorry hun'

GoldFishFingerz · 28/08/2016 21:30

You're friends and friends often have each others children.

She should have been upfront with charges.

However she has admitted she doesn't do play dates for her eldest child and I would take her at her word. Despite it being rather sad for her DS

cardibach · 28/08/2016 21:34

Minons it Normally works a bit like in the OP. They say their child is struggling with something and I offer to help. I don't ask for money upfront so I don't expect to be paid after the event.

amprev · 28/08/2016 21:45

I still think she's a dick, despite some of the CM comments on here. I think there are several scenarios here where it would have been fine for the friend to have charged the OP. For example, a full days childcare on a day when she was working. Or, if the OP's DP was a completely different age to the friends DS. Or, if the OP had never looked after the friends DS. I think raising the issue of payment at the outset would have been ok in these situations. However, in the situation that took place, I just think the friend has been grabby and has shown that she doesn't care how the OP views her. The fact that she openly says she doesn't have friendships with school mums and for this reason doesn't do playdates (puke over that phrase) further confirms to me she is not great friend material. Am I alone in enjoying my dd's having their friends over? If being a CM has resulted in her only having other children in the house if she is being paid, maybe she needs to not work with children? She might then end up having a better attitude towards her friends. OP - I agree that it wouldn't be fair to stop the DS coming over to play if both of the children enjoy it, but I would have him over to play to suit you and your dd and not to help out the friend. She sounds all take and no give to me.

MinonsMovie · 28/08/2016 21:45

But they don't ask you to tutor them. They might drop a hint, but they don't out right ask. But I absolutely agree, you can't charge for a service after it's been provided. You agree a price beforehand.

Also I think it's very nice that you do that, I imagine you as a very passionate teacher and your pupils are lucky to have someone like that.

PepsiPenguin · 28/08/2016 21:45

I think she was incredibly cheeky!

You have looked after her child during the holidays to save her money in childcare to help her out, then for the first time (from what I can see) you have asked her to look after you DD for a few hours and then she has charged you - This just isn't what friends do, if she ever asks you to look after her DS i would be looking for her to put her hand in her pocket.

I don't think it matters she is a childminder she is a long term friend who you help out, she could have said no she could have said her rate - she was pulling a fast one as money is a bit tight for her this month IMO (sure you said something about her mentioning this)

It would be like me or DP asking a friend, who looks after DC on occasion to pay us our going rate if they ask us to look at their computer (happens all the time!) you just help if your friend asks and it's not a big deal, swings and roundabouts and all that!

but I'd be moving away purely on the basis of her using the word "Hun" in a fuck you kinda way...

tofutti · 28/08/2016 22:01

Noooooooo, OP, please don't let her use you for childcare anymore.