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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or did I actually ask her to babysit?

442 replies

Crisscrosscranky · 28/08/2016 18:17

This is possibly massively outing.

DH and I went to a well known swedish furniture store today to pick some bits up. Our DD (9) didn't really want to come and I was having a text conversation with a good friend whilst we were discussing it. Friend mentioned she was having a day at home and I cheekily I suppose asked if DD could come over and play with her DS (also 9) for a couple of hours. She said yes and I thought nothing of it. DD and her DS are good friends - he's often come here to play including full days in Xmas hols when I am not working and his mum is.

Dropped her off at 11 and picked her up at 2 so 3 hours in total - she did have a sandwich there but I'd also packed her off with some malteasers to share with DS's son. They spent the whole 3 hours playing Lego.

When I picked DD up my friend asked me if I could have the £20 for her tomorrow as she's a bit skint Confused. I asked "what for?" and she said "babysitting- it's normally £10 per hour on a Sunday but as she came here I'll do it for less". I said yes because I was a)embarrassed and b) shocked. I never would have asked anyone to actually babysit so we could go shopping - I thought she was doing me a favour Blush

She is a childminder for her FT job but she's not my DD's minder. DD goes to school with her DS and I see mum socially without the kids normally to get drunk. Thinking about it DD has never been there to play without me but like I say her DS has been to our.

AIBU to think I was asking for a playdate hate that termor did I actually ask her to babysit?!

OP posts:
KimmySchmidtsSmile · 30/08/2016 11:04

^ Playing devil's advocate, I am guessing "cheeky" is because:
She invited herself, or rather her child, rather than waiting for an invite
She did the classic "What are you up to?" before imposing (does make it more difficult to say no when you've admitted you're not going out, note: more difficult but not impossible).
Can you have x for three hours? might have come across as work, but I personally would not have charged.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 11:06

I agree harverina, the fact that a few CM on here were surprised at friends unusual behaviour and would not do it themselves. Very strange behaviour from a supposed friend and not how we work either. I have a few good friends, we help each other out and do each other favours, if we cannot do it, we say so, we don't act like op's friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 11:08

If she has the confidence to do what she has done to the op, she should have the confidence to say, no I cannot, or I will and these are my charges if that is ok, allowing op to make the choice not to.

dustarr73 · 30/08/2016 11:19

Aeroflotgirl me and you have the same thoughts.The cm has a tongue in her head.The op wasnt cheeky she asked a simple request.She didnt just turn up and dump the child and merrily skip to Ikea.

harverina · 30/08/2016 11:23

On another thread I made the point that some people are just happy to take take take from others and give very little back in return. Sounds like your friend is like this OP. And I agree with what someone else said - she has shot herself in the foot because I'm guessing the op won't be in a hurry to help out in future!

JacquesHammer · 30/08/2016 11:49

I think the fact the OP offered to have the friend's DS is a red herring too.

Friend could have said "oh don't worry, its too much to ask for a full day - he'll love holiday club"

But she was happy to accept the offer to save her money. I just don't think you accept offers like that unless you intend to reciprocate

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 13:58

I agree, she is happy to take from op, and use her help, even if it is offered, she could decline, but when friends need anything, she charges. If it is not convenient or you don't want to, no sorry I can't, but don't then use others. Op said she offers to help out this woman as her ds is quite difficult, so that she can look after the younger ones, so for the friend to charge and to do it in such a dishonest way is awful and not what friends do. This woman is not op CM but her friend first and foremost, as op was asking a favour from a friend as you sometimes do. They were in the middle of chatting, and she asked.

MinonsMovie · 30/08/2016 15:16

They were in the middle of texting. Very differently chatting where you can use on verbal cues to judge the situation.

MinonsMovie · 30/08/2016 15:16

Non verbal

Kit30 · 30/08/2016 17:27

What Arf said but it'd be a shame if the DCs suffered in the fall out as they're mates.

Adnerb95 · 30/08/2016 19:18

I can see both sides. As an IFA, I regularly get asked for my opinion - which is my job - in casual, social situations because people are too mean to pay.
It may be that the cm finds that people often ask for favours in this way and she would feel differently about this situation if it wasn't her profession.

vladimpaler · 30/08/2016 21:46

It is her job - asking people to do you a favour that involves what they do for a living is in my view different from other situations.

To a mechanic...could you just take a look at my car on Sunday it is XXX....
To an IT tech....could you just take a look at my laptop whilst you are around in the evening for dinner, it is doing XXX....

As someone who gets asked to help with stuff I do for a living out of hours, it really is very tiresome; esp when some people take the piss quite amazingly. I'm sure the Op is not one of these, but for the same reason I point blank don't look at people's personal kit, ever; I am sure she has a blanket rule which is to always charge. Fair to all...how you would like it if she charged some friends but not others? How would she choose? She then either has to do babysitting for free to all comers, or charge all to avoid favouritism.

1Catherine1 · 30/08/2016 22:07

In answer to your question Mummyoflittledragon, yes - If my daughter wishes to play with her best friend (son of my CM), and I am not there too (usually the case as I don't want to be around lots of little children) then I would expect to pay. However, if I am there and my child is my responsibility, then I would not pay. Simply, they count towards her numbers regardless of why they are there.

It is unfortunate, but I think you have had a misunderstanding. There are different types of friends:

Real friends - ones you can ask anything from and nobody keeps score. You probably get 1 or 2 of these a lifetime.
Good friends - People you go out of your way to meet up with and socialise with. You can ask for favours within reason (I'm not sure this was anyway) and they will tell you straight if they think it isn't. Seems like this is what you thought you were, you were wrong, but that doesn't have to be the end of your friendship.
Friends of convenience - Those you socialise with, chat to, enjoy their company, but truth be told, if you moved 20 miles away you'd never see them again. This is what she is! These friends you don't ask favours from apart from "Mind asking x if she got my text regarding y?"
Mum friends - Like friends of convenience with the added benefit of favour swaps, just remember, they are keeping score!

Or perhaps I am just cynical...

Willow2016 · 30/08/2016 22:25

LIking it to a mechanic or I.T. tech isnt the same really. Nobody 'looks after' the mechanics car or the IT persons computer for them, as a regular favour, especially over Xmas period!

If it was some random mum who asked the cm, whom she didnt really know then yes charge them but TELL them first! Not after the fact.

The cm is quite happy for others to look after her child for FREE while she EARNS money but she wants to CHARGE them when she is asked to repay the favour! Its not what friends do, end of.

Mummyme1987 · 30/08/2016 22:36

Surely for her to charge she needs the paperwork in place first. Or the child wouldn't be insured? No medical info etc, no insurance.

Mummyme1987 · 30/08/2016 22:37

If there's no paperwork then it's shouldn't be chargeable.

mimishimmi · 31/08/2016 04:58

She should have just said from the outset that she wanted to charge you. I do think it's quite unfair that you asked her to do it on her day off because 'she's at home anyway'. If you've asked to have her son over in the past that's very different from her asking you to have him ... if it was the latter you'd be within rights to remind of times you've had her son over.

Real friends shouldn't charge but real friends shouldn't put friends on the spot with last minute assumptions about their availability either.

MinonsMovie · 31/08/2016 07:26

We don't even know if CM even saved money by DS going to OP for playdate(s?) at Christmas. These things are often booked and paid in advance. As OP hasn't contributed in quite a while I'll suggest an Xmas scenario.

Op: can DS come play with DD tomorrow?
CM: thanks but I've booked him into holiday club.
OP: I'm sure he'll have so much more fun with us. If anything you'll be doing me a favour - my day is so much easier when she has a friend over.
CM: Am, if you really want to, that's ok.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/08/2016 07:47

Oh no eye roll emotion. She is not op CM and is not employed by op in that Capacity, she is her Friend!!!! You do not treat a supposidly good friend like that, not even your client. 1catherine totally agree with this, obviously op was not a good friend to her. I have good friends, we do favours for each other, that is what good friends do, if we cannot or don't feel like it, we say no. Which is what the 'friend' as a grown adult should have done.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/08/2016 07:50

I don't see how this is so hard to understand. What op asked was not unreasonable, it could be a big cheeky, but friend shoukd have said no. I am sure that if the 'friend' wrote an aibu she would have been told that what she did was vvvu, that no is a complete sentence, that she shoukd tell (friend), op she woukd have to charge beforehand, not Spring it on op unwittingly.

MinonsMovie · 31/08/2016 08:01

Aero, think you're finding it hard to understand/accept that people have different opinions and that's why it's frustrating for you.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/08/2016 08:15

Not really, it's about treating each other with respect and op friend did not. Unfortunately she did not fall into the good friend category as op thought. The thing that's getting me, is that this woman is not op CM, she is not employed by op, she does not look after her child, so though her job is a CM, to op she is not, so don't keep referring her as that, because in this scenario she is not!

Aeroflotgirl · 31/08/2016 08:19

Op have you heard from your 'friend' lately?

MinonsMovie · 31/08/2016 08:31

"Not really, it's about treating each other with respect and op friend did not."

That is an opinion. And one that many, but not everyone agrees with. It is not a black and white situation. Life is not black and white and you will find if you let these things get to you too much you'd go mad.

It's a misunderstanding. It's not a nice situation. But there isn't one angel and one demon, so it will polarise opinion somewhat.

MinonsMovie · 31/08/2016 08:47

Hey guys, my husbands boss called him into work yesterday on his day off - load of stuff going on in the office. In fairness he did check if DH was doing anything first and DH had said he was just having a quiet day around the house.

We've just had a text from boss saying he's really surprised that my husband invoiced him for yesterday, as it was only a few hours and he wasn't doing anything anyway.

He also did mention the night he came out to the house and helped my husband with a project, but in fairness my husband had already hired an aide who was qualified in that area , which he had to then cancel - bit awkward really. Of course my husband accepted this help because, well they are friends too, and was helping his boss out because of give him some experience in that area too.

Such an awkward situation - was my dh being manipulative and backstabbing to invoice for work that he did!?