Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower - shit friend

246 replies

Captainkanga · 24/08/2016 18:03

My dislike of baby showers is well known amongst my friends. For multiple reasons that I don't want to get into I would rather wait until the baby has arrived and then take gifts and celebrate the new arrival. On all occasions I've been invited to them I politely decline and send my well wishes - they're not my cup of tea but I hope the mother to be has a wonderful afternoon etc. Never an issue.

Today a close friend has emailed me with a list of dates to decide which one would be most suitable to hold our mutual friends baby shower on, so i replied stating that you're aware they're not my thing, but it's lovely of you to arrange one for her and that she's sure to have a great time.

She's emailed back the following;

"Captainkanga are you actually serious? Fair enough that you don't want a baby shower but I can't believe you're not even going to contribute or show your face at this one!! We would have arranged one for you so why can't you do the same for friend?! You're going to make it so awkward for the rest of us and it looks like you're attention seeking by making a point of not coming. I can't believe you're being this selfish!"

I'm so annoyed! I wouldn't expect a friend to do something they're uncomfortable with/ didn't believe in for me, so why on earth should I be guilted into contributing and attending this bloody baby shower?!

I've replied "as you know they're not something I agree with, but I hope you have a great time and friend will be so pleased you've held one for her" but the urge to type " JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU GRABBY COW" Was a strong one.

I'm going to silently seethe and ignore any argumentative replies she sends me, but surely I can't be the only one who feels like this? I really don't give a shit if this outs me, I'm so annoyed right now!

OP posts:
waitingforsomething · 25/08/2016 02:39

Sorry but I think YABU. I don't like baby showers much, they're not my thing but I would still attend one for a good friend. They are usually just a few cakes and presents and a bit of chitter chatter, can't see the big drama myself. In your position I wouldn't be causing a big scene over such a small event.

waitingforsomething · 25/08/2016 02:43

Oh and I do first hand understand the fertility and miscarriage problems (sorry for yours op, hope you're feeling well at this stage of pregnancy). But I would still go even if I just showed my face for half an hour, because my fertility issues are not for anyone else to feel guilty about and not enjoy a baby shower if that's what pleases them.

Italiangreyhound · 25/08/2016 02:47

waitingforsomething why would anyone else need to feel guilty about anyone's fertility issues?

To attend or not is a person's choice. How would the OP not attending mean others could not enjoy it?

But again, the OP is not being asked to attend she is pregnant and she is being asked to organise it!

VioletBam · 25/08/2016 02:56

I don't really like them either OP but like many cultural "things" this has become part of the UK's culture....and so, I move with the times and attend.

It does rather make it "all about you" if you refuse to attend on some moral high ground idea.

The thought of going to visit once the baby has arrived is very nice but in reality not all new Mothers WANT visitors after the birth.

user1466690252 · 25/08/2016 03:02

No i dont get it im afraid. I attended weddings when I was going through a divorce and christenings and baby showers when I was struggling to get pg as its not always about me.
If op doesnt feel up to organizing, fair enough, but she could go and show her face for someone elses joy.

user1466690252 · 25/08/2016 03:04

Oh and yes to pp who said not all mothers want visitors after the birth. I have 2 week old ds and want everyone to leave me alone as the stream of visitors is constant.

IceRoadDucker · 25/08/2016 08:44

Some people on this thread are amazingly thick and/or have extremely skewed priorities.

The OP should "get over herself" or "put her feelings aside" in order to go to a party? Fuck. Off.

hollyisalovelyname · 25/08/2016 08:48

User146...
Did your friend give a reason for not going to your baby shower?

honkinghaddock · 25/08/2016 09:16

I don't like them although I have been to a few and took small non baby specific gifts. We had fertility difficulties ( need ivf) and had a late loss prior to our son's birth. I don't think I would have coped well with being involved in organising one during his pregnancy but I would have attended one for a short time. Is that a possibility?

Original poster
Captainkanga · 25/08/2016 09:29

Why does me not attending a party automatically mean I'm not happy for my friend? Hmm I'm over the moon for her and we are both looking forward to watching our little ones grow up, and will be celebrating and visiting after their safe arrivals.

My post wasn't about the friend who's pregnant, it was about the arsey email from a friend after I politely declined my involvement. Even if my reason was "I'd rather stare at a blank wall for four hours" that's my prerogative and not deserving of getting ripped apart under the guise of "selfishness" by a mutual friend - not even the mother to be.

My friend is a lovely person and there will be many other people there to spend the day with her, I really won't be missed (by a room full of people who know me and understand). Likewise, there will be many people who wont attend based purely on the fact they don't like the idea of them.

Personally I don't think anyone is in the wrong for wanting to attend or not attend baby showers, apart from the friend who sent the arsey emails, which was the whole point of my original post.

Thank you all though, will Definately do flowers.

OP posts:
Dandelion6565 · 25/08/2016 09:45

They are not really my thing. If someone said lets all go for lunch before the baby arrives and catch up. I'd say yes.

However it the making too big a deal of it that I have issue with. I just feel lots of nice life events have become too big a deal.
Too much money and stress and demands of people. Weddings are a nightmare and stag hen dos have got very draining financially. when couples get married there are stag /hen parties, hotels, gifts...it all starts to cost £000s of pounds.
Baby showers are similar, op hasn't just been invited she is expected to organise/pay.....

It's too much.

Dandelion6565 · 25/08/2016 09:50

And your friend is an idiot.
I'd just respond with ". I'm sorry that you are upset with me, sorry to let your down but I'm not coming"

So fuck off😄 ( in my head)

MalcolmTuckersEyebrows · 25/08/2016 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplevase4 · 25/08/2016 11:23

YANBU and I would not go.

Things can go wrong. Sorry but they do and it is not offensive to suggest it. It's tempting fate to celebrate beforehand. The presents can come when baby has safely arrived.

Have a diplomatic headache or similar on the day. You don't have to go to an event if you don't want to.

I'm probably just mean-spirited because nobody organised one for me!

gotthemoononastick · 25/08/2016 11:58

De-lurking from the cave of the Ancients here.
OP absolutely do not go ...you do not have to explain yourself.Silly organizer has been caught up in the excitement and is very thoughtless.

'Stork teas' are in the colonial African D+ A as well. Cakes,tarts,sausage rolls,madeleines and tea with old wives and friends and little girls all bringing good wishes and very small homemade gifts,a card of safety pins or a dummy and gripewater!

Unfortunately commercialism and 'bigger and better' has infiltrated here as well now and the original spirit and ethos of the thing has been lost and is very like the UK showers now..

'Bad luck' was a concept considered by some of mainly French extract who held no truck with the idea.

PepsiPenguin · 25/08/2016 12:18

I think you were very polite actually, and YANBU. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

To all the people basically saying "suck it up" I'm guessing some people can, I couldn't.

I currently can't walk past a pregnant woman without breaking down into tears, after multiple miscarriages at various stages and fertility issues. I've had 7 over the past 18mts, I have had friends get pregnant and have babies during this time none of those people are aware of my issues as I couldn't talk about it with them, in fact infertility and miscarriages is one of the loneliest things to go through because people don't discuss it.

This wouldn't make me a bad friend, this wouldn't mean I wouldn't be happy for them but could I sit there and smile throughout a shower - not in a million years, wouldn't be fair on the pregnant friend wouldn't be fair on me.

I just wish people could learn to be a bit kinder to others and understand that not everyone just gets pregnant and finds a baby arrives 9 months later, if someone doesn't go to one of these things it's highly likely they have their own very personal reasons.

TheLegendOfBeans · 25/08/2016 12:22

Actual applause for Pepsi. You've put it better that I did. Sorry to hear about your upsets x

Jackie0 · 25/08/2016 12:30

Years of failed ivf and a dislike of American imports generally mean I'll never attend one either.
My friends are fully aware of everything my dh and I have been through and would never dream of sending an email like this .
Your ' friend ' is being a cow.

Helmetbymidnight · 25/08/2016 12:40

I'm glad my friends always let me do what I like and vice versa.

I wouldn't go, op.

KingofnightvisionKingofinsight · 25/08/2016 12:41

I would never have a baby shower because I am Jewish, and there is of a cultural superstition about tempting fate, etc. So I guess you could say I "don't believe in" baby showers. Certainly my mum doesn't -- she finds the whole thing very strange. Still, both she and I would graciously attend or contribute to a shower if a pregnant friend wanted one, because it's not about us or our our beliefs. Your friend was very rude in how she said what she said, OP, but I agree with the essential sentiment.

Drbint · 25/08/2016 12:50

It doesn't matter whether it's a baby shower or not really.

She wants you to help organise something. You don't like those events and don't want to do it.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. It doesn't become obligatory to attend or manage an event just because it's a certain kind.

RhiWrites · 25/08/2016 12:59

I didn't need your update to guess you were sensitive about celebrating a pregnancy for very good reasons.

A good friend would understand.

DeadGood · 25/08/2016 13:08

OP, I'm caught on this one. Everything you are saying makes me think you are right. But I know that, not having read your side on here, I would be reacting the same way as your friend is (at least thinking it if not saying it).

That makes me an idiot, I know. It's difficult admitting you are wrong. But I'm trying!

Lottapianos · 25/08/2016 13:23

I'm totally with you OP. I have a no baby shower and hen night policy too. As another poster said, people's reasons for not attending events like this can be intensely painful and personal. Or you might just find them tacky as hell and have better things to do with your free time!

There is such pressure on women to get the pom poms out and make a huge show of 'supporting' their female friends, especially around marriage and babies. As mentioned upthread, there's a three line whip to all join in with a particular type of celebration that not everyone feels they can be a part of. I'm sure you support your friend just fine OP - I'm sure you are hoping that all will go smoothly for her and I'm sure she knows that. Just because you don't want to join in with the fuss doesn't mean you don't care. Send some flowers if you would like to. Ignore your other rude friend, she's being ridiculous

Doobigetta · 25/08/2016 13:45

Totally reasonable to hate baby showers for any reason whatsoever. I think they're grabby, tacky and tedious. I wouldn't say so about one actually being planned, though- I'd just have an unfortunate conflict with something I'd already promised to do. I find visiting my mum usually works.