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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the label 'full time mummy'

389 replies

ilovenautical · 28/08/2016 08:42

Have 0 tolerance for mums that put down working mums & label themselves full time mummy's - seriously?! Does that mean working mums are part time? So when we drop child off to day care/family/CM we are no longer parents? We no longer think about DC and if they were unwell we would just wait till non working hours to see them? Grrrr infuriates me!! Angry am I the only one?

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 28/08/2016 09:02

Anyone who refers to themselves as mummy unless they are talking to a child under 5 gives me the rage

Grin

As part of my job (working with babies and infants) I am required to ask about employment and when it comes to the mother I say, "Do you work or do you stay at home with the children?" and I hope I don't cause any offence by asking it that way. I hate asking it though because most (not all) of the SAHM reply as though they think they would be negatively judged for it. It's just really uncomfortable and unnecessary.

"Full time mummy" is silly really as people who work "full time" are generally 37.5 hours a week and I can't imagine a SAHP only works those hours Monday to Friday and then clocks off at the weekend Grin

I work full time and the fact I'm in employment for 37.5 hours a week does mean that I'm any less of a parent seeing as those number of hours are only about 20% of the total volume of hours in a week.

Maybe I'm 20% worker and 80% mummy.... Grin

SaggyNaggy · 28/08/2016 09:03

It seems a hornets nest to me.

I'm not in paid employment.
I stay at home with DD

I could say I'm unemployed, but I do stuff from rise till sleep so I'm not "Un employed" I'm probably over employed.
I could say "Full time daddy" but I'd still be a "FTD" even if I worked 12 hours a day in some office somewhere.

Seems whatever people say, there'll be someone who takes offence. Something about tjhe modern era means everyone has to be aware when someone's offended, I find that offensive. Grin

tryhard · 28/08/2016 09:04

Off on a tangent here - but ElaineVintage what does it mean on Mumsnet when someone offers a biscuit?! I've seen it loads but don't get it!

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 28/08/2016 09:05

This is like me saying 'my hair looks great today' and someone taking offence because I'm implying their hair looks shit.

People can talk about themselves without it being an insult to someone in a different situation.

Advicepls7080 · 28/08/2016 09:05

The fact of the matter is you're a full time mum whether you work or not so when people say they're a full time mummy it's redundant just because you're in work doesn't mean you're not a mum for those hours.

SoupDragon · 28/08/2016 09:07

Bloody hell, Soup! I am unemployed! I do not get paid to do a job. My dp doesn't pay me to look after our children.

Say it costs £200 per week for childcare (random amount)
You are "earning" £200 per week by doing it yourself.

Unless every single childcare worker is "unemployed" SAHPs are not unemployed because they are effectively working in childcare.

Anyway, Im out because I am sick to death of this argument. It is pointless and SAHP always come out at the bottom of the heap with the WOHPs bleating about still being a parent full time whilst simultaneously demeaning and insulting SAHPs in the same way.

meditrina · 28/08/2016 09:08

I am a mother all the time.

Doesn't matter whether I'm actually with any of the DC at the time.

You don't stop being a mother when you go without them, or when they go out without you.

That's why the phrase grates so much. It implies you stop being a mother from time to time. Unless you are with your DC 24/7 and home school.

maddiemookins16mum · 28/08/2016 09:09

40 years ago we were housewifes. That is all.

Eolian · 28/08/2016 09:09

Of course if you are a mother then you are a mother all the time. Nobody surely actually thinks that the phrase full-time mum actually means that wohms aren't mothers while they are at work? It's just a way of saying that you are a stay-at-home parent. Everybody knows what it means and it isn't a dig unless you choose to take it that way.

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/08/2016 09:10

I really can't muster up a shit about this, and I work full time.

It's someone's description of themselves, not a slur on me.

Binkybix · 28/08/2016 09:11

I work and the phrase 'full time mum' doesn't bother me. It's just a description of what people spend their time doing rather than what relationship they have with their children.

I would not say that a SAHP is unemployed - that term has a specific meaning I think - out of work and no occupation.

In general I think people who get so ultra defensive are not 100% happy with their choices or the way they think other people perceive them.

PushingElephantsUpStairs · 28/08/2016 09:11

Writerwannabe** - why do you only ask that question to the mother? I know that it's still comparatively rare but there are a fair few dad's that are SAHPs. My DP being one of them.

I think that the more we reinforce the stereotype that only women can be SAHPs, the less likely men are to see this as a valid role for them.

origamiwarrior · 28/08/2016 09:11

Writerwannabe, rather than "Do you work or do you stay at home with the children?", I think your question could be more sensitively and accurately rephrased as " "Do you work outside of the home or are you full-time at home with the children?"

Comejointhemurder · 28/08/2016 09:12

Parents are being parents. They're not working in childcare.

jellycat1 · 28/08/2016 09:13

Wow soup you're not usually this firey! Im a wohp about to become a sahm for a while. Maybe permanently. Both have drawbacks imo. Just have to do what works for you at the time.

Zippidydoodah · 28/08/2016 09:13

Well I used to be offended by this argument, as I mentioned above. It was only when I was working, though! I've had many, MANY people say to me that they understand why I gave up my paid employment. I have three small children and its relentless.

Since becoming a sahp I have felt absolutely fine and happy with my choices, hence not offended in the slightest by the perception that sahp are bottom of the pile and are unworthy.

As they say at mnhq: "peace and love"! Grin

NataliaOsipova · 28/08/2016 09:14

I still say I'm a housewife if anyone asks....! I'm a bloody awful one too (as anyone who has been too my house can testify....)

I don't think it's meant as a goady term. Ultimately, though, small children need to be looked after 24/7. If you are in paid employment, then for those hours you are working you are not looking after your children and someone else is. This is a fact - but it does not belittle you or your status as a mother. Possibly "I look after my children full time" would be a neater way of expressing the SAHP role.

CantChoose · 28/08/2016 09:15

The definition of being unemployed includes that a person has to be available for / seeking paid work. So you're actually right soup and SHAM/full time mummies, whatever, aren't unemployed.
Though the logic you've used gave me a giggle - can I claim to be employed as a chef because I cook my own dinner and therefore 'earn' however much it would cost for someone to do that for me?

Wellywife · 28/08/2016 09:15

When I worked when DS was a baby I was a PART TIME mum. Somebody else persuaded him to eat solids, use a potty etc. That was their job, just as my job was as a Manager by day and mum by night. And no, when I was at work I wasnt thinking about my baby, I was fully immersed in my job. I wasn't in mummy mode at that time.

With DD I became a FULL TIME mum. I did the weaning and potty training myself this time. And I suppose I was paid as I got my own spends as well as full access to the joint account.

SoftSheen · 28/08/2016 09:15

I refer to myself as a 'full time parent'. This is because I am not currently in paid employment (by choice) and care for my children full time.

Someone who works full time is equally a parent but they will be caring for their children part time, and with others doing the bulk of the childcare.

SAHM and WOHM are equally valid options and children can thrive in a range of circumstances.

However, it does make me cross when WOHM imply that they are effectively doing two full-time jobs: no, really, you aren't.

cherryplumbanana · 28/08/2016 09:17

mums that put down working mums & label themselves full time mummy's

I am afraid that's just you, why do you think they are putting down anyone? A SAHP is doing full time childcare, a working parent is not. Why do you see any judgement in that?

What I hate is people trying to put down others who have made different choices. They sound bitter and jealous, but they are still nasty: you don't work, you are lazy. No, it's perfectly fine to want to spend a few years with your children, and be home until they start uni if you wish. It's fantastic for children to have someone at home when they need.
You are working, you are a bad parent. Of course not. You've worked damn hard to build a career you love and you don't have to give it up, your children are not suffering to have happy parents. You also have less free time because the house chores don't get done during the day.

Enough with the bitterness. If you regret your choices, too bad, other parents are doing just fine. Work on your own life instead of wasting time bitching about others.

SpringerS · 28/08/2016 09:17

Stay at home parent is far less accurate than full time parent, tbh. I'm a stay at home parent and I can count the days I have actually stayed home with my nearly 4 year old on my fingers. We never stay home unless one of us is too sick to go out. We are always out and about in the world.

Anbelmum · 28/08/2016 09:18

OP, if this angers you then you obviously have nothing more important to worry about so count yourself lucky and let other mums call themselves what they want.

zzzzz · 28/08/2016 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PushingElephantsUpStairs · 28/08/2016 09:18

I agree natalia 'I look after our children full time' is a better way of putting it. I work full time and my DP works part time on Saturday's we are both contributing to our income and looking after/bringing up our DD.