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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the label 'full time mummy'

389 replies

ilovenautical · 28/08/2016 08:42

Have 0 tolerance for mums that put down working mums & label themselves full time mummy's - seriously?! Does that mean working mums are part time? So when we drop child off to day care/family/CM we are no longer parents? We no longer think about DC and if they were unwell we would just wait till non working hours to see them? Grrrr infuriates me!! Angry am I the only one?

OP posts:
AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 28/08/2016 10:18

The exchange I gave was an example intended to show how horribly it comes across, and never intended to be a direct quotation.

I cannot compel you to believe that those sorts of exchanges really happen, nor that they are common enough to have an enduring impact on how the phrase is heard.

Munstermonchgirl · 28/08/2016 10:19

YANBU, we're all full time parents whether we combine it with paid work or not

klainton · 28/08/2016 10:22

I think stay at home mum sounds the correct term.
to say you are a full time mum implies working mums aren't full time mum's but we go out to work as well as being parents.
my partner and I don't use child care either, we work around each other so one of us Is at home with the children.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 28/08/2016 10:24

Whatever a woman does once she has children, she will be judged. Sadly the judgement often comes from other women who feel defensive of their own choices (often because of having been judged themselves).

If calling herself a hatstand makes a woman feel more comfortable about answering the (often very patronising) questions "So, what do you do?" then let her.

NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2016 10:26

I think stay at home mum sounds the correct term.

I once said that and my DH exploded with laughter on the grounds that I am very rarely at home.... Which is true! I'm not sure you can win with this sort of thing, to be honest....

EdmundCleverClogs · 28/08/2016 10:27

I consider myself an unemployed mother. I intend to go back to work in the future, and personally do not think being a mum is a 'job'. Hard work and stressful certainly but it's a lifestyle choice not a job. Some behave as if it's something to be embarrassed about, I really don't like the underlying tone that not having an actual job is something bad, that it needs to be dressed up in some way (with silly acronyms) to make someone feel 'better' about it. There's also an underlying sense of smugness about the phrase 'full time mummy', as if those who work are making a terrible mistake in doing so/only part time parents. Most families need that income, either because one isn't enough or because it's the only income coming in. It's not lazy to focus on raising your children either, it's not 'work shy', but it's not a job.

lotusbiscuit · 28/08/2016 10:27

If your child is in childcare then you are delegating some of the parenting to somebody else. You can't work full time and be a full time mother, it doesn't add up.
same applies to dad's.

MorrisZapp · 28/08/2016 10:27

I'm a full time researcher. I'm also a parent. Everybody knows what 'full time' means, it means you work roughly Monday to Friday in a job you are paid for.

This is an utterly silly complaint and it comes up endlessly on here. Boring.

NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2016 10:29

If anyone asks me what I do, I usually say that I drive small children around. This has the added bonus of being accurate, although one friend did look at me slightly quizzically as he thought I had decided to operate some sort of commercial taxi firm!

cherryplumbanana · 28/08/2016 10:29

I am always amazed by how many posters seem really on edge and uncomfortable with their own choices. Very sad.

Original poster
ilovenautical · 28/08/2016 10:38

Should probably explain more - have seen old friends and acquaintances on social media put "full time mummy - I couldn't just dump/Palm my kids off" - I find it really upsetting because that's not what I do. I have changed my job and shift pattern so that DC is in the absolute minimum amount of childcare (7 hours a week) meaning I'll work 37.5 hour at weekends and nights so that DC is mostly with me or DP.

Yes I feel a lot of guilt because when younger I imagined being a SAHP for longer but financially have not been able to do this. Several family & friends are SAHP - some through benefits and others because partner financially stable - all fine. I just don't agree with the label & majority of times I've seen it its been used in the context to demean working mums Sad

OP posts:
stopgap · 28/08/2016 10:38

There is a real disdain for SAHPs on MN that I have never encountered in real-life. In fact, I've experienced the reverse, in that many times I've been told I'm lucky to have the choice. Saying that, I am an ex-pat in America, so perhaps there's a cultural difference with regard to stay-at-home parenting.

Either way, I'm happy to say that I've never had a spat with any female friend or aquaintance about staying at home versus going out to work.

cestlavielife · 28/08/2016 10:39

If you have kids you are a parent. All the time. Your status does not change because your child is at school or with a childminder...
If a sahp parent sends their child to drama class for an hour are they no longer a "full time mummy" ? Does full time mummy include school or ballet class....are there a number of hours which you can include or exclude ? If you don't home school are you really a "full time mummy"?
By the logic applied even a sahp parent is somehow not parenting when child goes to school.... if parent picks up child at 3.15 are they more of a parent than the one who picks up child at 5.30 from football or after school club? It makes no sense.
If a parent sends their child to boarding school what are they called in term time ? What kind of parent are they ?

But some people want to define themselves....

Brokenbiscuit · 28/08/2016 10:39

If your child is in childcare then you are delegating some of the parenting to somebody else. You can't work full time and be a full time mother, it doesn't add up.

I don't delegate the parenting of my dd to anyone, but I do share it with DH.

Of course you can work full time and be a full time mother. I don't stop being a mother when I am in work.

Childcare is not the only component of parenting. Providing for your kids is also an essential parental responsibility.

And if the school phones up and asks me to come and collect my dd if she is ill, I can't turn around and say sorry, I'm not being her mum right now because I'm at work. Hmm

Munstermonchgirl · 28/08/2016 10:40

Lotus- no, WOHP don't delegate some of the parenting. They delegate- or outsource- some of the day to day tasks involved in caring for children; ie: changing their nappies, playing with them, taking them for a walk, cooking their lunch...

Actual parenting is far greater than the sum of those tasks.

Important to make that point

cestlavielife · 28/08/2016 10:42

Ilove. ..

So are none of those " friends" taking their dc to school or putting them in football club or ballet class ? Isn't that "dumping" their dc for an hour ? By their logic they should do it all themselves....

What do they call school ?

Just5minswithDacre · 28/08/2016 10:43

Didn't we do all this to death two years ago?

Boring and old OP., TBH

Just5minswithDacre · 28/08/2016 10:45

Yes I feel a lot of guilt because when younger I imagined being a SAHP for longer but financially have not been able to do this.

Right, so you're projecting your guilt onto someone else's slightly twee phrase and insisting it means something it doesn't?

Sort yourself out.

Let them sort their selves out.

FayaMAMA · 28/08/2016 10:48

The first thing I think when I see the term "full time mummy" is that almost every mother is a full time mummy, right? You don't just STOP because you go to work. Hmm drives me crazy. But my SIL is a SAHP and feels inadequate to me for working and studying while being a mum (I feel inadequate to her for being able to support and be there for her kids every second of the day). The judging that goes on between parents, mothers especially, makes me so sad. Where's the sisterhood? The support? I find it severely lacking IRL.

cestlavielife · 28/08/2016 10:48

Most sahp "delegate " as was said earlier education or other tasks which involve handing over dc. As do wohp.
All are still full time parents making decisions for their dc.

It s when you hand over decision making over what they eat wear education etc etc to someone else completely that you are handing over parenting. Letting school or childminder organize their day for few hours is not the same as handing over parenting decisions.

limon · 28/08/2016 10:49

When people use that term to mean "stay at home mum" I hate it

Brokenbiscuit · 28/08/2016 10:53

Actually, I don't find support lacking in RL at all - only on here.

I have friends who work full-time outside the home, who are looking after their kids full-time, who run businesses from home, have part-time employment - just about every possible combination. We each have our own challenges and we're all doing our best for our kids. There are no judgments and we all help each other out.

It's only on here that I see people looking down their noses at other people's choices, defending their corner to use terms that other people find offensive. I don't mind it - I guess I enjoy the debate. But yes, I'm glad that I don't know anyone like this in real life, where we're all just mums regardless of our employment status.

JemimaMuddledUp · 28/08/2016 11:03

Lotus so what are SAHP while their DC are at school? They are, by your definition, delegating the parenting to school. Are they no longer a parent?

Broken I'm going to try that line next time one of the DC's schools ring to say a child is ill or injured Grin

Letseatgrandma · 28/08/2016 11:05

Are you still a 'full time mummy' once all your children are in school?

cherryplumbanana · 28/08/2016 11:06

what are SAHP while their DC are at school?

well, they do all the chores and boring stuff so they have more time for the kids when they are at home, and don't have to do any housework or diy over the weekend. What's wrong with that? I wish I could have my weekends completely off. The bitterness of some people...